The Trouble of Taboo

We pulled up to Neil’s house, and I saw it was a nice modern semi-detached, normal house; it was the kind of house I’d always wanted. Being brought up in a big empty house, which didn’t feel like a home kind of put me off wanting to grow up, be rich and have a big house. I turned to look at Neil, slightly apprehensive that I was about to go into my teacher’s house, but he’d already gotten out of the car. I sighed and undid my seatbelt. I was about to reach for the door release when it opened. I saw Neil stood there smiling.

“Here let me help you.” He said helping me stand up. I was glad he was there; my legs still felt like jelly and I didn’t think I’d have been able to stand up without his support. I smiled up at him and saw his gaze wander down a bit and then look away from me. I looked down and saw his jacket had fallen open. It was then that I’d remembered when I’d left, I’d just been in my bra. My face went bright red as I thought of people driving past me and of Neil seeing me like that. I sighed and gathered his jacket around me. “My apologies.” He said but I just shook my head. It wasn’t like it was his fault, he was a man after all. Hell if he’d been topless, I’d have been gawking, he did pretty well to just glance really.

We got inside his house and he set me down on the couch in his living room. It was a nice functional room: two sofas, a tv, a big table in the middle and a bookcase that took up one whole wall. I smiled a little bit, it was obviously his house, in his taste, simple but effective. I relaxed a little bit into the seat and sighed, still worrying about being there. I saw a picture of him and what I guessed was his fiancé on the wall above the TV and instantly wanted to leave. I shouldn’t have called him; I could only imagine what kind of shit I’d get him in, especially if the school found out.

I was just standing up, getting ready to sneak out and go find somewhere else to hide for a bit, when I heard him coming back. “Where are you going?” He asked me, I turned around a “busted” look about me.

“I was, umm going to... leave” I whispered the last part and he just looked at me. “What’s that?” I noticed he had a piece of grey material in his hand and I hoped to distract him. He looked down at his hand, having seemed to have forgotten he had anything.

“I thought you may be in need of a shirt. It is one of mine.” He told me walking towards me, and handing it to me, I smiled slightly, at least it wasn’t one of his fiancé’s that would have been weird. I took it from him and looked up at him but saw he still had his serious face on. “Why would you leave? Do you have anywhere else to be safe at?” He asked me, a little bit of sadness seeping into his voice. I looked at him, not knowing how to answer.

“I guess, I didn’t umm, I don’t want to get you in any trouble. I could go back home.” I said, my voice shaking slightly at seeing my father again and going back home to that room, the room that he’d violated. Neil tilted my face to look at him.

“I am certainly not allowing you to reside back there.” He told me sternly, I was about to protest but he put a finger over my lips. “No! I am not letting you!” He paused, “It is not safe for you there.” He said a little bit more gently. I looked at him silently. “I will give you some space so that you may change into the shirt. I will make us some tea. Do not go anywhere, okay?” He asked me, his voice sounding concerned at the thought of me leaving, I nodded. “Promise me that you will not try and leave?” He said, using his sexy stern teacher voice, I smiled to myself and nodded. He looked at me for a bit longer, to see if I could be trusted, nodded and then walked into what I assumed was the kitchen.

I pulled his jacket off and shivered from the cold. I looked at my stomach to see how the injuries from my father kicking me the last time he needed control were getting on and was pleased to see that they’d pretty much gone, a pity the pain hadn’t. I pulled Neil’s shirt on and smiled as I was surrounded by his smell; I felt at home and safe as soon as I smelt it. I could hear Neil coming back in and quickly pulled his jacket back on over the top, wanting to keep my wrists from his view. I knew he knew but still I didn’t like them being available to be seen. He walked in and offered me a cup; I took it, smiling at him and took a sip, it was perfect. “I was unsure as to how you took your tea. I hope you do not mind but I made it the way I like it: milk, one sugar.” He said and I smiled at him as he sat next to me. I looked at him, at some point he’d gotten changed into a pair of black slacks and a t-shirt that said “Drop an apple on your head, it worked for Newton,” I laughed at little and he looked at me, followed my gaze and smiled up at me. “Science humour. I guess it is slightly nerdy, but it makes me smile and annoys Lucy.” He said and my smile lessened a bit. He looked away, running his hand through his hair, making it flop back down in a mess. I reached out and flattened it down a bit but looked at him and frowned and messed it back up. Neil just looked at me kind of sceptically.

“It looks better that way.” I told him, shrugging. I finished my tea and put it onto the table, on a coaster as to not stain the table. He smiled at me.

“It pleases me that at least you like it.” He almost muttered to himself, narrowing his eyes slightly. I laughed a little bit. I couldn’t help but feel some hope at the amount he bitched about his fiancé; I knew it was silly but it made me feel better. He looked at me seriously. “Why would your father attempt to do such a heinous act?” He asked softly, not wanting to upset me too much. I shrugged, my arms snaking around myself, to make my barrier secure.

“I guess he likes control. He likes to feel like the big man.” I said quietly, looking at a patch of the couch. Neil lifted my face to look at him.

“Is it a regular occurrence?” He asked me and I sighed, thinking about my home life and how screwed up it was.

“No, maybe once every couple of years. When throwing me around or kicking me isn’t enough I guess, or mainly when he’s drunk.” I said without thinking and then gasped; I couldn’t believe that had slipped out. “I mean, ummm....” my voice trailed off as I desperately tried to think of a way to cover what I’d said up.

“So, every one of your “accidents” were caused by him?” He asked me, his voice solemn. I looked into his eyes and saw the pain there but knew that I could trust him and that he wouldn’t tell anyone either.

“Most of them are him yeah.” I told him and let out a big breath of annoyance at myself. I yelled at myself in my head: Why are you telling him more than he needs to know?, You need to tell someone, and he’s the first person you’ve trusted in years. I sighed again, the stupid voice was right, I felt comfortable around Neil; I trusted him and never having had that my response was to tell him everything in hopes he’d protect me But what if he doesn’t? What if he sends you back? What if he just wants one thing and once he gets it will tell the whole world your little secret and leave you to someone else “No!” I cried, not realising it was out loud. Neil looked at me shocked as he saw the tears that were running down my face. He put down his teacup and pulled me to him.

“Paige? What is the matter? You are safe here, I promise.” He told me in his soothing voice and I wanted so badly to believe him.

“Neil, are you going to use me for sex, then abandon me and tell everyone my problems?” I whispered, scared to ask and not knowing why I was. Neil pulled back and I looked at the floor. This was it. He was going to throw me out. He pulled my face up to look at him.

“I would never, NEVER do that Paige. Yes, I find you extremely attractive; however, that is something that I would never do. You are my student first and foremost. It would be immoral on so many levels.” He said, but his voice didn’t sound disgusted at the thought.

“I’m of legal age though, just admittedly, and obviously my father thinks it’s okay. Am I repulsive?” I asked Neil, wondering why these words were leaving my mouth.

“Paige, look at me! You are not repulsive! What your father is, is a mentally unwell man who needs psychological assistance. It is still mostly against the law Paige. I can see that, never having had anyone care this much about you must be confusing and so you are seeking answers to questions you have had for many years, but seriously, do not think like that.” I pulled back from him, almost shocked and disgusted at what he had just said.

“I have had sex before you know! And I have had people care about me, just because my mother and father think it’s okay to abuse me doesn’t mean everyone in my life thinks that. I’ve had boyfriends you know, that really cared for me! So, don’t go making assumptions, because you hardly know me!” I half shouted at him, getting up off the couch and walking towards the door. I felt Neil grab my elbow, and noticed he stayed away from my wrist, maybe he did care a little, and didn’t want to just give me more pain, but still what he had said had hurt, a lot. It probably wouldn’t hurt so much if it wasn’t true...

“Paige, I sincerely apologise. That did not come out how I meant it. You took me by surprise; I am trying to say what I should in this situation. I am your teacher and no matter how much I have considered it,” He paused to look over me, a flash of desire flickered in his eyes. “I could not. It would be so very wrong of me. I want to help you Paige and not take advantage of you. I implore you to understand.” He begged me; I look at him, studying his face.

“It’s not taking advantage if I want it though is it?” I muttered quietly. Neil just looked at me, stunned. Part of me was telling me this was my chance to leave, but the other, bigger part of me wanted to stay and be here with Neil, in this haven.

Neil’s POV

I finished my rant and implored her to try and understand. It was extremely erroneous how much I desired the idea of sleeping with her. However, not just for the act of sex, I would want to make love to her, to prove to her how beautiful she was and to show her the kind of treatment she deserved.

“It’s not taking advantage if I want it though is it?” I heard her mumble and I just stood there stunned. I must have heard that wrong. I knew she liked kissing me, but that and this were two extremely different things. I started to speak but could not find the right thing to say. I looked over her. I desired her. I needed to feel her body, but I knew I could not. She was far beyond off limits.

“I still would not just use you and repeat everything I know of you.” I replied, taking the conversation away from sex, but I could hear that my voice had grown deeper. I coughed to try and cover it. I pulled her back to the couch and sat us both down. “Paige, I want to help you, care for you, show you how you should be treated. If I did otherwise, then I would be as bad as your father.” I told her gently, my hand squeezing hers when she winced at the memories. I pulled her to me and hugged her. “Would you like to watch a movie?” I asked her and she nodded slightly. “Okay, we can do that. I will make us some dinner as well.” She looked at me slightly unconvinced at that, I smiled. “I will have you know I am an excellent cook.” I pretended to look hurt and she smiled at me.

“That sounds great.” She said and it was times like this when I felt nauseous; she looked so young, but when she was being provocative she looked mature and I would forget her age; I wanted more than anything to be with her. I handed her the remote and told her to select a movie from the list on the hard-drive connected up to the television. I retreated to the kitchen to make some dinner; I figured vegetable pasta would work and was simple enough that I would not be away from her for too long. I had just placed the water on to boil when my phone went. I picked it up and exhaled when I saw the caller ID read Lucy.

“Yes?” I asked as I picked up. I could hear Lucy recoiling from the harshness of my voice. “I am sure you said you would leave me alone!” I said my tone harsh and not even slightly friendly. I just wanted her to disappear from my life.

“I thought I’d see if you were okay, baby.” She said, her voice grating against my last nerve.

“I am absolutely fine! I can look after myself; surprisingly, I am a grown man. Please refrain from calling me baby! I am not! I have made it quite clear; it is all off. I do not wish to be in a relationship with you or to go through anymore of this charade.” I told her in my quietest harsh voice; I did not want Paige overhearing and worrying about this. I looked in on her and could see that her eyes were half closed. I smiled slightly, she was so gorgeous when she was sleepy.

“Neil!” I heard Lucy half shout down the phone, pulling me back to the conversation. I walked back into the kitchen not wanting to disturb Paige.

“What?” I asked.

“Were you listening to anything I just said?” She asked me and I audibly let out a frustrated groan.

“No! I was not. I do not want to converse with you. I will send your items to your parent’s house. I do not wish to see you. I mean it Lucy it is off and you are not going to be able to talk your way around this time!” I half shouted, half whispered and hung up. just as I heard Lucy ask why I was whispering. I could not believe her. My fury rose and I slammed the phone down on the side.

“That’s not good for the phone you know?” I spun around and saw Paige stood there just in my shirt and her jeans, having taken off my jacket. She looked so sexy; her hair was slightly messed up from resting on the couch. I smiled at her and put the pasta and vegetables into the boiling water. “Having a fun conversation?” She asked me, and I knew she had overheard what had been said. I ran my hand through my hair, a habit I had when I was nervous, stressed or upset.

“Not really. Some people just cannot take hints, it can be irritating.” I told her, surprised to hear myself telling her that. She came closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist; I looked down at her and smiled, putting one arm around her shoulders.

“Sounded like a hard conversation to give and be taken.” She said, quietly not wanting to anger me further. I smiled at her tactfulness, something else Lucy did not seem capable of. I looked into her eyes, knowing I should just tell her.

“I suppose. It is never easy calling off an engagement.” I saw Paige’s face lighten up slightly, even though she tried to hide it and I smiled a little bit. “Especially when they seem deaf to it but how could I remain with her when I have not been happy for a long time or felt anything besides contempt for her?” I said and was surprised how easily I found it to express myself. I looked down at Paige. “I guess it does not help matters when you have feelings for someone else.” I said quietly and Paige smiled, leaning up towards me as I leant in closer, and touched my lips to hers.