Kissing Shadows

She sat there, drinking vodka from it's bottle. So many emotions were running through her head.
It was half past three in the morning, and suddenly she hated herself for everything that came through her head. so many things were going through her head.
Why can't I sleep?
What if I tell that counselor something that gets me in trouble?
Or gets my mom in trouble?
What time was I supposed to get up?
How am I going to lose three jean sizes over this summer?
How do I only have one cigarette left?
Why do I want someone else here with me so bad?
Should I tell my counselor that I cut?
Should I tell her about all the drugs I do?

There is only so much that one can hold in before they just lose it. I'm so close to losing it, even though I think I already have. Maybe it's just that I'm just barely holding it together enough to seem myself.
But what do I know?
I'm just some teenager with a stupid dream of being a writer one day.
Who's had a decent life, but hates it in it's own way.
Who chooses to do drugs just because she can't keep it together in her own damn head.
Who doesn't know how to be normal.
Who doesn't know how to be a good kid.
Who doesn't know how to deal with other peoples problems; All she can do is listen.
That counts for something right?

She walked over to her bed, lifted the mattress, and grabbed a long purple box. She ran her hand over the covers and sat down with the box on her lap.
She lifted the top of the box and looked at the contents with a mixture of excitement and shame.
She grabbed her lighter, and started her journey of the self-prescribed sleep medication she's so recently become accustomed to.
She lit the joint, and grabbed her bottle when she was done.
Taking a sip to wet her throat, she held a few random pills in her palm, she dropped all of them onto her tongue and took another swig of her drink.

Mmmm..

She rolled her eyes back in ecstasy.

Too bad I'm a virgin.
With the pills I take, I just wish I could have lost my virginity a long time ago, so I would be used to this feeling.
I get these feelings even when I'm not high.
I was afraid of sex for two years, when all of my friends started to have it.
I was scared, but as of two weeks ago, I haven't been afraid anymore.
Now I just want to see what it's like.
And bag full of pills that I stole from this party a few weeks ago would be awesome to a sexually active person.
I don't know why I was afraid of sex, sometimes I still feel sort of afraid. But it's not as bad as it was before.
I've had one guy that wanted me in that way. I don't know why, I don't think I'm attractive in the least. But whatever was wrong with him, he wanted me.
And that was the greatest feeling in the world, feeling wanted.

She began to breathe heavier as she thought of him. Christopher.

And whenever he wasn't around I just kept thinking about how I should've done it, I shouldn't have been such a wimp.
But it's too late now, he's gone, across the country, in military academy.

She got her iPod and her fingers stumbled as she came across the play list.
Slow grinding music came on, it's racy lyrics pumped through the large speakers.

She didn't have to worry about her parents, who were currently at their summer house in aspen.
She didn't care that they left her alone for the summer. She preferred it greatly actually.
They left her enough money to survive a year, yet alone three months.

She began to dance by herself to the music.

Still wishing that someone was there with her.

Her best friend was 15 minutes away, if you were in a car.
She had a car, but she couldn't just go and get him, his foster mom would flip.

So she just danced some more.
Her hips moving from side to side, eyes closed.

When the song was over, another came on, faster tempo, faster words.
She fell to the floor and crawled over to the bed again, after turning up the volume.
She opened up her box once more, and looked at the contents inside once more.

My stash is beautiful.
I had so many pills, of so many different varieties.
I had four jumbo bags of four different kinds of weed.
And I emptied out the liquor cabinet in my mom's den, she had good taste.

I was set for a party, or if I finally decided to kill myself.
Either way, I'm set.

I could have a party if I knew more people.
I have at least 14 friends. not enough for a party. Enough for a get together sure.

I should have a get together tomorrow, well today.

She lit another joint, planning on smoking two this time.
she'd had enough alcohol for the night, so she capped it and put it away.

Cigarettes... Where in the hell are my cigarettes? Oh wait, there they are.. There's only one?! Fuck. I have cartons hidden somewhere.. But where? THE CLOSET!

She ran to the closet, throwing the doors open and clawing through every piece of clothing looking for the large rectangle box.
She located it inside of a shoebox in the back of her closet. she grabbed two packs of cigarettes from the newly opened carton.

She lit herself a cigarette and leaned against the wall.
The smoke floated up artfully in the still air.
Her stomach burned and her head felt heavy, unsupported by her neck.
Like a slinky holding up a cinder block.

She fell on her bed, pushing the purple box on the floor, sending it crashing on the black rug.

Staring at the ceiling she savored her cigarette.
She grabbed her cell phone and began to text her friend.

Keith, come over tomorrow. We can talk about the party that I'm finally gonna throw. ;D Night, Love you.

I loved Keith with all of my heart. We're best friends.
We shouldn't be though. It makes no sense, but we are.
Because we understand each other.
We know each other.
We help each other.
And we've saved each other countless times.

We're like brother and sister.
Like boyfriend and girlfriend.
Like husband and wife.
Like therapist and patient.
Like soul mates.

In a friendly way, we may fight alot, but we can't stay mad at each other because we need each other.

He was with me through Christopher
Through my father.
Through my addictions.

I was with him through his sexuality.
Through his mother.
Through his addictions.

It's a complicated relationship that should never work, but works perfectly in it's own way.

She sighed, thinking about Christopher again.
How he never left her mind sometimes was astounding.

I only knew him for maybe two weeks, and only interacted with him three times during those two weeks. After that for a few months, I only saw him around school.
Then he disappeared. No one knew where he went.
I've heard he was in Alabama.
I heard he was in jail in Alabama and here.
I heard that he was in military school.

But every time I hear his name, it just goes back to the first time we met.
My first party, barely a year ago.
I was so excited to finally be able to drink.
The way we met was like a 21st century version of Romeo and Juliet when they first met at that party, only everyone was tipsy.

We were having a flirty argument....

"You're a very pretty girl." he said. I shook my head, "No, you're much prettier." I said. He laughed. "Not true, If you think I'm prettier then kiss me." So I kissed him. And then he kissed me.
We went to go and drink, then somehow we wound up on the chair kissing heavily. Heavier than I've ever kissed anyone before. And I loved it.
The next morning I woke up in my bed, in the same clothes from the night before. I got flashes from last night and smiled. I called Keith and told him to meet me. We both went to the house we were at last night, it looked so much more different in the day light.
We met our friend on her porch and talked about last night. Laughing at the girl who got blackout drunk and started crying when Keith left. Then the topic was turned to me and that guy form last night.
"You're such a whore." Keith said laughing, I slapped the back of his head, "Am not!" I said laughing as well.
"Who's not a whore?" I heard a gravelly voice say from the doorway. I spoke without turning around. "No one."
He laughed and shook his head.

I have no idea why he still has such an effect on me...

Her head lolled to the side as she fell asleep to the sounds of the morning birds, dreaming of him...