Let's See What You're Not

Shim

I didn't sleep at all. It’s stupid really. Whenever I get angry, tiredness is always related in some way, but not this time. What Casper made me do is something I can’t let go of.

It’s happened before. I’ve been forced to do stuff like that for someone in the past and I don’t want it to ever happen again. I don’t want to be in a relationship after that. I don’t want to hold someone’s hand or kiss them or lie next to them or do anything sexual at all. Ever. The idea of all that makes my skin crawl. I don’t want someone’s grubby hands touching me. I don’t like people!

My lack of sleep was really bothering me in school. I fell asleep in at least two classes and walking from one room to the next was ridiculously hard today. I kept tripping over my feet and walking into things. Basically, I was acting like a drunk. Well, that’s what Mrs. Morgan called me up on anyway. I haven’t even got maths today but she still managed to find me and get me in trouble for stuff I haven’t even done.

“What have you been drinking?” she asked me sternly.

“Nothing,” I frowned.

She doesn't believe me. Who would?

“What have you taken?”

“Nothing,” I hissed. “I'm just tired.”

She shook her head at me.

“Go to bed earlier then.” I rolled my eyes. “What time did you go to bed last night?”

“I didn't,” I smirked at her.

“Maybe that’s why you’re tired then...”

I clapped my hands at her. Isn't my maths teacher intelligent?

“If you want to stay at this school you’ll need to start doing the work and stop pulling stupid stunts like this,” she shouted at me. “Everyone here is trying to make you work Shim but you just won’t do it!”

Woah! Woah! Woah! Since when did this become about me being too stupid to work? I thought it was about drugs or drink or sleep or something like that.

“What are you talking about?” I frowned.

“Do you really think you’ll be at this school much longer if you don’t get the grades?” she questioned me.

“What?”

“If you don’t do the work, you won’t do well and you’ll get kicked out Shim. We’re doing our best to help you.”

“Wait, what?” I frowned.

“Do the work or leave,” Miss shouted, getting frustrated with me.

“So you’re trying to tell me the work part of this year’s started already?” I asked her, doing my best to look as confused as possible.

“For goodness sake Shim!” she yelled, making me smirk. “You’re doing this on purpose. Well let me tell you, if you don’t do well now, you’re chances of a good job are almost impossible. If you keep treating you’re elders like this, then you’re really going to struggle to get anywhere with your life. Eventually sweetheart, your parents will get sick of your attitude and low work ethic as well, and do you know what will happen then? They’ll kick you out and you’ll be on the streets. Do you know who’ll help you then? No one.”

She was still shouting and seeing as we were in the middle of the corridor still, everyone nearby can hear this. That’s not the hard bit though. The hard part is that I know all of this is true and that she’s really really getting to me right now.

“You done ranting?” I muttered quietly, hiding how much she’d truly affected me.

“While you’re in school, there’re people here who care about you and want you to do well. When you leave or get kicked out, you’ll lose that Shim. Out in the real world, no one’s going to help you. If you don’t let us help you now then you’re really going to struggle sweetie,” she said in a softer, much calmer voice.

I have no idea how she’s done it, but I feel like I'm about to break now. I really need to sort my life out. I need help.

I averted my gaze to the floor to hide the fact that I was almost in tears.

It’s just because I'm tired though. If I slept last night then there’d be no chance of me nearly crying. I'm not the type that gets upset anymore. I'm strong.

Who am I kidding?

I'm an act. I'm fake. I'm not strong.

I started panting slightly as I tried to control my breathing.

No! I'm not crying in front of everyone! This isn't happening.

“Do you want to come into my classroom Shim?” Mrs. Morgan asked me quietly.

I nodded and followed her down the corridor and into the room. She shut the door behind us so I knew anything that happened in here would be private and no one else would know.

“I'm sorry I had to tell it to you like that, but it’s true hun,” she sighed. “You understand don’t you?”

“I'm not stupid,” I croaked even though I wanted to still seem tough in front of her.

“Do you want me to ask your teachers if they’ll help you catch up?” she asked me.

I wanted to say no so badly but I knew I couldn’t. I’ve got to do this.

I nodded, not feeling up to talking.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about? Anything?” she asked.

Why repeat the word anything? I know what it means...

“I...no.”

I wiped away the tear that just ran down my face. Why am I crying now? Nothing sad’s happened. This really doesn't make sense.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” I snapped, but my voice broke as I tried to speak.

She’s not going to look at me the same again. I won’t be able to act the same with her again. She’s seen me crying! She thinks I'm a mess!

“Maybe your parents can help you catching up as well.”

“They won’t,” I whispered. More like they can’t.

“I'm sure they will. I could call them in and have a work if you like.”

“You don’t have the number,” I muttered.

When I moved out they changed their mobile numbers and the house phone number. I tried calling a few times. The number wasn't recognized. They got rid of any chance I had at communicating with them!

I just...I just wanted to hear them speak... Even if it was just a hello before they realized it was me and hung up.

I covered my face up with my hands and my fringe because I was properly crying now. It wasn't the odd tear or sob. This time it was full on hysterics.

“Shim?” Miss asked, sounding panicked now. “What’s wrong?”

She obviously knew there was more to it than me actually having to work now. I don’t know what to say to her though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Why do I suddenly miss them? I thought was over all that.

“What’s the matter?”

“I’m fine,” I sniffed, taking a deep breath and attempting to calm myself down. “Just need more sleep,” I mumbled, grateful that I managed to stop myself crying then.

There was silence between us as I tried to compose myself.

“Are there problems at home?” she asked me.

“No.”

Her eyes washed over me as if she was trying to read me. Crazy woman.

“You’re all over the place,” she sighed. “I'm worried about you.”

“I'm fine,” I told her with a soft smile. “Really Miss, I'm okay now.” I rubbed my eyes a bit and acted as nice as I could to her. “Thanks for...this?” I said awkwardly.

“You’re welcome,” she whispered with concern laced across her face. “Just let me know when you want me to arrange those catch up sessions.”

“I will,” I smiled as I walked out the room.