Falling Out of Line

It's been about two weeks since Tyler and I "broke up". We haven't spoken since. I don't know if it's because we're still trying to make the break up seem real, or if we just both agree that we should distance ourselves.

I was at my locker and Naran was talking to me about statistics or some math-related subject that I didn't understand. I wasn't paying attention.

I heard the sound of the jocks rampaging down the hallway, goofing off and tossing backpacks in the air like footballs. They ran down the hall, passing bags to each other, bumping into each other. It's like they don't know how to exist off the field.

Another backpack went air-borne, and I barely had time to register that it was headed for me before I was pushed out of the way. I stumbled and nearly fell on my ass but Naran caught me. I looked up to see who pushed me out of the way, but all I saw was Tyler's face looking back at me as he was whisked away by his new jock friends.

"Are you okay?" Naran asked as he helped me back on my feet.

I stared down the hallway. Among the mass of jocks crowding the end of the hall, I could still see Tyler's shaggy head of hair popping up. He was freakishly tall. He always made me feel like a midget.

"Lewis..."

The jocks all burst out laughing at something before looking down the hall. Tyler locked eyes with me, a sad look on his face. The jocks just kept laughing and shoving Tyler's shoulder while they stared at me. Me. They were laughing at me.

"Lewis!" Naran shook my arm.

I turned to him. "What?"

"Quit spacing out on me." He glared down the hall at the jocks. "Come on, let's go to my house."

"Um... do we have to leave right now?" The closest way to get to the parking lot was walking to the end of the hallway - passing right by the jocks.

"Lewis..."

"Maybe we could wait until they leave."

"You know that won't be for a while. Their practice won't start for another twenty minutes."

"We could wait it out."

"Lewis, you can't avoid him forever."

I hated that he said 'him', not them. I wasn't really avoiding Tyler. There was no need to. After we 'broke up', Tyler immediately got drawn in by the jocks. He's on the basketball team now, and there are rumors floating around that he's dating Kaitlyn now. It's probably a load of bullshit, but I couldn't care less. Tyler was where he belonged, and I was where I belonged - an outcast with Naran as my only friend. The natural order had been restored.

I sighed, picked up my backpack, and closed my locker. Naran looked at me, I guess to see if I was really brave enough to walk through jock territory. I wasn't scared of them. I was just tired of them talking about me. It's as if there is no one else to make fun of at this school. Why did I have to be their target?

"You know, we could actually go to the library for a while, until practice starts-"

"No, you're right. I've got to face this eventually. I won't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they're getting to me."

"Are you sure?"

"Shut up and follow me before I change my mind."

He grabbed his backpack and fell into step with me as we walked down the hallway. The noise of the jocks grew louder as we got closer. It was getting harder to keep moving on my trembling legs.

The hallway seemed to go on forever at first, but then suddenly we were a few feet away from the jocks. They all turned to look at us, the entire hallway silent now. I silently begged them to just let us through, but I knew that was pointless.

"Hey, faggot."

I looked down and walked faster, but Jordan grabbed my shoulder and slammed me against the wall. I heard Naran yell at them to leave me alone, but I was surrounded by them now, trapped against the wall. Jordan still held my shoulder pinned against the chipping brick wall between the locker rooms.

"I was talking to you, faggot."

"What do want from me? I'm just trying to get home." I said, defeated.

"Oh, you just want to go home? Well, we can help you with that, right boys?" Jordan said with a crooked grin. All the jocks behind him started to grin as they moved closer to me. I let them wrap their hulking hands around my arms and legs and carry me outside.

The bright sun blinded me as I was lifted above their heads. I heard girls babbling and guys laughing nearby as the jocks just carried me above their heads across the parking lot. Nobody gave a shit that I was being tormented right now. The world just carried on, no matter what I was going through.

I looked ahead and saw that they were taking me over to the dumpsters.

"No, guys, please. Not the dumpster. My clothes still reek from last time!"

They just laughed at my pleas as I struggled to get out of their grasp. Suddenly, I was flying through the air and landed with a loud bang in the dumpster. The garbage bag I landed on burst open and sprayed me with its foul contents. The laughter and cheering of the jocks slowly faded away. Even though they were probably gone, for a while, I didn't try to move. Everything squished as I shifted and I didn't think I could stand without slipping back into the mess. But still, I just didn't feel like moving. I didn't feel like fighting this anymore. I thought that they would leave me alone after Tyler and I stopped talking to each other, but they've been just as evil as before. I just couldn't win.

I didn't know what they did with Naran, probably shoved him into the janitor's closet or something just to stop him from helping me. They don't mess with him that much. Only me.

I really just wanted to stay here, sitting in the trash where I belonged, but I looked up and saw a hand reaching over the edge of the dumpster. Reluctantly, I grabbed it and was hoisted to my feet. They grabbed my other hand and pulled me out of the dumpster. I started to say thanks, but then I saw that my savior was Tyler. I glared at him and shoved him away from me before walking toward the street.

"Wait, Lewis."

"Fuck off."

He caught up with me at the gate and blocked my path.

I sighed. "What."

He looked at me for a minute before holding out my backpack. I snatched it from his grip and tried to continue walking, but he still stood in my way.

"What now?" I groaned. "Haven't you and your buddies done enough?"

He frowned. "I didn't know they were going to do that."

"But you stood by and let it happen anyway." He was silent. "Look, don't even try to apologize or feed me some bullshit about how you're trying to help me. We both know that you're better off with the jocks and I'm getting screwed over either way, so just go hang out with your best friend Jordan, and just... just leave me alone." I shoved past his arm and marched down the sidewalk.

I didn't hear him following me. Maybe he would finally just leave me alone. It was better that way.

**

I ignored my sisters taunting me about how I smelled like a skunk when I got home, making my way upstairs to my room. I tossed my backpack on the floor, knowing it would probably have to be tossed in the trash if I couldn't get the smell out. I stepped out of my shoes, grabbed my razor, and locked myself in the bathroom.

I caught a glance of myself in the mirror: hair matted and clumped together with different sticky substances clinging to each strand, uniform stained and wrinkled - my mother was going to kill me for ruining it and make me pay to get in dry cleaned, not even bothering to ask what happened to it in the first place. There was something brown on my cheek - I didn't want to know what that was. My reflection covered in garbage wasn't a new thing for me to see. I hadn't been thrown in the dumpster for a while now, not since Tyler transferred here.

Tyler.

I wiped my face of the tears that managed to streaky my dirty face and peeled off my clothes.

I stepped into the shower, just letting the filth run off of me for a few minutes. I started to scrub myself really hard, like I was trying to take off a layer of skin. The water was boiling and I was rubbing my skin raw, but I didn't care. Ten minutes later, my skin was bright red and tender. I picked up my razor and sliced my arm without thinking. Usually, I don't cut in an obvious place. I do it on my thighs usually, but I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Who cared if people saw? It wouldn't change anything. I'd still be ignored, still be treated like shit.

I made a lot more cuts on my arms, then sat down in the tub and started attacking my thighs. The water burned as it rained down on me, causing bright red rivers to cascade off of me into the tub. I watched the pink water swirl down the drain as I rested my head on the bathroom tile. I closed my eyes, just wanting to rest for a minute, to stop thinking for a minute, but I knew too many minutes were passing. My cuts were screaming at me, an alarm to get up and fix this, but I just ignored them. The pounding of the water hitting the tub lulled me to sleep. A deep, comforting sleep...