CHEATED SELF

What the fuck is with all these conflicting emotions? I can’t even separate your desires from my own; you’ve wrapped me so tightly into what you want. As if you only mattered well I’ve got a newsflash for you fucker, you ain’t the sun shining out of my arse. Just the fly, the fly who refuses to be swatted away but don’t worry I haven’t given up on getting rid of you yet. I’m fully aware this blame rests solely with me. Not like I could ever forget with you constantly reminding me of such desperate times for me. Fallen on hard times I had…lost in the waves of others emotions so weak I must have been to accept your help. If you could call it that, I did have to pay you back each time, did I not? Oh I don’t think I’ll ever truly forget. Even when I’m not repaying you; your eyes are always taking. As if I had no choice but to accept your longing – your need as if it were my own.

And I guess it had become as such. For I was drowning in your overflow of emotion, how could one such as yourself feel so much? It’s intoxicating. No one understands why I appear drunk in your presence. I suppose I am, is that when you had begun to realize you could use your personal gift against me? Such a weakness I allowed you to see. What the fuck did you do? But I need you – for the moment at least you keep the others overflow back, you have become the dam I’ve always wished I had. To silence those voices for the longest time I thought were my own but no. I had been tainted by every other living thing…cursed for a crime I could not remember committing.

This isn’t suffering. It’s not that bad yet, I can handle you. It’s just that itch in the back of my mind in agony of letting another having any sort of pull, control over me…no matter how small it might be. Have I not pride? Do you simply only think of yourself and your disgusting need to always have, when so many have not. But as long as you come out on top who else matters? Tell me! Ugh. It’s too early or too late – 3.AM and I’m just burning to show you all my tricks. I hope you weren’t thinking I was only a one trick pony? Heh, I’m sure you’ve got more faith in me than that. Besides three years is too much time to be trapped with one person. I figured you would have gotten bored early on with my mood swings, heavy drinking, and foul language. With all the things I hear it never fails for me to hear an F-bomb dropped from seemly every tongue and mind. I have become the sponge of this world soaking up every single dirty, wicked little thing.

Oh I wished you could share this with me. These things I think at you and you keep on smiling at me even when I’m imagining tearing you in two. Would you keep smiling if you had even the hint of a clue of what I wanted to do to you? Ha, oh dear I hope so. You have such a charming smile you’d never guess just how ugly you are on the inside. This I know, unlike everyone else your heart is not hidden from me and my probing gaze. Even now I sense your dreams. So carefree…am I such an actor my cruel intentions go unnoticed? Baby, baby I’ve got a riddle for you…wake up, wake up! It’s a mental slap to your unguarded mind – you stir but you do not wake. Ignoring my requests even in sleep? How very you and how like me to not react, to instead place my head against your back coaxing you into wakefulness by lightly ranking my nails along your back. You mumble something I don’t bother trying to decipher I allow my nails to sink deeper within your skin. I hear the word fuck loud and clear in your newly wakeful mind.

A grin of irony paints its way across my features. Of course it’s always fuck, one way or the other. Turning over to face me you instantly wrap your arms around my waist. I make a noise of disapproval low in my throat. Unsurprisingly it goes unnoticed and your eyes ask me why – why I’ve decided to ruin your lovely dreams? Heh, suffer for it you fuck. I pushed off from you sitting up and drawing my legs to my chest. “I’m lonely,” I blew out between my bangs. You smile, when the FUCK are you not smiling?

One day I’ll squash that shit eating grin with one of my own, soon I amended in my head, very soon. “Hmm so you were serious when you said you never slept, huh?” I could see the dimples in your cheeks as I shook my head in a no fashion. How could I possibly sleep when, “I don’t dare to…chances are I’d never wake up,” His lips formed a ‘o’ as his head tipped to the side he reached out a gentle hand to place upon my head, “I’m sure we’ll figure something out, it can’t be healthy with you like this – tired and weak,” Couldn’t he see that he was hurting me? But his feelings flowed in so sweet; warm on the back of my neck and caressing tenderly down my spine.

It fucking hurt. Couldn’t he see? Yet instead of grimacing as I felt the need to my bottom lip tucked itself into my mouth to be nipped at and he, he…watched them; my lips, was nothing too far? Couldn’t even get though a FUCKNIG WHOLE conversation! “Um…,” He stumbled for words and I watched him squirming like a fish out of water gasping for air; my eyes glint with dark amusement, surely. “Can I kiss you? --- please,” He adds as an afterthought as if I had any choice at all! “I don’t know, tell me can you,” My eyes are twin pools of dark orbs. He breathes out a shaky laugh, “Leave it to you to make light of a serious situation,” He’s talking low now with curious eyes on me as he leans forward to breathe those words on me, “May I please kiss you?” Bastard, fucking bastard! “Do what pleases you,” is what comes out before I can school myself against him and his bastard desires.

Figures; he has me, for now.