These Butterflies

It's 1:13 AM.

I'm watching my house from the empty street. I can see a faint light through the window curtains on the first floor which must be coming from the living room. If I walking in through the front door, I'll surely be seen by whoever's inside, so I have to think of a way to sneak into my own house. I sigh and narrow my vision onto my bedroom window which is above the garage door. I eye the rose wall next to the garage door and toy with the idea of using the wood skeleton behind the roses as a ladder in my head. The light coming through the window won't come off and I decide to go through with the idea of climing the side of my house. I look around and scan my dark, quiet neighborhood to make sure no one is around to see me. I feel so paranoid as if someone would be on the look out for teenagers climbing the outside of their house after midnight. I almost roll my eyes at the thought. Who in God's name in this nice neighborhood would be out at one in the morning for any reason? Everyone here is so boring and responsible and normal; they're usually out by 9 o'clock. No one here causes trouble.

I walk across the driveway and approach the rose wall. I reach my hands over my head and get a grip on one of the openings of the criss-crossed wood slabs. I slightly pull down and the rose wall seems to stay firm so I put one foot before the other only a few inches about the ground. When I see that my entire body weight doesn't cause the whole flower wall to collapse, I start moving up. When I reach the top I use my arms to pull the rest of my body onto the ceiling of the first floor. I stay crouched and force myself not to look down as I go towards my bedroom window. It's only a few feet before I get to the slab of roof under my bedroom window which is only about two feet long between the window the edge. I get a bit freaked out when I realize how slanted downward it is. I suck in a deep breath and continue going forward because I've gone too far now to just walk through my front door and get caught because I wimped out. I reach up and grip onto the windowsill. I always like my room a bit chilly so my window is a crack open. I accidentally broke my screen a few weeks ago so nothing is in my way and I easily slide the window open. I keep getting in trouble for leaving my window open because my mom says it's like I'm inviting someone to rob the house but I always joke back that no one has the courage to sneak in through a window on the second floor.

I stand up and bring my legs up through the window. I miscalculate how high off the ground the window is between the roof and the inside's floor so my body kind of makes a plunk noise when I hit the floor. I moan quietly in pain.

"Lani?" I hear Alex's voice from in his bedroom. I hear his footsteps go into the bathroom connecting our bedrooms. I quickly take off my leather jacket so he can't tell I've been out. I turn the lamp next to my bed on. He opens the door leading into my bedroom. "Are you okay?" I just nod. I don't know if he knew I wasn't in my room and I feel like if he hears my voice, he'll know I'm hiding something. "What was that noise?"

"What noise? I didn't hear anything." I respond. I'm still on my knees behind my bed, the opposite side of where Alex is standing. I can't stand myself because I'm wearing jeans and shoes. He'll know I was out if he sees what I'm wearing.

He furrows his eye brows. "What are you doing?"

I freeze. "Uh... I just... I was..." I need to make something up but my mind feels blank. "I lost... this homework packet I had..." It almost sounds like a question because I don't know if he'll believe me. "It's due the first day back and I'm pretty sure it got lost in the in the mess under my bed," I lie.

"Oh..." He takes a step forward. "Do you need help? What subject was-"

"No!" He stops in his tracks when I yell. "I'll find it, thanks. It should be here. Can we talk later?"

He hesitates. "Yeah... I guess." He lowers his head and walks back into his room, closing the door behind him. I sigh in relief. He didn't question me so obviously he didn't know I was gone, which means no one's checked my room. I just got away with sneaking out.

I stand up and quickly go over to my dresser to change into my sleepwear before anyone else can come in, possibly catching me wearing my... "party" clothes. Then I hurry to close my window because I'm getting really cold.

I leap onto my bed feeling exhausted and decide to look at my phone before going to sleep. I see three missed calls from Becca. They were made about fifteen minutes ago. I'm surprised I didn't feel my phone vibrate. It was in my front pocket all night. She must have called me when I was being a dare-devil and climbing the side of my house.

I also have a few text messages from her.

Becca: Where are you?
Received: 12:06 AM

Becca: Are you still here?
Received: 12:45

Becca: Why aren't you with Connor?
Received: 12:52 AM

Becca: Pick up your phone!!!!!!!!!
Received: 1:19 AM

Becca: MILAN GURL YOU'RE GIVING ME ANXIETY ARE YOU OKAY
Received: 1:25 AM

Becca: If you don't call me in like ten minutes, I am assuming you were kidnapped and will literally call the cops and you know I will.
Received: just now

I smile. Becca can be pretty ridiculous sometimes. I text her to let her know I'm alright and home safe. I notice I still have a text notification so I check my other threads.

Connor: Milan. I am so, so sorry.
Received: 12:54 AM

*

I wake up Saturday morning and see two missed calls from Connor. He must have called after he realized I wasn't going to text him back. I clear the notification and go downstairs to have breakfast. No one's awake yet and I eat cereal by myself on the counter. My phone starts ringing. It's Connor again. I press 'ignore.' I'm just over it and uninterested in what he has to say. He was interesting at first but after last night, he's just more trouble than he is an escape. I didn't like how I felt being with him and I know it's better if I just try to forget about him completely before I get too caught up in his games. I'm just done and have no more energy nor do I have the intrigue I had before in getting involved in the kind of trouble he gets into.

After finishing my cereal and washing the few dishes in the sink, I head upstairs and change. I'm kind of upset about a lot of things: Matt, Alex, Alex's clingy ex-girlfriend, my bad first date with Connor, and the fact that pretty much nothing in my life is going right. Even my grades this semester are bad and Stephen is mad at me, which I understand because I was acting like such an idiot. I feel like going to this local hill, Mount Vendise, that everyone likes to hike. A little excersize will help me get my mind off of everything.

I knock on my parents door to let my mom know where I'm going. Dad is still away at work.

"Alright, well please just wash the dishes before you leave," my mother says.

"Already done."

"This is why you're my favorite." She laughs. I smile and give her a kiss on the cheek before jogging downstairs and out the door.

I feel very warmed up by the time I get to Mount Vendise, so I pick up the pace and start running. There's a steep short-way, about a mile that basically goes straight up the side of the hill and then there's a long-way, which is a two-mile incline that wraps around the hill. I feel a little courageous so I turn right, the long way. About three quarters of a mile up, my legs feel like they're on fire and I can hardly breathe. I suddenly remember how much I hate running. I hunch over and put my hands on my knees. I'm about to turn around but I sigh. I need to finish what I started, so I suck it up and continue going up. I get to the top in about ten minutes. I can't help but smile and put my hands on my hips, feeling satisfied. I walk over to the edge and admire the view.

"I am never doing this again," I mumble to myself through my smile.

I walk the entire downhill because Becca is always complaining about people who run downhill, saying that all they're doing is messing up their knees and I really like my knees how they are. Besides, Becca is like an expert when it comes to running. She's been doing it competitively since she was eight, so she knows how to prevent injuries. There's more people running at this time of day so I greet and encourage everyone I see heading up. Seeing people smile at me helps me feel more satisfied.

I get home and shower. As I'm drying my hair, Becca texts me.

Becca: Hey, wanna grab some frozen yogurt at the mall today?
Received: a few seconds ago

Me: Yeah, sounds fun! I'm free all day.
Received: a few seconds ago

Becca: Awesome! I'll pick you up in 30 min :)
Received: a few seconds ago

By the time I'm done getting ready, Becca arrives and I hear her honk. I rush downstairs, out the door, and into her car.

"Hey," I say breathlessly as I pull my seatbelt on.

She smiles. "Hey." She pulls out of the driveway and starts heading toward the city. "So what happened last night?"

Her question surprises me. "Uh, I just didn't fit in. Big shocker."

"But I thought you and Connor..." She trails off.

"He was just doing his own thing," I say, "and I didn't belong there. Can we just leave it alone please? The whole night was kind of a disappointment."

"Oh, alright... I'm sorry. Hey, you mind if we go to the surf shop first? My wetsuit got caught on something in my bag and totally ripped across the side."

I ask her why she needs one since it's totally freezing this time of year at the beach to which she replies "because the waves are awesome this time of year" to which I reply "You're insane but as long as you're happy..."

I don't really come to the mall often and I get confused with all the stores but Becca knows exactly where to go when we get there. We get to the surf shop and she heads straight towards the wetsuits. "Hey, guess what?" I say as we're walking. "I ran to the top of Mount Vendise today, like I actually ran." Becca's a runner so I know she will appreciate my little accomplishment.

Her jaw drops. "No way! That's awesome. You should have totally invited me! Nobody ever wants to run with me."

"Well, I didn't know I was going to run until I got there. It just kind of happened."

I could tell she's a little too excited for me when she responds, "You should totally join track with me when we get back!"

"Oh no, I hate running. Like half way up, I was like I've made a mistake." She laughs. "No, I'm serious. You should have seen me. I was hunched over and everything. It was bad, but I finished."

"That's what matters." She laughs.

I lean against the wall and Becca continues going through her options and that's when I notice someone through the glass of the front of the store. My body tenses up when he turns into the store, and I make eye contact with him.

"Oh no," I say.

"What?"

"Connor's here." He bites his bottom lip and has his hands shoved in his lettermans jacket as he approaches us.

"Maybe, uh... maybe you should, uh, just talk to him and see what's up?" she suggests.

The idea is absolutely absurd. I look at Becca to respond. She hasn't looked at me since I realized Connor was here. She's fiddling with the rack nervously with her lips pressed tightly together. "...you knew," I accuse her.

She throws her hands up in the air. "Oh, come on! He just wants to talk!"

"You tricked me!"

"I knew you wouldn't come if I told you."

"Of course I wouldn't! Why would you do this to me?"

"Because I don't want you to stay upset about last night. He feels really bad and aw, he gave me these puppy eyes when he asked, I couldn't say no. Please just talk to him. He was looking for you all over the place after you ditched-"

"I didn't ditch anybody. He ditched me!" I feel totally betrayed.

"Well, whatever happened, he feels really bad about it. I could tell. I mean he was freaking out when you left the party and you wouldn't answer him and he was like 'Dude I fucked up so bad. How do I fix this?' and just come on! Have a heart." She makes a really dramatic pout.

I fight the urge to roll my eyes and look at him. "Fine, I'll talk to him. But after this, drop it and don't ever do this again."

I could tell she feels guilty because she frowns. "Alright, I promise I won't. I am so, so sorry."

I shake my head and walk towards him. He stops in his tracks and kind of smiles in a nervous way. "Look, it's fine. Don't worry about it," I say.

I'm about to walk away because having a conversation with him would be pointless but he goes "Waitwaitwaitwait!"

I sigh. "What it is, Connor?"

"Listen, let me make it up to you. I promise this time-"

"No thanks. Really, it's okay."

"No, it's not. I should've paid more attention to you and inviting you to that party was so stupid but if you give me another chance I can-"

"I really just don't think that's a good idea. I'm sorry." I know if I hang out with him again it will just go like last time and besides, I lost all interest last night when he made feel stupid for even being with him. He's too much trouble to be my escape.

"Milan, please. I promise it'll be different the second time."

"It won't Connor. I'm sorry but we just come from two different worlds... you know that. You know we're too different. It's exhausting trying to pretend that we're not."

He shrugs his shoulders and I could tell he's trying to think of something that will change my mind but he can't. He sighs and looks back at me. "Alright, I won't bother you again." I'm almost surprised. He gave up too quickly, given that it's Connor. Maybe I've finally worn him down with so many rejections. He gives me a hug. I give him a half-hearted smile. I think this is the end of it but the last thing he says is, "You can still change your mind. Just call me." He shoves his hands in his pockets again and walks away.

I stand there dumb-founded for a few seconds. I don't really know how to process what happened. After all this time of trying to win me over, Connor finally seems to have given me up. I'm slightly disappointed but mostly relieved.

I spend another two hours with Becca shopping. She has apologized like a million times but I told her it wasn't a big deal and that it's okay. I know she meant no harm. She was just trying to help. Before we leave, we get our frozen yogurt.

"Let me just get an iced tea and then we'll leave," she says. "But I have to go to the bathroom first."

"Alright. I'll be here."

When she leaves, I feel my phone vibrate.

Stephen: Let's go out to dinner tonight? I heard of this amazing pizza place they just opened up downtown
Received: just now

I'm a little confused. I thought he was still mad at me since I went out with Connor.

Me: You're not mad?

He responds almost immediately.

Stephen: No

"Milan!" I jump slightly at the sound of my name. It's definitely not Becca. I can still see her walking toward the restroom.

I turn my head to the left. I see Melissa. She's only two tables down and wringing her hands nervously as she approaches me.

The only thing going through my head is "Oh great, what does she want now?" I put my phone down.

She gets to my table. "Hey," she says.

"Hey-" I'm barely done saying the word when she talks again.

"Has Alex said anthing about me?" She forces a smile but she looks really nervous.

I hate the way she says his name, like he's still hers when he's not. He broke up with her and then he gave himself to me. He gave me everything. "I haven't heard anything about you," I say.

"Are you sure? I mean he must have at least-"

"I'm sure," I interrupt. "He broke up with you, Melissa. Don't you think you should move on?"

"Well I was trying..." Yeah right, I think to myself. "But the night he dropped me off..." She gulps. "I thought maybe he thought about it and changed his mind..."

"What happened the night he dropped you off?" My heart starts beating nervously.

"Listen, can you please just talk to him for me? He hasn't called or-"

"What happened?" I repeat. "I mean, you guys didn't..." It's stupid. He wouldn't do it, not the day after I gave him my virginity. "No. You didn't sleep together."

She's biting her lip. "We did," she says quietly. My heart sinks immediately. "I need him back Milan, please. Can you please talk to him for me? Tell him to call me."

I can't believe what I just heard. I can't just sit here with her. I can't even bear to look at her right now. I stand up quickly and leave. I hear her call my name and I quicken my pace.

Becca sees me. "Is something wrong?"

"I need you to take me home now."

"What? I haven't even gotten my iced tea yet."

"Becca, now. Please," I beg.

She notices how desperate I am to get out of there. "Fine. Okay... okay. Let's go." I stay ahead of Becca and she's practically running to keep up with me. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Becca respects my wishes and neither of us say a word until we get to my house, which only takes about fifteen minutes. "I'm so sorry Becca," I say.

"Hey, it's okay. I know you've had a rough couple of hours. Just try to feel better, alright? Call me if you need anything."

I force a smile. "Thanks. Really, I'm so sorry. I'll explain later."

"You don't have to if you don't want to."

"You're the best." I head inside and peek into the living room where my mom is. "Hey, I'm home!"

"Oh, hi dear," she says with a smile.

I force a smile back and then I run upstairs to Alex's room.

He's sitting on his bed when I come in. He looks surprised when he sees me, but quickly gets over it and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. "Hey," he says sweetly, almost a little excited. I haven't really talked to him at all since our brothers left and I doubt this is the conversation he is expecting.

My breath gets caught in my throat when I see his face. The fact that kissing me and touching me meant so little to him that he could go do it to another girl makes me feel so small and dumb and sick. I forget what I wanted to scream at him when I was in the car but I definitely don't have the confidence for whatever it was now. "How could you?" I whisper.

"What?" He looks confused.

I just stand there and stare at him like an idiot. Ever since he told me he didn't love me, I've been so frustrated and disappointed that he could just give up on us. But now all I feel is hopelessness and sorrow. He's all I've ever wanted and after we made love, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. But Alex went ahead and had sex with Melissa. I wasn't enough for him. I start to cry. I stand there in front of him like an idiot and just start to cry.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He gets up and hugs me. He tucks my head into the crook of his neck and before, this used to be the most comforting feeling in the world but now it just makes me feel worse.

I push away from him. "Get off!" He looks at me, shocked. "You lied to me!"

"What are you talking about?" he asks.

"You said I was your everything. You said nothing has ever felt so right." My voice begins to shake and my knees feel weak when I remember everything he said to me right before he made love to me. Honestly, if he still wasn't holding onto my arms, I wouldn't be able to hold myself up. "You told me you loved me. If you really meant all of that, you wouldn't..."

"Wouldn't what, Lani? I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. You know that."

I shake my head at him. "You're lying again."

"What the hell are you talking about, Lani? Tell me!"

"You slept with her! You told me you loved me more and then you slept with her! How could you do that to me?"

His eyes widen. "I... It- Lani, I swear I-"

"Don't even try," I tell him. "You can't take anything back. You chose to be with her when I was still here waiting for you to come around!"

"It was a mistake, I swear. It was stupid. It won't happen again. Lani, look at me please." I can't stop crying. "Lani, it won't happen again." He grabs my face as he continues talking to me. He's almost whispering. "I love you so much. It didn't mean anything. Please forgive me. Please."

"You said it was amazing and that you've never felt so close to anyone. How could you sleep with her the day after you slept with me? I gave you everything. I would have given you more if I could. I would."

"Lani, I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. I know that doesn't make up for it. I was just scared. I didn't know what else to do."

"Did our night mean so little to you?"

"No," he says desperately. His hands keep trying to brush away my tears but they won't stop flowing down my cheeks. "Our night was the most special night of my life, but Matt-"

"Forget Matt!" I yell, annoyed. I don't care what Matt said anymore. If Alex really wanted me, he would have fought for me. I start getting more angry just thinking about it. I trusted him with everything in me and he made me look like an idiot. He gave me hope and then he betrayed me.

"I'm just so afraid of hurting you any more. I thought maybe getting back with Melissa would- I don't know- fix everything. I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Fix what? The fact that I love you? I know it's such a big problem," I say sarcastically, "but you can't change that. I feel so dumb for even trying to convince you. I just wanted to get closer to you and now I couldn't feel farther. We're so far from each other that you have no idea what this is doing to me."

"I know and I'm sorry. I'm an idiot, okay? I messed up so bad and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I swear you mean everything to me. I'll do whatever it takes to make everything okay again. I swear this time will be different." He sounds just like Connor and it makes my blood boil. He tries to hug me again but I push him off.

"It's too late. You already did it. You could have had me but you didn't want that."

"You're not being fair." He sounds desperate.

"Are you kidding me? I only wanted you... You could have done whatever you wanted and you already made your decision. I'm tired of trying to convince you. I give up. I wish I could just take it all back."

"Don't say that. Please."

"I saw you talking to her at school but I'd never guess you slept with her. I feel so stupid. I can't believe you would do this to me. I know you're not in love with me but out of all the girls in the world, you went with her immediately after rejecting me. I can't even look at you right now..."

"Hold on. Let me explain! Really, I can!"

"I don't care! I mean, why couldn't you just have told me yourself? I had to go and hear it from her. I must have looked so stupid!"

"How could I tell you anything?" he yells. "You refuse to talk to me!"

I'm crying even more and it's getting harder to talk between my sobs. "I can't just pretend that nothing happened the way you do! My heart... feels like it's breaking... every time I look at you and every time I hear your voice."

He sighs and pulls me closer. "I know I never seem to say the right thing but if you just hear me out-"

I'm tired of his excuses. "I don't want to talk to you anymore." I try to pull away but he grabs me even harder that it hurts but I don't say anything.

"Listen to me!" he screams.

"No! Get off!" I try to twist my arm out of his grip but he's too strong.

"What is all of this fighting about? I could hear you two all the way downstairs!" Our mom's voice comes from the hallway. Alex finally lets go.

"It's nothing," I say quickly. "I'm going over to Stephen and John's." I rush passed my mom and head downstairs.

I hear Alex say, "Lani, wait! Please!" but I don't stop. When I get outside, I shut our front door and try to catch my breath because I don't want the twins to hear me cry. It's only a few seconds and I'm afraid Alex or my mom will try to stop me so I start walking across the street to Stephen and John's house. I knock on their front door. While I'm waiting for them to get the door, I'm still so mad with Alex that I feel like I have to do something to get back at him.

I text Connor. I accept his offer for a second date, and this time I hope Alex finds out.