Let's See What You're Not

Shim

I kicked my feet against the ground as I dragged my body back to the place that I now call home. I feel horrible; really horrible. I'm disgusted with myself and there’s nothing I can do to change what happened. Casper’s right. He said that he owns me and I can honestly say that he does now. I was never scared of him. I’ve never cried over the stuff he’s done to me before, but my eyes are tearing up thinking about him now. I’ve never felt perfectly comfortable at school and thanks to him I never will.

He was inside of me. I tasted him.

I don’t want to see him ever again. Not after that.

He’s ruined everything. I couldn’t even enjoy music today. I had it last lesson, which should’ve been amazing. I hated it though and that was all because of him. He was on my mind the whole time. Do you know how annoying it is to be thinking about the guy you hate constantly? I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so hard that I’d just disappear. I just want to be gone.

There’s nothing here for me. Hell I don’t even have a place to live.

Casper stopped me from spending time with Mark as well. I could tell he wanted me to watch his stupid hockey match, but I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with seeing him again. I came up with some ridiculous excuse about my parents. Truth is, I haven’t seen them in what feels like forever. If I'm honest, I barely remember what they look like. Mum had dirty blonde hair and dad was bald. I’ve got no idea what colour his hair was originally. I’ve got my dad’s eyes though. That’s one thing that’s keeping us connected. Whether mum and dad like it or not, they made me. Their genes are in me. They can’t change that...

I wish I could’ve watched Mark. He loves hockey. I don’t know why I even care, but he’s taking an interest in me now and I feel like I should return that interest. It doesn't annoy me when he talks to me anymore. He’s alright. He’s the only one that’s alright.

I gritted my teeth as I walked past the skip. It’s become a regular occurrence now. Whenever I walk past, Frizz and Black Beard have to say something to me. Unlike with Mark, I do find it annoying when they talk to me. We’re nothing to each other; we just sleep in similar places.

“Kiddo,” Frizz smiled as I walked by.

“Hey Kiddo, what’s botherin’ ya now?” Black Beard grunted.

“Girlie friend dumped ya?” Frizz suggested before they both erupted in hoarse laughter.

“What makes you think I want to speak to you guys?” I asked them straight up. “I don’t like you. Quit talking to me!”

They looked at each other before turning back to me.

“We’ve got your back, remember?”

“So what? I don’t need you two watching over me,” I grunted before heading into the main part of town.

I'm in the mood for performing. Sometimes it helps me to get my anger out, plus I'm really short on money and stealing lunch daily is starting to get me into trouble. No one from school has ever seen me, but that’s mainly because I tend to play in the older area of town and there aren’t any ‘cool’ shops down there for them to spend their parent’s money in.

I dumped my stuff on the ground, close to my side, and pulled my guitar out of the case, ready to take all of my anger out on the music.

“ Face me, you won't escape from me
I gotta make you see
what's keeping me alive
Inside only the blame survives
now it's too late to hide
It's down to you and I
Fake how you treat me
and make me believe,” I took a deep breath before going into the chorus, putting all of my emotions into it.

“ I've had more than I can take
There's nothing you can say
‘Cause everything I wanted you took away
That way you made me feel was never even real
You made me now I won't stop
Til something breaks”

By the time the song was finished I felt a lot calmer. Just picking up a guitar and blasting out some vocals really works magic on me. I'm actually kind of approachable now (meaning I won’t whack you over the head with my guitar if you try to start a conversation with me). Sometimes I do overeat over stuff, but this time I'm sure I was being reasonable. I'm going to stop thinking about it. I don’t want him getting in my head.

I started to play some calmer songs after that and I got a fair bit of money out of it. I wouldn't call it a lot, but people were being generous today. Usually when I do this I end up thinking horrible things about people because they act like they don’t care at all, but today, people do care. It’s weird. They’re not avoiding eye contact and pretending they haven’t noticed me, they’re actually giving me some money. It’s nice.

“Fancy seeing you again,” a friendly male voice said from behind me.

At first I didn't think they could be talking to me, but when I felt someone tap on my shoulder I turned to face them. A small smile fell onto my lips but I did my best to hide it. I'm not sure why...I just don’t like people knowing they’ve made me happy... Is that odd?

It was the man that gave me twenty pounds the other week. He looked ever so slightly different, but I knew it had to be him.

“Erm, hey,” I said awkwardly.

What else can I say to him? He’s some guy who gave me money; that’s all I know about him.

“Have you been alright since I saw you?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. Who is this guy? Why is he asking me crap like that? Why does he even care?! I think I must’ve been staring at him like an idiot for longer than I thought because he carried on speaking after that, most likely realizing that it’s none of his business and I'm not telling him anything.

“Did that twenty do much for you?”

I turned away when he asked me that. Frizz and Black Beard stole it. It did nothing good for me. All that twenty did was give those two an invitation to start interfering in my life.

It’s this guy’s fault that they keep bothering me. If I didn't have money that first time, they wouldn’t’ve paid any attention to me!

“Do you need more money?” he asked unsurely.

What sort of question is that? I'm seventeen! If I didn't need money, why would I be on the streets? Why would I smile as someone throws 20p into my guitar case if I wasn't desperate?

“Not from you,” I said bitterly.

“I thought you’d be grateful for the offer kid,” he sighed.

“I'm not a kid!” I shouted at him.

As soon as I did it I bit down on my tongue. Why am I being such an ass? This business suit guy has been nothing but nice to me, and here I am being an absolute jerk to him. At least I know I'm making him feel awkward as well now.

“I'm being nice,” the man said calmly. “I'll assume you’re having a bad day and let you off for being short tempered-”

“Bad day?!” I laughed at him. “What would you know about bad days? You’re standing there with your expensive suit, coming home from your well paid job, to your most likely perfect family. Hell, you can even afford to give strangers £20 and still be able to provide for yourself! If you’ve ever had a bad day then you must be an ungrateful snob! You’ve got everything you need!”

The man looked down at his perfectly polished shoes before lifting his head up to me.

“You know, there’s more to life than money.”

“I know better than most, man.”

I’m the one living without money, of course I know that!

“I’d advise that you go home or wherever it is that you go, so you can calm down. Taking out you anger on strangers in the street will nothing for you.”

“And taking pity on strangers won’t turn you into a good person!” I shouted before spitting on his shoes.

Ha!

I was smirking until I looked up at his face. He didn't look mad or upset; he just looked disappointed.

I’ve ruined it.

This guy cared and I’ve ruined everything now.

Seeing that look of disappointment on his face took me back to when I left home. Dad wanted me to face what I’d done and be a man about it all. I couldn’t do that though. I didn't do anything wrong. Mum’s stupid sister convinced everyone that I did though. I was the victim...Not her!

“S-sorry,” I stuttered, doing my best to fight back tears.

Yeah, I'm a wimp. I can’t face anything about home without crying about it. I hate how weak I am.

He nodded his head at me before dropping a few pounds into my guitar case and walking away. I said sorry and he turned his back on me! He still walked away! Why does apologising never fix anything for me? I build up the courage and they don’t accept it. No one ever forgives me.

I groaned before kicking the wall behind me, grabbing my things and storming off towards the pier. As I walked I was limping slightly because I kicked the wall slightly harder than I wanted to. I’ve grown a bit of a habit when it comes to taking my aggression out on walls. That’s at least the second time I’ve done it this week.

I had to walk past them again on the way back. I wasn't in the mood for it this time though. If they messed with me, I’d shut them up; whatever it takes.

As I passed them I walked even faster and with more determination than I was doing before.

Black Beard walked right up to me though, easily noticing how mad I was.

“Chill out,” he hissed, grabbing hold of my sides and stopping me from moving.

I glared at him.

“Let go,” I snapped, shoving him away from me.

“Stupid teens and their crazy hormones,” he snapped back at me.

I didn't even look at him. I just lashed out.

He looks like an old man and I just punched him in the face. I punched him! He obviously fell back a bit but I took advantage of that and kept walking down to my spot at the end of the pier.

Sometimes I can’t help asking myself what went wrong. What’s wrong with me?