Falling Out of Line

I couldn't say anything to Lewis. Whatever came to my head was either too stupid to say, or just didn't feel right. So when he glared at me and stormed away from me down the sidewalk, I was still trying to think of ways to fix this, what had happened between us. I'm not sure if there is a way.

For a moment, I honestly thought Lewis might be better off without me by his side - he wouldn't get so much attention if I weren't around, or at least that's what he told me. But it's gotten worse. The jocks were never that mean to him before. I thought getting thrown in the dumpster only happened in fake teen movies.

When I saw his face, he looked so defeated, like he had completely given up on fighting back. I never knew it was this bad for him.

I feel like it's my job to protect him but... I don't know how.

Slowly, I made my way back to the school, debating whether I felt like going to soccer practice with those assholes. I didn't even want to join any sports team - I'm not good at sports - but between pressure from the popular kids and having no other group that I fit in with, I figured it would be easiest to join a team.

I stood a few feet in front of the locker room, still not sure whether or not to go in, when I saw someone charging at me from down the hallway. I saw it was Naran once he got closer.

When he reached me, he shoved me into the wall. His face was inches from mine and his glare practically sliced through my skull. I'd never seen him so pissed off before. Usually, he looks so...neutral.

"Are you fucking stupid?" He shouted.

"Huh?"

"You let them do that him? You actually stood back and let Lewis get terrorized by those knuckle-dragging, unwashed jock-strap sporting bigots?!"

"I-"

"I thought you were his friend, but lately, you've been a really selfish asshole."

"I-"

"Lewis looks up to you. He-" he paused and sighed, stepping back from me. I just stared at him, not moving from my spot on the wall as he pinched the brim of his nose and shut his eyes tightly. "You don't realize the impact you've had on him, do you?"

He looked at me. I struggled to find words, a really big problem for me today. "I... what are you talking about?"

"Don't you see how different he is when he's around you? How everything he does now is dependent on what you want to do? Your presence has consumed maybe 70% of his life, and you're too busy with your head caught in your sports jersey to notice."

"Look, I know you and Lewis are friends-"

"Best friends. I was all he had before you showed up. But you're the most important person in his life right now," he narrowed his eyes, "and I bet you don't even know what's wrong with him."

"What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with Lewis. There's something wrong with everybody that picks on him!"

He shook his head. "You don't even get it..."

"Then tell me. Help me get it."

He looked up at me. "Why? So you can abandon him again? I've done all I can to pick up the pieces every time Lewis falls apart, but that's not enough. I can't help him like he needs it. I've tried, but I just can't help him. He needs more than me. That's why I was glad that you became friends with him. He was happier and he was talking to you. It was obvious that you were good for him. You were helping him, more than I ever could. But you just dropped the ball. You gave up on him, and now I don't think I can be of any help at all. He barely even talks to me anymore..." His voice quieted down.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Naran, but I don't know what you expect from me. I wanted to help too, but I don't see how I've helped at all. He always got bullied when I was around. He just wanted to get through high school unnoticed, and I practically pushed him in front of the assholes. He's better off without me."

"Do you honestly believe that? Have you seen what he's been going through lately?"

"I helped him out of the dumpster-"

"Not just the dumpster, you idiot. God, it's like you just bumble around here with your eyes closed." I glared at him. "Lewis would hate me for telling you this, but I don't see any other way of getting it through your thick skull. He likes you. A lot."

"What... what do you mean?"

"He's in love with you, dumbass."

Everything stopped. The chatter from the locker room, Naran's scolding, everything.

He's in love with you.

The words planted themselves firmly in my brain, and I couldn't ignore how my heart sped up and my body burned. My face was probably bright red. And that familiar feeling of nausea came flooding back, the same feeling I had when I was at Lewis's house... and I had checked out his ass.

I can't even handle the idea of me being... being... liking a guy like that.

But Lewis...

Lewis was in love with me?

"...That's why he's been jumping through hoops just to please you."

"I don't... I don't believe you. He would have said something."

"Do you honestly think the gay boy pretending to date his best friend to help him be popular would admit that he likes you? You're more stupid than I thought."

"Shut up! He doesn't... why would he do it, then? Why agree to all this if he knew it wouldn't mean anything? Wouldn't that only hurt him more?"

He shrugged. "I didn't think it was a good idea, but it's not like he listens to me anymore. And you're right, it hasn't been easy on him, but I think he liked just being with you at all. He took whatever he could get out of you."

This didn't make sense. All this time, Lewis had feelings for me. And every fake date, every hug, every pet name...

and the kiss.

Oh god, the kiss.

I can't even imagine what that did to him. I know I was going crazy, but that was because... I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

Since the kiss happened, I had wanted to push all my feelings of doubt aside to the dark, dusty corners of my mind, with old foster home memories. I didn't want to think about it. Everyone I was close to was gay, and I didn't want to think about me possibly having feelings for my guy best friend, so I ignored it. But now... he likes me. And it wasn't weird for us when we were pretending to date. Sure, people were assholes, but it was the same people who always have been and always will be assholes. Really, it felt like we were just close friends. It felt... nice. It's still way weird to think about it, but there are so many thoughts running through my head now that I know.

Reality sank in. "But he hates me now."

"There's no way he could hate you."

"You didn't see the look in his eyes. He doesn't want anything to do with me now."

"Are you seriously moping right now? I should kick your ass."

"What?! You just told me-" I realized we were practically shouting and lowered my voice. "You just told me that my best friend is in love with me when not five minutes ago he told me to fuck off. Am I not supposed to be upset right now?

"Are you upset because he's mad at you, or because you probably won't be able to woo him?"

I gave him a questioning look. "Woo him?"

"Don't ignore my question. Why should it matter if he doesn't have a crush on you anymore? You're straight, remember?"

I couldn't meet his eyes. I honestly didn't know what I was anymore. Actually, I never really knew. I've never been anything at all before I came to Cranbrook. Now I'm covered in labels and I'm not sure any of them fit me at all.

"Why are you nagging me? You've been a better friend to him, and you seem to know everything about him. Why aren't you going off to help him?"

"I told you, I don't know how. He's been going through a lot of shit and it's gotten to the point where I can't do anything but ask him to get professional help. Do you know how painful it is to sit by and watch your best friend get attacked daily, and then he acts like it doesn't even bother him? I know he's breaking on the inside, but he's still trying to look strong so I won't worry about him. He can't keep doing this on his own. And I can't... I just can't fix him. Me, the brain, the genius, his best friend, can't even help him."

"I still think you'd do better than what I've done."

"Look, we could go back and forth, but the point is, Lewis needs both of us right now. So, are you going to help him?"

Lewis needs my help. After all I've put him through, I owe it to him to treat him like a good friend should.

"I... I'll do my best."

But I don't think my best is good enough.

**

I followed Naran to the parking lot.

"So, how are we going to help him?" I asked as I tried to follow him to his car.

"We're going to go talk to him."

I stopped. "But he doesn't want to talk to me."

"That's why we're going to do all the talking."

"But what about- You can't expect me to face him after what you just told me!"

"His crush on you should be the least of your worries." I heard his sarcasm.

I rolled my eyes. "What should I be worried about then?"

He unlocked the car and we both got in. After he put the keys in the ignition, he sighed and said, "I'm always worried about Lewis, for billions of reasons. There's never one thing that's causing his problems that you could just erase. It's always a bunch of things that only weigh him down, and most of the time I can't even tell when he's trying to handle so many things on his own."

He started the car and drove out of the parking lot.

"Okay, well, maybe start naming some of the problems and we could think of ways to address them."

"That's not going to accomplish anything."

"Well at least I'm trying. I've got no idea what's going on with Lewis but you, Mr. Know-it-all, act like you've completely given up."

"Don't you think I've been trying everything I could think of?! Therapy, pills, telling a teacher, telling his family, fighting off the bullies myself - it either doesn't work or he won't try. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped."

"But you said that he needs us. If he won't let us in, then we'll just have to shove our way in."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well right now, Lewis doesn't want to talk to me, but I'm going with you to see him anyway so we can work things out. Even if he doesn't want us to help him, it should be okay to help him anyway even if it makes him mad. Even if he won't admit it, he knows he needs help, and I don't know, maybe we'll actually make things better."

"You're weirdly optimistic all of a sudden."

"Well, if you're gonna start moping, then I guess I've got to make sure we do this."

"I'm not moping. I just don't see how doing the same things I've tried are going to make any difference this time."

"This time, you've got help. Maybe it didn't work before because you didn't have someone to back you up, but that's what I'm going to do."

For the first time, I think Naran actually smiled at me. Well, he kept his eyes on the road, but he was smiling, and that was rare.

"If you don't mind my asking, do you... happen to like Lewis?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What? No? He's my best friend, and I care about him, but I don't like him like that."

"Oh."

"Why? Afraid of some competition?" He smirked.

I glared at him and punched him in the arm, making the car jerk to the left a bit but then he straightened out.

"No, I was just wondering because you seem so attached to him."

"Well, you would be too if he was your only friend."

I never thought about Naran having other friends. I guess I just assumed that he did but he hung out with Lewis because they were best friends.

"So why do get so... possessive of him sometimes?"

"I'm not possessive," he frowned. "I'm protective. Cranbrook is crawling with assholes just waiting to pick on him, and I know how rough he's had it at his other school. Then there's his family who don't even pay attention to him, and... well, like I said, there's a lot of stuff to worry about."

"I still don't feel like you're telling me everything. I know he's had a shitty time with schools, and I didn't know about his parents but I already knew they were rarely home. Most parents are clueless, but if you wanted to, you could have complained to the principal about how Lewis is being treated. What else are you worried about?"

He gripped the steering wheel and turned onto Lewis's block.

"I've already told you too much. He'll kill me for telling you about his crush. I don't want to say anything else."

I wasn't done interrogating him, but we were in front of Lewis's house already.

I questioned Naran when he bent down to the side of the porch instead of knocking on the door, but I got my answer when he retrieved a key and unlocked the door.

"Shouldn't we knock first?" I asked.

"They're used to me over here. Besides, it's only his sisters."

I remembered the last time I came over and his sisters were screaming their heads off, and Lewis just walked past them like it happened every day. I mean, I don't know how girls are with each other, but he looked so tired of having to live with that all the time. He almost never talks about them. It's like he tries to forget that they exist. Come to think of it, he doesn't talk about his family at all. At first I thought he didn't talk about them because the topic of "family" was a bit awkward since I had been an orphan most of my life, but he's usually so animated about everything else. I wonder what it's like for him living here. On the outside, everything looks normal.

Naran led the way upstairs as if he lived here. We stood in front of Lewis's room and Naran knocked twice.

"Lewis? You okay?" Naran called through the door. No answer. "Lewis, they-" he looked at me. "They're just assholes. They always will be. But you're better than them. You're gonna make it out of here and you're gonna be able to forget all about them. In the meantime, you've got me and you've got other friends that I bet you don't even realize are there for you. Can I come in?" Again, no answer.

"Lewis?" Naran called again. He turned the door knob and let himself in. Cautiously, I followed him.

Lewis's backpack was sitting on the floor, so he was home, but we didn't see him. Naran looked over to the bathroom, and then I heard running water. He walked over to the door.

"Lew?" Naran knocked on the door. "Lewis, are you in there?" The water was the only sound coming from the bathroom. "Lewis! Lewis, can you hear me?" He pounded on the door. After another moment of silence, Naran started to panic. "Something's wrong." He tried twisting the door knob a few times. "The door's locked, I can't get in."

"Maybe he wants his privacy-"

"Tyler, can you not be stupid for ten seconds, please?!"

I almost retaliated, but his distressed look told me this was serious, so I went over to help him. He gave up on trying the knob and looked around the room frantically.

"Is there anyone here with an extra key?" I asked.

"No, there's no key. It just locks on the inside."

"Let's just try to break it down." I said. He looked at me, as if he still didn't trust me, but I guess he decided it was our best option right now.

We backed up a few feet from the door, and on the count of three, we rammed the door with our shoulders. My arm was starting to hurt, but Naran wasn't letting up, so we slammed against it five more times before the door swung open and I tumbled into Naran, nearly knocking us both on the floor. Naran caught himself from falling by grabbing the sink and I steadied myself on the door frame. And then we both saw him. Lewis, lying in the tub, lifeless.

"SHIT!" Naran bolted over to the tub. He wrapped his hands around Lewis's underarms and hoisted him out of the tub, revealing the bloody cuts all over his arms and legs. I fought back the bile rising in my throat. Naran shouted at me to call 911, but I couldn't move.

"Tyler, call a fucking ambulance!!"

I finally tore my eyes away from the gory scene and took out my phone, dialing as fast as my trembling fingers could.

**

They wouldn't let us ride in the ambulance with him, so we sped to the hospital in Naran's car. The ride there was understandably silent, and it felt like hours instead of minutes to get there. Lewis was rushed to the emergency room. Again, we weren't allowed to go with him. We were directed to a waiting room. Naran walked off. I don't know if Lewis's parents know what's happened by now. I've never even seen them before, and I don't know if Naran would have their numbers. I called Cory and Sean and told them what happened. Sean still had work, Cory was already on his way here.

I looked around the waiting room. They all seemed so... calm. I didn't know if these were people waiting to be checked in, or people waiting for news about a loved one. But they all had neutral expressions, as if this was just daily life for them. How often do things like this happen? How often is somebody rushed to the hospital and nobody bats an eye. For the doctors and nurses, I guess this is routine stuff, but everybody else? How are they not freaking out right now about what's going to happen? How can they be so okay with shit threatening to explode all the time?

Lewis was upset. He was sad and angry, and he was brave. He put up with all his bullies, all of the assholes. Including me. It was routine for him to feel the way he did and deal with getting crap from everyone, but he smiled through it anyway. Is this how we react to pain? Just try to ignore it?

I knew he was in trouble. I knew he was suffering. Sure, I didn't realize it was this bad, but... it was bad enough. I should have done something more. I should have been there for him. I should have looked out for him. I shouldn't have let this happen. How could I not see that he was smiling through the pain this whole time?

"Tyler? Tyler!" Cory spotted me and embraced me in a hug before I could react. He kissed me on the cheek, a sign of affection that I still wasn't used to but appreciated anyway. "Baby, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm not the one to worry about." I said.

He frowned and wrapped me up in a tighter hug. "Sean's gonna be home as soon as he can. He's sorry he's not here now. Oh," he sighed, " I can't believe you had to see him like that."

The image flashed inside my head. Lewis, his eyes closed, skin pale, cuts littering his body, and all that blood dripping... coating his body... crimson smeared all over the tile... all the water, a sickening red...

I pushed myself out of Cory's arms and ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach. I hated throwing up. It always left me breathless and with a headache and I never know why.

I sighed, flushed the toilet, and slid down to sit on the floor against the restroom stall.

Why? That's all I could ask was why. Why did this happen? Why did it happen to him? Why didn't Lewis tell me how upset he was? Why didn't I see how upset he was before? Why did I let those guys pick on him so much? Why did I put Lewis in the center of their attention? Why was I such a bad friend?

I remember Lewis telling me that I could be friends with anybody that I wanted to at school, that I could be popular if I really wanted to. He offered to stop hanging out with me, to stop being my friend so that I would have a chance at being one of the cool kids. I thought he was insane. Lewis was - is - my best friend. I've never been closer to anyone before. Aside from getting adopted by Cory and Sean, meeting Lewis is the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I was going to throw that all away because of homophobic assholes at school. And I thought he would be better off if I wasn't there. God, how fucking stupid of me. He needs me. And... I need him.

I think it's time to just accept that Lewis and I are meant to stand together, and no dumb ass is going to stop us.

I finished in the restroom and went back over to Cory. When I got closer to him, I saw that he was crying. He looked up at me as I stood in front of him. I saw how worried he was, not just about Lewis, but the way he stared at me... like it could have been me in the hospital. He was worried about me. I don't talk to Sean and Cory enough. I haven't felt really close to them yet, and it's been months since they adopted me. They're my parents. They love me, and they care about me. I'm so fucking lucky to have them, and I've been shutting them out. The thing is, I don't know what to expect from a "family" anymore. I still can't understand why they chose me out of all the other kids, but they saw something in me that they wanted to bring into their family. Them and Lewis see something in me that I don't.

"Cory, I know I haven't talked to you about, well, anything, but I want you to know that I'm really glad you're my dad. Well, one of them."

He smiled, face still wet with tears, and brought me into another hug.

"I love you so much." He rubbed my back.

"I know," a lump formed in my throat. "I love you, too."

"Please, if anything is ever bothering you, let me know. Sean and I are here for you."

"I... I know."

It was time for me to start talking. I had to tell them what I just learned about myself. Why was I so scared?

Naran came back and interrupted our little family moment.

"The doctor said Lewis isn't seriously hurt. He'll get stitched up and receive blood, but he should be fine in a day or two."

"Can we see him now?"

"No, he's still being cared for. They called his parents. The hospital wants to put him on suicide watch. They don't think he should leave yet."

"Well, what do his parents have to say?"

"I don't know. They're busy people."

I frowned. "What do you mean they're busy people? They're his parents. Shouldn't they have some concerns?"

Naran didn't even look at me to respond. "They have a complicated relationship."

"I know all about dysfunctional families, Naran, so don't give me this 'you wouldn't understand' crap. Obviously, you know more about Lewis than I do, okay? Can you at least tell me what's going on with him?"

He frowned and looked away. I glared at him.

"Fine. Keep it to yourself. It's not really protecting Lewis to keep secrets, now, is it?"

"He wouldn't have wanted you to know-"

"Well you know what," I stood in front of him. "I don't care! Lewis is in the hospital, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have even known what was wrong. If I didn't follow you to his house, do you think I would have found out what happened? He's not telling me these things and I need to know what's going on with him. How am I supposed to look after him if... if I don't even know what I'm dealing with."

He turned to me, and gave me a real hard look in the eye. "Don't you think I want to tell you everything? I've been keeping his secrets for as long as I've known him. I've sworn to him that I wouldn't tell anybody. He's made me promise not to tell. I don't want to ruin our friendship by breaking my promise."

"Yeah, but Naran, some secrets aren't meant to be kept. I mean, you're not really helping him by hiding this from everybody. If he's in pain, if he's suffering, then you need to tell somebody so they can help. If you tell someone and they don't listen, find somebody else. You can't keep doing this for him. You're not really protecting him from anyone if he's hurting himself too."

He didn't say anything. He just gave me one last look before walking away down a corridor.

Cory stood up and put a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe we should go home. Sean should be back by now. We can deal with this as a family."

I nodded and followed him to the car. After we got in and buckled up, Cory turned to me and smiled.

"Lewis is so lucky to have you and Naran as friends."

I frowned. "But I've been a terrible friend to him. He hurt himself because of me."

"You didn't cause all of that. I think Lewis has some other problems that he's going to need help sorting out, and I know you'll be there for him. You don't know how important it is to have a couple of loyal friends by your side."

I looked at him as he started the car. I knew he and Sean had been together all their lives. I can't begin to imagine how strong their bond must be.

"Cory?" He looked at me for a moment. "You've known Sean your entire life. But when did you fall in love with him? What changed in your friendship?"

He thought for a moment before laughing.

"Sean got drunk at a party one night and kissed me and our best friend Zephrinity. He basically confessed his love for me that night. I thought it was just the alcohol talking. But lately, I had been feeling a bit... different, about how I viewed guys. I wasn't sure that I was gay, but one day in class, I realized that if I were ever going to have feelings for my own sex, it would be for Sean. And then it just clicked. These feelings I was having were because of Sean, indirectly. Well, once I knew that, I made Zephy cut class with me to drive me to Sean's house - he had been avoiding me after the kiss - and I practically dragged him out of bed. And I - oh god, I must have looked like a lunatic! I threw clothes at him and made him come to school with us, and then forced him to tell me who he liked. Oh my god," he hit his head against the steering wheel - good thing we were stopped.

I held back laughter. "So wait, you forced him out of his room, and out of the closet?"

"I just didn't think that it was fair for him to kiss me and then avoid me for three days! We had already kissed once before and I could barely wrap my mind around it! And you can't get Sean to talk about anything - you have to drag answers out of him like he's being tortured."

I let out a bark of laughter. "Why did you have drag it out of him? Couldn't you just wait for him to tell you?!"

He sighed and smiled at me. "I wanted to know how he felt about me so that I could figure out if I felt the same way. I'd never even thought about a guy before, and all of the sudden I was kissing one? And my best friend at that? I wasn't sure if it was just brotherly bond or something more that I kept feeling, and it was driving me nuts to have to think about it every second."

"So you wanted to know if you were really in love with him?"

"No... the thought of love hadn't even crossed my mind. Not until... his dad. Sean's had issues with his dad ever since his mom died. And around the time Sean and I started dating, his dad became physically and verbally abusive. Sean would just disappear sometimes and not respond to my calls or messages, and it killed me not knowing what had happened to him. He even ran away from home and he wouldn't talk to me and I just..."

His voice was getting choked up. I was sorry I brought it up now.

"After finding out what he was going through, and realizing the possibility of losing him..."

I felt that familiar wave of nausea and my heart sped up. Because I knew. "That's when you knew you were in love with him."