With You

I don't know how I got here, but I was standing in the middle of a group of cop cars in front of Rob's house. I began moving towards the door, where several policemen were standing. No one seemed to care that I entered. The place was crowded with more people.

I found Jessi. She was sitting on the stairs, with her head in her hands, sobbing.

"Jessi?" I asked, worried. "Jessi, where's Rob?"

She continued to cry, but I was able to make out the two words she spoke. "He's dead."

My heart dropped and I turned and continued on into the living room. I heard snatches of conversation that seemed to be floating on the air.

"...killed himself..."

"...shot..."

"...suicide..."

I stopped short, tears pricking my eyes, my breath stopping in my throat as I looked down at the blood all over the floor.

In the center of the puddle was Rob's still, cold, dead body...

I screamed. I screamed again and again until I thought my lungs would give out.

"Jen? Jen, what's wrong?" Teal's arms wrapped around me tightly and I leaned against her shoulder as the nightmare left my mind, returning me to reality.

I gasped for air, unable to answer. My body shook and I squeezed my eyes shut trying to forget what I'd dreampt. How could I think of something so horrible? How could my mind conjure something like that up?

"He...he killed himself," I whispered.

Teal looked at me, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion. "Who?"

"Rob..." I said, taking a deep breath and lifting my head from her shoulder. "I thought Rob killed himself. I was there. And it was..." I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear my head. "It was horrible."

Teal asked Dustin, who must have been standing in the door way, to go get me some water as she tried to comfort me.

"It didn't happen though."

"I need to call him."

"Jen..." she started resentfully.

"Teal, I need to."

"Jen, he's in rehab. He won't have a phone. Plus, its three in the morning."

I unwillingly agreed, and after Teal got me settled down again, everything was quiet. Except my mind. It refused to let me fall asleep. If that actually were to happen, I couldn't live with myself. Even if it didn't involve me, I still would feel responsible. I wouldn't be able to hanlde something like that.

I ran my good hand over my face. It was just the painkillers, I told myself. That's all it was. Those stupid pills are messing with your head now.

The past few days had been hell. When I was taking the killers, I couldn't be on my antidepressants, making me...depressed. However, when I tried to be on those instead of the killers, I hurt like hell and that didn't help the depression any. So I stuck with being painlessly depressed.

After an hour of laying there worrying, I called Jessi.

"Hello?" she answered, her voice thick with sleep.

"Hi, Jessi, its Jen. I'm sorry to call you, but how's Rob? Is he okay? I just wanna make sure he's okay because, you know...we don't talk. When you go visit him, make sure he's okay, okay?" I rattled off without pausing to breath.

"Jen, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wanna make sure Rob's okay."

"I got that part. But, yeah, sure. That's kinda my job."

"Thank you."

And I layed there until the early light of morning shown through the window blinds.

When Teal got up, she came in and checked on me. "You didn't go back to sleep, did you?"

I shook my head as I just stared at the ceiling. She sighed. "Don't freak out about some stupid dream, okay? Rob's fine. Why should you worry?"

I turned my head to look at her. "Why would you ask that?"

She blinked at me. "Because..."

"I'm with Adam? That doesn't matter. When you love someone for as long and as strong as I did, you tend to still think about them. Yes, I'm going to worry about Rob. I'm sorry if that bothers you."

Teal looked both confused and surprised. "Alright then. I'll bring you breakfast." And she left.

I sighed and lay there again. Depressed.

</3

"Hey, Jen? Though I'd let you know that Rob is alright."

"Okay, thanks, Jessi."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm really not, but I'm trying to be. Don't worry about it."

"You want me to come visit?"

I smiled. "That'd be cool, but like I said, don't worry about it."

"I'll be over in an hour, okay?"

When Jessi came and sat down beside me, she smiled. "You look a lot better."

"Thanks," I said, smiling back, "I got a check-up tomarrow and hopefully in a week I can get the stitches out of my arm. They itch like crazy." Jessi nodded and we sat there in silence. Then I shifted uneasily. "So...how's Rob?"

Jessi shrugged. "He's doing okay, I guess. He just stays in his room and not much else. He's kinda lonely, I think."

"I know how that goes," I said quietly, looking down at my hands.

She sighed. "You're not real happy either, are you?"

I shook my head. "I'm depressed. But...I shouldn't be complaining. I got great friends taking care of me...Its just..." I trailed off and ended with a shrug.

"Rob's depressed too."

"Doesn't he have Sam to keep him company?" I asked coldly.

"He did, but...they won't let her in anymore. She wasn't helping him any."

I smiled slightly. Both of us ebbed into silence again until Jessi suddenly clapped her hands, making me jump. "You know what?" she asked. "You should go visit Rob."

I looked at her, my eye brows raised. "What?"

"Just try it, please," she begged. "He'd feel better if you went. And you would too."

"No, I don't think--"

"Jen, you know it will."

"Teal won't let it happen."

"Teal doesn't have a say," Jessi said defiantly. "Come on. I know deep, deep down you and him would like it."

</3

Teal looked at us suspiously, her hands resting on her hips. "That's all you're doing?"

"Yes," I groaned. "Jessi's taking me out for some fresh air and KFC. Is that a crime?"

Teal's eyes narrowed further as she studied Jessi and me. Dustin wrapped his arms around her waist and set his chin on her shoulder. "Just let them go. Jen needs to get out, you said so yourself," he said and winked at us. The punk knew what we were up to. I don't know how, but he did.

Teal sighed and leaned against him. "Fine, but be careful."

"You betcha," I said. "Thank you. I love you!" And Jessi and I were out the door and into the car.

"I didn't think we were going to get out of there," Jessi sighed as we drove. "She doesn't like me, does she?"

"She will, once she gets to know you," I said. Jessi grunted.

When we got to the rehab center, one of the staff members took us to Rob's room. I followed behind Jessi, a little unsure if this was the right thing to do.

"Hey, Rob!" she greeted when she walked into his room.

"Hey--" His greeting to her was cut short when I stepped in. "Jen?"

I waved with my good arm, the one not in a sling. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking at me dumb-struck.

"She came to visit," Jessi replied bluntly, pulling out a chair for me.

Rob continued to stare at me as I sat down. "I heard you were a little...down. Thought I'd come visit," I explained.

He stared at me some more before a small smile came to his lips. "Thank you."

I smiled back and Jessi began our conversation. She was mostly the middle man, throwing the conversation between me and Rob occasionally. We just sat back and let her do a lot of the talking, and I noticed Rob's eyes were constantly flicking back to me. I couldn't look at him. His eyes were so warm and...happy when he looked at me. Why was he torturing me like this?

"I have to go to the bathroom," Jessi said abruptly and got up to leave. I went to protest, but she was already gone.

Rob was looking at me again and I looked down down at my legs.

"How's Adam?"

I almost laughed at Rob's attempt for a conversation, despite the fact that he must hate Adam with all he was worth. And Rob was worth a lot.

"He's good," I answered. "How's the whole rehab thing coming."

"Good. With my progress, they said I should I be out of here in a couple weeks."

I nodded. "That's good."

"You look good," he said suddenly and I blushed. "You look beautiful."

"Rob..." I protested, looking at him pleadingly.

He looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry. That wasn't..."

"We have to move on, Rob," I said, wincing as my voice broke.

His eyes squeezed shut. "I can't."

I leaned forward, almost trying to physically make him understand. "Yes, you can. I can so you can! This isn't...healthy for us to keep doing this! Rob, you know..." Tears bean to blur my vision, but I continued. "You know we're done. You need to go and live that life with Sam...and your baby."

"I hate Sam," he interrupted with a growl.

"We aren't supposed to last, Rob!" I half yelled and he winced. "Your life is with Sam now."

I watched as Rob stayed silent. "I would," he finally said. "I would really try hard to forget what we had. But...I can't." He took a deep breath and looked up at me. "Because I know there's no life after you."

Tears began to trickle from my eyes and I let out a sob, closing my eyes tight. His arms wrapped around me and he held me close as I cried. This act of affection, of compassion and love, made the pain worse.

Rob didn't understand that it would be simpler if he didn't do these things! It hurt me worse than saying he hated me! I couldn't handle it like he could. I knew he spoke the truth. I knew I couldn't be as happy after him because the happiest I'd ever been had been with him.

I hated myself for it. I hated him for it! But at the same time, I loved him with every fiber I had. But he was unattainable now. He wasn't mine anymore. He was her's.

Rob let me go and I got from my chair just as Jessi came back in. "Can we go now?" I said as I attempted to wipe away my already ruined makeup.

Jessi looked at me confused and then at Rob who refused to look at either of us. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah, we can go."