Falling Out of Line

Sunday evening, Naran and I were studying for our history exam. The test wasn't until Wednesday, but I still had catching up to do for all the days of school I missed while I was recovering. And it also gave me a distraction from what was going through my head. Naran was right - I needed to ease up off Tyler and focus on myself. I didn't want to jeopardize my senior year when it was my ticket out of here.

The door bell rang and I knew nobody was gonna answer it, so I headed downstairs.

I opened the door to see Tyler's parents standing on my porch.

"Lewis! Hi!" Cory practically barked in my face. I've never seen him so... agitated. "Sorry to just drop in unannounced like this, I mean it's not like we're visiting or anything, but I mean you might have some more... pressing matters to... worry about..."

Sean wrapped his arms around Cory, who then melted into sobs.

"Sorry to bother you Lewis-"

"No, no, it's fine. Are you guys okay?" I gestured for them to come inside.

Seated on the couch, Cory regained his composure and locked his red, tear-stained eyes with mine. "We were wondering if you had any idea where Tyler was," he sniffled.

Naran heard the commotion I guess and came down the stairs, but I quickly waved him away. I didn't understand what was going on, but it'd probably be better if I just explained to Naran later.

"Uh no, I haven't seen him. Last I heard from him... well, we talked on the phone on Friday."

"You talked to him? What did he say?" Cory asked.

"Well, it wasn't really talking, so much as yelling. We got in a fight when we were trying to talk about the fight we got in during school. We've just been having issues talking to each other. I get that it's hard for him to accept what happened to me, but it's like he doesn't even want to admit that it happened, and I can't do that. So we fought, and he hung up on me and that was the last I had heard of him."

I had felt anger creep up on me, but when I saw Sean and Cory look at each other, I knew that wasn't the answer they were looking for.

"Is... is something wrong with Tyler" I asked.

Sean spoke up. "We haven't seen him since Friday."

"He came home from school and he was just livid. He kept asking why we had adopted him and saying we could have given him up if we wanted to, which of course we didn't want to. We haven't talked about his adoption in five months. Why would he bring that up all of a sudden?" Cory's voice choked at the end.

"I don't know. Tyler... Tyler always talked about how he didn't fit in, and I thought he was crazy 'cause he's so good at fitting in. I guess it just couldn't get through to him."

Sean rubbed Cory's arm and the two sank into each other. They were clearly concerned about Tyler and they loved him a lot, but I don't think Tyler understood this.

I shouldn't have called him a charity case, but it's so difficult to talk to him and try to help him when he only focuses on the bad things that have happened in his life. I know I'm one to talk, but out of everything that Tyler's told me, I think he actually has everything he said he always wanted. So maybe there's something else he wants that he's just now starting to figure out.

"Maybe he's just trying to figure stuff out in his head. I'm sure he'll be home soon. Have you called the police?"

"Yes. They didn't seem too concerned since he's almost 18." Cory said.

"I'm sure he'll be home soon. He knows you guys love him," I tried to console them.

"He hasn't fallen in with a bad crowd, has he?" Cory asked.

"Other than the jocks at school? No. They're jerks but they aren't criminals."

"Well, thank you Lewis. We should probably wait for Tyler at home. Let us know if you hear anything?" Sean stood up.

"Of course. And you let me know if you hear anything too."

They nodded and left, the door quietly clicking shut.

"What was that about?" Naran came back down the stairs.

"Tyler's missing."

"For real?"

"Yeah, his parents haven't seen him since Friday."

"You mean he left after you guys had that fight?"

"I guess so. I didn't know he was that upset, or else I wouldn't have been so hard on him."

"Don't feel bad. He needed a wake-up call."

I frowned. Naran wasn't completely wrong, but Tyler obviously needed somebody to be there for him and that wasn't me. Naran would say he wasn't there for me either, but it's not about who does a better job of being a friend. Sometimes you just need to be a friend even when you know it won't come back to you 50-50. Besides, I know Naran isn't really mad at Tyler. They both saved my life, but Naran says Tyler was kinda shook up about the whole thing, which I understand. It's not easy for anyone to handle depression. It's hard for the sufferer, but also hard for the people who don't know how to handle it. I'm kind of afraid that Tyler might wind up where I am if he doesn't get help.

**

Tyler wasn't at school on Monday. That didn't help the gossip that was going around. People were saying that Tyler and I got in a fight, which is true, but they meant a fist fight. There were other rumors going around, but most of them were about how we were... having relationship issues. I'm not gonna lie - I still have feelings for Tyler, and it wasn't fun hearing people critique our fake relationship.

Naran was right. I would end up hurt pretending to be Tyler's boyfriend. I just didn't think it would have ended so badly between us.

Naran found me at my locker after school. "Mrs. Govorski blew her computer again and she said I could have it. Wanna help me build a scrap robot? We can pit it against R3 in a cage fight and then rebuild a superior model from their wrecked carcasses."

I closed my locker. "Stop trying to cheer me up. I'm really worried about Tyler."

"Are you sure this isn't just your emotions talking?"

"And so what if it is? What's wrong with listening to my heart?"

"Nothing, but it's gotten you into trouble before. I understand you're worried about Tyler-"

"Do you really understand? Because you've done nothing but talk down to me and badmouth Tyler this whole time."

"I'm just trying to protect you."

"From what? From Tyler? Tyler is not the problem. If you haven't noticed, this sort of shit followed me around before Tyler showed up. So don't use him as an excuse."

"Look, you want me to tell the truth?" He stared me down.

"...Yes. If you can't even be honest with me, I don't see why I should listen to you."

"Fine. I don't think Tyler's good enough for you. He's not even brave enough to admit to himself that he's gay, and now he's run off instead of facing his problems head on. He's a coward and he needs to learn to grow up if really wants to find what will make him happy."

"And I'm guessing you haven't told that to Tyler."

He scoffed. "As if the bonehead would listen."

"So why are you telling me this? If you don't think he's gonna change, and you know my feelings are hard to change, then what exactly do you think is going to change?"

For once, he didn't have a snarky comeback.

"I know you're just looking out for me because you're a good friend. But Tyler's our friend too, and right now he needs us, even if he's too stupid to realize that. I'm gonna be there for him, and I hope you'll help me."

He didn't say anything to that either, but he knew I was making a good point. He rolled his eyes and stuck out his hand. I shook it with a grin. Naran cares about Tyler or else he wouldn't spend so much time to call him stupid. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but trust me. He nags because he cares. I know he's willing to help me help Tyler help himself. It's gonna be a lot of work, but I'm willing to work for him.

But first we've got to find him.

**

By Thursday, Tyler still hadn't shown his face. Calling him was useless because his phone went straight to voice-mail. People started assuming Tyler had transferred, but the teachers who still had him on the roster were getting concerned too. I know Cory and Sean were worried sick. The police still didn't have anything, and there wasn't anything we could think to do other than plaster his face on milk cartons.

Naran suggested printing up Missing Person's flyers and posting them around town. I know he doesn't think it'll work, but I'd feel better trying than just sitting around waiting for something to happen.

I was copying flyers under Mrs. Govorski's supervision in the English department. Normally, students don't get access to copiers even with teacher supervision, but Mrs. Govorski understands it's to help a student, and she's just pretty understanding in general. I thanked Mrs. Govorski when I was done and left the English department with copies in hand. That's when I ran into Jacob.

"Lewis! Hey... how you holding up?"

"Um, not really sure. Not really sure how to feel right now."

He looked at the flyers in my hand. "So Tyler's really missing?"

I nodded. "His parents have no idea where he is."

"Geez, I hope he's alright. Do you want any help hanging flyers?"

"Yeah sure, that's be great."

Jacob rounded up a few of his guys and together with Naran and I, we covered the neighborhood.

Jacob held a stack of flyers while I tore off strips of tape. Naran and the others were further down the block. We were working quickly, and some of the local businesses were even kind enough to let us put flyers in their windows.

I stuck a strip of tape to my thumb as Jacob grabbed another flyer and held it up to the streetlight pole.

"So," he began as I taped the flyer in place, "Any leads on where he might be?"

I let the roll of tape slide back onto my wrist. "No. Tyler pretty much just hung out with Naran and I, or he was home with his parents as far as I knew."

"Well," he shuffled the flyers in his hands, "Maybe he went to lay low at a friend's house."

I shook my head. "Tyler doesn't have any other friends."

"How would you know that for sure? You guys couldn't have been his only friends."

"He hasn't been here that long. He doesn't have any neighborhood friends or anything, and besides Naran and I, he didn't hang out with anybody from school." I know that probably sounded weird to Jacob, but it was true. And I couldn't tell him that Tyler was adopted - Tyler didn't want people to know that and it wasn't my secret to tell. "I mean, maybe he did hang out with the jocks for a little bit, but I doubt they would let him stay with them for this long without anybody knowing. He wasn't really level with Jordan and them, you know?"

He nodded. There wasn't much to say besides that, so we moved on to the next pole that Naran and them hadn't covered yet across the street. Waiting for the light to change at the crosswalk, I checked out Jacob. He seemed genuinely concerned about Tyler. It wasn't weird that he was - Jacob was a pretty genuine person. But he seemed more invested that I thought he would be. Offering to help hang flyers wasn't out of the ordinary for him, but every time Jacob talked to me, he asked about Tyler. It's not like Jacob and Tyler actually hung out together or anything, so it was just weird that he would always mention Tyler.

"Hey Jacob, why do you only talk about Tyler when you talk to me?"

He looked at me from under his tattered baseball cap. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, whenever you talk to me, we only talk about Tyler."

"I just thought... I mean there isn't much else on my mind right now. He is missing, after all."

"No, I mean before all this. I mean when Tyler and I were dating, and after we broke up, or when he had just started hanging out with me. Whenever you decided to talk to me, it was only about what new development there was with Tyler."

He looked away just as the light changed and started off across the street. I fully expected him to drop the conversation after we got across the street, but he stopped me from heading to the next light post.

"I'm gonna sound like a jerk for saying this, but I wanted to make sure that Tyler was keeping an eye on you because I felt I couldn't do it myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when we used to hang, you and me? It never felt right. We never really clicked. It's not your fault or nothing. Some people just don't click right, and that was us. So we started going our separate ways, but I felt bad about it. 'Cause I knew you were still getting picked on but you told me it wasn't my fight to fight. So when Tyler showed up and started being nice to you, I was kinda hoping he'd take my place since you let him get close to you and all."

"You thought he'd be my new body guard or something?"

"No, Lewis." He sighed. "It isn't always about trying to protect you from the world, Lewis. Sometimes people just wanna protect you from yourself."

"That's not possible, Jacob."

"Maybe not, but you still let me try at some point, didn't you?"

I stared at my shoes. We hadn't talked about that in a while.

"You don't have to feel like you owe me."

"I don't feel that way. Not really. But I still care about you, right?"

He lifted the brim of his hat and leaned in, pressing his lips to mine. I didn't think this would happen again for us, but it wasn't deep or lustful or experimental. Jacob and I, we tried it before, but it didn't work. I feel like we ended with me saying he was bi and him saying he just wanted to be himself, and himself wasn't into labels. I think he was just a little uncomfortable at the time, and we really didn't work that well together, so it was a pretty mutual split between us. So this kiss, while unexpected, wasn't serious. It was a sign that he cared, even if we just couldn't click. It was genuine.

He pulled back and fit his hat back where it usually sat on his head. He had a stupid half smile, something he only let crack after I smiled to let him know I was okay. I kinda wish Jacob and I could have worked out. It would have made things so much simpler for me.

We plastered the town with flyers. It was getting late, so Jacob and his friends kept whatever flyers they still had left to put up on their way home.

"Did you wanna hang out tonight or something?" Naran asked.

"No, not really in the mood for it now. Maybe tomorrow or something."

"It's cool. No pressure. You want a ride home?"

"No, I think I'm just gonna walk, clear my head or whatever it is people do in the movies when they go for a walk."

"Okay, just don't end up in one of those horror movies."

"You know I'd never last in those."

He laughed and headed toward his car.

I still had a handful of flyers, so I tried to wander to a part of town we hadn't covered. At least, I used that as my excuse for wandering aimlessly. My feet would have been tired at this point if I were paying any attention to them. Streetlights glowed a familiar orange on the sidewalks and the wind chill was biting me, but every time I stopped inside a place to warm up, it didn't feel right. I guess I couldn't make myself go home until I felt like I had satisfied my wanderlust.

I stood under a streetlight for a while, just trying to think of my next move, when I recognize a pebbled path in front of me. It was the park I went to as a kid. Then it dawned on me.

This was the park I took Tyler to. The park where he almost kissed me. The Octopus's Garden.

It was a rare chance in hell, I knew it. In fact, it'd be stupid if he was here, but that didn't stop me from sprinting to the hunched over tree that was my old hideout.

The cold was sharply scraping against my lungs. I slowed, but still ran the last few feet to the tree in front of me hugged it's curvy trunk. My chest was heaving against my winter jacket and my feet were finally telling me how stupid I was for walking for so long. I gave in and fell on my ass to the cold ground, resting my head against the rough bark for a few minutes.

"Lewis?"

I was right. He was stupid.