The Trouble of Taboo

I sat there in Neil’s lesson, not really listening to what he was saying. I was looking around trying to see if anyone was acting differently, but no one was. I couldn’t even be sure it was from someone in this class, it could be anyone, and it was driving my nerves up the wall. I tried to listen to what Neil was saying about plants growing but not even the sound of his voice could help calm me down, I needed his arms wrapped around me, but that couldn’t happen for another few hours. I couldn’t understand how someone could know, we’d be extra careful since that day at the movies, we didn’t even go home from school together, and we only came to school together because we got there earlier than most other people so Neil could set up. No one could know we lived together, and to think of it the letter hadn’t mentioned that, just that we were doing something, so maybe it’s not so bad. I sighed rubbing my face trying to get the tension out of it.
“Are you okay Paige?” I heard Ali ask me and I put a rehearsed smile on my face and looked to her.
“Yeah. Fine, just a slight headache. Probably thinking too hard or something.” I told her smiling and she smiled satisfied and turned around to focus on what Neil was saying again. I looked up at him, walking around the front of the class as he spoke,
“So really flowers are no different to students. Flowers need warmth, liquid and light to survive, students need their bed, alcohol and lighters to survive.” The class laughed and I was amazed at how well he was covering up what he was feeling, he was like me in that way, and I had smiled along with the rest of the class at his joke, except I was looking into his eyes seeing the glint of humour in them or watching his body as he moved around and smiling at how good he always looked. “Okay class, turn to page 45 in your books and answer the questions on flowers.” He told us, smiling slightly as he caught my eye. I turned round to my desk and opened my book.
“So Paige. Did you ever act on your feelings for teach?” Ali asked me out of the blue and I looked at her stunned for a minute.
“No. Of course not.” I told her, keeping my voice relaxed and not putting too much emphasis into what I was saying. “Why do you ask?” I asked her, my brain whirling around trying to figure out her angle.
“I don’t know. You’ve seemed different these past few months. More like your old self but happier as well. Like maybe you had a boyfriend or something.” She told me, her eyes staring me down, it was her interrogation technique and if it was anyone else it would probably work, but I knew her tactics and how to get around them.
“Well no, that’s not why. In fact I got over that, I realised how silly it was which is why I’m like my old self. As for the happier thing it’s probably because I’m sleeping better and my home life has improved.” I told her, keeping the details just telling enough that I wasn’t really lying and so she wouldn’t be able to tell. She kept looking at me, a confused look on her face, but she quickly hid it and smiled.
“That’s good then. I’m glad.” She said, and turned back to her work, but I couldn’t help but sense that she wasn’t glad at all. I guess she hoped she would always be the confident happy one and I’d just be the miserable one that was there to make her feel better. It’s a shame when someone is so bent on being happy that they wish other people weren’t so that they could seem happier. I shook my head a little bit and focused on my work, making sure I didn’t look up at Neil unless it was required.
Eventually the last bell rang, and I practically ran out of English. I just wanted to get home and see Neil. “Hay Paige, wait up!” I heard Ali shout and I was tempted to pretend I hadn't heard her, but I couldn’t be that intentionally mean and selfish. I slowed down and waited for her to catch up. “You want to grab a coffee with me?” She asked and I sensed from her tone that she was testing me.
“No sorry. I can’t I need to get home. Lots of homework to do and then my father and I are going to have a father daughter night.” I told her, keeping the shudder I felt rising up suppressed. “How about tomorrow though?” I asked her and her face had an almost evil twinge about it until she quickly covered up with what I knew was her fake smile and nodded.
“Yeah that sounds great. Have a good night.” She told me and walked away a bit, but I noticed she was keeping an eye on me. I sighed and started walking home, but not in the direction to Neil’s house, instead towards mine. I had a feeling Ali was going to follow me, she didn’t believe me, and after a few minutes I was proved right as she followed me, going away from her house. I walked at my normal pace, pretending not to see her, and praying to anyone who was listening that my father wasn’t in right now.
I reached the driveway and silently sighed in relief as it was empty. I walked into the house through the side door, and then went up to a window my father had installed by the front door. It was one way, my father liked to look at who was at the door without them seeing him looking, probably in case it was some dodgy guy or the cops. My father was a paranoid man, but right now that paranoia came in handy. I watched as Ali stopped outside my drive, I could see a bewildered look on her face and smiled to myself slightly as she just stood there, trying to figure something out.
I walked to the very back door, and quietly slipped out of it. Not many people knew there was a hidden gate at the end of our garden, including Ali. So I quickly slipped out, walked through the garden, careful not to make a sound and slipped out the gate. I walked out and looped to the right, knowing Ali lived to the left side of my house. I managed to get to the cinema and then called Neil.
“Hello Neil here.” He said and I smiled at the sound of his voice.
“Hay, handsome.” I replied and I felt him sigh in relief.
“Paige. Where are you I’ve been worried.” He told me and I inwardly sighed, I should have text him letting him know what was going on.
“Sorry. I should have text you. Ali decided she was going to follow me home, so I had to go to my father’s house and slip out the back way. Will you come get me from the cinema please?” I asked him, slightly anxious; as I knew Neil hated everything about my father, and didn’t like me even walking past the house.
“Yeah. I’m coming.” He said and hung up before I could say thank you. I closed my phone and sighed slightly. I knew Neil was just worried about me, but really I was capable of looking after myself, plus I had done this so we wouldn’t get found out and so he wouldn’t lose his job.
He pulled up beside me ten minutes later, and I got into the car, knowing straight away from his face that he wasn’t pleased. I sighed, and somewhere in my head I realised I’d started sighing a lot since I had met Neil. I pushed the thought aside and turned to face him, my hand touching his face gently. “I know you don’t like me going there, but I was covering our asses, okay? My father wasn’t even there, it’s okay really handsome.” I told him and he smiled a little, he loved it when I called him handsome. He nodded and kissed my hand, turned back to the steering wheel and started driving.