I've Got a Sunset in My Veins

Do you ever wish things had been different between us? Do you ever wish that we didn't fight? Do you ever wish that you didn't cheat? Do you ever wish I had forgiven you? Do you ever wish?

I know you don't believe in wishes and fairy tales and make-believe. You used to, but you've given all that up now. You and I live in different worlds and I hate it.

I miss you, Ryan. I miss you every day and it hurts. You were my everything. You were the sun when I saw clouds. You were stars when all was night. You were happiness when the world was blue. You were beautiful and wonderful and everything I wished I could be but never was and we were perfect together.

We were perfect because you were day and I was night and one can't exist without the other and together we made the most beautiful sunsets the world had ever seen.

We were perfect because you were perfect and I never could be. You made up for my flaws, Ryan, every single flaw I had was compensated for by your mass perfection and you were beautiful and I loved you.

And then you got scared. You were summer and I was winter but soon you became autumn and your seasons changed but I stayed the same. You got scared and you wanted someone that would keep you from being scared and I tried, I really did.

But all I ever did was try.

You found someone who would be brave for you like you used to be brave for me and you fucked her behind my back. When you came home every night smelling like sex, I knew. I knew but I didn't say anything because you were day and I was night and I wanted to watch the sunset with you.

Why did you do it, Ry? We both knew you weren't in it anymore, but you still played pretend. You used to believe in wishes and fairy tales and make-believe. You made me believe you loved me, promising me the sky and the sea and everything that was in between and I fell so hard.

I believed everything you said because I was young and naïve you were beautiful and perfect and you were my day and I was your night and we made the most beautiful sunsets.

Your autumn changed to winter and the snow fell and December made it's way into our lives and the days got darker earlier and there were always clouds in front of my sun, but my sun just made more clouds. You got short with me, Brendon do this and Brendon do that and "Why can't you do anything right, Brendon?!" You slapped me once, I remember. I'm sure you remember, too, because you cried just as hard as I did that night.

I know you cried because I heard you in the living room, I heard your sobs and I didn't try to comfort you because you didn't comfort me and I think that was the first time I cursed God because you were crying and I blamed myself and it just wasn't fair.

I remember coming home early one day and you were fucking her in our bed and I cried and the tear-stains never left my cheeks and you broke every promise you ever made. I remember you crying and I remember not wanting to comfort you because you killed me and I was betrayed and there was nothing left anymore.

That was the first time my heart ever shattered into a billion pieces and you couldn't put it back together because I wouldn't let you.

You were day and I was night, but for the first time, I didn't want to see our sunset because it wasn't so beautiful anymore. It was flecked with gray and streaked with tears and stained with heartache and it wasn't beautiful because we weren't beautiful.

Do you ever wish things had been different between us? Do you ever wish that we didn't fight? Do you ever wish that you didn't cheat? Do you ever wish I had forgiven you? Do you ever wish?

You know I don't believe in wishes and fairy tales and make-believe. I used to but I don't anymore. You and I live in different worlds and I'm okay with it.

But do you ever wish things were different? Do you ever ask yourself, "what if?"