The Trouble of Taboo

I was sat in English, trying to concentrate I really was, I could hear the teacher and what she was saying but it just didn’t go into my head.

“Paige!” My head snapped up, as I recognised my English teacher saying me name.

“Yes, Miss Tiger?” I asked her, I could hear my classmates sniggering around me, as I racked my brain trying to figure out what I’d missed.

“I asked you a question!” Miss Tiger looked at me pointedly, her look slightly disappointed, which was understandable I was normally the one person she could count on to pay attention and answer her. I looked at her, trying to gauge what the question could be. She sighed. “Can anyone else tell me how Shakespeare creates atmospheres in a Midsummer Night’s Dream?” She turned away from me and I sighed, even now I didn’t think I could answer the question, and I’d read Midsummer twenty times over the summer.

The bell went and I gathered my things, trying to figure out what I was going to do for an hour and a half without Ali here. “Paige, can I talk to you please?” Miss Tiger said just as I headed for the door. I turned around and smiled slightly at her.

“I’m really sorry about today in class; my mind was just... elsewhere.” I told her; even to me my voice fell flat at the end.

“It’s not just today though is it? This year you’ve not been as attentive to your studies and your grades are slipping.” She told me, I looked at her confused, I didn’t know anything about this. She handed me a piece of paper, which I soon recognised as my essay from last week, with a C+ at the top, my mouth dropped open, I’d always been an A grade student, but then as I read through the first few paragraphs, even I noticed it wasn’t up to my normal standard.

“I’m really sorry Miss Tiger. I’m going to work harder and keep my mind focused from now on I promise.” I told her, hoping I’d be able to keep that promise as she looked at me for a minute.

“Is something bothering you Paige? Has something changed at home? Or here?” She asked me, I tried to not react when she asked about my school life changing and hoped she didn’t see the terror in my eyes that she’d find out what was going on.

“Umm, no. Of course not Miss Tiger. I’ve just been having trouble sleeping... from all the stress of GCSE’s next year.” I bluffed my way through and she seemed to buy it, she nodded at me and gestured that I could leave now. I left with my head in a mess; I was screwing up my education because of a guy! Okay a really hot guy but that still wasn’t like me. I needed to focus more on my work and less on Neil.

I was wondering the corridors not really heading anywhere, just letting my feet decide. My head was so full of questions about how I was going to not get distracted by Neil anymore and how I was going to be able to hide what was going on inside of me more, when I walked straight into someone, I seemed to be doing that a lot of late. I looked up and saw Neil, I smiled at him, still in a daze and he smiled back. “Are you okay Paige?” He asked me; his voice pulled me out of my daze and back down to reality with a bang. I shook my head knowing my voice was going to be useless until my heartbeat slowed. Neil looked at me concerned, “What’s wrong?” He asked me but I just shook my head again, except now my head seemed to be spinning, no the room was spinning. I tried to open my mouth to speak but nothing would come out and then everything went black...

I woke up with a start, sitting up straight away, but my head started pounding. I put my hand to the back of my head and rubbed it a bit in hopes the pounding would go away, but I then realised that something was very wrong. I could feel my hair on my arm, which meant I didn’t have something covering it. I pulled my hand back and put my arms out in front of me. Where was my hoody? Why were my cuts and bandage on show? I looked around the room scared. It took me a minute to realise that I was in the sick room. What had happened? Why was I here? I saw my hoody on the chair opposite and grabbed it, putting it on and zipping it all the way up. I suddenly felt very exposed. My arms, my wrists were never on show! I sighed feeling better and was about to move to get my bag when the door opened. I slowly turned around and saw Neil standing there. “Umm, how did I get here? What happened?” I asked him confused, not only by being here but by the look on his face, he wasn’t smiling and he looked truly sad, all I wanted was to go and hug him, but I knew it wasn’t a safe place to do that.

“You collapsed. I carried you here.” Neil said simply, his voice full of the sadness that was on his face. I nodded.

“Are you okay?” I asked him quietly, my voice was full of concern for him. He looked at me, his eyes full of sadness as he sat on the bed and gestured for me to do the same. I sat hesitantly, knowing whatever he was about to say couldn’t be good.

“No, I am not okay.” Neil started. I moved my hand to his discreetly so that anyone walking by wouldn’t notice, he looked at my hand and sighed so I went to move it away, but he grabbed it before I could. I looked at him weird, what was he doing? He could be seen, but then he turned my hand over and alarm bells started going off in my head, I tried to pull my hand back, but he had a tight grip on it. Using his other hand, he started to pull my sleeve up.

“No!” I half yelled at him, he looked around and kicked the door shut with his foot, and even though I was panicking I couldn’t help but notice what long, lean legs he had, but then he started pulling my sleeve up again, my sleeve that was covering my shameful secret. “Please don’t, Mr P.” I begged him, tears rolling down my face. “Please?” I could feel him looking at me. I just looked at the floor. My free arm snaked around my waist, keeping me together. I tried harder and harder not to cry, but the more he looked at me the more tears leaked out of my eyes. If I wasn’t so upset, I would have marvelled at the fact that I was crying in front of someone. It had been so long since I’d ever let anyone see me with my barriers down; it just wasn’t something I did. After all, crying was a sign of weakness and why would I show someone a weakness.

“Paige.” Neil said my name, and my hands stopped shaking a bit, his voice had trembled slightly, almost like he was on the verge of tears himself, but that was a silly thought, why would he be crying? It was my world that was about to get turned upside down. I peeked up at him through my hair. He was looking straight at me, not at my wrist anymore. He reached out with his other hand and moved my hair out of the way. “Why Paige?” He asked me, and I felt my heart break with the amount of disappointment and sadness in his voice.

“It’s just something I do.” I whispered to him, but then my defences kicked in, I tore my arms from his grasp and looked at him, my eyes cold as ice. “I bet you’re glad you have a fiancé now. There’s your escape from this messed up little girl.” I said to him, my voice cold and harsh. I saw his face turn to confusion and then shock, but I couldn’t be in this room any longer. I grabbed my bag and headed to the door.

“That is not true, Paige.” I heard him sigh, and I almost stopped and turned around to look at him but instead I just continued towards the door.

“Yeah whatever, Mr Pearls.” I said finally as I walked out. I wiped the remaining tears away from my face and walked as calmly as I could to the toilets. I locked myself in the last cubicle and then let everything go. I cried and cried as I panicked. What was I going to do? Someone knew about my problem! A TEACHER knew about my problem! He was surely going to tell someone higher up. Then they’d poke around in my life. My father will be so damn angry at me. I gasped as I tried to get my breath but I just couldn’t. The more I tried to stop crying; the more the tears would come and the more bad thoughts flew into my head. I reached into my front pocket. I pulled up my sleeve and slashed my wrists over and over until the tears stopped and I could breathe again. I slid against the wall and sat on the floor; my wrist bleeding next to me creating a small puddle of blood. How could this be considered a bad thing? If I hadn't cut I’d have passed out and maybe hit my head on the toilet and died. Cutting isn’t a bad thing; it is my thing and it helps me cope!

I just sat there for some amount of time, feeling the blood ebbing out of my wrist and with it went all of my pain and anguish; it fled my body until I felt I could act normally again, at least until I got home and could be by myself. I looked towards my wrist and saw that it had started to clot. I grabbed a bit of tissue and wiped up the blood on the floor and then grabbed some of the hand sanitiser I carried around with me, put some on some tissue and wiped my wrist until it was feeling much better and looked less like a blood frenzy and more like a few cuts. I wrapped my wrist up in some tissue, flushed the toilet, washed my hands and walked out of the toilets.

To my surprise it was just the end of lunch, so I didn’t have to walk into a lesson late and have to think of an excuse. It was then that I realised that I had Science next with Neil. I walked slowly towards his room. With every step my heart was beating harder and harder as I walked to what I was sure was the doom of my perfect image at school.