Let's See What You're Not

Shim

Life sucks.

It sucks real bad right now.

As I was walking down the school corridor I could hear people whispering about me. They all know! I just know they do. The jocks wouldn't keep something like this a secret now that they’ve finally got something over me. They already know that beating me up doesn’t bother me, but now they’ve found something that will.

The odd people who looked me in the eye definitely wound up regretting it with the death glare I gave them. It’s not like I could’ve done anything more than that though. You can’t fight off the entire school.

Today’s going to be even worse. Not only is my life going to be hell if those jocks have told everyone, but I’ve also got PE today; a lesson that I don’t need and I'm completely unprepared for. I don’t even have a kit. When I left home I didn't bring the stupid thing with me and I can’t exactly just nip back there and get it.

I'll have to borrow the spare kit from the changing rooms. No one wants to use that. They’ve made it so bad to make sure people remember their kits, but I don’t have that option. I’m pretty sure some guy peed wearing it once and the thing never gets washed. I swear it’s worse than my clothes. And I think I stink at the moment. I smell like a field of roses compared to that thing though.

Fake a smile Shim. Try and look like you’re not watching your life fall apart.

It’s hard to do that with a time table like todays though. I had maths first thing again and unfortunately for me, Miss thought that Emma had been a good influence. What?

It was strange seeing Mrs. Morgan’s face when I walked into the classroom. She was shocked to see me there, not only on time, but early. I was the first person to arrive. It’s not like me to make a habit out of being early, but today I couldn’t face the corridors anymore. There was too much whispering going on and I hated it. I felt like I had to get out of there, you know?

“You’re...Early?” she asked, looking down at her watch and checking that she’d got it right.

“Shocker,” I said, raising my eyebrows a little.

That was when she started talking to me about how she thought I did better last lesson when I was arguing working with Emma. What I didn't understand was why she thought that. In the end I did do some work but I doubt I got any of that stuff right. I bet she just wants to annoy me. That’ll be it. Miss noticed that me and Emma don’t get on, so now she’s using her to punish me.

“How about you sit at Emma’s desk with her today?” she asked me quietly. I didn't answer her question, I just stared at her. “Shimon, I don’t want you sitting at the back on your own anymore, it’s either next to Emma, or at the front by me.” She sounded a lot more serious about what she was saying than she usually does. It was odd.

“I’m not moving,” I said firmly with a slight smirk on my lips.

She can’t physically force me to move because she’s my teacher, so unless she has some mind control powers, she can’t make sit anywhere.

“Shimon,” she frowned.

Mrs. Morgan really is a pushover. If she asks you to do something and you say no, she’d usually just accept it and move on. It’s great having someone like her as a teacher.

“I'm fine where I am,” I hissed as I went to the back and dumped my stuff down on the chair next to me in case she tried to get someone to sit there.

I leant back in my chair and glared at her. It’s obvious that she hates not being allowed to lay her hands on me. If I was her, I would’ve hit me at least once this term, most likely more. With certain people I find it real easy to get under their skin. It’s fun.

“Why is he so difficult?” I heard her mumble under her breath as she sat in her seat at the front of the room.

For some reason, that one little comment made me feel guilty.

I managed to snap out of that when the school bell rang though, signaling for everyone to start making their way to first lesson. I'm already here though, so it looks like I can get away with doing nothing while I wait for everyone else to show up.

As people started strolling in I zoned out a little and an image I didn't think I’d ever see again appeared in my head. It was me sat down on my auntie’s knee as a kid. My mum took a picture of us that day just before she left me there and went off to work. I didn't understand back then... I didn't know it was wrong...

“Hey,” a cheerful voice broke me from my thoughts. I jumped a little as I turned to see Emma sitting down in the chair next to me.

What does she want?

“My bag was sitting there,” I hissed at her.

“And Miss told me to move it and sit with you,” she smiled forcefully.

Is this her way of trying to be nice to me?

I did my best to ignore her for the lesson but it was pretty hard to do. She was really quick at completing the work, which I didn't even start, and as soon as she was done she kept trying to make conversation. This girl really doesn’t understand that I don’t talk to people. I just don’t.

“I accept your apology from yesterday,” she told me in a hushed voice.

I rolled my eyes and tried to hide how embarrassed I felt. I made a fool out of myself yesterday and then I fell asleep in the music rooms. Nice one Shim.

“Do you need a hand with the work?” she asked.

“Do it for me if you like,” I mumbled as I turned away from her and stared out of the window.

She went silent for a bit then and I was starting to think she’d gotten the message and given up, she hadn’t though. Emma’s really not the sort of person who gives up.

“Look, you do number one, and I’ll do the rest, deal?”

I'm not doing number one because I can’t do number one. I'm not doing any of it! Why won’t she just piss off and leave me alone?

“I’m not doing it,” I whispered a little.

It wasn't that I wanted to talk to her; I just wanted her off my case.

“Fair enough,” she muttered in defeat.

There was still a good twenty minutes left of the lesson but it was normal for maths to go so slowly, it’s maths. It’d be weird if it didn't drag on and on and on and on and... You get the picture.

I picked up my bag from the floor and started looking for something to keep me occupied for the rest of the lesson. I felt really uncomfortable routing through my things because I could tell Emma was watching me, but it was either finding something for me to do, or having to sit here doing nothing like I’ve been doing for the last forty minutes.

I spotted my notebook and carefully pulled it out before dropping my bag back down onto the floor.

It looked tatty and old thanks to the way a lot of the pages were sticking out and because of all the extra things I’d stuck in there so I could save a couple of my brighter memories. Everything that means anything to me is in there. I need that book.

I tilted my body so my back was facing Emma in attempt to make it harder for her to see what I was doing.

There's a time when we try, to begin what is ending
If at first you don't succeed, then we just end up pretending
If the dream isn't real, is the lie worth defending?
Close your eyes, cover your ears
Shut your mouth

When I'm writing my mind just wonders. It was like I couldn’t help but start to think about my auntie again. Maybe I did understand what was going on after all... I can’t help but think that my parents might be right. It could’ve been my fault. What if it was me that wanted it? Thinking about that made me add another line to my verse; one that I’ll never know how to take properly.

You can act naive, but I know you're not stupid

“Are you...writing?” Emma asked as she peeped over my shoulder. She sounded surprised but at the same time curious. She was being nosy. That’s what it is. “Can I have a look?”

“No,” I told her firmly before pushing my notebook shut.

“I didn't know you wrote,” she whispered.

How stupid does she think I am?

“I'm not illiterate Emma,” I snapped at her, louder than I wanted to.

A few people turned around to see what was going on and Miss had one of her signature frowns across her face.

“Should we take this outside?” Mrs. Morgan asked, most likely noticing how angry I looked.

I have a short tempter. So what? Everyone has stupid flaws. She’s just picking me out for mine.

“Gladly,” I hissed, jumping up onto my feet and walking out into the corridor.

Miss and Emma hesitantly followed after me.

“Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Miss asked calmly. She looked at me for the answer but I knew she wouldn't take anything I said too seriously.

“She!” I shouted, running my hand through my shaggy hair. “She...She...” I couldn’t get my words out. I don’t even know why. Stupid anger.

Right then I completely lost it and punched the closest wall out of rage.

I'm sick of this. Sick, sick, sick of it!

When I turned back to look at Miss and Emma they both seemed scared. They were scared of me.

“I’m... I’m sorry,” Emma whispered quietly. “I honestly didn't mean it that way,” she told me shyly.

I let out a deep breath and tried to steady my breathing.

“Yeah...” I sighed. “I'm um...sorry too,” I breathed out carefully.

I can’t believe I got like that... They were scared of me. I was scared of me.