One Night Only

It started raining around noon and it hasn’t stopped yet, even though it’s now the middle of the night.

I can’t seem to sleep with the water slamming down on the metal roof of the bus. Barney seems to be having no trouble though; he’s snoring loud enough to cause an avalanche. It’s a wonder the others managed to drift off.

I sigh as I stare up at the ceiling.

Sleep, self.

No.

I mean it. Sleep sesame.

Ha, no.

Impossible.

I hold my glow in the dark watch up to my face and watch the hands tick closer to one in the morning. I drop my wrist to my side and glare at the Beanie Baby on my chest.

Yes, Beanie Baby.

It’s a white kitten with a little pink nose. I named it Snuffles and I hate that I always sleep with it.

“Stop looking at me,” I say and blow a puff of air at its nose.

Snuffles continues staring at me intently with black, beady eyes.

“Fine. Have it your way.”

Isn’t ‘have it your way’ a slogan for a fast food restaurant?

Is it Arby’s?

No. That’s good mood food.

Carl’s Junior?

I don’t know.

I roll on to my side so that I’m facing the dark wall.

Snuffles falls off my chest with a hushed rain stick sound.

I start humming quietly to myself, drawing amorphous shapes on the wall with my finger.

Little swirly-things in one direction, polka dots at random intervals… A few handprints later and I have an invisible Jackson Pollock.

“I have to sleep!” I groan and roll onto my back again.

I hope I don’t wake up Sam.

He’s right under me, so that’d be just awesome to have an irritated Samuel yell at me to ‘stop dicking around’ in the middle of the night.

I sigh again.

And then I roll over on my other side.

Sigh.

Roll over.

Pull the covers over my face.

Wriggle around.

Throw the covers off and end up on my back, staring at the ceiling again.

SLUSH-SHOOOOOOOOOOO!

“Wahhh!”

When the toilet flushes I just about fall off my bunk bed.

One leg and one arm are hanging off the bunk and my head is twisted uncomfortably under my armpit.

I see a faint figure in footie pajamas walking towards me with rather heavy footsteps.

I’m about to rejoice that another person is up so I don’t have to be awake alone—when Dom punches me square in the shoulder, which then of course plunges my stinky pit into my nose.

“Ow!” I howl.

“Your dog shit in the bathroom!” she hisses.

I dislodge my face from my armpit. “Well, yeah. Dogs do that, you know.”

“Well, didn’t you bring a litter box or something?”

“She’s a dog.”

“…Yeah?” Her hands are on her hips. She looks like an angry, overgrown toddler.

“Litter boxes are for cats.”

“Oi.” Dom hits her forehead with her hand and poises to sit on the bottom bunk.

“Noooo!” I shout, full volume.

She sits down on top of Sam, then immediately launches off him because he’s squirming and yelling in his half-sleep state, “We must turn this bed into a fort!” And then he struggles to get out of his sheets, kicking his legs furiously and apparently one hits Dom.

“Aw, my lady nuts!” she wails and sinks to the ground.

Am I dreaming?

Because this must be a nightmare.

Someone turns on the lights, shedding some… well… light on the subject.

Barney stands there, squinting, in his underwear, his large, white belly protruding and covered in curly gray hair, most of which is sprouting out of his belly button.

My eyes!

Oh, my virgin eyes!

Kyle is behind him, rubbing her eyes sleepily. Her mouth forms into a little pink yawn.

Little pink yawn…?

Okay.

Whatever.

“What’s the meaning of all this?” Barney asks, trying to be menacing, but no one takes him seriously because he’s holding an umbrella like a shotgun.

Dom’s now rolling on the floor laughing, rather than in pain, but she’s still moaning over and over, “My lady junk.”

Sam’s slapping his cheeks, trying to wake up, I guess.

And then there’s me, my limbs still hanging off the bunk, my head drooped below my armpit.

Barney drops the umbrella, looking resigned. He sighs. “I’m gonna take a leak.”

“No!” I shout and then in an effort to get down I end up bungee jumping off the bed with no pants on.

Let me walk you through this.

After screaming, I attempted to face plant onto the ground, but managed to get myself tangled in the sheets, leaving my pants behind. So now I’m dangling, swinging from side to side by my sheets that are wrapped around my ankles.

Sam smiles and pokes me in the chest so I’m rocking forwards and backwards now.

I catch glimpses of Barney’s stunned reaction, then I face plant.

“Ow…”

“Okie doke then,” Kyle sighs and then stumbles back to her and Dom’s bunk where it’s darker.

“You’re the weirdest bunch of kids I’ve ever met,” Barney says and then locks himself into the bathroom.

“Oh, shit,” Dom and Sam say in unison.

“Oh, shit is right,” I say, rubbing my raw cheek.

“We’re gonna get kicked off the bus!” Dom hisses.

“No we’re not!” I lie.

“Oh, yes we are!” She starts landing little punches in my shoulder that don’t really hurt, but I pretend they do so she won’t hit harder.

“Hey! Stop it!” Sam growls from under his mountain of covers.

Dom sighs and sits back down. “You have no idea how much I hate you right now.” She glares at me.

I don’t respond and just stare at the door. In fact, we all do (minus Kyle, who I assume is asleep). Sam comes out of hiding and watches with us.

When Barney finally comes out, he’s mid stretch. “What?” he asks. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Dom asks.

Barney just shakes his head and turns off the lights, mumbling something about bumbershoots and shuffles away.

“She didn’t…” I start.

“Oh, Diva! I love you so!” Dom shouts, jumping up and down.

I race into the bathroom and search around for her.

Diva’s in the shower, sound asleep. A little turd has been deposited in front of the toilet. Little doggie snores permeate the bathroom.

It’s amazing how Barney didn’t see or hear these things.

“The Rock Gods are lookin’ out for us…”