Let's See What You're Not

Mark

The hockey game could’ve gone better. Even though Shim wasn't there I kept thinking about him. It’s weird really. I think I might actually think about him more when he’s not here than when he is here. Throughout the game he was on my mind and I think it showed as well. I was horrible.

The main thing I wanted to do was impress Casper and the team. I wanted to do them proud and make them think I belonged with them. To begin with I seriously failed at that (Shim’s fault) but after a while I knew I had to step my game up so I started improving from then on. I managed to set Casper up for a few good goals and I almost scored myself towards the end. It wasn't good enough though; we lost. It was the team’s first loss in a long time and the only difference was this time I was playing. The ignorant ones on the team obviously blamed me because in their eyes it couldn’t have been their fault or just that the other school were better than us. No. It was my fault; solely mine.

In the changing room the atmosphere was really bad. Everyone was shouting and complaining. It was horrible really. A lot of the guys were insulting me as if I wasn't even in the room; I chose to ignore it all though.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” Archer shouted to no one in particular.

I carried on changing to try and avoid getting involved with everything.

Everyone looked fed up as I glanced around the room.

It was a really bad game though.

“Oy, Casper, why did you get him playing?” I heard someone ask our captain.

They’re talking about me again. Great.

“Goodwin’s a good player, alright?” he snapped. “He always sets me up in PE and if it wasn't for him we probably would’ve lost by even more.”

“If that’s even possible,” Kent laughed. “Listen guys. We sucked today but next time we’ll be better.”

“I didn't suck actually. He did,” Archer shouted, pointing right at me.

I admit I didn't play well to start with but that’s harsh. I don’t like Archer.

“No man. New kid did good,” Kent defended me. “You played worse than him. How many times did you lose the ball today, well?”

“SHUT IT!” He shouted, throwing a fist towards Kent but Casper managed to grab his fist in time.

“Guys, just calm down!” Casper said calmly. “It was one bad game. Let’s move on. It was no individuals fault so stop blaming people and fighting with your own team. We’re on the same side in here boys. Start acting like it.”

I smiled at Casper’s words. He’s right. Plus from how I’ve seen him acting today, I'm starting to think that he’s a nicer guy than I thought. Him and Kent are sticking up for me. It’s nice to have people like that around. Usually the only person who defends me is Emma and to be honest she’s pretty useless when it comes to being bullied in the boys changing rooms.

Once I was changed Casper walked over to me. He was wearing nothing but a towel which was wrapped loosely around his waist and his body was dripping as he’d just got out of the shower. The curious part of me couldn’t help looking at him for a little longer than necessary.

He’s not my type, but I can’t help with agreeing with Emma on this one: He’s fit.

“Good game today mate. You up for playing again next time?”

I looked at him in shock (and awe). He wants me to play again? I just cost them the game. He hates losing.

“Uh, sure. If you think it’s a good idea anyway,” I told him in a quiet voice.

What? When a naked guy that looks like him talks to you, you have to go a little bit shy. I'm shy as it is as well so it’s even worse for me.

“It’s a great idea. You’re amazing, plus you make me look good,” he laughed. “And the guys do like you, they’re just getting used to ya and looking for excuses for that game,” he said, looking fed up when he mentioned the game.

“I’ll play then,” I told him, with more confidence this time. Casper Campbell called me amazing!

“Good,” he smiled. “Oh and did you get a shower before? I didn't notice you going in, plus you’re not wet.”

I blushed when he said that. I'm not wet. Damn you innuendoes!

“I'm getting one at home,” I told him quickly.

“Sweet. Don't let Coach know though. He has a weird policy of ‘Teams that shower together, win together’ or something like that,” Casper laughed.

“Really?” I smiled. “Sounds a little gay,” I blurted out without thinking.

“Maybe it is,” he whispered. “Maybe coach has a thing for naked hockey players,” he said even quieter before speaking up again, saying, “tell anyone I said that and you’re dead,” he winked.

I laughed as he walked off to dry himself off and get changed. Casper really isn't that bad after all. You know what? I think I understand why he’s so popular now. It’s not just due to his looks and sports abilities. He’s actually a nice guy too. I didn't see that one coming.

When I walked out of the changing rooms I was shocked to see Emma there waiting for me. God I love that girl. I feel bad now though. I probably should’ve hurried up a bit. I bet she’s bored stiff after waiting out here for so long.

“You didn't have to wait,” I told her as we walked back towards my house.

“I was going back to yours anyway so I thought it’d make sense if you were there too,” she told me.

“You’re always at mine,” I smiled.

“Do you mind?”

“Nope. You’re practically family now,” I told her truthfully. “Mum and dad treat you like you’re their daughter you know.”

“That’s nice,” she smiled, staring down at the floor.

To me this felt like it would be the perfect moment to ask her a bit about her family. I know things are a little bit weird but she’s never really told me about them. I don’t want to force her to tell me but it would be nice to know.

“What are your parents like?” I asked her.

She turned to face me and shrugged her shoulders.

“Like parents,” she shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain them really.”

“Do you like them?” She gave me another weird look. “I mean, you’re rarely at home and...Is there something wrong with your home?”

She laughed awkwardly when I asked her that.

“What?” I smirked.

“After all these years you’ve only just asked.”

When she put it like that I couldn’t help feeling like a bad friend. I didn't want to risk upsetting her. That’s why I don’t bring it up. Thinking about it though, they could’ve been hurting her for years and she’s just been waiting for me to ask so she can tell me, but I’ve never acted like I care around her.

Crap.

“I'm sorry,” I told her softly. “I thought it would make you upset or something if I asked. I didn't really think it through.”

“It’s not that bad,” she smiled. “Don't worry. Mum and dad are just going through a rough patch.”

“Like, arguing rough patch or, well, divorce rough patch?”

“Like multiple affairs rough patch,” she muttered. “They’re both doing it though,” she sighed. “As long as they’re happy. I mean, it’s not like parents are meant to care about the kid or anything.”

“Don't say that,” I sighed. “So that’s why you don’t like going home?”

“Partly. Mum’s generally at her boyfriend’s house now and dad’s generally with his girlfriend so I'm alone with Granddad at home,” she sighed. “I like him, but he doesn't really like me being in the way. He wouldn't say that, but he’d old, you know? And it’s hard for him to look after me and he likes being alone so I help him out with that as much as I can.”

“That’s messed up.”

“I know,” she sighed. “But I like being at your house so... All’s good most of the time.”

“If you say so,” I agreed.

I'm glad to hear that they don’t beat her up or something like that (that’s what I was expecting) but what she has told me isn't exactly good news, is it?

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. Josh called and he wanted to have a word with us at the weekend.”

“And you randomly remembered that now?” I smiled at her.

“Yup!”

When we got into my house I saw mum and dad rushing around packing things up.

What’s going on?

“Mark!” mum jumped as she noticed me. She quickly came over and gave me a tight hug before hugging Emma as well. “How was the game?” she asked, looking as though she had something else on her mind.

“Horrible. We lost.”

“Oh dear,” she frowned, sounding slightly out of breath.

“Mark almost scored though,” Emma told her.

“Well done dear!” she beamed. “Next time you’ll get it in!”

“Sure,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So...what’s going on?”

Dad came running down the stairs then with his suitcase.

What the hell?

“Oh...Right, honey, we need to tell you something,” mum sighed. “Come sit down.”

I followed her into the living room with Emma tagging along behind me. I was scared now. They’re packing up and have some announcement to make. This can’t be good. What if we’re moving? I won’t see Emma again! I won’t see Shim!

“I’ll keep packing,” dad said quietly before rushing out the room again.

Mum joined her hands together and looked at me with a soft but serious expression.

“Look baby, you know Nana Goodwin hasn’t been very well for a long time now.” As soon as she said that my eyes brimmed over with tears. She’s dead. Nan’s dead. I dug my finger nails into my palm as she carried on talking. “Well, her condition deteriorated dramatically earlier and...” mum took a deep breath and sighed. “She’s in a better place now,” she smiled softly.

I looked down into my knees and tried to hide away the tears but I just couldn’t. They came pouring out. Part of me wanted to scream but my throat had gone all tight now and I couldn’t even speak. Nan’s dead. She’s...

“She wasn't in pain when she passed and you have to remember how ill she was.”

I nodded at my mum’s words but I didn't really take them in.

When I was younger I spent every weekend there while mum and dad worked. We used to go into town every Saturday and she’d spend a ridiculous amount of money on sweets for me. Then on Sunday we’d go into the park and I’d sit on the swings screaming for her to push me higher and higher. We used to sleep in the garden in our tent during the summer. I was always scared of the monsters but Nan...Nan kept them away.

Nan taught me to ride a bike. She taught me to be the person I am today.

I don’t remember the last time I saw her though.

I didn't even say goodbye!

What if she died wishing I would’ve visited just once while she was ill? I should’ve made time in my busy schedule to go and see her. I'm a horrible grandson.

My nose was all runny and disgusting but I didn't care. I just want my Nan back.

“H-how’s dad?” I asked through my cries.

Nana Goodwin was is his mum. He’s bound to be upset right now...Maybe that’s why he’s keeping himself busy.

“Don't worry about Dad,” mum smiled, taking hold of my hand.

“What about Granddad?” I sniffed.

“Me and your dad are going to go down there for a few nights,” she told me calmly. “He needs some company and help now your nana’s gone,” mum explained to me.

I bit my lip when I thought of how hard it must be for him.

Why do people have to die?!

It’s not fair!

“You’re staying here though Mark,” mum told me.

“But I want to go!” I cried out.

“Mark,” she sighed. “You need to stay and focus on school, baby. I don’t think you’d want to be there.”

She thinks I can’t handle a bit of grief! I can though. I want to be there for Granddad too!

“Maybe Emma can stay here with you?” mum suggested.

I looked over to Emma for the first time since I found out about Nan. She looked upset but she wasn't crying or anything like that. I think she was more upset for me and the family because I know she never met my Nan.

“I’ll stay over,” she smiled, her voice sounding really shaky.

“T-thanks Emma.”

“We’ve got to go tonight and we’ll be back home on Monday. Are you going to manage?”

“I’ll...I’ll be fine.”

“Bags are packed,” dad said in a monotone voice as he walked into the room.

As soon as I saw him I got up and wrapped my arms around him. He was really tense, obviously trying to hold it all in, but after a few seconds he loosened up.

“You’d best be good while we’re gone,” he whispered to me. “Everything will be okay.”

I nodded into his shoulder and he held onto me tightly as I started sobbing all over again.

Rest in Peace Nana Goodwin.