My Imagination's Much Worse

Oh how I forgot how much touring sucks, especially in summer. Did I mention the AC doesn't work on the van? Well, it doesn't. Silly me, exchanging an air conditioned apartment for a ridiculously hot vehicle just to be with my boyfriend and his friends.

It was finally a day off and we scrapped enough money together to get a room at a sketchy motel. Pete, Patrick, and I all decided to share a room. My parents were supplying with some money but I didn't really use it unless it was a situation of hey we fucked up our budget and/or didn't get enough tips and merch sales for gas and food.

Joe and I went out to grab the boys some food from the McDonald's next door while everyone else showered since we already had. I liked spending time with Joe, he was like my brother in some aspects. We were always getting in trouble together and being goofy since we were closest in age.

I opened the door to the room and saw all the guys sprawled out in different parts of the room. Joe and I passed out all the food and drinks to who they belonged to. I sat next to Pete on the ugly green couch with our food.

"Thanks, sugar mama," he laughed and began eating his Big Mac.

I kissed his cheek, "no problem."

Everyone finished eating and went back to their rooms to rest, others went to go explore with the other bands we were on tour with. I laid in bed with Pete while Patrick snored on the other bed.

Pete's hands rested softly on my hips while his eyes looked at every detail of my face. Usually things like this made me uncomfortable but not when Pete did. He was the only person I never hid my face from.

His hand snuck under my tight jeans and rested over my lady bits. I quietly gulped and stared at him like he was mad. This seemed so bad, I mean one of our friends is sleeping on the bed next to us. His fingers moved the fabric and touched me. I quietly moaned against his neck, sucking on it hard. His hot breath went from my ear down to my neck.

He removed his fingers from my pants with a smirk. I collided our lips together, leaning more onto him. I pulled away as his hands rested on my lower back. "I wish we were alone," I whispered on his lips.

"Me too." He kissed me again and pulled my head down to his chest. This was as intimate as it was going to get, and that's okay.

-

Summer was going by slow but fast at he same time and I missed Chicago. Pete was the only thing keeping me from being completely homesick. We finished up one tour and had been driving across the country to meet up with a new tour. I was getting burned out from being in a cramped, dirty van but at the same time I loved experiencing all these things with the band.

I woke up to a Kodak flashing at me and Pete. I blinked a few times until my vision was no longer fuzzy. "What the fuck, Joe," I groaned.

He chuckled, "sorry. You two just looked cute sleeping so I took a picture."

I kicked the camera out of his hands and cuddled back into Pete. The darkness let us be again while AFI played in the van. I could tell he wasn't sleeping from the way he was breathing. "Why aren't you sleeping?" I whispered.

He kept his eyes closed, "you know I don't sleep."

I ran my fingers through his hair, "Pete, you have to sleep sometime."

He finally opened his eyes. "Stop saying that. It's getting annoying," he snapped.

I backed away from him and scooted over to the other side of the third row. Even though I was around, he was still filled with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I knew he was exhausted from playing shows almost every night but he just couldn't rest. I know he can't control it but he didn't even try.

Pete pulled me back over to him, "I'm sorry," his voice was raspier than usual, "I'm just ready to be home and alone."

"Alone, as in without me?" I asked, still whispering.

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean.." He stopped talking and sighed.

"You mean what, Pete?"

"I just want to be able to stay in my bed all day without doing anything and letting things eat away at me. I still want you though," he looked down at his lap.

It hurt me to hear what he had to say. I laid back down with my head on his lap, pulling my blanket over me. Pete played with my hair until I fell back asleep. He made me worry, even in my dreams.

-

By mid September, I was back in my old apartment. Pete had been staying at his parent's since we got home a week ago. I didn't bother trying to see or talk to him. It hurt but it's what he needed.

I went back to seeing my friends and going to shows. Hanging out with his friends without him became a regular thing again. I didn't bother looking for a job because who knows when the next tour will be. I was getting bored doing nothing without my favorite sidekick.

I gave up on trying to give him space after 2 weeks and took the annoying commute to the suburbs. I knew he'd be the only one home since it was just past 11am. I grabbed the spare key from under one of the flower pots and let myself in. The dogs barked excitedly when they saw me. I leaned down and gave them kisses since I hadn't in months.

The two went back to wander the house. I walked up all the stairs until I reached the third floor. I hesitated before opening the door, I'm not even sure why. My hand finally turned the knob, making the door creak as it opened slowly.

Pete scrunched his face, the way he always does when he wakes up unnaturally. He looked at me as I closed the door and walked over to the bed. "How'd you get in here?" He asked confused.

"I remember where the spare key is from all the times we wound up drunk here," I chuckled and leaned down to kiss him. It felt weird to kiss him after so long.

He smiled, "I forgot about that. How have you been?"

I shrugged and sat down, "I don't know. I miss seeing my boyfriend now and getting bored of always hanging out with everyone else. How about you?"

"Lonely, but I guess I brought that on myself." He paused and looked lost before looking back at me. "I'm sorry that my mind does this, Lauren. I hate that I hurt you by being depressed and crazy."

"Don't apologize for things you can't control." I ran my fingers through his dirty, thick hair. I laid down with him and cuddled for the first time in weeks. I missed it. "When was the last time you showered?"

He laughed and smelled his armpit, "I don't know, like 5 days ago?"

I laughed and kissed him, "you're disgusting."

"I know, and I am on the inside too." Pete finally got out of bed and showered. He came out in a pair of jeans and a Racetraitor shirt.

"Are those my jeans?" I asked, eyeing the extremely tight jeans.

"Maybe."

I started laughing, "why are you wearing them?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I liked the way they looked and fit."

We went downstairs and made ourselves some pb&j's. We ate them in a comfortable silence while we watched Happy Gilmore. This is all I wanted: to do the usual with my boyfriend which was doing nothing at all.

Pete's mom came home from work around 4 and was surprised to see me at her house.

"Haven't seen you in awhile!" She said, giving me a warm hug. "How have you been, honey?"

"I know. I've been good, just bummin' around and trying to keep myself busy until another tour starts."

"Well hopefully that will be soon so this one," she nodded her head towards Pete, "can leave the house again."

"I'll make sure he gets out more before then," I winked.

She hugged me once more before going upstairs. I returned back to the couch where Pete was sitting.

"Is there any shows going on tonight?" He asked.

"Mmm," I stopped to think, "there's one with some pop-punk bands in Arlington Heights. Wanna go?"

"Yeah! Call up the crew and we'll go."

I smiled at him and how energetic he was being. I missed Pete being like this.