Let's See What You're Not

Shim

What just happened? Mark... Mark kissed me. Me! Of all people; why did he pick me? When he did it I didn't know how I was meant to react. What do you do when a guy kisses you? I’ve only had bad experiences with that sort of thing in the past. Normally, a kiss would lead to something else. I doubt that Mark wanted that though.

So what did he want? I don’t understand how kissing me would benefit him in any way. Why would he do it? This is so confusing.

I was about to walk out of the music rooms, but Mr. Telic caught me, stopping me in my tracks. I was ready to run away again and never look back. I feel like I shouldn’t be here right now. I’ve got a really uneasy feeling and I think it’s because of Mark. The kiss isn't the reason I want to leave though. I want to leave because I don’t want to see him right now. I completely rejected him back there and I'm scared to see how he reacted to it. If he’s upset, I’d feel so, so horrible.

There’s no chance I want to be here when he comes out of the other room. He’d kill me. He’d embarrass me. He’d make everything awkward.

This is Mark, though. He wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Mark said he cares about me... So why would he mess with me like that?

“Well?” I heard Mr. Telic ask me calmly.

I looked up at him awkwardly. I didn't hear him talking but he obviously said something to me.

“W-what?” I stuttered, nervously.

My mind is too preoccupied to worry about sounding weak.

“Are you practicing tonight?” he asked me.

I smiled a little at his question, thankful that he didn't ask ‘are you alright?’ or ‘what’s the matter?’ or ‘what’s it like being a hobo?’ I’ve got that a lot today; not that I’ve ever bothered responding to it.

“No,” I muttered. “I'm going home... I'm not feeling too good,” I lied, deciding that I had to leave right then.

“Shim,” he sighed as I tried to walk past him. “I know you’re not going home,” he told me. “Maybe some time with the guitar will do you good,” he suggested. “It could take your mind off things.”

It wasn't hard to see where Mr. Telic was coming from, but that didn't change the fact that I needed to leave. I can’t be in here anymore.

“I’ve really got to go,” I told him.

“Stay until the bell goes,” he told me in a firm voice. “Your friends will worry if you go now.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

“What friends?” I laughed.

“Emma?” he asked, making me raise an eyebrow. Me and Emma; friends? “Mark?”

I bit my lip at the mention of his name. Mark’s a friend. He means everything to me and I know I don’t want to lose him. I can’t face him either though... I just can’t do it.

“Like I said,” I muttered, “I don’t have friends.”

“You know that’s not true,” he told me calmly.

I want to say that he doesn't understand, but he does. He’s got it dead right. In a twisted sort of way; they are my friends.

“Yeah, well, whatever,” I whispered in defeat. “I really do need to go, though,” I told him awkwardly.

He nodded at me. No other teacher would let me leave school early without some sort of excuse. Mr. Telic understands me though. I hate to say it, but he really does know what’s going on in my head. It’s scary. No one can read me as well as he can.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Shim,” he called after me after I’d walked out.

I nodded my head but I knew he wouldn't notice.

It felt good to finally be outside. The fresh air was amazing and it calmed me down a fair bit as well. The whole Mark kissing me thing really scared me. I thought I was ready for something like that. I didn't think I’d be kissing anyone in the near future, but after the night I spent in the tent with him, I thought I’d be ready to move on and be with someone. I'm not ready though. I'm still... I'm still scared.

I let out a deep sigh and frowned when I remembered I’ve got nowhere to go. I can’t go to the pier. It’s right by Mark’s and he probably hates me now. Plus, I find it hard to believe that his parents are okay with me. They‘ll want me dead too. Wherever I go I'm a dead man... How sad is that?

The pier’s the only place I have though. Sure, I could always find somewhere new to go, but if I did that, things would go back to how they were when I first left home. I’d be scared stiff all day and all night. I have security on the pier. I’m genuinely safe there. No one goes to the end of the pier because they’re not idiots, and then there’s Frizz and Black Beard who’d protect me from anything. They say they’ve got my back, and although I find it hard to believe them, part of me does. That’s all that matters.

I don’t want to leave there, but I have a feeling I might have to.

The school are going to keep interfering. That means I’ll have to stop going there to stop them putting me into that shelter.

So much for an education...

School was my one shot and now I can’t go there. I can’t risk it.

My head stayed low as I made my way down the pier. I really didn't have anywhere else. This is it for me. I’ve lost Mark; I’ve lost school; I’ve lost everything that made me think I had a chance at moving on from this.

This will forever be my life now...

Then again, I could always bring forever closer to an end. The sooner this is over, the sooner I stop suffering and dealing with all this self pity and hatred. Maybe Mark will feel better if I'm gone.

I walked all the way to the end of the pier and stood right at the edge, looking down into the water below me.

What would drowning feel like? Feeling the waves consume you and take you under... Pulling you away and filling your lungs... Slowly taking every part of your life from you... Washing you away into the nothingness...

Is that what I want?

Yes-

“Shimon?!”

I jumped out of my skin and took a few paces back, getting away from the edge. I continued gazing into the water for a few seconds before looking at the man shouting me.

What does he want?

“I’ll stop bothering your son, don’t worry,” I told Mark’s dad bluntly.

“No,” he said sharply. “I'm not here about Mark; I'm here about you.”

What’s that meant to mean?

I glared at him as I waited for him to continue. Why didn't I just walk off?

“I thought I saw you out here,” he mumbled. “You know this part of the pier isn't safe, right? Those danger signs aren’t decorations.”

“What’s your point?” I asked him rudely.

If Mark hates me I don’t have to make his parents like me. Simple.

“The shelter is a lot safer.”

“Too bad I'm not interested,” I hissed at him. “Who do you think you are anyway? I'm happy here! Now you’ve butted in and ruined my life-“

“You’re over exaggerating...”

“No I'm not!” I insisted. “I won’t go to the shelter and now I can’t go back to school because they’ll make me go to it. No school means no education.”

He sighed at me.

“Try the shelter,” he begged. “Please. If you don’t like it after a few weeks, I’ll apologize for making you go.”

Making me go... What? He can’t make me go!

“What are you talking about?” I asked him, getting confused.

Just then I noticed some more people walking up the pier towards us.

No chance.

I'm not leaving.

The men were all dressed smartly and I knew they must be something to do with that posh guy who owns the shelter.

Why do they want me to go so much?

“I'm not going with them,” I said strongly as they got closer.

“You’ll thank me for this.”

I shook my head quickly and started stepping back towards the edge.

“Come back over here, Shim,” Mark’s dad said. He sounded worried but he didn't want to be. He wanted to be calm. He didn't want to care.

When I got there I nearly slipped but I quickly regained my balance.

“Shimon, this is serious! Come back over here now.”

“No,” I snapped at him. “Tell them,” I shouted, pointing out the men in suits, “that I’ll jump if they come anywhere near me.”

Mark’s dad shook his head.

“Just... Just step back,” he said weakly. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Stupid?!” I laughed. “Everything I do is stupid. Might as well end it that way too,” I muttered before closing my eyes and stepping over the edge.

***

I coughed and spluttered as a pair of strong arms pulled me up from under the water.

“What’s wrong with you?” he barked at me.

I didn't say anything. I zoned out completely, begging to be taken away from the situation. I can’t believe I did that. I actually jumped off the pier. The angry suit man is right... What is wrong with me?

He helped me all the way back to the shore before complaining about how his suit was ruined. He was one of the guys from the shelter and worked for Harrison Blake. He just saved my life, but I still hate him. I hate everyone. I hate everything.

Some of the other men came over to my side and started leading me to the car. I have a feeling they wouldn't be making such a fuss if Mark’s dad didn't get involved. If a rich guy didn't say I needed help, I’d just be like everyone else to them. I wouldn't matter. I should probably thank Mark’s dad for that, but I hate him too much to say anything at the moment.

His eyes locked with mine as I got in the car. He looked shocked. I bet he can’t believe I jumped. I'm struggling to deal with it myself.

“Shim,” Harrison Blake greeted me. “I'm glad you’re okay.”

Why’s he in the car? I feel bad enough as it is, I don’t want some posh guy talking to me as well. I nodded to him but I didn't have enough energy to speak. I'm completely wiped out.

“You’ll like it in the shelter. I think it’s about time you got some help.”

Help is the last thing that I want, but I know as a fact that I need it more than anything right now.