Riding the Sky

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the judges sitting at the table, eyes intent watching my every move, I didn’t care though, it didn’t matter. I just kept riding, kept moving forward, kept pushing, asking Summer Sky for more and she obliged. The ground was strong and solid beneath our feet; it wasn’t too compact and dry, nor slippery and wet. I felt no doubt, no fear, this home, the sun out and shining, alone in the world with just my mare riding her blessed heart out for me.
The jump was slowly creeping closer, big and threatening and ominous looming above us expectantly sending cold shivers down my spine for a reason I could had no time to ponder. But I didn’t stop, I didn’t pull us up like I should have. I was too lost in the feeling of her; we were one, every grea t breath that sent her lugs expanding was also the same as my more frantic tired rapid breathing, we were both tired but kept on going. Two equals working together, travling in sync. Many riders and there steeds tried to establish a bond like this, but very few are succesful. Sky and I just happened to be one of the few who are able to that.
I could feel the stares of the seven judges boring through my back, ugh that was the only thing I hated about this sport, the prying eyes judging and calculating my every move. It’s very nerv wrecking even faded almost transparently into the background, it’s still there naging in your self conscience. Still though I kept pushing to the limits, getting my fastest time yet and still having fun.
The jump was almost upon us then, for some reason my heart filled with despair; and Sky sensing it faltered in her steps. I needed to pull us out, there was no way on earth we could ever make it now; but it was too late the jump was already upon us, and I knew that no horse no matter how great could ever make that jump. I knew it, Sky knew it, the judges knew it, my trainer knew it, everyone seemed to know it, I could tell from the look of horror on there faces. Even on the faces of those who knew nothing about this sport, somehow could tell we couldn’t make and never would. . . . . They were right.
Our hind legs bunched and pushed upward with all the strength and power of a lioness. Time slowed down and everything went into slow motion. The jump passed under our front legs and for one small second, I thought we would make it. And we almost did, almost.
With a sickening crunch our legs fell through the bars spliting them in half the impact sending me flying. Head over heels spinning and twirling and flipping through the air like a bad football pass, finally landing hard on my arm half the areana away. I couldn’t breath, why couldn’t I breath? Panic engulfed me and sent my heart pounding a million miles and hour, the pain in my arm exploading with a powerful force bringing me to tears, until I saw Summer Sky.
Oh God, please no, not her, God make her better please make her better. Shit!
“Sky, Sky!” I screamed running over to her. By now the judges were standing calling the vet and the hospital for me. The jump was completely ruined, splintered wood was all over the place including Sky’s back legs bleeding all over the dark brown sand getting greedily devoured and sucked dry. At the sound of my voice she stirred and tried to stand, but couldn’t. Her back legs were usless, they must have broken as she landed on the bar causing it to shatter.
“Oh my God Kasta are you okay?” Matt, my trainer was now kneeling next to me conceren radiating from his very core, his soft voice gruff with worry. When did he get here? I mean, I know we travled in the truck together on the way here, but I hadn’t heard his approach. I couldn’t answer him, how could I? My best friend and only living link to my mother was going to be put down, and it was all my fault. No, I wasn’t okay, how could I be? I was barely able to hold back the tears, I didn’t want to cry in front of these people, not now not ever. Summer Sky is the only person alive who has ever seen or heard me cry.
Oh God, Sky! You can’t die, you can’t! A crowd had gathered around us, but Matt knew I didn’t like people because of what my dad does to me. So he shoed them away and only let the vet in when she came, he even shoed away the paramedics that rushed towards me a little after the vet began checking Sky out. I just sat there numb knowing what the verdict would be, and not wanting to feel anything blocking the pain out of my mind long enough for the vet to make up her mind.
“I’m sorry, but her back legs are broken and theres nothing we can do but end her pain,” that was all, no more was said after that but—
“Would you like me to sit with you?” Matt sounded old and tired, but there were no tears in his voice, I have never seen him cry. All I could do was nod my head and lean inconspiciously against his side numbly, lifting Sky’s black head onto my lap.
“I’m sorry Sky, I can’t make you better this time’—she often prone to collic—“I’m not going to lie to you, because you never lied to me. Tell mom. . . . .Tell mom hi for me and that I love her very much. I love you too girl, I always have and I always will.” Sky who had never liked shots winnied shrilly at the sight of the needle digging in and spreading death througout her veins. “Shhhh, shhhh, it’s okay now girl, it’s okay. I bet I’m going to suffer more than you, you get a quick release, But I, I have to the rest of my life without you. It’s always that way, it’s us, your riders that suffer more than you poor guys that are actually dying. It’s always that way and it always will be. Oh God, I’m going to miss you girl. I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. I’m sorry your going to die. I’m sorry.” The light had long faded out of her eyes, but I couldn’t stop talking to her, I just, couldn’t. Looking into her eyes, I couldn’t believe she was dead. Minutes ago I had felt her strong and sure beneath me, she had pranced and danced about the practice field.
“Kasta, come on, theres no point in staying, I know you want to but you cant. Plus the paramedics wont leave until you have a full physical examination, there as stubborn as you are.” I didn’t move, I couldn’t. Not with Sky’s head still in my lap, and I wasn’t going to let go. Not ever. I didn’t move and—
“Don’t make me move you, Kasta. Because God help me, I will.” I moved. It turns out, all I had were a few bumps and bruises over half not from the fall, but the paramedics dismissed them and asked no questions. I had a dislocated shoulder but they popped it back into place and after that, I was free to go.
It was weird going back with an emptey trailer, I kept waiting and expecting Sky to winnie, but she was dead and I was never going to see her ever again, and was all my fault. Matt sat quietly and didn’t say one word, in a way it was comforting. The country side speed by, the truck eating up mile upon mile of road. Suddenly I got a strange urge for someone to hug me and hold me close and tell me everything was going to be okay, but there was no one but Matt so I kept quiet. Normally the truck would be filled with laughter and jokes, but Matt didn’t push me to talk, he never pushed anyone for anything. He was always saying that you could led a horse to water, but you couldn’t make him drink. That was always his favorite phrase to say, he said it at least twenty times a day.
The yearning for comfort grew and grew, but I didn’t know how to ask, I never have before, well not from a human at least. The only person I ever asked was Sky, and now she’s dead. To distract myself from the pain of losing her, I began to side study Matt. His hair was black and styled to be messy, his blue eyes were focused on the road but held a sadness withen them only lurking, his nose was crooked from when he got into a fight and punched in the nose breaking it. He hated it, but I think it somehow suites him. His cheek bones are sharp and angular, cat like in a way, but his nose reminds me of a hawks’. And--
“How old are you?” I aksed innocently like a child my voice somehow bleak.
He grunted in surprise and gave me a quick look, a pause then: “Twenty-two, why? How old are you?”
“Just wondering, and you already know how old I am.”
“Yeah, but tell me again, I told you how old I was.”
Fair trade. “Thirteen.”
Matt merely nodded and was silent again. I looked back out the window right as we were passing some horses and saw a horse exactly like Sky, same coloring and everything. Despite my efforts a few tears escaped oozing out the corners of my eyes and down my cheeks, I felt eyes settle on me briefly then a warm hand wrap around my closed fist (when did I do that?) and gently uncurl it. I twisted in my seat to look at Matt, but turned his attention back on the road again, holding my limp hand firmly in his strong one. For once, I didn’t object. And that’s how the rest of the car ride home went, Matt holding my hand and small conversations sprouting here aand there but for the most part, silent.
“Want me to put Sky’s stuff up,” he asked me gently. I didn’t see the point of putting her stuff away, she was the only horse I owned.
But, “I can do it,” I muttered involunatrily, knowing that I would most likely break down and didn’t want him seeing me like that.
“kay, I want to talk to your old man for minute, is that okay with you?” He knew it would be okay, but asked anyways and I was grateful.
“Of course,” I said walking into the emptey two stalled barn. Matt left me alone, and I was left in Sky’s stable clutching her saddle blanket when my knees buckled. I fell limply to the hay covered ground and pulled my knees up, and wrapped my arms around them. Tears came to my eyes then, for the billionth time today, only this time let them fall, really fall. First it started out with a few tears trickling down my cheeks, then they started streaming, and for the first time since I can ever remember, I broke down sobbing. Feeling the loss of my mother again fresh and new, I broke. All the old pain mixed with new pain over losing Summer Sky came rushing out in gut wrenching sobs that hurt my bruised ribs and since I had never cried this hard ever, I couldn’t stop. I was out of control.
I didn’t know how long I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, but after a while I heard two pairs of boots walking towards me, and—
“Why the fuck are you crying? Good God grow some balls Kasta, you’re a man for crying out loud, you stupid shitty little bratt. I heard you killed my horse today, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LIITLE SHIT!” He screamed slapping the back of my head hard, really hard and then storming back into the house the sound of the door slaming carrying out into the stable.
I had all but forgotten about Matt until someone sat down next to me and pulled me into there chest. “Shhh, shhhh,” he whispered over and again rubbing small circles on my back. Even after I regained control over myself, we sat like that, and once again I was thankful to him for being there when I needed him most. The last thing I remembered that day was Matt lifting me gently and carrying up to my house and tucking me in with a soft goodnight kiddo and peck on the check before closing the door behind him. For the first time that day after Summer Sky died, I wasn’t in pain and hurting, I was tired and unsettled sure, but not feeling the deep sorrow that had consumed me erlier and forced me to my breaking point. I could not ask for more.