These Butterflies

It's finally Wednesday. I couldn't get my mind to focus on any of my final exams for this semester so I'm thankful that it's just finally time for Winter Break.

The last bell of the day rings. Lani has math this period and with how much she's been struggling in that class lately, I really hope she did well on her test. I pick up my things, sling my backpack over my shoulder, and start heading towards the parking lot. I wait for Lani in the front of the school. Within a few minutes I spot her in the crowd. The weather has her nose is pink and she has her arms wrapped around herself. She wore one of my jackets today because she was so cold this morning and she said none of her sweaters were warm enough. It looks so big on her but she looks so cute. I walk her to my car.

"How was your day?" I ask as I start the car.

"It was okay."

"How do you think you did on your test?"

She shrugs. "I think there is still hope."

I chuckle. "Well, I believe in you."

"Thanks."

I look over at her but she doesn't look back. Our conversation is over. She's been unresponsive like this ever since she came back home from running away. I can't really blame her. I know I really hurt her, and then I had to be an idiot and go sleep with Melissa. It was awful. It was nothing like my night with Lani. I was so frustrated and exhausted and conflicted when I drove Melissa home. I didn't plan on sleeping with her but when she started kissing me, I couldn't just push her away. It's not fair to her. I should have just said no but I thought it would help me feel better. I thought I would like it and maybe I could continue my relationship with Melissa and make Matt happy and convince Lani that she could be happy with someone else, just like me. But having sex with Melissa just made me realize how much more I wanted to be with Lani. We didn't have the same connection. We didn't have the same passion. It was such a mistake and I can't afford to mess up anymore, otherwise I'll be so far gone into my mistakes that I'll never be able to fix my relationship with Lani. I can't let that happen. I love her more than anything.

When we get home, our older brothers are already packing their things. I'm so relieved they're leaving today, especially Matt. I really, truly cannot stand him anymore. Just looking at his face makes me grit my teeth. At first I felt dirty and unworthy and I hated myself for disappointing my brother but after he made me tell Lani I can't be with her, I'm angry and everyday he makes me want to punch him in the face. Who is he to tell me that I can't treat Lani the way she deserves? I know no one loves her as much as I do. No one will ever tend to her the way I do. No one can make her as happy as I can. No one knows her like I do.

We have lunch together with the whole family one more time before my brothers leave. Dad isn't here though; he left this morning on another business trip. Our meal at the table is very quiet and awkward. Mostly we just listen to each other's forks scratch against our plates. This family is falling apart and becoming more dysfunctional every minute. Thank God the time finally comes for my brothers to leave. Before driving himself home, Chris has to leave Matt at the airport in an hour and we really don't have any more time to waste and pretend like everything is perfect. I help Lani put the dishes away.

"Alex, can you help me with my things?" Matt asks suddenly.

I hesitate. "Yeah... sure."

He leads me upstairs to his old bedroom, right next to Lani's room. I go to his two biggest luggage cases and he carries everything else. When I turn around to take his things downstairs, he closes the door.

"Oh great," I mumble to myself. I should have known he was going to lecture me again. Matt has been pressuring me all week to get back with Melissa. It's annoying. I haven't even told him about Sunday night when I slept with her because knowing him, he would go straight to Lani and tell her.

"Have you talked to Melissa lately?"

"Not really," I lie. Well, it's sort of a lie. Melissa keeps trying to convince me to get back with her but I just wouldn't be happy with her.

He scolds me. "Why not?"

"I just don't want to be with her anymore, alright?"

He walks closer to me and speaks in a quieter tone. "Just because I'm leaving does not mean you are free to have sex with Milan as you please. She's too damn young to be having sex."

"You're not being fair," I say. "I don't get why you and Chris treat Lani and me like we're still babies. You two were already having sex our age." I turn the tables on him. "Matt, you lost your virginity in eighth grade with your thirteen year old girlfriend. Lani and I are older. We know what we're doing."

He stares at me for a few moments and I can see the anger in his eyes but I don't look away. I'm tired of trying to please him. "It's different because she's my little sister and what you're doing is wrong. You sharing your bodies that way... Alex, it's a sin. The bible clearly states 'You shall not have intercourse with or uncover the nakedness of your sister.'" I cringe as he quotes the bible. "And I know we're all guilty of premarital sex but we can still be forgiven," he continues. "Do not lead my little sister down the wrong path. Do not taint her innocence any more than you already have. Get back with Melissa and you have a real chance at being happy and you can have a better relationship with God."

"It's not that easy."

"I don't care. You have to do what's right. I am trusting you to fix all of this when I'm gone... and I swear to God if you touch her again, I will kick your ass so bad that Chris will have to pull me off of you."

I don't say anything as he opens the door and starts carrying his things dowstairs. I just follow him. My brothers put the last of their things in the trunk of Chris' car and start giving us goodbye hugs.

When Chris comes to embrace me, he says, "Hey, I really hope you and Melissa work things out okay? You had a really good thing going there. Don't let it go."

Lani looks down at the ground when she hears him. Matt stares at me hard like this is another sign telling me to get back with Melissa. I sigh. "Yeah I don't know. We'll see."

They say goodbye to our mother one last time before finally getting into their car. We watch as they drive away. Mom and Lani go back inside without saying anything. I stay there on the driveway with my hands in my pockets. My head begins to hurt when I think about what to do from here. Melissa is desperate to get back with me and my brothers keep trying to convince me to go back to her.

On one hand, it could make things less complicated. I could clear up all the blurred lines. Melissa will be my girlfriend and Lani will be my sister. That's it. We are siblings and these feelings we have for each other are wrong and we shouldn't act upon them. I can learn to ignore these confusing and forbidden desires. Everything might finally go back to normal.

On the other hand, I stay broken up with Melissa and I'm free to be with Lani in any way that I want. Lani won't have to feel any competition and she won't have to worry about Melissa. I can learn to kiss Lani and not feel guilty for liking it so much. I just don't know if I have the courage to stand up to Matt, let alone the rest of our family if they were to find out. I don't know if I'll be able to look at them in the eyes if they ever find out that I lust after her the way the boys at school do. Obviously there's more to what I want with her. Obviously I love her very passionately and sincerely. I'm also afraid that she'll feel like she needs to be physical with me for our love to be real, but maybe we can learn to be in love with each other without crossing those boundaries... but I really do want to be physical with her. I want to kiss her. I want to touch her. I want her to touch me. I want her to be completely mine: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I know what I've done and I've accepted it. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I know it's best for Lani if I just let her go, but I don't know if I can do that.