Let's See What You're Not

Mark

I couldn’t bare going into school today. I was so worked up over my Nan’s death that I refused to even get out of bed. At first Emma tried to force me to get up, but she knew I’d stand my ground this time. I wasn't going in today and that was that. All I wanted to do was sit at home and mope around out of my own misery. What else could I do?

“What do you want for breakfast?” Emma asked me from the doorway.

“You don’t have to do that Em,” I sighed.

When I told her that, she walked over to my bed and sat down on it next to me. She didn't say anything to begin with, which was weird as Emma usually gets straight to the point. I understood why she was giving me time though. I'm grieving. That’s what this is, right?

“You hungry?” she asked.

In all honesty I wasn't. I had no urge to eat anything at all. I’d gladly starve myself right now.

“I'm fine,” I attempted to convince her. “I’ll make something when you’re at school.”

She laughed when I said that.

“No, you won’t,” she smirked. “I know you way better than that, plus, I'm not going to school if you’re not, so you’re going to be stuck with me all day.”

I rolled my eyes at her. It does mean a lot that she’s here looking out for me, but I really want to be alone for now. My mind is exploding with thoughts and I need a bit of time to make sense of it all and work out what I'm going to do. I need to get my head around all of this. She’s gone; she’s not coming back.

Deal with it.

“So... What do you want for breaky?” she asked again.

“Emma,” I moaned.

“I'm not letting you go hungry, Mark. I promised your mum and dad I’d look after you, and if that means making sure you’ll eat, then that’s what I’ll do. Got it?”

I nodded uninterestedly before rolling onto my side again and pulling to covers up over my head. Emma loves being in control, unlike me. I suppose one of us has got to do it though. If we were both afraid to take charge then we’d never get anything done.

A small smile crept onto my face when I felt weight leaving the bed and I heard my bedroom door shut. She’s left me. Finally, some alone time. Last night I was up all night; I couldn’t sleep. Every time I tried to I’d start thinking about Nana Goodwin and then I’d get all emotional and when I'm like that there’s no chance of me sleeping. If I was at school I’d probably end up dozing off in lessons. I've never done it before, but I don’t plan on starting now either.

About ten minutes later, Emma walked back into my room, carrying a tray of food for me. She’s such a good friend.

“I’ve got you eggs and toast and a cup of tea,” she smiled as she encouraged me to sit up so I could eat it without spilling it everywhere. I’ve never been a big fan of eggs but I'm not going to tell her that now. “I brought an apple too because... Well, they’re good for you, aren’t they?”

“Thanks Em,” I told her gratefully as I started eating. It looks like I was a lot hungrier than I thought because within minutes I’d swallowed it all down. “Aren’t you having any?” I asked her.

“I had some cereal while I waited for you to calm down,” she smiled, taking in a deep breath. “You are alright aren’t you?”

I stared down at my empty plate. Am I alright? My Nan’s just died and I feel seriously horrible about it. That’s how you’re meant to feel though. I'm not doing anything wrong. I’d feel even worse if I wasn't upset about it. How heartless can you be to not care about a relative’s death?

“I’ll be okay,” I smiled at her. “Nan probably doesn't hate me and she wouldn't want me all upset...I don’t think she would anyway...”

“Of course she wouldn't,” Em insisted. “She loved you. I bet she understood why you didn't visit as well. When my Granddad was ill I couldn’t go and see him,” she whispered. “I was scared of seeing him being ill. When he was at his worst, he didn't even look like Granddad anymore. I wanted to remember him for how he was when he was alive and not how low he got when he was dying.”

“Your Granddad died?” I asked, feeling like a rubbish friend again for not knowing that.

Emma’s such a great person, whereas I'm completely hopeless.

“No,” she smiled. “He pulled through, thank God. I don’t know what I’d do without him,” she told me, looking slightly teary eyed. “He’s basically raised me. Look, Marky... I don’t know what to say,” she admitted, crossing her legs and pulling them to her chest. “I didn't really know your Nan; all I know is how much you cared for her. I’ve never lost someone I’ve had that sort of relationship with... I have no idea what you’re going through.”

I don’t really know what I'm going through either. I don’t understand anything that I'm feeling. It’s so weird.

“You really don’t need to worry about it, Emma. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, concern coating her face. “You can talk to me about anything.”

“I'm fine Em. I just want some time to sort myself out, you know?”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “I totally get that.”

“Good,” I smirked, grateful that we were understanding each other. “Can we just not talk about it, please? I’d rather just pretend nothing’s happened for now.”

“Sure...”

We lay in my bed for a few hours and watched TV. There wasn’t anything good on, but it didn't matter. The rubbish programs are the best when you think about it. You have a hell load more fun mocking the bad ones than you do watching your favorite program, well, Emma and I do anyways.

I have to admit, after a while laughing at the idiots on Jerry Springer, it does get a little bit repetitive though.

“Want me get your laptop?” Emma asked, flicking off the TV.

“Why not?” I shrugged.

The first thing we went on was facebook. That site is dangerously addictive when you get into it. Sometimes I try to get off it as quick as possible though. It’s likely to be rather quiet right now though because most people are probably still getting home from school. Then again, people always have their phones on them, posting constant status updates no matter where they are.

My eyes widened as I read through the things on the news-feed. Seriously? Who starts rumors like that?

“Some people need to grow up,” Emma said, obviously noticing that I was taking offense to what they were saying.

“What’s the point?” I hissed. “Why does everyone in the school pick on him? He’s alright and he doesn't deserve all this.”

“I surprisingly agree with you,” Emma sighed. “No one with a brain will believe it though.”

The amount of likes and comments some of the posts were getting proved otherwise though. From what I could see the person who started it all off was Casper Campbell; the boy who was actually growing on me.

Shimon Moore = Homeless Skank was the first post about it. After that they carried on coming. His friends were making sure everyone would see it.

I saw Archer’s comment on it and decided that I hated him even more than I do already.

LOL knew that screb was some street scrounger! Bet that’s why he don’t wash! Rank.

“Ignore them,” Emma whispered to me.

“You can’t ignore them when they post it on the Internet for everyone to see,” I ranted. “Who do they think they are?”

“They’re not worth stressing over,” Emma tried to tell me but I wasn't listening.

“Should I tell him? I know he doesn't have facebook but maybe it’s best he knows what they’re saying.”

“I’m pretty sure he’ll find out eventually, if you tell him or not.”

That was true. Some cocky loud mouth will probably end up confronting him about it. He’d punch them if they did that, I'm sure of it.

“You really like him, don’t you?” Emma said in a soft voice.

I blushed at the slight change of subject. I do like him. I really like him.

“You have no idea how much,” I whispered.

“Tell him,” she smirked. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“He’d hate me,” I sighed. “I might tell him one day, but we’ve got to take it slow.”

“You’re too good for him,” she sighed. “I'm not insulting him though. I'm just saying that you consider how he feels and reacts to stuff a lot more than he does for you.”

“I don’t mind that. There’s something about him being an idiot that I really like... Does that make me weird?”

“You like how he bullies you?” she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Bullied. He doesn't now,” I told her confidentially. “And...Maybe I sorta did like the attention.”

“You like attention?!” she laughed teasingly.

“Only from him,” I blushed. “And you’re making me sound stupid. Stop it,” I pouted. “So, what about you? You know more than enough about my stupid crush situation, spill!”

“Seriously?” she laughed. “You know I'm not into anyone.”

“You’re lying,” I teased, poking her in the ribs.

She squirmed a little before pushing me away from her.

“I admit some guys at school are kinda attractive, but I'm seriously not interested in any of them.”

“Why?” I pressed.

“Because they’re all jerks,” she shrugged.

“Who’s the most attractive then?” I asked her.

“Shut up,” she grinned.

“You can’t not tell me!” I sniffed. “Go on. I tell you everything.”

She rolled her eyes before nodding at me.

“Mr. Telic’s a babe,” she winked.

I burst out laughing at that. She’s obviously not being serious. Our music teacher is a great guy and all that but he’s pretty ancient as well...unless she’s into the older guys. Oh my God. That’s like reverse statutory or something!

“Mr. TELIC?!” I laughed.

“Haven’t you seen the way he controls the orchestra? You have to admit it’s impressive.” For a second I actually took her seriously, but when she burst out laughing as well I knew she was still messing with me. “Your face!” she laughed.

I hate being so gullible.

When we eventually calmed down I decided to be annoying and bring it up again.

“So... who’d you like?” I asked casually.

She stared at me blankly.

“Fine,” she said smugly. “There’s a guy who’s sorta my type, but I’ve never spoke to him and his friends are assholes so I don’t want to actually be in a relationship with him, if you know what I mean,” Em explained to me.

“Blah blah blah,” I teased. “Who is it?”

“He’s on the hockey team,” she told me awkwardly.

“If you say Archer or Casper-”

“Kent,” she said quickly.

Kent? Well that’s alright then. Kent seems alright to me. He was one of the only guys who stood up for me in the changing room yesterday.

“Interesting,” I smirked.

“Don't say it like that,” she laughed. “Do you mind?”

“Of course not,” I smiled. “Kent seems nice.”

Until that night I was feeling fine, but as soon as it was time for bed I completely broke down. Emma was there looking out for me but I felt embarrassed for acting so upset in front of her. I'm the male one. I'm meant to be the strong one. I don’t want to fit the dumb stereotype that people label gay people under. I'm not weak. I'm girly or feminine. I just like guys.

“It’s alright,” Emma soothed me. “You’re going to be fine.”

All I could really do was nod and try to hold back some of my tears. It was hard though, really hard.

“How about tomorrow night we do something different?” Emma suggested, trying her best to take my mind off things.

“Like w-what?” I sniffed.

“We could camp out in the tent if you want. A new environment plus some sea air might do you good.”

I have no idea if what she’s saying is true, but if it means getting a good night sleep, I’m willing to try anything.