The Trouble of Taboo

We were in the queue for getting tickets, “I can pay for my own ticket really.” I told Neil, smiling slightly, he always had to be the gentleman.
“Don’t be silly. It’s my treat. I like treating you.” He told me and I smiled at him. I wanted to kiss him but it was too risky out in public, as it was it was obvious he was older than me, and people were giving us weird looks. I looked to the floor, wishing we didn’t live in a world where every man with a young girl was seen as a paedophile, it wasn’t fair on Neil, the looks he was getting. I looked around trying to find something to distract myself from my thoughts, cause to other people that’s what he was, except I’m 16! Stupid small minded people.
“Paige!” I was blown out of my thoughts when I saw Ali coming towards me. I pushed Neil in front of some people, giving them apologetic looks, and rushed back to where I was in the line and put on a fake smile.
“Hay Ali, What are you doing here?” I asked her, trying to make myself seem normal, and not looking towards where I had just pushed Neil, hopefully he’d figure out what I was doing, after all I was trying to save his job.
“I’m with my mum, she’s treating me to the new Twilight movie.” I smiled at her, glad she seemed to be getting on better with her parents.
“That’s great.” I told her, hugging her quickly.
“Do you want to come sit with us?” She asked me and I went through as many excuses in my head as possible.
“Um... I can’t. I’m with an old friend, and they want to go see something different. But we should definitely hang out some time. I missed you at school yesterday. Are you feeling better?” I asked her, suddenly realising she didn’t look ill at all, and when I mentioned it her eyes suddenly found the floor very interesting.
“Oh okay then. Yeah I am thanks, was just a silly little bug thing I think. Sorry to leave you by yourself, did you get any grief?” She asked me, and to my trained eye I could see she was lying about being ill. I sighed, did I tell her what happened outside Neil’s classroom, the class would probably be buzzing about it on Monday.
“Oh a little thing with the usual suspects, but other than that no.” I told her the half truth; she didn’t need to know the rest. I smiled at her as I heard her mother calling. “it’s okay go. We’ll catch up on Monday.” I told her, she hugged me and ran off again, her mum smiling at her as they met up again and I sighed, some people had all the luck in the world.
“Do you just want to go?” I heard Neil come up behind me, making me jump a little. I turned around to him, but found I was constantly looking around me to see if anyone else we knew were around. I stopped when he put his hand under my chin to make me look at him. I smiled but pulled his hand away, it looked too obvious.
“Not if you don’t want to. Has kinda ruined the whole date thing though.” I told him, looking at the floor.
“Date huh?” He asked me and I looked up at him, my face blank, I hadn’t meant to say that.
“I... um... urr.. not what I...” I tried to stutter something out but he just laughed.
“It’s okay, really. I like the idea of that. How about we go get some food instead? I’m guessing Ali’s going into Twilight, and everything else seems a bit babyish.” He said and I smiled up at him, my face feeling red hot. I nodded to him and we left, our hands not quite touching as we walked side by side. Would this be how it was going to be forever? Not being able to be together in public? I didn’t want him to lose his job, but I also wanted to shout from the rooftops that I loved him. “Why do you do that?” I heard Neil ask me and I looked up at him, he nodded towards my arms which were now wrapped tightly around me, I hadn’t even realised I’d done it, I chewed on my lip trying to think of an answer. “It’s like you’re encasing yourself off from everything.” He told me and I smiled a little bit, how did he know me so well. I looked up at him and sighed.
“That is what I’m doing. It’s part of my armour, to stop people getting close to me. It’s how I stop myself from other people hurting me.” I told him, smiling wryly, it sounded so stupid out loud, but it really did make me feel better. Neil put his arm around me and I jumped away looking around to make sure no one had seen us.
“Relax Paige. Okay? If you act like you’re doing something wrong people will notice you. If you act natural they’ll just think you’re a young looking adult or I just look old, so please stop acting so scared all the time.” He said, his voice losing that normal gentleness he had with me. I looked at him.
“I just know how much you could lose, if someone we knew saw us together.” I half whispered looking at the floor, my hair in front of my face so he couldn’t see the tears that were starting to roll down my cheeks. I heard him sigh as he encased his arms around me, I cried into him. All the stress from seeing my father earlier, and now all this secrecy and Ali almost seeing us had just gotten too much for me, all I wanted right now was my blade, it would make everything go away.
“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just as jumpy as you are. I saw the looks in the cinema and it got to me. It just hurt that you moved away from me so quickly. I don’t want us to always be on tenterhooks wondering if someone’s looking at us weird or recognises us.” I heard him mumble into my hair, before he kissed the top of my head. I smiled slightly as tingles ran from that spot all the way through my body straight through to my feet. I pulled away slowly so I could wipe away my tears without him seeing and looked up at him.
“I’m sorry too.” I told him, meaning so much more than for just jumping away from him. He looked at me, like probably looked deep into my eyes and then something seemed to click within his head.
“You wanted to cut didn’t you? Just then, when I...” He trailed off, his hand running through his hair. I pulled his hand away from his hair and held it in my hand.
“It’s going to take me a little while. I’ve got an addictive personality, and that it very addictive, especially with how amazing it makes me feel. It takes away all my pain and anguish and worries, it solves everything.” I told him, looking into his eyes the whole time, willing him to understand.
“It doesn’t though Paige. It makes everything worse. The rush you get is from the endorphins that your brain releases because you’ve hurt yourself. It’s you brains way of dealing with the cutting, not of dealing with the root problems.” He told me, kissing the back of my hand as he held it in his close to his chest. I smiled a little bit “What?” He asked me, confused.
“You sounded all sciencey and teacher-like.” I told him, laughing a little bit as he smiled. “it was kinda hot.” I told him, blushing, but never looking away from his eyes, those eyes that showed such pain and care for me.
“Well, it’s really cute when you blush.” He told me, pulling me to him, lifting my face and kissing me gently. It felt as if all the love in the world was in that one kiss, it felt amazing, possibly even more amazing then last night when we were so close.... possibly, but possibly not. I smiled to myself and he kissed me more before pulling away and looking into my eyes, his all sincere and sombre. “What would you do if you wanted to cut and I wasn’t there?” He asked me and I shuddered at the thought of him not being there.
“Why wouldn’t you be there? I’m staying at yours, so you’ll be there. You’re there at school, why wouldn’t you be there?” I asked him, my breathing getting faster and faster. I didn’t want him to not be around, it sounded selfish but I needed him around.
“Shh.” Neil soothed me, rubbing my back and hugging me. “I’m not saying I’m going anywhere, I just said what if.” He told me and I calmed down a little, it was okay, he wasn’t leaving me. I looked up at him and he gently stroked my cheek, I smiled a little.
“I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t there.” I told him, but in my head I was screaming that I’d cut, I knew I would, if he wasn’t around I’d cut, if he left me I’d kill myself. He was the only good part of my life. I couldn’t lose him. Life wasn’t even worth thinking about without him around.
“okay then.” He said kissing me quickly again. “how about we go and get some food, yeah?” He suggested and I nodded. We turned to finish walking back to his car, but this time I held his hand, I didn’t care right now, I needed him to know I was happy with him and not worrying, and at the same time I needed to reassure myself that he was happy with me and wouldn’t leave me. He looked at our hands and smiled, pulling me to him and putting his arm around me, kissing the top of my head. “I’m not going to leave you Paige.” He whispered so lightly I wasn’t sure he actually said it, but it made me happier.
“So where do you want to go for food?” I asked him, happy at the prospect of going for food with Neil. He looked at me and smiled.
“Oh I know a little place, that you’ll like.” He told me and kissed me again before he pulled away to unlock his car and open the door for me. I kissed him gently before getting in and smiling as he walked round the car to the driver’s side, I was so lucky to have found him, he’s still my hero and always will be.