These Butterflies

The whole family is downstairs. They've been discussing for hours what they should do next for Milan. She's been all anyone talks about for weeks now, with the strange way she's been acting and all. Alex seems the most concerned.

"She hates me," he says for probably the billionth time.

"No she doesn't. Your her best friend," I remind him.

His head has been buried in his hands for about fifteen minutes now. He's been sitting at the corner of his bed ever since Milan went to sleep. "You don't get it though. You saw the way she refused to talk to me." He sighs before mumbling, "She's never talking to me again." He finally looks up but not at me, at the door leading to the bathroom that connects their bedrooms like he wants to go in there and talk to her about... Well, I don't know what he wants to talk about with her because he never tells me what goes on between them.This is why I have no idea why she's so upset with Alex. He does everything for her. She's sweet but she can be so spoiled sometimes when she doesn't get what she wants. She already has everything. Her parents adore her since she's the only girl and her older brothers were basically trained like dogs to protect her from harm's way. It's like she just says what she wants and her family gets it for her. I know that's why Alex broke up with me, because she doesn't like me and she doesn't want me around her brother. Whatever Milan wants Milan gets.

I sit down next to him on the edge of the bed. "Is there anything I can do for you?" I put my hand on his thigh. He gets up quickly at my touch. I frown.

"Thanks Melissa, but you've already done so much. Thank you for helping my family today but I should really get you home. It's getting late."

"Sure," I say unenthusiastically. We go downstairs to say goodbye to his family and then we get into his car. He's quiet the whole time.

We get to my house in about fifteen minutes. "Do you want to come inside?" I ask as the car comes to a complete stop.

"I really shouldn't," he says.

"Please," I beg. "I think I deserve more of an explanation about what happened last night."

He sighs. He knows I'm talking about when he broke up with me. "You do, but I just can't right now. I'm sorry. Maybe another time."

He looks so exhausted and distracted and lost in his many intense emotions, but I just can't seem to let him go. Everything was finally perfect in my life and it's not fair that it was just taken away. "Please."

He sighs again, and removes his keys. I try not to seem too delighted by his submission.

The house is quiet. My parents are upstairs and sleeping. I turn on the lights of the living room as Alex sits down on the couch. "Do you want anything to drink?" I ask.

"No thanks. I'm fine..." He trails off and rubs his temple. "Can we just... What do you want to know?"

I think back to everything that's happened and it makes my heart ache. "Did our relationship really mean so little to you that you could just break up with me like it was nothing... on my own birthday?"

"It wasn't like nothing, Melissa. It was so hard." He looks up at me and I could see the pain in his eyes. I can't help but believe him.

"Then why? Was I not enough?" My vision starts to get blurry but I don't want him to see me cry, not again.

"It's not that..."

"Then what is it?" I insist. "This can't just be because of your sister. I know you loved me."

"I did, Melissa. I loved you so much, you don't even understand but-"

"Then let's try again," I beg. "It could be so much better this time." I move in closer to him.

"We can't," he says sadly. He looks down and shakes his head.

I bend down in front of him and grab his face. I kiss him softly. "Yes we can."

He gasps quietly in shock. "Melissa, no..."

"Oh, come on. Just a little bit." He looks at me hesitantly and I kiss him again. He puts his hands around my wrists like he wants to push me away but he doesn't. He doesn't kiss me either, but he closes his eyes as my lips continue to touch his. I move my mouth down to his neck and give a few gentle pecks. I feel him move his face towards me. I look up at him, ready to be rejected by him... but then he kisses me.

The boy who could have any other girl in the world kisses me. My heart jumps up in delight.

You could love anything about him: his smile, his charm, his heart. But I only have one reason and it's not any of that. My reason for wanting him was a secret that he'd never guess. All the "I love you"s, and love-making and whispered promises and all the laughs and late-night conversations and adventures, they're not the same to him as they are to me. For years, I felt alone and fat and ugly and unworthy so of course when Alex Gaskarth suddenly showed interest in me, I was surprised to say the least. All the girls at school drool over him but out of all of them, he saw me, the most invisible one of them all. At first I was so skeptical but he eventually convinced me to trust him. He reminded me so often that he loved me, that he started to convince me that I was worth something. When we started dating, everyone looked at me differently. All of the popular girls talked to me more, all of the boys looked at me more. The fact that Alex Gaskarth wanted me suddenly made me more desirable to the rest of the world, and I liked how it felt. Of course I still hated myself; Alex couldn't save me from that. And my bulimia got worse because now I was dating the most wanted boy at school and I felt pressured to be perfect like him. He was so upset when he found out. But then he started telling me even more how much he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was and you'd think it would actually mean something because it was coming from the boy who could have any other girl in the world and out of all the girls in the world, he picked me but it didn't really. It wasn't his love that I wanted, only the perks that came with being Alex Gaskarth's girlfriend. Everything he did and said was comforting and everything about me he found fascinating even when I wasn't trying. We both fell in love, only he fell in love with me, and I fell in love with the comfort.

I push him against the couch as I stradle him and start kissing him harder and harder. He follows my lead. I start to kiss his neck again and I slide my hands under his shirt. He slides his hands down the back of my body until they get to my thighs. He stands up with his hands still under my thighs as he carries me to my bedroom, the only bedroom on the first floor. He kisses me almost the whole way there. He pushes me against the door to close it before laying me on my bed gently and carefully positioning himself on top of me. He starts kissing me everywhere else except my lips.

As he lifts my blouse over my head, he asks "Are you still taking the pill?" I nod and we continue to kiss each other. We end up having sex.

*

When we're done, I roll onto my side and lay my head on his chest. He usually kisses the top of my head and says sweet things to me while carressing my arm, but not this time. It's only a few minutes before he starts to get up. "I really should get home before my family starts getting concerned."

I pout. "Please just stay a while."

"I can't." He doesn't even look at me. He just hurriedly changes back into his clothes. "Goodnight." He leans in to hug me. I try to kiss him but he pulls away too quickly.

"Goodnight," I say. He smiles half-heartedly.

He walks out of my room and closes the door behind him, just leaving me here. Alone again.