These Butterflies

I'm still half asleep when John bursts through my bedroom door in the morning.

"Wooooo!" He howls as he jumps onto my bed. "First Friday of Winter break! What should we do?" He's shouting as he bounces up and down on my mattress. "I... am... so... excited!!!"

"That's great, John," I mumble as I cover my head with my comforter, trying to block out all the noise and movement. I still feel really drowsy and he's making me feel dizzy.

I hear Stephen laugh. "Okay John, that's enough. Go annoy Alex next."

The movement of my bed immediately stops and before I peek over my blanket, John is already in the next room. Stephen was leaning on my doorway but now he's walking towards my bed. I sit up and he sits on the edge closest to me.

"Good morning, you lazy bum," he jokes. I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs. "Ready for break?"

I rub my eyes. "I guess."

"Oh, come on! You have to be more excited than that!"

I throw my hands up in the air. "Wooo!" I shout jokingly. I hear John in the other room howl in return. Stephen and I laugh.

"That's more like it. Are you down to go to the movies with Alex, Jess, and us tonight?"

"Oh... Tonight?" Tonight is the night I'm supposed to go to Riley's party as Connor's sort-of-unofficial date.

"Yeah," Stephen says. "The new X-Men movie came out today. Anthony went to the midnight premiere with Tanner and Chelsea. They all said it was really good."

"Oh, right. Yeah it sounds really cool Stephen but... I don't think I can."

He frowns. "Is it because Alex is going?"

"No, it's not that. I just... have plans."

He furrows his eyebrows. "What plans?"

"I can't really say."

"You're being really suspicious," he admits.

I sigh. "You have to promise you won't tell Alex. He doesn't know and I don't plan on telling him yet."

He grins. "Oh, this is going to be good. I can already tell."

I roll my eyes before telling him. "Alright well... Connor kind of invited me to a party tonight."

"A party? You mean Riley's end-of-the-year bash?" I nod. "With Connor?" I nod again. "Milan, what the hell? You promised me you wouldn't hang around him."

"It's not serious, okay? I'm just doing it to get back at Alex."

"It's still stupid. Milan, I know you and I know what Riley's parties are like. They are so not your scene. And Connor? Are you really going to stoop down so low, just to piss Alex off? I mean, I know he's being all moody lately but this is so ridiculous."

"Listen, I know what I'm doing okay? I don't need you lecturing me."

"Alright, whatever. But it's really stupid, and you should really reconsider it."

I sigh. I wouldn't expect anybody to approve and I wouldn't either if I was in their position, but it still sucks.

John runs into the room. Stephen and I turn to him. "Alright, so breakfast or what? I am starving."

Stephen looks at me one more time before getting up and I could see the disapproval in his eyes.

*

Alex and I spend the rest of the day with the twins. We act civil with each other, trying to pretend like things are going back to normal. I just try not to make eye contact most of the time.

It's about eight o'clock in the evening when Stephen, John, and Alex are finally leaving for the movie.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Alex asks.

"Yeah, maybe next time."

"Alright." He looks disappointed.

John has a huge grin on his face as he hugs me goodbye. Stephen isn't as enthusiastic but he still hugs me. Before he pulls away, he says something in my ear as John and Alex start getting to the front door. "Remember, Becca lives with Riley so hang out with her. That way you're not alone with Connor if he starts acting like a douche, which he probably will." When he looks at me, I just nod.

I walk with Stephen and watch them get into Alex's car. I go back inside and take in a deep breath as I close the front door. I head upstairs to start getting ready for the party. I've never been to the kinds of parties Connor goes to so I'm not sure what I should wear. I decide to take Stephen's advice and call Becca. I make her swear not to tell Alex I'm going to her sister's party and she agrees. She arrives in about fifteen minutes.

"Thank God you called," she says as she walks through the door. She lets out a big sigh of relief. "I had like, no plans. I mean, Nick and I were supposed to go out on a date tonight and he totally bailed on me because he forgot Chelsea had a ballet recital or whatever and he promised to go watch her. He wanted me to go too and I totally love the girl but I don't think I can sit there for hours and watch people doing ballet and oh my god, I didn't want to be at my sister's party alone either. Her friends are so obnoxious. I know Jess would go but you know she's like totally in love with John so of course she'd rather hang out with him. I don't even think she likes X-Men. Oh, the things a girl will do for love. Have you even seen the movie? Nick wants to drag me to a showing but this science-fiction stuff just isn't for me, you know? I told him he should have gone with Anthony, but did he listen to me? No, he didn't. Anyways, I was all depressed about everyone having plans tonight."

"Good thing you have me." I smirk as we get to the top of the stairs.

"Yes, Milan. What ever would I do without you?" she says dramatically. "Why are you even going though? If it's to have fun, trust me, we're better off doing something else. I know you don't go to parties and really, you're not missing out on much, especially if my sister is the one throwing it. There's already a mob at my house and they're all full of themselves and under the influence, the most annoying combination. By the time we get there, the place will reek of sweat, weed, and alcohol." She moans. "Ugh, and I have to sleep there when it's all over. It's going to be so messy and gross in the morning. I don't understand how people can enjoy themselves that way. Everyone's drunk and it's just like a big waste of time."

I shrug. "I know but I was asked."

She makes an interested "oooh" noise. "Well, that changes different. Who asked you?"

I crinkle my nose before admitting, "Connor."

"Oh my goodness, no wonder you don't want Alex to know. He would flip."

"Trust me, I know." I walk towards my closet. "But I don't want to think about that right now. Can we just figure out what I should wear? What do people even wear to parties?"

"Just dress really casual," she says. "Your boyfriend was one of the first people to arrive and he was just wearing jeans and his letterman jacket."

"He's not my boyfriend," I reply.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... he's cute though, and how long have you been single?"

I end up walking to Becca and Riley's front door in jeans with a pink tank top with a leather jacket. Becca tried convincing me to wear a summer dress for half an hour but I told her it was stupid because it's freezing. She promised it would get really hot when everyone is dancing and that most girls were wearing even less than me, but I refused. She opens the door and the muffled music from inside is suddenly clear and it's blaring into my ears.

I realize what she means. Most girls are in mini skirts and spagetti straps, and I also get what Becca said about the heat. The moment I walk through the door, I start to take my jacket off. Bodies from all around are rubbing into me, making the room's air feel heavy and uncomfortably warm. All I see are flashing lights and boys and girls holding red plastic cups in the air as they move to the music. When we pass her kitchen, I see numerous bottles of alcoholic beverages and all I can think about is how dead I would be if my parents or brothers ever found out where I was. I feel so disoriented from the lights and the music and the bodies, so I stay close behind Becca as she leads me to the back of the party where she said Connor was. She slides open the glass door leading into the backyard. When she slides it closed again, I realize there is different music, the kind that makes you wanna tap your foot, not grind on the person in front of you. Out here, people are mostly drinking and talking. They're way less compacted than inside but there is a small crowd to my right.

I see him. He's laughing as he watches someone else dancing and doing the wave with his arms. I realize it's the tall, dark, handsome boy he was with at the park. Connor has a huge grin on his face as he takes a long swig from his own red plastic cup. His eyes light up when he sees me.

He approaches me. "You came!"

"You seem surprised." I dig my hands into my pockets and look around, feeling totally out of my element. I'm surprised myself, actually.

"You're just unpredictable." He smirks with only one corner of his mouth. I smile back uncomfortably, unsure of what I've gotten myself into. He turns his eyes away from me. "Hey Becca, didn't know you'd be here either."

She smiles. "Tonight is just full of surprises, isn't it?" She puts her hands on my shoulder. "I'll be inside if you need me." She grins at Connor one more time before sliding the door open and disappearing in the midst of all the bodies and flashing lights.

My body tenses up now that I'm alone and I avoid looking at Connor's face but then he holds his cup towards me. "Here, have some." I look at him questioningly. "It'll help loosen you up."

I've never tasted alcohol before and I don't feel like getting caught with anything else so I say, "No thank you."

The friend that was dancing comes up behind him. "Man, I need to fill up my cup. Want anything?"

"Nah, I'm good." Connor looks at me. "This is my friend Milan."

His friend glances at me and I realize he didn't notice me until now. "Ah, of course. The beautiful Milan Gaskarth!" He exclaims. He bows and pulls my hand gently towards him before kissing it. "What a pleasure it is to meet you!" I smile and he heads inside.

"That was Derek. He's usually really drunk and looking for trouble. He's kind of obnoxious but you learn to love him with time."

"That's okay. I think I like him." He reminds me of John, only John doesn't need alcohol to be obnoxious and lovable.

Connor laughs and starts leading me to his friends. "I hope you like the rest of them too." He points to them as he calls out their name. "Michael, Anthony, Luke."

Michael looks and me when he hears his name and presses his lips together but it isn't necessarily a smile. Anthony says "hey!" very enthusiastically. The last boy, Luke, was the third boy who was with Connor in the park that one night. He smiles gently and they all return to their conversation.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Connor asks.

"Yeah, sure."

He leads me to a table with a punch bowl and I am just trusting him that it isn't spiked. "So I've never met your friend Luke before."

"Luke, oh yeah, he's cool. He is freakishly smart, like the smartest person I've ever met in my life. He's valedictorian of the senior class, you know? He's really quiet but there are like, multiple worlds inside of that kid." He finishes pouring my drink and hands it to me. "We've been friends for years and everyday I'm learning something new about him."

"He sounds interesting," I say.

"Yeah..." He looks like he wants to say more but then he says. "Do you dance?"

I shake my head feverishly. "Do you?"

He laughs. "Yeah but I'm not very good." He sets his cup down. "Come on, let's dance."

"No seriously, I can't." I start panicking. Thank God Luke taps Connor's shoulder from behind.

"Hey, can I talk to you real quick?"

Connor looks hesitant but he says, "yeah sure."

I want to tell him to stay with me because I'll feel like an idiot standing here alone but I don't want to seem needy so I just force a smile as they both walk away. "Oh my God oh my God oh my God," I mumble to myself as I look around at all the unfamiliar faces. I take a sip of my punch.

The next song starts playing and I realize it's one of my favorites. Somehow that relaxes me a little. I take in a deep breath and look over at Connor and Luke, who are halfway across Becca's backyard, to see if they're done talking yet. They're not. Connor is shaking his head like Luke just said something adsurd and Luke shrugs while looking away from Connor and somewhere into the distance. I follow his gaze and I think he's looking at Michael, who is still talking to Anthony. It seems Derek hasn't returned from filling his cup. I look back inside through the glass doors at the mess of flashing lights and dancing, sweaty bodies. He probably got sucked into the crowd. He seems like the energetic, dancing type.

As I watch the people inside dance, I see someone familiar push through the mess and slide the door open. She's walking a bit clumsy. She's probably drunk. Once she closes the door again, she turns around and says. "Oh, I love this song!" Then she starts singing along and swaying her hips to the music as she walks, which worries me because she already looks like she's going to fall. "So when you give that look to me, I better look back carefully, 'cause this is trouble, yeah this is trouble!"

She approaches the punch table and tries to fill up her red cup but spills a lot of it. I decide to help her before she gets it all over herself.

"Connie?" I say.

She turned around with widened eyes like she's surprised to hear her name. "Hey! ...oh... Milan, right?"

I catch a whiff of her breath. Just because I've never tasted alcohol doesn't mean I don't know what it smells like. "Yeah," I say. "Here, let me help." I take her red cup. There's another mysterious liquid in her cup and I spill it onto the grass. I'm sure she's had enough. I see a bucket of ice that probably had sodas in it or something but half of it is melted. I don't see water anywhere else so I dip the cup in it to fill it up. It's the only thing I'm positive is safe and at this point I'm not even sure she knows what she's drinking. She's singing again when I hand it to her. "We're in danger, sleeping with a friend, sleeping with a friend..." She stops singing and nods her head to the music. "Have you ever slept with a friend?" she asks.

"Uh... not really," I say.

She takes a sip from her cup. "You shouldn't. It's not all it's cracked up to be."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind," I say, not really taking her seriously.

"God, you know what's worse though? Getting rejected by a friend... for sex, like who turns down sex? Especially coming from the biggest slut at school. God, what an insult!" She takes another sip.

"The biggest slut?" I laugh. The word has always been kind of funny to me. I never understood why people get so offended by it, especially since I believe most people secretly want to be a slut. I just always laugh.

"Yeah. Connor," she says.

My interest in the conversation suddenly spikes. "What do you mean?" I ask quickly.

"I mean, like after I lost my brother and all, I didn't want to talk to anyone. Connor was just always there to talk to and God, I said the most twisted and depressed things to him and he was never weird about it; he never judged me. So naturally I got kind of into him. He kissed me but he kisses everyone, seriously. But I was practically begging him to have sex with me but he kept saying I was too young or whatever, which is bullshit. He has sex with like, everyone but he's just weird about it sometimes. He's actually really picky if you get to know him."

"Oh, is he?" I say.

"Yeah, he's really fucking weird about sex." I'm a bit appauled by how much she's cursing but I guess I just never talked to her long enough to know her personally on really any level. I'm hoping it's just the alcohol, but maybe I was just completely wrong about her. "Like we made out and stuff. We made out a lot." I ball my left hand into a fist. It's kind of annoying that she keeps talking about kissing him. I get it. She kissed him. I don't want her to keep repeating it. "But sometimes he would stop kissing me randomly and just ask me how I'm doing, like how awkward is that? We're getting all sexy and he reminds me about my dead brother."

"Did he help you with... that? I mean, the pain of..." I can't get myself to say it out loud.

"Of losing my brother? Well yeah. He made me talk about it like every damn day. It's not like I'm over it but after he made me bawl my eyes out like a million times, I just let most of it out already, you know? He made me do it. It's like he knew I was trying to bottle it up inside so he tried breaking me down until there was nothing left. All he wanted to do was talk, it was so annoying. And when he kissed me, it was almost out of habit, like he's just so used to kissing girls that it didn't mean anything at all and he wasn't really enjoying it. I kind of hated him for it at first, because all I wanted was sex and he made it all complicated and he played all hard to get. But anyways, I'm so over that asshole. He's like a brother to me now I guess, in a gross kind of way since I tried sleeping with him but it's fine."

"He's like a brother to you?" I'm a bit skeptical about the concept.

"Well I mean, yeah. He kind of took care of me and made sure I didn't make any bad decisions, all of that."

"Hm."

"Alright, I'm heading back inside. Enjoy yourself." She spins around and I hear her say, "This song sucks" but she's still nodding her head to it. I disagree. I love this song.

I wanna be your lost boy,
your last chance,
a better reality, yeah...

I check on Connor and Luke again. Luke's frowing and barely parting his lips as he talks. Connor watches him with a cocked eyebrow. Eventually Connor nods and they give each other one of those half-hugs that guys always give each other. He stares at his friend thoughtfully as he walks away then comes back to me.

He takes a sip of his red cup and then says. "You ever think you know someone but they do or say one thing and you question everything?"

All I can think of is Connor, ironically. "I was just thinking the same thing... about you."

"No, really. I mean, I'm just me but there are people out there with so much depth and so much going on. Like there are some people that always have this half-grin splattered on their face but sometimes I just look at them and their eyes- God, their eyes- they look so sad; it like, hurts my soul."

"What do you mean?"

"I have this friend. He's always smiling and cracking jokes and making people feel good about themselves, right? But when you look at him, like actually look at him, he just seems so sad himself and I wonder if other people see it too."

I look over at Luke who's exiting the house through the back gate. I'm pretty sure Connor's talking about him but doesn't want to say his name but it also sounds like he's describing Derek so I'm not sure at all. Before I can respond, we're interrupted... Again.

It's a girl. "Nobody will dance with me. Come dance with me." She sounds so whiny and I try so hard not to roll my eyes because he was clearly talking to me.

Connor smiles uncomfortably. "Maybe later."

"No! Come on. Pleaseeeee! Just one song." She looks at me. "You don't mind, do you?" I grit my teeth. Do I mind? Of course I mind. I'm just trying to talk to him and no one is giving me a chance. I shake my head anyway. I'm too much of a coward to say what I really think. I regret it almost immediately.

"Well, since you don't mind... I'll be quick, I swear," Connor says.

I sigh. "Yeah, no problem."

The girl, who I've never seen before in my life, pulls him inside with a big, stupid grin on her face. I stand outside awkwardly for a few minutes. I know a song has passed, then a second song is finished playing. He said one song. I decide to head inside and blend in with the crowd instead of looking like a loser outside.

I catch a really small glimpse of his face and I notice he's dancing with a completely different girl. I kind of hope he only promised her one song too. I lose sight of him and he fades into the crowd again. I'm really annoyed.

"Lost?" I turn to the voice. It's Cat. She's re-filling her cup with all the bottles set up on the counter behind me.

"I'm just waiting for someone," I say.

"Huh..." She examines me with a slightly cocked eyebrow. I can tell she's wondering why I'm here. "Well, aren't you going to fill up your cup?" I look down and see that I'm almost finished with my fruit punch.

"I, uh, I don't really... drink."

"Wow, you don't drink? That is so dull."

I really wish she wasn't talking to me. I feel like she's totally judging me. I wish Connor was here with me to help me with the situation. "I just don't see the need for it, I guess."

"Oh, you're one of those."

Riley comes up behind Cat. Thank God, I think to myself. "Do you know what Connor was drinking?"

The sound of his name makes me tense up. "How the hell would I know?" Cat says in return.

"He needs his cup filled. I have no idea what he wants."

"Here, I know what he likes. I'll fix him up his favorite drink." She takes the empty cup from Riley's hand. The fact that Cat knows his favorite drink and I don't makes me kind of upset. "Riley, you know Milan, right?"

Riley looks at me and smiles. "Becca's friend right? Yeah I remember you." I smile back.

"Where have you guys been? Come out here and dance with us!" a boy is shouting as he tries to separate himself from the crowd and approaches the girls. "I have something for you guys." He opens his palm and reveals two white pills.

"Oh, perfect. Just what I needed," Cat says. "Well, Milan, hope you have fun with your sober self and whoever you're waiting for shows up." She swallows the pill and disappears into the crowd with Connor's drink.

Riley smiles at me as the boy pulls her in Cat's direction.

I fiddle with my hands nervously. I can't see Connor in the crowd at all. I feel alone and stupid and awkward.

The song changes three times before I finally decide to go home. I'm too upset and embarrassed to even say goodbye to Becca or Connor or anyone. I just want to be alone and I keep beating myself up for this stupid night.

I didn't fit in at all. How could I have believed that time with Connor would benefit me in any way? Connor and I come from two totally different worlds that will never collide in the right way.