Falling Out of Line

Tyler ran out before I could even look back at him. I frowned at the door, staring at where he stood just a second ago. When I opened it, I couldn't even see him anywhere. Did something happen to him, or did he seriously run from my house? I hope everything was okay for him, but I do want to know why he freaking disappeared for no reason.

I cleaned up the flowers and put them back in the vase - thank god it wasn't broken. My mother would definitely kill me. She only pops up in my life to scold me.

I was still wondering what happened to Tyler, even after adding some more water to the vase and wiping up the water that was spilled. But eventually I just tried to ignore it. Maybe he had to be home before curfew or something... I mean, I still could have given him a ride, but... I don't know.

I sent him a quick text on my way up the stairs to my room, but then I ran into my sister Lori. She was just coming out of the bathroom in just a towel and I HATE IT.

"Why can't you just bring your clothes in the bathroom with you?!" I yelled at her as she walked down the hall.

"Just because you hate looking at girls doesn't mean the whole world does."

"Lori, I'm the only guy in this house, and I don't want to see you naked. Put some fucking clothes on!"

"I live here too, and I can do whatever I want! I'm gonna tell mom that you had a boy in your room." She opened the door to her room.

"And I'll tell her about the boy you brought to your room." I smirked, knowing I had her.

She gasped, then glared at me before slamming the door behind her.

Lori is perfectly happy acting like a whore. If my parents found out, they probably wouldn't do much - they love their little girls. I was the mistake. I wasn't supposed to be conceived, wasn't meant to be a boy, and I sure wasn't meant to be gay. For most of my child, my sisters had me convinced I was switched at the hospital and went home with the wrong parents. I sometimes wish that were true.

I knew I was pushing myself into dark territory with my thoughts right now, but there wasn't away to change that now. I just tried to go to bed early, with my head still full of thoughts.

**

"Hi, Lewis," said yet another girl who waved at me as I walked down the halls.

When this first happened this morning when I got to school, I stuttered a hello before walking away confused. Nobody talks to me, except for the bullies.

But I had been getting attention all morning. I still wasn't used to it, but I gave a small smile in her direction before hurrying down the hall, heading to lunch.

Eyes immediately drifted to me when I walked through the doors of the cafeteria. I tried to ignore them and set my gaze on Naran who was standing in the lunch line with his tray. I quickly walked over to him.

"Oh, you can cut in front of me, Lewis," a girl I hardly knew said to me. She stepped back in line so I could stand behind Naran.

"I, uh... thanks, but I wasn't getting in line. I just wanted to talk to-"

"Where are you sitting at lunch today, Lewis?" Another girl popped up out of nowhere.

"W-Where I always sit?" I had no idea what was going on.

"You should sit with us." The second girl tugged on my arm, but then the girl who was already in line smacked her hand away.

"He's already sitting with me, Lisa. And besides, he hasn't gotten his food yet."

"Actually, Lewis is going to sit with me today, and I've already got his food. Excuse us, ladies." Naran nudged me away from the crazy girls who were now frowning.

When we were sitting at our regular table, I grabbed Naran's hands in gratitude. "Thank you for saving me from them. I have no idea what's been going on lately! Everyone keeps talking to me."

"It's because you're popular now." He said before biting into his burger.

"When did that happen?"

"When you kissed Tyler at Kaitlyn's party, apparently. Hey, why wasn't I invited to that?"

I groaned. "That's what this is about? Why? All I did was- no, I didn't even do anything. Tyler kissed me and then ran off, leaving me to be attacked by gushing girls and guys who were-"

"Wait, so that actually happened? He did kiss you? Why didn't you tell me? You tell me everything." He frowned.

"I didn't leave you out on purpose. Things were just confusing and I didn't want to talk about it."

"What was so confusing?" He said before looking behind me. I turned around and saw Tyler walk into the cafeteria, immediately receiving even more attention than I got before. "Oh, I understand. Have you two talked about it?"

"Yeah, but I think things are still weird between us. It was my first kiss, and his, too. No straight boy wants their first kiss to be with a guy, especially not a loser like me."

"Lewis-"

"I know, I should stop badmouthing myself. But really, that must have been humiliating for him. And now he keeps running away from me."

"Well, he's not running now."

I turned around just as Tyler walked up. He stared at me, then looked down at his feet and went to sit beside Naran. His tray was full of food but he didn't seem to be hungry at all, and he still wouldn't look at me.

"So, how was the party- OW!" I kicked Naran's leg under the table. He frowned.

Tyler didn't look up from his tray, just poking his burger with a fork.

"I think we should all hang out today. I feel like I hardly see you two anymore." Naran said before stuffing his face with french fries.

"That sounds fun. Are you in, Tyler?"

He finally looked up at me. "Oh, well, I don't know. I don't think I really feel like hanging out today."

"But you've been hanging out with Lewis all week." Naran laughed.

"I guess I'm just tired then." He shrugged.

"Whatever." Naran turned to me. "I can still count on you, right Lewis?"

"Of course. We can go to the mall or something."

Naran seemed satisfied by this and went back to eating. Tyler was staring at me for some reason, but stopped when I noticed him and looked back down at his tray.

I wanted to talk to him, I knew something was bothering him, but I had a feeling it wasn't something to talk about around Naran. Not that I don't like sharing things with Naran - I can always count on him to listen and give me good advice, even if I don't want to follow it. But I just think Tyler hasn't grown as close to Naran as I have. Actually, I'm not sure if Tyler's really made any other real friends besides us. He certainly is popular, but I don't think he even cares. It's so strange - he seems practically flawless and he doesn't even notice how much everyone likes him. I know it's going to be hard to get over this stupid crush I have on him.

"Are you going to eat your lunch?" Naran asked Tyler.

Tyler pushed his tray towards Naran. "I'm not really hungry."

"Are you okay?" I asked as Naran devoured Tyler's food.

He chewed on his lip before looking at me. "I'm... I think I'm just not feeling well."

"What's wrong? Is it bad?" I got worried.

"It's nothing, my stomach's just been feeling weird. I haven't been very hungry lately."

"I hope you're not sick."

"I hope Lewis didn't give you mono." Naran chuckled.

I gasped, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. I wanted to punch my best friend in the face.

"I-I don't have mono!" I squeaked, causing a few people to turn around and stare at me. My blush only got deeper.

"I was only kidding. Besides, stomach pain isn't a symptom of mono." Naran said.

"You are the only one who thinks you're funny." I glared at him.

"As long as I can make myself laugh, then that's all that matters to me." He said before taking another bite of his burger.

I rolled my eyes at him.

The rest of the lunch period was Naran teasing me while Tyler stared at the table. I was really worried about him. I wasn't sure if he was sick, but maybe he didn't like all the new attention that he was getting. Maybe he was getting teased for being gay, or hanging out with me. I have already dealt with guys who bullied me, saying my "gayness was contagious."

I really hope Tyler doesn't have to go through what I went through... and what I still go through.

We were always dismissed a few minutes before the period ended, so Tyler, Naran and I were already walking down the hallway to my locker. Naran's locker was right next to mine, but I don't know where Tyler's locker is.

I opened my locker to get my books for Math. Naran was asking Tyler what he liked to do for fun.

"I don't know. I don't play any sports, and I don't watch TV that much."

"Do you read? Play video games?"

"Uh, I guess so, but not that much. I don't really... have any... hobbies." I looked at Tyler as he got quiet. He seemed unhappy with his statement.

"Don't you get bored?" Naran asked.

"I used to just do my homework and listen to music. There wasn't much else to do."

Naran seemed confused but he didn't push it any further. "Well, you're free to join Lewis and I whenever you feel like it."

Tyler nodded and leaned against the lockers. He still didn't seem happy.

"Do we have a test today?" Naran caught my attention.

"Huh?"

"In math. Do we have a test?"

Why would he ask me if we had a test? He knew when we had a test coming up before the teacher even knew. "What do you-"

"I think we have a test today. I need to go get my notes back from Tori so I can study."

And just like that he disappeared down the hallway, leaving me extremely confused.

Tyler was looking at me but as soon as I noticed, he turned away. What was happening here?

"T-Tyler, are we... okay?" I asked.

"Huh?" He looked back at me. "What do you mean?"

"Are things awkward between us right now?"

"What?"

"I was hoping things wouldn't be this awkward, but who am I kidding? We kissed - it makes perfect sense that things would be awkward now. I mean, I've gotten over it, but you won't even look me in the eye. It was just a kiss, Tyler. It didn't mean anything."

His face had an expression that I didn't recognize, but then he changed it and just kinda smiled at me.

"You're right. It... it didn't mean anything. We're just friends, right?" He asked.

"I don't know, are we? Are you gonna keep acting all weird?"

"No, I mean, I'm sorry. Things have just been... different for me lately. Between the gossip at school and my family wanting to connect with me - well, my adoptive family - things have just been kinda overwhelming."

"I didn't know you were having trouble at home."

"It's not really trouble, I just... it's complicated."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He thought for a minute, then sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Yes and no. I don't really want to talk about it, but if I don't I'm gonna go crazy, and I know you'll understand because you're the only person that knows anything about me, but I just don't..." He trailed off.

I've never known him to really ramble like that. I don't even feel like I know him at all, but I know he doesn't like to talk about himself - I probably am the only one that knows about his background as an orphan. He probably feels like he doesn't have any other choice on who to talk to, but I still can't understand why he chose me as a friend anyway. I'll still help him, even if I am just a last resort.

The bell rang for next period.

"Why don't we talk about this after school?" I asked, hoping he'd still want to talk then.

He nodded. "Sure."

"Okay. Meet me by my locker at 3. See you then."

He sighed before lifting himself off of the lockers and walking away.

Poor Tyler.

**

Tyler found me before I could go looking for him. He came up to me in the hallway, running a hand through his hair, which he does a lot. He didn't say anything, just looked in my direction and gave a small smile.

"Should I be worried?" I asked him.

"No. Why would you be worried?"

"I've never seen you act like this before. You seem really... distraught."

He raised an eyebrow. "Distraught? Is that a vocabulary word?"

I rolled my eyes. "Ha ha. I'm being serious, Tyler. I'm worried about you."

He frowned. "It's nothing serious. I've just got a lot on my mind. You don't have to stress yourself out about it."

"You're the one that seems stressed."

He sighed. "Can I... can we-"

"You want to go somewhere and talk?"

He nodded his head.

We left the school and started walking to nowhere in particular, but we came across a park that I remembered coming to when I was little. I looked at Tyler to see if he wanted to walk through the park. I guess my face showed how much I wanted to go, because he smiled at me and steered us along the path between the trees.

The leaves were changing colors already, but none were the bright orange color I loved, and the fallen leaves weren't ripe for crunching yet. It was still pretty warm outside. The typical joggers and bike riders dominated the path, nearly knocking us down. Tyler pulled me to the side just in time to stop me from being run over by a cyclist. He held me close to his chest, his warmth radiating through his jacket.

He coughed and moved away from me, then continued walking up the path. I followed him until he stopped at a tree away from the path, almost hidden. This was where the park seemed really familiar. Suddenly, I remembered my old hide-out.

"Follow me," I grabbed his hand and pulled him behind me, dragging him to this huge, bent over tree.

The tree was so hunched over that the branches practically brushed the ground - it was the perfect hiding place when I was little. He ran a hand through his hair again, his fingers stopping near the ends to twist the strands between his fingers. I still held his other hand, so I pulled him down so we were both on our knees on the ground. I let go of his hand and crawled behind the branches of my favorite tree.

I took in the smell of fresh grass as Tyler parted the curtain of arching leaves, letting it close behind him as he crawled under the tree with me. I leaned back against the trunk and sighed contently. This was where I came to relax as a kid. I could ignore everything that was happening in the world and enjoy myself, hidden in my special place. I remember I used to have an imaginary friend named Georgie, and when my parents told me I was getting too old to have Georgie around, I had him hide her so my parents wouldn't know about him. I don't know why, but a sudden breeze made me feel like Georgie was still here. But when I turned to look, I just saw Tyler sitting to my left, staring up at the tree.

"I-I used to come here a lot when I was little," I said softly, making him look over at me. "Under these branches, I could forget about my troubles and finally feel at peace. Whatever I was afraid of others knowing, I would leave it here. What I'm getting at is, what happens in here, stays in here. So, whatever you want to talk about that you're afraid of anyone else finding out about... it doesn't leave this tree."

He stared at me, then looked down at the ground. I didn't realize why he hadn't said anything for a while after I talked, but then I noticed his body was shaking.

"Tyler, are you okay?"

He hiccuped before burying his face between his thighs and his arms. I moved in front of him and brought him tightly into my arms. It wasn't until I started rubbing circles on his back like my grandma did for me that he let out a loud sob, confirming my suspicions that he was crying. I barely know Tyler, but I feel like this is definitely rare for him to break down like this. I still held him close, rubbing circles in his back. I touched my forehead to his, wanting to "take some of your troubles off your mind," like my grandma would.

My grandma was the greatest woman in the world. She was the only one who made me glad to a part of my family. But it still bothers me that she passed away before I could tell her about my sexuality, about my troubles at school, about my self-confidence. In a way, I feel like she knew already and was just being polite by not drawing attention to it. She was that kind of person, not wanting to make a big deal out of things. I decided to stick with her methods.

When Tyler's shaking stopped and he tried to sit up, I moved back to sit by his side. He wiped his bloodshot eyes and sniffled, still hugging his knees to his chest. It was quiet for a long time before I tried to break the tension by singing.

Octopus' Garden - The Beatles
"I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus' garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus' garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade.

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden with you."

"Why did you sing that song?" Tyler finally spoke up.

I shrugged. "I don't know. It came to mind, and it felt right."

He straightened his legs out in front of him and started twisting strands of his hair together again.

"I feel like you did that purpose."

"What? I just sang a song."

"But that song? Really?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"Are you even paying attention to the lyrics? Hiding away from everyone, safe and happy together in the shade? Is this," he gestured to the tree, "your octopus' garden or something?"

I thought for a second and realized he was right - the lyrics were fated to match up to this moment, but I honestly hadn't thought about what I was saying when I was singing.

"I really hadn't thought about that."

He sighed and looked at me. "It's just... it's like you were trying to tell me something with that song."

"Not intentionally. I just felt like singing."

He stared at me again before turning away. I feel like I've done something wrong.

I heard him quietly singing to himself the last verse of the song:

"We would be so happy you and me / No one there to tell us what to do / I'd like to be under the sea / In an octopus' garden with you..." His voice drifted off as he turned to me. I started to blush but I don't know why. "Thanks for bringing me here, Lewis. I really needed a mental break."

"It's no problem. Everyone needs to just take a break and let it out every once in a while."

He smiled and nodded, but it disappeared quickly.

"Is it okay if I don't want to talk anymore?"

I was a little upset by that because I think he really needed to talk to somebody. I'm sure his parents would listen, but maybe they're part of the problem, although I really can't see that - his parents are very nice.

"Sure. It's your business and I don't need to butt into it."

"You wouldn't be butting into it, it's just... I really want to make sense of my thoughts first."

"Do you need any help with that?"

He chewed his lip. "It's not like I need anything analyzed. I just keep getting things mixed up in my brain and... other areas."

"You mean your heart?"

He blinked at me, then brought his knees back up to his chest. "Yeah. My heart."

"Maybe you just need to quiet the rest of your body and focus on what really matters to you right now. If you want to address something logically, then shut out everything but your mind. If you want to know how you really feel about something, listen to your heart."

"You make it sound so easy."

"I know it's not that simple, but it's a place to start."

"... Have you ever had trouble... figuring out what you wanted?"

"I'm not really sure what you mean."

"Like, with life," He turned to face me and crossed his legs. "Where you weren't sure what you wanted from people or what people you wanted to be around."

"God yes. I hated my best friend for months but still missed being around him, and I wasn't sure if I was just being too sensitive or if I should just accept that fact that he was a jerk and move on. And then there's my parents..." I drifted off. I really wasn't sure what I wanted from them, but either way I didn't expect much from them. But maybe I shouldn't be bringing up parents with Tyler right now.

"I feel like such a spoiled brat. I've got everything I've ever wanted - a loving family, popularity at school, real friends... but it still doesn't feel right."

"Maybe you just need something new to wish for."

"I never wished for any of this. It just happened. I never expected my wildest dreams to come true."

I shrugged. I've never had a Cinderella story - I can't really share sympathy with him.

"What do you wish for, Lewis?"

I turned to him. "What do I wish for?" I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't sound pathetic.

"Yeah. I promise not to judge."

I sighed and practically whispered, "Someone who'll love me."

"What?"

I shook my head. "Never mind."

"No, what did you say?"

"Nothing. It's stupid."

"There's no such thing as a stupid dream."

I shook my head again. "I don't really-"

"What do you wish for, Lewis?" He was sitting directly in front of me, staring me down.

I turned my head away from his gaze. "N-Nothing. It's just a stupid-"

"Don't call it stupid. It's your dream. Own up to it."

"Fine!" I yelled, startling both myself and Tyler. "You wanna know what I wish for?" He just stared at me. "I just want somebody to love me. Just somebody..."

"What are you talking about? Lots of people love you."

I hadn't realized I had started crying until a tear fell down my cheek. I guess today was just the perfect time to spill our emotions.

"Don't tell me that my family does because they've never cared about me. Even before I came out, they didn't like me. You and Naran are my only friends, but I wouldn't expect you to say that you loved me anyway."

"Lewis-"

"No, Tyler, look. I know you can't understand this, but there isn't always a person out there that's has somebody. You have Cory and Sean and they adore you. You've got the whole school ready to kiss your feet. And I..." I stopped myself. What was I about to say to him? I tried to clear the lump in my throat.

Tyler looked like he was trying to swallow something too. "You what?"

"Nothing."

He scooted back away from me and looked at his feet. "Lewis, your family does love you. I bet they'd be devastated if anything happened to you."

I scoffed.

"No, listen to me, Lewis. Your family loves you - there's no way that they couldn't love you. It's impossible not to." I looked up at him. "Even Cory and Sean get so excited when I even mention you. They love having you over. They even ask me when you'll be coming by again. I'm actually not sure if I should bring you back home - they might smother you."

I laughed, sniffling a bit. I hadn't fully burst out in tears, so there was just a tight lump in my throat and a few tears still pressing against my eyes. One did fall, and to my surprise, Tyler caught it with his thumb and gently brushed it aside. I stared at him as he slowly pulled his hand away, his gaze dropping to the ground.

"Wh-what I'm trying to say is that people do care about you." He said.

For some reason, I was still upset. He didn't even say that he cared about me. I guess I didn't really expect him to say it, but it still would have been nice to hear. But now I feel selfish. What if he feels the same way - that nobody cares about him. He must have felt that way at least once, living in foster homes his whole life. Maybe he needs to hear that somebody cares about him too.

"Tyler-" I started. "Lewis-" he interrupted me.

"You first." He said.

"I just want you to know that I care about you."

"What?"

"I know Cory and Sean love you and the whole school's in love with you, but I want you to know that I love having you as a friend. I'm really glad that you didn't turn me away that first day. I thought you would think I was too annoying and you would just ditch me, but you actually stood by me, and you've stood up for me."

He shrugged. "I only do that because I care about you too."

I felt an unwelcome blush creep onto my cheeks but I still smiled at him. "Weren't you going to say something before?"

He shifted his legs. "Oh, right. I... I don't really know how... I mean, I can't really explain it. It's just... Okay, remember when you were afraid that things were gonna be weird between us?"

"Because of the kiss?"

"Yeah. I just think... things are gonna get a little weirder."

"What do you mean?"

He started moving closer to me. "Just... I don't know, weirder."

"Why would things get weirder? Aren't we okay right now?" I asked. Tyler was now sitting in front of me, his hands were all jittery. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. We're okay, I'm okay. But I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I can't be sure how you're going to react."

"Tyler, you're making me nervous." I said as he was moving in closer. "What are you..." I trailed off.

He was inches away from my face, just looking at me. My body was flush with heat, his eyes now refusing to meet mine. It suddenly dawned on me that he was getting ready to kiss me, but I couldn't believe it. There was no way he wanted to kiss me. I'm... me, and he's... him. That just doesn't make any sense.

I opened my mouth to say something but got distracted by Tyler's warm breath fanning my nose. My breathing caught in my throat. There was little space between us. Just as I had closed my eyes, preparing for his lips to meet mine, the loud ringing of my phone cut in. I opened my eyes to see Tyler had backed away and was now sitting back on his feet. I frowned and turned my attention to my phone.

"Hello?"

"Lewis? Where are you? I thought we were supposed to hang out today!" Naran's annoyed voice came through the phone.

"Sorry. I left with Tyler."

"Of course you did. It's not like I'm your friend too or anything."

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"I just hope I'm not interrupting anything." He said sarcastically, but I really wasn't sure if he had interrupted something or not.

"I'll call you tonight."

"Whatever." He hung up.

I wasn't sure why Naran was so upset. We were best friends, sure, and we did hang out a lot before Tyler came along, but it's not like Naran and I talked very much. If anything, I did most of the talking, complaining about my family or the bullies at school. Naran was just passive and listened to me. But Naran is still my best friend and I would never try to replace him. Tyler wasn't taking his place. I hope Naran isn't upset about that, because I don't have any friends besides him anyway.

Tyler had gotten up and was trying to leave from under the tree, but I leaped forward and grabbed his arm, stopping him.

"You aren't gonna walk out on me again without an explanation."

He frowned but sat back down. He didn't say anything.

"Well?" I asked. He flinched.

"What?"

"What was that about? Before Naran called me?"

He looked at the ground. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"You were sitting really close to me, talking about things getting weirder between us-"

"I don't know what I was doing."

"Neither do I."

He sighed. "I was just thinking about something. It's not important."

"Tyler, we were making such good progress. Don't shut me out now. What were you thinking about earlier?"

Why was he so afraid to tell me? Was he really... "Were you... was what almost happened... were you going to kiss me?" I asked.

He turns to me, and his face looks absolutely petrified. The fact that he didn't try to deny it, didn't even blink, told me that I was right.

"But why?" I asked.

"Why?" He echoed me, finally breaking his silence.

"Why did you want to kiss me?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Well, you weren't trying to kiss me before! What magically compelled you to do it now?!"

He glared at me. "Why are you acting like this? I thought you wanted me to kiss you!"

"You're the one that was practically on top of me!"

"You weren't exactly stopping me!"

"I was confused. I didn't know what was happening!"

"And you think I'm not confused right now? I don't even know why I just tried to do that!" He pounded the ground with his fists before groaning and crawling out from under the tree. I quickly followed after him.

"Tyler!" I called after his back as he stormed away from me. I tried to run after him but my foot caught on a branch and I tripped and fell. I watched his retreating back, leaving me down in the dirt, wondering what went wrong.