Falling Out of Line

"Lewis?!"

Tyler emerged from the tree's curtain of branches. He looked absolutely stunned to see me, almost like he didn't believe I was real.

It was a slim chance that he would've come here. The fact that he even remembered this place from the time I brought him here and thought about something to important to me when the last time we talked, I bitched him out, was so affable I almost forgave him on the spot.

But instead, I tore into him.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me! I have been running all over town plastering posters of your face on every pole I came across, and you've been down here playing hide n' seek in my favorite place?! I can't believe you! Half the school thinks you've gone off and committed suicide because of me, not to mention Jacob probably thinks I'm some pathetic headcase for obsessing over you when all you do is drive me away. Oh, and your parents have been worried sick! Do you have any idea how insensitive you can be? Do you even realize what you do to the people around you? Does it even fucking matter to you at all?!"

I was seething. All of the anger and bile I had kept bottled up around Tyler, only letting a little out whenever Naran was willing to hear it, had just exploded. Normally, the last thing I would do is scream at Tyler like this. Not just because I'm too pathetic to tell him what I really feel, but because he's obviously going through some shit that he needs help with. But I just ripped into him like newspaper. And I was still pissed! The worst part was he wasn't even saying anything. I almost wanted him to talk just so I could rip into him some more.

"Well?!" I prompted him.

"Lewis, I'm so-... Lewis, I can't- I can't-"

"Can't fucking what?"

Split second movement, he lunged at me.

Everything came to a grinding halt.

Tyler was kissing me. Tyler was willingly kissing me. And he meant it, too.

His hands had grabbed hold of my head to keep me still, but now they softened their grip to slide back through my hair. His lips were firm and determined, like they wanted to search for something, but they remained almost glued in place, hardly moving. It was like he was so zoned in on going through with this kiss that he was afraid of fucking it up by moving at all. And I was just as paralyzed.

When he finally pulled away, his hands fell back to his sides. His eyes were laser-focused on mine and his breathing was ragged. All of my emotions felt jagged sharp. I was still reeling from anger that I couldn't even figure out how to react.

"Lewis," he spoke, his breath still heavy. "I... I've been wanting to do that since we rushed you to the hospital. I'm sorry if that wasn't okay."

Before I knew what was happening, I threw a punch. My fist socked him in the eye. The leftover force sent me sailing forward into the tree. When I recovered my footing, I saw Tyler just standing there, covering his face.

"Lewis..."

Something in me switched. I launched forward and started slamming my fists into his chest. He was barely knocked back but he just letting hit him again and again until I wore myself out. He hugged me to his chest and we just stood there, breathing heavily until we both calmed down.

**

I don't know how, but we just sort of ended up at Coldstone's. Neither of us really seemed to be hungry or in the mood for ice cream, but we both got a scoop and sat a table, silently picking at our ice cream.

I was the first to break the ice. "Sorry for... assaulting you back there."

"Sorry for... assaulting you first, I guess."

I scoffed. "I would hardly call that assault."

"You seemed mad that I did it."

"I was mad because I've been waiting months for you to do that, and then you finally decided to kiss me right in the middle of me yelling at you. Do you know how hard it is to stay angry at someone when they kiss you like that?"

He chewed his lip. I saw the premature signs of a bruise already forming around Tyler's left eye. That was not going to be pretty in the morning.

"Sorry," he muttered before going back to playing with his ice cream.

"Tyler," I sighed. "I wasn't angry at you for kissing me. I was angry at you for fighting with me and disappearing on me and then totally tilting my emotions mid-rant. I just had a lot of pent-up anger I needed to get out, and I just sort of took it out of you. I shouldn't have done that, but I'm glad I got it out, because I think we both have some things we need to talk about."

He nodded. "Should... Do you want me to start?"

"I can talk if that's more comfortable for you."

He shook his head. "No amount of this will be comfortable for me, it doesn't really matter," he paused after seeing the look I gave him. "I'll just go ahead. I've realized that... I really care about you, in a way that's... more than a friend should.... I mean... I really like you and I don't really know how to..."

He was floundering. I grabbed his hand from across the table and gave him a smile. He relaxed a bit and took my other hand.

"Lewis, I've never come out before. I don't know what I'm doing."

I couldn't help but laugh. "It's not like I'll be super surprised. I'm not any different from any one else you've had feelings for before. Just tell me how you feel."

"But that's just it. You are different, and this is different. I don't really know what I'm feeling or why."

"Why don't we break it down like this: when I was yelling at you earlier, how did you feel?"

He thought for a minute, staring down at the table. "I felt shocked at first, then a bit guilty, then I just kinda stopped and focused on you. I mean, you yelling, I guess."

"And when I stopped yelling, how did you feel?"

"The same. And when you wanted me to say something, I just had so much running through my head that nothing sounded right. There was so much I wanted to say to you that I couldn't pick the right words."

"So then, that's when you decided to kiss me?"

"No, I didn't really decide anything. It just kind of happened. Like an impulse. A good impulse. I'm glad my body did what my brain was too slow to do." He smiled at me.

I tried not to blush. This wasn't about me or how I felt right now. This was about helping Tyler deal with whatever he was going through. "Okay, and then how did you feel when you did it?"

"I felt... scared. And relieved. And good. It mostly felt... good."

"Do you feel like if you had another chance, you would have found the right words to say?"

He looked up from the table and frowned at me. "I already did."

"Huh?"

"Lewis, I don't know what you felt when I kissed you, but I know that was the most intelligent way for me to say what I wanted to say and I don't have a better way to do that."

I could feel my body betraying me as the heat rose to my cheeks. "An-and do you think - despite what I felt - you're happy with what happened?"

He squeezed my now sweaty hands and leaned in. "Lewis, stop trying to analyze me and tell me how you felt about it."

"No," I turned away, regrettably pulling my hands out of his grasp. "I-I had to wait forever for you to tell me how you feel... and you still haven't done it!"

I heard him sigh and stand up. "I know I'm going through a lot right now, and you are too, but I don't want you to be my therapist right now. I just want you to be honest with me. I'm not gonna be able to really figure out what I'm going to do until I hear from you, okay?"

He came around to my side of the table and bent down. I fixed my eyes on the tile floor. I was not giving in to him that easily.

"If it helps," he spoke. He was in very close proximity and I was not prepared to handle this. His hand reached out for my face but I reflexively pulled away. Me rejecting the gesture only made it worse for me - his hand settled on my thigh and it took everything I had to keep it in my pants. "I'm extremely into you, Lewis. I'm not thinking about labels or sexual orientation right now. I just know that I'm into you."

He stood. "I need to go home to let Cory and Sean know I'm alright and take whatever punishment they give me. But when you're ready to talk, just let me know."

He left. I waited a few minutes for myself to calm down, then I got up, threw away the now melted ice cream, and began my thought-filled walk home.