Let's See What You're Not

Shim

It hurt me to see them together. All day at school I had to put up with watching Casper pretending to be friends with Mark. I know Casper well enough to see through his stupid acting. He doesn't care about Mark. Why would he? Mark’s a nice guy. He’s not a threat to his pathetic existence in any way. He doesn't care about Mark; he’s just using him because he knows that he can. Mark doesn't even realise it.

I'm torturing myself by even coming here. I don't need or want to watch a stupid hockey game, but I need to make sure Mark’s alright. Casper’s a bastard and... Yeah. It’s all Casper. That’s why I need to be here; to protect him from Casper.

I frowned when I realised that me being here was nothing to do with Casper. I need to talk to him. I’ve got to sort this thing out with Mark. I need him.

“Shimon,” a voice came from behind me, making me flinch. “Sorry,” he whispered. “Do you want to watch with us?”

It was Mark’s dad. I didn't know what to say to him. Me and Mark haven’t fixed things yet so I probably shouldn’t be with his family. I barely even know his mum and his dad would kill me if it was legal (I can see it in his eyes). His mum probably would too from what I’ve heard about her. She knows how I used to treat Mark. I guess I’m still hurting him now really.

“Erm...”

“You won’t get a good view from over here,” Mark’s mum chirped in with a faint smile. She was right. I'm surprised they even saw me since I’m stood so far from the stands.

“Come on,” Mark’s dad insisted, gesturing for me to follow them.

I didn't know what to do. They were being too nice to me but they had no reason to act that way. I don't deserve it.

When we sat down in the stands there was an awkward silence that lasted a few minutes. The game itself hadn’t started, but I couldn’t help staring out onto the empty pitch. Mark will be there soon.

“How are things going?” Mark’s dad asked.

I just shrugged at him. There were too many different answers that I could give to that question and I'm not ready to discuss any of it with him. I can’t talk about the shelter or about life or whatever me and Mark are. It hurts.

Ken and Marie, Mark’s parents, ended up going into their own conversations as they waited for the match to start and once it did they were too distracted by it to acknowledge me anymore. I think I preferred having less attention on me. I was able to watch Mark without worrying about them analysing me for it. He was playing well. He looked at me a few times too, but I couldn’t tell if he was happy to see me or not. I assumed not.

The whole time I was sat there watching him, I began realising why I missed him so much. He’s such a nice guy. He was constantly checking on his teammates and always ready to pass to them. He’s not selfish, but I am. I'm selfish for wanting him in my life when he’s perfectly happy without me. I hate seeing him with Casper, but they keep smiling at each other. Mark was the first to congratulate Casper when he scored the opening goal. I’ve not seen him smile like that at someone before. He’s happy. They jumped into each other’s arms and I hated it. I couldn’t take it.

“Imma go,” I mumbled, knowing no one would really notice me.

I got up quickly to get away from the scene. I can’t see them.

“Shim!” Ken shouted, but I knew he wouldn't leave Mark’s game for the sake of checking up on me.

I wanted to run away from it all as soon as possible, but when I glanced back I caught Mark’s eye. He was watching me. He looked away again as soon as he knew I’d seen him, but there was something in the look that made me want to stay. With Mark, I feel like I’ve started to understand him, to understand what he’s thinking about. He wants to talk to me too. Even if it’s bad news, I think I want to hear it.

I waited for him outside the changing rooms, and thankfully he was the first out so I didn't need to see any of the other players. When I saw him I didn't know what to say. He looked worn out and fed up, even though they did win. His eyes made him seem almost scared.

“Hey,” I whispered when he stood directly in front of me.

“Hi,” he sighed back to me, kicking the ground with his foot.

I stared down at his feet as he shuffled from foot to foot awkwardly. Why are problems made so easily but so hard to fix? What do I even say to him?

“I'm just gonna say it then ‘cause I don't know how else to start this. So, look, um, I’m sorry if I overreacted when you...that,” I whispered, still staring at his feet as I cringed at myself. “I’ve just got... it’s my mind, you know? It’s not right at the moment. And I'm sorry I piss your dad off, and you too probably. I don't mean it, much. I like, I don't know how to do this,” I muttered, feeling the heat on my cheeks. “Just, I'm sorry for being... being an ass again. I like us, so, I don’t wanna wreck it.” I risked a look at his face but he wasn't looking at me either. He was staring off in the opposite direction. “Sorry to waste your time,” I muttered bitterly.

He looked at me then; his eyes red.

“You... I don't-”

“If you hate me just say it,” I said strongly, somehow holding my composure.

“What? No. Shim, why are you the one apologising? I kissed you! I pushed you too far and scared you away and I'm, well I'm the ass. I know what you’re like, so I shouldn’t touch you or...kiss you.” Mark was crying a little as he spoke to me, his words jumbling together and stabbing me in the heart. “I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but you stopped talking to me so I thought-”

“I'm sorry,” I told him again. “I... I know you like to, well, talk and shit. I should’ve with ya, but I’m not good at that. I'm sorry. Fuck, Mark. You do proper scare me at times and the kiss... I don't even know but-”

“This is so embarrassing.” Mark laughed awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

I smirked at him.

“I didn't want to ignore you,” I told him, locking our eyes together. “I’m just no good-”

“You’re perfect,” he said with a blush.

I bit my lip. Wow.

“I missed you.” I laughed, running a hand through my knotted hair to ease the tension.

Mark held his arms out and gave me a questioning look. I nodded instantly and his arms were wrapped around me. I nervously hugged him back.

“I needed that,” he whispered into my ear before we separated. He glanced around us and let out a sigh of relief when he was sure no one else was around yet. We weren’t seen; not that what we’re doing is that bad anyway.

“So, are we friends now?” I asked him unsurely.

“Why not?” He grinned.

“Good.” I smiled; feeling like everything was going to get better again. “And, well, your dad invited me to yours for Christmas day and I understand if you wouldn't want me there so-”

“Shut up,” he interrupted, gently punching my arm. “Christmas will be the perfect time to fatten you up so you’ve got to come.” He winked.

“Oh charming!” I said, folding my arms across my chest and pouting.

“My mum’s an amazing cook by the way, but the house might get crazy.” He started listing his crazy relatives and telling me stories about things that have gone wrong at their parties in the past. Apparently it’s usually due to alcohol.

I walked with him to his parent’s car as he talked about his family. It was sweet and I was happy to listen to him, but it made me think about how different things were in my own house. Why didn't my Uncle spend hours trying to catch a seagull when they lost the turkey? Why didn't my grandma read me stories about Santa before bed when I was younger?

“Are you two...?” Ken asked, vaguely gesturing between us as we stood by the car.

Mark’s parents were alright really. You get used to them.

“We sorted it out so we’re friends again.” Mark smiled. (It was better than the one he gave Casper during the game. I win!)

“Good,” Ken agreed. He looked at me with a stern expression which basically read ‘Don't hurt him’. I nodded, but couldn’t help thinking that he wouldn't give Emma that look.

We’re friends. I won’t hurt him. I’ll try not to.

“Goodwin!”

I glared at the ground at the sound of Casper’s voice. Him, on the other hand, I would gladly hurt.

“Hey, Cas,” Mark greeted him.

“S’up Moore?” He asked, briefly looking at me but knowing I wouldn't respond. “Just came to say well done again today. You were really great, Mark.”

“Good goal today, Casper,” Ken told him. “You two link up really well together.”

“Thanks, Mr. G. I think we have a natural chemistry between us, right?” Casper told him, putting his hand on Mark’s shoulder and giving him a squeeze.

I couldn’t help noticing the quick glance Casper gave me as he did it. What a bastard.

“I guess so.” Mark smiled as he looked up at Casper and didn't shake his hand away. “Thanks.”

“It’s good that Mark’s got a new friend,” his mum, Marie, added, leaning in to shake Casper’s hand. “We haven’t met properly, I’m Marie.”

“Nice to meet you,” he replied in an obnoxiously polite way. “Marky’s great.” He laughed, deciding to wrap his arm around him too, pulling him in close.

Mark didn't seem overly bothered by the contact, though.

“I was worried about him only having Emma, but it’s great he has you too now, Cas,” Marie continued, making me feel invisible.

I felt a bit awkward as the conversation flowed around me, but I decided not to say anything. If I insult Casper here Mark’s dad would probably get pissy with me.

“That’s really sweet. I promise to take good care of Mark then.” He laughed. “Hope to see you soon Mr. G, Marie.” He smiled and then turned to me. “Shimmy,” he mocked, ruffling up my hair.

I went to grab him but Ken pulled me back before I could. Perfect.

Casper walked away with a smirk on his face.

“He was being friendly,” Ken whispered to me and I pretended to believe him.

Mark gave me an apologetic look.

“He’s a good kid,” Marie said. “Casper Campbell, right?”

“Shim’s awesome too,” Mark told her.

I shook my head, knowing that very few people would accept that. He tried, though.

“I know he is,” Marie replied, shocking me a little. “Do you want a lift to the shelter?”

I wanted to say no, but in the end I wound up going with them. Mark practically begged me. If it wasn't for him I definitely wouldn't be there, though. The whole journey was full of them talking about Casper.

Mark and I were in the back of the car and he ignored most of their questions and pulled stupid faces at me instead. I wanted to pull some back but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn't feel comfortable with his family yet, so I struggled.

“What did you think of the match, Shim?” Marie asked.

“I don't like hockey,” I answered bluntly.

“He plays the guitar, though,” Mark added. “Even ask dad, he’s great at it!”

“Seriously?” I whispered to him, making him shrug. Mark was really trying to sell me to his parents.

“What about Casper? Does he do music?”

“Nope,” Mark replied, looking bored.

The next question was the one that caught me off guard.

“Does Casper know you’re gay then?” Marie asked with in a curious voice. I started coughing then. It was awkward. “He seemed, well, potential boyfriend material.” I saw her wink.

“Mum,” Mark hissed at her. “No and he really isn't,” he muttered, his face bright red.

When I stopped coughing I stared at him. Why didn't I know before? Of course he’s fucking gay. He kissed me and well, we hug a fair bit and blush at each other. Oh wow. Why have I never thought about it?

Mark’s gay. He crushes on guys and I'm a guy. Nick was a guy. He always told me I was allowed to be touched by him because he was straight so he loved me appropriately, like he loved Aunt Jenny. They told me that that was okay, but nothing else. No other guys. He said that faggots wouldn't love me right. He said they’d use me; hurt me. He said he never hurt me.

Mark wouldn’t. Nick’s wrong about fucking everything and I never trusted him but... He was nice to me at the start. He wanted to be friends. He’d take me to meet his family. Mark’s doing that. Nick did it all before Aunt Jenny got him to join in with our game, but I don't want to play anymore.

If Mark’s gay then why would he be attracted to me unless he wants to hurt me?

I don't understand.

It doesn't make sense.