The Pursuit for Your Heart

Do you remember those moments in class when a teacher would ask a question and you’d know the answer so you’d raise your hand, but the second they called on you, the answer would completely slip from your mind and you’d be left completely dumbstruck on what to say?

That’s what I felt like at this exact moment; all eyes on me.

As soon as I had sat down, Lacey and her father began their trek down the aisle. Her dress was huge, Cinderella-gone-drag queen. Around her neck was a simple pearl necklace, with matching pearl earrings in her ears. Her platinum hair was parted down, small sections of the front pulled back and fasted with a small blue beret on the back of her head. Her hair had been curled, her bands straightened and tied in a braid to the side. If she wasn't about to marry the man I loved, I'd say she looked beautiful.

As she walked past all the staring guests, floating down the isle like a pageant queen, she plastered on a huge, toothy grin, waving and thanking everyone for coming. I made sure to duck my head down as she passed by me, not wanting to risk her recognizing me. After she was a few rows ahead of me, I dared to look up, my eyes settling on Austin. I couldn’t quite read the emotion on his face, but to me, it seemed to be anything but happy. I’m sure he had some love for Lacey; he wouldn’t have asked her to marry him had he not. I just need to be sure, for my sake and for Austin’s, that our relationship has no chance of ever being fixed.

Lacey finally reached the front and passed her bouquet to her bridesmaid. After her father kissed her on the cheek and gave Austin’s shoulder a strong squeeze, he stepped back, moving to sit down next to his wife. The presiding minister gave a few thoughts on love and what marriage should be, emphasizing the importance of communication and forgiveness. He then cleared his throat and opened his Bible, reciting the very familiar wedding speech.

“We are gathered here today in the presence of family, friends, and God to share with the Bride and Groom the most important moment in their lives. Without the love between these two people, we would not be here today.

"Love is something beyond the excitement of romance and being in love. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Love is nurturing. Love is listening. Love is caring about your partner. Love lightens burdens because you divide them. Love intensifies joys because you share them. If you truly love you will always be loyal to one another. No matter what the cost, always believe in one another, always expect the best of one another and above all else, always support one another in everyday living.

"Family and friends, we are witnesses to the union of these two individuals who choose to commit to a life together. Our responsibility as their friends and witnesses is to provide them as a couple with our love, support and approval. We are honored to be a part of the life you have chosen to live as husband and wife from this day forward.”

I knew what was going to be said next. I could tell by the way Austin’s family tensed and by the way Kevin’s eyes darted to mine. This was it; my one and only chance to stand up and fight for him, just like he wanted. If interrupting his wedding wasn’t a big enough way of saying “I fucking love you!” I don’t know what else would be.

My hands began to sweat and I clamped them together into a tight, anxious fist, my knuckles turning white. I looked around nervously, my heart pounding. I thought it was about to literally jump out of my chest and run away. I felt dizzy and nauseous, excited and extremely nervous. I took a big breath and scooted to the edge of my seat, drawing the attention of the stingy old bat next to me as the minister finally spoke.

“If anyone sitting in this holy place has a reason as to which these two wonderful people should not be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Without a second thought, because if I allowed that, I’d never go through with this, I stood up, letting out a huge, silent breath.

Every pair of eyes immediately turned towards me. I could feel the emotions floating through the room. From Austin’s side, a few members were smiling, some looked relieved, some just confused. Lacey’s family was, of course, fuming and practically graveling in their seats. Kevin was smiling, though I could tell he was trying to fight it and mask his joy with faux anger and confusion. When I finally allowed my eyes to move towards the bride and groom, I nearly ran. Lacey’s eyes were practically spewing hate, though honestly I couldn’t blame her. I can’t imagine how much money she spent on this wedding and to have the ex of your fiance compromise your wedding….well, that must suck.

Once I finally locked eyes with Austin, I felt as though we were the only two people in the room. His eyes smothered me, not even trying to hide the apparent happiness and confusion he felt. He dropped Lacey’s hands, which had grabbed onto his the moment her father stepped back. That simple action caused whispers to erupt from everyone around the room.

“You…you have an objection?” the minister asked, surprise evident in his voice.

I cleared my throat and nodded my head. My eyes flashed to Kevin’s for a moment. He smiled at me, doing a small shuffle with his hands, as if telling me to speak. When my eyes moved back towards Austin and Lacey, Austin turned around and looked at Kevin, no emotion apparent on his face. Kevin simply shrugged his shoulders, trying and failing to fight the smirk off his lips.

I cleared my throat again. It was now or never.

“I’m not the kind of girl who comes between couples, especially not on a white veil occasion,” I began, my voice cracking slightly. My attention was solely on Austin for the moment, though I could see from the corner of my eye, Lacey had her hip popped out and her hand resting on it, a furious look etched on her make-up caked face. “But this wedding is a mistake,” I said confidently. Everyone in the room gasped at my honest and blunt statement. Austin’s full attention was focused on me and I couldn't imagine what was going through his mind.

“Three years ago you gave me an ultimatum, Austin. It was…one of the hardest things someone has asked me. It took me…too long to finally make up my mind and by then I believed it was too late…so, I-I gave up.” I cursed my nervous stutter. From the incessant stares, to my racing mind and nerves, I felt tears sting my eyes but I did my best to blink them back. Now was not the time to break down.

“I know now, whether it be too late or not, that I was stupid. Downright dumb and idiotic and stubborn. From the day we first met, I knew that you were who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I loved…love you with all my heart and just from the sheer fact of you questioning that did I begin to actually question your love for me. Now that I think about it, it seems so ridiculous. All you wanted was, not for me to really choose you over my family or my family over you but you just wanted to know that I was as serious and dedicated to our relationship as you were.

“When you gave me that choice, I knew what the answer was. You. It was always you. My family is important, but they were in the wrong and I knew that. I don’t know why I didn’t immediately run after you. Maybe it was the shock of the situation or my emotions taking over, but the point is, I never, not once, not even when you turned your back on me, doubted or thought twice about how much I loved you. I was, and still am, one hundred percent sure that you are and always will be for me.

“I know, believe me, I know that this has got to be the worst timing, but better late than never right?" I chuckled a humorless laugh, wringing my hands and glancing down at them for a moment, before looking back up.

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not running after you, I’m sorry for taking so long to prove to you that I really, truly, and deeply love you, I’m sorry for not…punching my dad in the face every time he insulted you,” I announced, tears finally falling from my eyes.

By now, as if it wasn’t already, all attention was on me. I was receiving death glares, curious stares, worried expressions, and confused eyes. Lacey was rolling her eyes and scoffing at everything I was saying, but Austin was giving me his undivided attention. By now, he had even taken a few steps towards me. With each word I spoke, I began to feel the word vomit sensation take over.

“I do and always have loved everything about you, about us.” I spoke quietly, my voice painfully breaking. But no matter how much my voice cracked, I increased in volume and passion, taking small steps forward every now and then.

“I loved that you honestly knew me. I loved all your facial expressions. I loved the way you said my name. I loved the way you wanted to tell me things….I loved your smile. I loved your laugh. I loved that we had the same sense of humor. I loved that we were on the same wavelength. I loved the friendly flirting. I loved our conversations. I loved that you cared, even if it wasn’t the type of caring I wanted sometimes. I loved that we were never awkward around each other, even from the very beginning. I loved how you smelled and how it always lingered on my clothes and sheets. I loved your hugs and how warm and safe they left me feeling. I loved the way your eyes lit up when you laughed. I loved how you were such a geek sometimes. I loved that I was your favorite and top priority, even when I denied it. I loved that our hands fit together perfectly. I loved that you were always concerned about me. I loved the way you made me do that cliché sigh." I smiled, speaking as though I was on autopilot.

"I loved how you made be burst into fits of laughter after everything you said because you really were that funny to me. I loved how you trusted me. I loved how we were best friends. I loved that I could always trust you, no matter what. I loved that you were always close by. I loved how you would call me at random times just to say hi and be sure I was okay. I loved that I was able to see your more sensitive side. I loved how you would buy me roses for no reason, other than to see me smile. I loved the way you would wrap your arms around me at night and how you would complain if we weren’t in the bed together because I was your ‘safety blanket’. I loved how you weren’t afraid to take risks. I loved how you never got embarrassed. I loved star-gazing at night with you. I loved knowing you. I love you. I always have and always will.”