Early Sunsets

I ever really thought about it, I guess.

Now that my whole world is crashing in on itself, what is there else to do besides think? But now that I do I never thought I’d shoot anyone, or hold a gun pointed at someone’s head. But that’s what I’m doing now. Not just that but I have a gun pointed at someone I love more than anyone on this Earth. I hope you know how much I love you. I wrap my finger tighter around the trigger and it feels like the world has suddenly put all its weight on me, and time has stopped. Like everything that happens in this whole world depends on what I do at this very moment. I look up and stare into your shining hazel eyes. I know you’re about to cry and I can’t stand to watch this.

I shouldn’t be stalling.. I know this! I’ve seen the movies and whenever someone hesitates even for a second… BAM zombie snacks. Everyone hates the one who hesitates and stalls the inevitable. And death, in this situation, is inevitable. Either I kill the person I’ve loved for years, since he joined our band… or I don’t and we both die. I know… he’s almost dead anyway. Once he changes he, as himself, is gone forever. There will be a body and a crazed beast left in his place. Just his body. Not him. Just his body…. He’s barely here now. I have to keep telling myself this.

I stare at the floor again and try to keep my tired arms pointed straight at the man I love. This doesn’t seem right… not at all. Something wet drips from my cheeks and I realize then, that I’m crying. Why can’t I be strong? We both prepared ourselves for this when we first decided to run, didn’t we? I thought so. Maybe this is one of those times where you plan and prepare for hours and hours about what you’ll do. Then when it happens you panic and do something you never thought you’d do. Something that makes no sense at all. Something that makes everyone scream and say ’WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?! ARE YOU STUPID?!’ I know I’d be like that too, give I wasn’t the one in this situation. But I am and I have to do what I feel I should. Not what is expected of me.

I stare at you and you’re slightly twitching, but your eyes are locked on mine. Your eyes haven’t left me. Your voice breaks my train of thought…
“you know what you have to do…” your voice is just a whisper.
“shh! You don’t even know what you’re saying right now.”
“We planned this out!!” your voice is starting to raise.
“Planning means fuck all when it all comes down to it. You know that!” I realize I’m still crying, and I try my best to hide it from you. “You have to realize that what I’m going to do is what’s best for both of us… you know I only want what’s best for you.”
“Yeah what’s best for me is what’s best for you. Just pull the fucking trigger!” now it sounds like you’re yelling, and your voice is getting scratchy and rough, but maybe I’m just far too used to the silence. Either way I act as if you’re talking normally.
“You know how I love you.” I say quietly as if I’m talking to myself. I’m still trying to talk myself into this.

Everyone thinks it’s so easy. It’s not. I walk slowly over to you and run my fingers lightly over your gorgeous face.
“You’re the only guy I’ve ever loved like this.. The only one I’ve ever wanted. You know that!” It’s not even a question. I moved my hand up the side of your face and grab a fistful of your hair and push your lips against mine. I barely feel anything anymore, I can slightly make out the feeling of your hand on my neck. I break away from you slowly and have an actual look at you for the first time since raising the gun to you. You look pretty rough. I’ve seen this happen a few times and I know Im racing the clock.
“What the fuck Gee? Fucking do it! Please! I cant let you die because of me! You know what I‘ll do to you... you know what fucking happens!” you make a grab for the gun but I pull it out of your reach and grab you by the shirt. Pulling you back to where we were sitting so peacefully before, I’m surprisingly calm, considering I know what’s happening next. I laugh as I bring you over to sit on the edge of the fountain.
“I won’t let you hurt me, Frank. I don’t want you to worry about that darlin.” I sigh as I smile and look at the scene before me. The contrast of the dark blood against your gorgeous white skin, the clear water behind you spraying up and making a peaceful sound. Yeah… this is will do.. I hope this is perfect. I push my finger to your chest. “stay.”

The knife you found when this all first started is the one I’ll use. It seems fitting. The one that was with us from the beginning will be the one helping to end everything. I grab the long knife and walk back over to you quickly. I only have a short time left. I’m pushing my luck every second I wait. This doesn’t take long to change you completely.. I know that.

I sit beside you and grab the gun in my left hand. The knife in my right. I stare into your eyes and all I see is confusion.
“we’ll be together forever now.”
“STOP IT!!!!” You scream it at me and I flinch slightly.
“there’s no me without you anyway. You’re all I have left and I’m not going to be here without you. I’m not. You picked me up whenever I was down, you helped me see clearly, and you somehow made m laugh during the end of the world. The world was falling in around us… literally and somehow you made me laugh and see humor in the world still. How did you do that? How’d you make it seem like this wasn’t the end of the world? I didn’t even mind this half the time. I’ve never been so close to anyone. I can’t be without you. And I won’t.” I realize now, after saying all that, I’m not even scared of this.

I really don’t want to use this gun on you, but I can’t give it to you. This disease or whatever it is, changes you so quickly. So I press the gun against your chest and the knife against my stomach. I rest my head on your shoulder and breathe in your scent for the last time.
“You always had to make things so theatrical.” you say smiling. I try to smile but fail. And I squeeze the trigger and shut my eyes tightly. The sound is deafening to my very being. I feel nothing as I shove the blade through my stomach. I fall backwards into the cold, spraying fountain and drag you with me. My head falls to the side and I see red all around us, changing this beautiful fountain into something more sinister.

In the midst of the end of the world, beauty can still be found. Weather it be in the smile of the one you love… or the red that surrounds you as you both lay dying in a pool of water. I keep my head turned towards you. The last thing I see…will beyour beautiful face. You’re mine and you always will be. My Frankie. This death is perfect.. Isn’t it….