These Butterflies

Lani isn't understanding me. She thinks I was trying to hurt her. She thinks I wanted to sleep with Melissa when really all I want in the world is to be with her.

"Hold on. Just let me explain," I beg. "Really, I can!" I need to tell her I love her. I need to show her how confused I am. Maybe she can help me. We can figure it out together.

"I don't care!" she screams. She's not giving me a chance. "I mean, why couldn't you just have told me yourself? I had to go and hear it from her. I must have looked so stupid!"

She can be so hypocritial sometimes. It gets under my skin. "How could I tell you anything? You refuse to talk to me!" Whenever I tried talking to her, she would just dismiss me. She wasn't even trying. I know she was upset with me but it wasn't fair of her to just cut me off like that. I don't have another friend like her. She knows how important she is to me and she just acted like I didn't exist, and that hurt me so much more than she could imagine.

She won't stop crying and she's making is really hard to stay mad. "I can't just pretend that nothing happened the way you do! My heart feels like it's breaking every time I look at you and every time I hear your voice."

Her words make my heart ache like crazy. I didn't want to tell her I didn't love her. I had to. It was the only way I could try to get everything back to normal. But now, it just doesn't make sense anymore. Things feel even more broken than they were before. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to tell her how I feel. I pull her closer to me. "I know I never seem to say the right thing but if you just hear me out-"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore." She pushes away from me but I just can't let her go, not before I tell her. I know she wants to leave, but I won't let her until she hears what I have to say.

"Listen to me!" I plead desperately.

"No!" she screams. "Get off!"

I don't let her out of my grip even though she's struggling. She doesn't even know what I have to say. She's so stubborn but I know when she hears me tell her that I do love her, I can tell her everything else and she'll finally talk to me again. I open my mouth to tell her, but I hear my mother's voice and it confuses me and catches me by surprise. "What is all of this fighting about?" she asks. "I could hear you two all the way downstairs!" She sounds so concerned and I let go of Lani without even thinking.

"It's nothing," Lani says. I look at her, confused. "I'm going over to Stephen and John's." She hurries past our mother and down the stairs.

I chase after her. "Lani, wait! Please!" I beg, but she doesn't stop. I'm halfway down the stairs when she slams the front door shut. I stop in my tracks. I hate when this happens. I know she's too upset to listen to anybody, especially me. I sigh.

My mother's voice comes from behind me. "Alex, what in the world is going on with you and your sister?"

"She's mad at me because I'm a horrible brother... and I don't blame her." I feel so stressed out just thinking about it that I start getting a headache. She puts her hand gently on my shoulder.

"Alex, you know that's not true. You're a great brother and you've always taken such great care of your younger sister. Whatever it is that is going on between you two, can you please talk to me about it? This conflict is affecting the whole family."

"Mom, I just can't. This is something only we can solve together." I start heading upstairs, my head pulsing.

"Alex, you just can't leave everyone else in the dark."

"You wouldn't understand. I have to. Please, just understand that and let us figure it out. It's personal. There's nothing you can do," I tell her. I walk into my room. I'll talk to Lani once she gets back. I just have to trust that it will be enough.

"Alright, you know you can talk to me and ask for help whenever you need to, right?"

"Yeah, mom. Thanks." I give her a weak smile. She approaches me with concerned eyes. She puts her hands on the sides of my face and kisses my cheek.

"You also have your father and your brothers. We're all here for you." Yeah, right. Matt will definitely be there for me, I think sarcastically. Just thinking about him makes me want to roll my eyes. "They may not be here physically in the house but you know they've never hesistated to answer the phone for you when you needed help." Hearing her say that makes me feel kind of depressed. I've always looked up to my brothers and they've always been my best friends, and now I feel like Matt is the enemy. I can't count on him the way I used to. In a way, I lost one of my best friends and it sucks. "Just try to rest. I'll talk to your sister when she gets back."

"Alright," I say. I hug my mother. She heads back to her bedroom, to the left of mine. I close my door and sigh. I take some pills for my headache and flop onto my bed.

*

I can't sleep when I'm upset. That's one huge difference between Lani and me. When she isn't happy, she likes escaping reality by sleeping and she can sleep for an ungodly amount of hours. But when she is happy, she doesn't want to miss anything and she can't sleep a wink. However, when I'm miserable, my body is physically so stressed out that I can't relax enough to sleep until I know everything is fixed and good. I tried taking a nap to sleep off this headache but I just can't. I can only think of Lani and knowing she isn't happy makes my mind go so crazy that my body physically cannot fall asleep. I was hoping to wake up with her in the house but it's been like three hours and she's still across the street with the twins.

I can't wait any longer and I decide to go get her.

I swing my legs off my bed and put my jacket on. My heartrate gradually increases as I head downstairs. I don't know how she's going to react when she sees me. I walk across the street and get to the Gomez residence in seconds. I take in a deep breath and knock on the front door. My fingers nervously fiddle with the inside of my pockets as I wait. John opens the door.

"Hey man," he greets me with a grin.

"Uh, hey. Where's Lani?"

"Oh, Stephen took her out to eat downtown. They left like as soon as she got here."

"Oh," I respond disappointedly.

"Yeah dude, sorry. But hey, I have some friends over if you want to come inside. I don't know if you got my text."

"Actually, I haven't checked my phone but uh, it's fine. Thanks. I'll come hang another time," I say.

"You sure? I mean, you can wait for Milan here."

I hesitate. "Yeah, that's true... I mean, alright, I guess I can stay a little while."

He grins. "Awesome. Come in."

I walk into the living room. I see some of Lani's friends, including Jess, Chelsea, and Nick. I sort of talk to them, mostly Nick, but at the same time, they're not really my crowd. I would feel awkward if it was just them but I'm glad John also invited some guys who are my friends too, Preston and Ryan. They're sitting all across the couch, watching a movie.

I force a smile. "Hey guys," I say. A lot of their greetings overlap. Since I showed up late, I only get to watch the last twenty minutes. They were watching The Purge.

John gets up to shut down the television when the credits start rolling. "Was that movie great or was it great?" he asks.

"I really liked it," Jess agrees enthusiastically. John smiles at her.

"I don't know. The ending was a bit of a letdown," Nick says.

"Yeah, I was hoping for something a little more badass," Preston adds.

I feel really bored and awkward and stressed so I just kind of sit here.

"Well you're both wrong," John says. "Anyways, you guys hungry?"

"Oh, I am starving," Jess responds.

"Yeah dude, can we order some pizza?" Nick asks.

"Yeah, we can do that."

Chelsea and Nick playfully argue over what toppings to order for the pizza. Meanwhile, John and Jess start rummaging through the fridge together for a snack. I hear Ryan and Preston talking but I'm not focusing enough to make out any words.

"Hey man, you comin'?" Preston asks. I see him staring at me.

"Oh... uh, what?" I respond stupidly.

He laughs. "My kickback tomorrow."

"Oh right." I'm not really feeling up to it anymore but I already told him I would go, and it would be really lame of me to cancel on him. "Who's coming anyway?" I ask.

"Mostly football and swim people. Also like Nick and Anthony and them. You know, the guys."

"Yeah... I'll be there... I guess."

"Yeah, cool."

I suddenly hear keys rattling and two new voices. I freeze. Stephen and Lani walk into the kitchen. Lani's face falls in disappointment when she sees me. It stings a little honestly.

I don't even notice that I completely ignore Stephen when I just stare at Lani and say, "We should go home."

"I called mom," she says. "I'm spending the night."

I furrow my eyebrows. This means I won't be able to have a conversation with her. "Alright, well can we at least talk first? I have to tell you something," I say.

"I'm sure it wait tomorrow." I can tell she doesn't want to talk to me at all and I give up.

There's no changing her mind when she starts acting this way, and I don't want to cause a scene in front of everybody so I say, "Alright, whatever. I'm going home now." I kind of wave goodbye to the room. "Have fun, guys."

"Why are you leaving so soon?" Ryan complains.

"I'm just tired," I respond. It's true though. I'm exhausted. This doesn't mean I'm getting any sleep at all, but still. Lani doesn't seem to be concerned at all. I try to hug her but she stays very unresponsive. "I'll see you tomorrow," I say. She doesn't say anything but she does look into my eyes. It's like I can read her mind. I know she's still wondering how I could do what I did, how I could choose Melissa over her. The thing is, I didn't. I made a mistake and I'm ready to tell her that. Lani is the only girl I want, and I think I'm finally ready to tell her that.

I leave the Gomez residence, feeling bummed that I couldn't tell her what I wanted to. It'll just have to wait. I'll tell her that I love her tomorrow. Nothing can get in my way tomorrow.