These Butterflies

I don't want Alex to drive me to school the next day like he does everyday. Before I fell asleep, I briefly considered asking anyone else to take me but then felt like that'd mean I owe them an explanation and how could I talk about this to anyone? After the way Matt reacted to us, I was horrified to speak of it. That night I sleep so deeply that I don't dream. Normally when I'm unhapy I could go hours and hours of restless, miserable slumber but after exhausting myself emotionally in my privacy, I wake up wide-eyed and extra early the next morning, relieved to have a new start and a new day. Ten percent of me wants to avoid Alex but really the other ninety just wants to take a walk so I tape a note to my bedroom door.

Good morning.
Walking to school.
I'm fine.

I stare at the note. I feel like the last line is somehow more necessary than the rest like everyone thinks I'm an emotional, unstable mess and I need to clarify that I'm not even though they're probably right. Right now I am fine though... I think. Anyways, that's all that counts.

I pull on a reasonable outfit and tip-toe down the stairs. Classes don't begin for another hour and a half but I couldn't fall asleep again and I just wanted to get out of the house. The sun hasn't even come out yet when I step outside on the last Monday of school this year. It's colder than it has been in the previous weeks. About halfway there, I start to regret even wanting to come on this stupid walk but it's so cold and I might as well just get to school or it would be pointless. I continue to walk idly and watch my frosty breath come and go from my view. The sun begins to peek over the horizon and ten minutes later, I'm entering the student parking lot from the far side. I hear soft murmuring and low music playing.

And if I may just take your breath away,
I don't mind if there's not much to say...

I turn my head towards the direction of the noise. I see four people hanging around an open convertible. As I get closer, I realize I recognize them. They're Connor's friends.

I see Anthony Fisher. He's a junior, like Connor and me. He's extremely tall and thin and really nice. He's not really involved in anthing at school but everybody still seems to know him and like him. Like always, his light brown hair is sort of in a messy bed-head kind of style but it looks really good on him. I've talked to him on occassion because he's in my first period and he's good friends with my friend Nick. He's sitting on the trunk of the car, sipping on a paper cup. I assume it's hot tea since he always walks into class with it still unfinished.

Then I notice Michael Reynal. He's Anthony's cousin. He's leaning against the side of the car. He's tall but not as tall as Anthony, but nobody really is. However, he's noticably more muscular than him, but it makes sense since he's on the football team with Alex and Connor. He has dark blonde hair that's combed to the side very neatly. He's not necessarily mean but he does think he's better than most people just because he's attractive and made the varsity football team as a sophomore. I don't know him very well but I remember him as being one of the three guys that was throwing the football in the park with Connor.

The two other boys that were with Connor in the park are also there, but I don't know their names. I do know that they're on the football team with him. One of them is very tall, dark, and handsome. He's standing across from Anthony, using his hands very animatedly as he tells a story that seems to be very funny since Anthony is chuckling. It sort of makes me wish I could hear it too. The other boy is about my height, has very fair skin, and dark hair. I'm pretty sure he's a senior like Alex because I remember seeing him on the team with Alex his freshman year when I came to watch my brother play. He's leaning against the car next to Michael and he takes out his phone. They both examine something on the screen.

I notice someone was in the car and I don't see her until now. She appears from the passenger's side where she seems to have retrieved something from the glove compartment.

Sometimes the silence guides your mind,
So move to a place so far away...

It's Catherine, but people call her Cat. She's Michael's older sister and one of Connor's closest friends. She saunters over to Michael and the other boy. Then I see what she has in her hand, a lighter. The boy whose name I don't know pulls out two cigarettes. He puts one in his mouth and let's Cat light it. I don't understand how he's okay with this since he's an athlete. I wonder whether he's just doing it because it's really cold outside. I see Michael reach for one but Cat slaps his hand away from the pack. The other boy laughs and puts it away.

Cat lights the other cigarette for herself. She's about my size and build but she looks nothing like me. She has an almost snow-white complexion with really light blonde hair. She always wears bright red lipstick and dark eye-liner around her caramel eyes. She's a phenominal singer and painter. Her artwork is displayed in many places downtown and she's the best on our school's choir. However, she not very talented academic-wise. She goes to the same after-school tutoring sessions as me and she's one year behind in all of her classes except English. I know this because when I was a freshman, she had all the same classes as me when she should have been taking sophomore classes. Despite this, we've never really talked. Sometimes I'm afraid to even look at her because there's this hostility in her eyes and maybe it's the way she can still look beautiful even when she never smiles that makes her so intimidating.

I'm a little bit surprised that Connor isn't there with his friends. These are the people he's always hanging around with. I scan the group again to see if I missed Connor and I'm slightly disappointed to realize he's really not there. Obviously there are times that I can't stand him but then there are times when I catch pleasant glimpses of him. He's always promising there's more to him than I know and sometimes I think I believe him. That's the thing with Connor. I don't get him and in a weird, twisted way, I find him kind of interesting. I like how he's always up to something and how he makes the same conversations sound new again. I know he's only trying to sleep with me but as much as he's seen me at my worst, he still hasn't lost interest. Of course it's just Connor, but how can a girl not be flattered? I suddenly feel really stupid for feeling flattered. I shake the thoughts from my head then stare straight ahead and walk onto campus.

I go to the cafeteria to get some breakfast. My mind dazes of and I don't realize how long it's been when I see them through the glass. Alex and Melissa are only inches from each other. I don't like how close they are to each other. I keep half-expecting them to kiss even though it's ridiculous because they broke up. He broke up with her for me.

She puts her arms around his neck and I tense up with jealousy. She keeps talking and talking and talking but I don't know what she's saying. I'm kind of annoyed that Alex doesn't pull away. I feel relieved that the bell rings right then but she kisses him on the cheek and again he doesn't pull away. He starts to hug her and I'm so infuriated that he's still standing there with her when they should be broken up that I just get up and leave.

I try to forget but it bothers me all day that Alex is still talking to Melissa. The day kind of goes by in a haze.

I'm on my way to fifth period. Connor is leaning against a door, which I assume is his next class. His eyes light up when he sees me. He starts waving. I stop suddenly in my tracks. I try not to seem delighted but he does look extra handsome today and I'm glad he noticed me. I like how he never ignores me when he sees me even though I give him a hard time. He's always there when something is really wrong and I can count on him to make my day a little more interesting and a little less about Alex. After this dreadful day, I felt like I needed to see him so he could help me feel better about myself. I feel stupid again for feeling this way so I just force a smile. I still feel a bit guilty for leading him on the other night by kissing him. He starts walking towards me.

"Hey." He grins.

"Hi Connor."

He hugs me and as he pulls away he says, "So, I don't know if you remember my offer but it's still on the table..." I furrow my eyebrows and he continues. "When I asked you out... It's this Friday. I mean, the semester ends Wednesday and my friend Riley is throwing this huge end-of-the-year bash or whatever." I don't really know much about Riley. I know she's a senior and even though she's sisters with my friend Becca, she belongs more to Connor's crowd. She's Anthony Fisher's girlfriend and best friends with Cat, whom I really don't think likes me very much. "Anyways, it would be really cool if you came and we could hang out..."

Nothing about this idea sounds good so I contemplate a million different ways to decline. But then I remember seeing Alex and Melissa talking this morning. I need to move on, and Connor's always wreaking some kind of havoc so he is the perfect candidate to get my mind of off things. It doesn't have to be serious. He can be my escape.