The Pay Back

I couldn’t pull myself away from Hannah. I found myself making excuses just to go see her. It was driving me crazy how much I was getting attached to her. I didn’t like it at all. How can she do this to me? All my life I’ve never been attached to anyone. Not even my mother who carried me. But now with Hannah I could hardly stay the day away. What did she do to me? I tried being with other women but I was never happy with anyone else. I convinced myself that it was just lust that drove me to her but even as I said it I wasn’t convinced. I tried figuring out what it was but the only answer I reached was lust. It was weird. I never felt that way towards anyone. Women were only there for my pleasure and provide materials for my tapes.
But Hannah was different then all the other women I met. For one thing, my good looks and sweet words didn’t seem to affect her. Maybe it was just that. Might be because I can’t get her that he becoming addicted to her. “Yes, and as soon as she gives in she’ll be forgotten”. Those were the words I kept telling myself. And for some reason I felt that she won’t give in. why was she so unaffected by me? No one has ever shown that indifference towards me. I was used to having every woman I meet shower me with attention. But Hannah treated me like a brother and it was driving me crazy. Why can’t she be like everyone else? I asked her what is the thing that she sees wrong in me once, and her answer surprisingly upset me. She said “you’re exactly the type that mother’s warn their girls to stay away from. The type that I surely get hurt if I fell for”. These words hurt me more then I’d like to admit. Why does it matter what she thinks? But whether she knows it or not, she has changed me forever.
It’s been two more months and I'm still in the same torture. I can’t escape her. She’s always on my mind, whatever I'm doing. I’m regretting everything I’ve done since I was a kid now; and I hate myself. Last night as I was talking to Hannah on the phone I ended the call by saying “love you” and I didn’t even realize what I said till after I hang up. As I lay in the dark last night I had to admit that it was true. And I knew what I had to do. For the second time in my life Hannah made me cry like a little girl.
I walked to my office with a heavy heart. I didn’t even glance Hannah’s way as I walked in. I had to steal myself for what I was going to do. I got in my office and closed my door and sat counting a big sum of money. Then I pulled out a pen and a paper and with every word I wrote my heart died a bit more. By the time I was done I felt numb with pain. I called in a confused Hannah and she came towards me slowly as if knowing what was about to happen. “Hannah I'm thankful to you for doing a great job for the past 8 months. Here is a little gift from the company to you and this is your resigning papers that I want you to sign now so we can get this over with”. I couldn’t bear to see the look of pain that crossed her eyes as I was talking so I go up and went to my window giving her my back. “But why? What did I do?” she asked softly. I just shook my head then it was all silent. Then I heard the pen being thrown away after she signed it. I looked at her as she walked away and she turned around and met my gaze. Then she said five words that made me want to run after her. “I had thought you’ve changed”. And she left. She left my life forever. The only thing that restrained me from running after her is that I knew that I was doing it for her. I was the type that she surely would get hurt if she fell for.
I sat there and for the first time since I left home my thoughts wandered to my mother and sister. Will my sister ever forgive me for what I did to her? Does she even remember? What about my mother? Will she still love me after she knows what I did? I put on my jacket and went down to my car. I knew that I have to visit my mother if I wanted the answers to my questions. I know that they most probably will never forgive me … but I will never give up. Even if it means scrubbing their bathroom for the rest of my life to win their forgiveness. Those thoughts haunted me as I drove back the familiar streets of where I used to live as a little kid. I had to admit I miss my mother and the old days. I realize now how my mother loved me unconditionally. How ungrateful I was and that increased the hate for me. I have to make it up to them.
I parked in front of my mother’s but suddenly I didn’t feel so sure anymore. What if they threw me out? A lot of what if’s went through my mind as I sat paralyzed with uncertainty and even some fear in my car for a long time. After a long long time I got the courage to finally get out of the car and try to see them. I stood in front of the door but my hand just wouldn’t obey me and knock on the door. It was a while before I managed to knock and almost instantly heard footsteps. I plastered a smile on my face and looked up to the face of … a man and a woman I’ve never seen before. I stared at them till the man asked me if I want anything. I asked him about my mom and he said he doesn’t know anything and that he just moved in. I walked back to my car with a crashed heart.
I spent the next few months trying to track them down but every time I thought I found them, I find myself at the same point I started from. But finally I did. I found them living in a run-down apartment in the slums of the city. Seeing the way they lived made me hate my mansion. How can I live so extravagantly while my mother lived with street beggars? As I parked in front of their apartment, the street guys surrounded me and my car thinking I was some kind of movie star. I made my way up on the damp, uneven stairs that risk falling any second until I reached the top most floor. “How can my mother make it up all that way?” I wondered panting. But now that I was standing right outside their door I wasn’t so sure anymore that I wanted to see them. The fear of them not forgiving me for what I did to them was heavy on my heart. But I knocked. I just had to see them and ask forgiveness. A really beautiful woman opened the door and gasped when she saw me.
“Mark? Is that you?” I realized then I was looking at my sister. The sister I was too busy hating that I don't even remember her name. The guilt was killing me and I couldn’t open my mouth so I just nodded as I stared at her. She opened the door and let me inside to the sofa and I sat down. I saw a little girl looking at us from behind the door and smiled at her, she smiled and waved back. “That’s Mary Anne, my next door neighbor.” I nodded and turned to her, I wanted to reach out and touch her, make sure she was ok, but I was scared. “Mother?” my voice came out shaky and thin probably from the fear I felt inside. “She died 5 years ago.” I couldn’t do more then look at her in shock until I felt tears on my cheek. “When? How? What happened?” “The cancer finished her and I didn’t have money for her medicines.” These words felt like a pile of bricks that fell on my head and I broke down crying. I prayed silently that she forgave me before dying. I cried in my sister’s arms till I had no more tears to cry.
The next day I went back to my sister, Bonni, and packed her up, paid her overdue rent and took her back with me to my house. She was amazed at the level I am living in and I was happy I could repay her back what I’ve done to her as a little girl. In a month time we were so close that I told her about Hannah one night as we sat talking. She thought it was stupid of me to have let her go that way but would she say that as well when she knows of my dirty past? I doubted it so I just kept quiet as she rambled on about how I should get her back. I tried correcting her about us being together in the first place but she didn’t even listen! So I just let her talk while my mind wandered. I was happy at the closeness we reached. For the first time in my life I was finally a real brother. A person someone else could depend on. I wasn’t only caring for myself now; I had Bonni to worry about as well.
It’s been several months now since Bonni moved in with me and I took her to all every social outing I had. She was the talk of town now and every man who was someone in the country was trying to get her attention. I was proud of her and soon I had her working with me as my secretary. She was happy and so was I. One day she came to me and wanted me to go to lunch with her and her friend. I was dead tired but she kept pleading till I finally gave in and went got dressed wondering who is that important friend. Has she chosen a man and wants me to meet him? Suddenly I felt so protective of her that I wanted to cancel that lunch but she insisted it wasn’t a man. For some reason I had a feeling that she was planning something.
We got to the restaurant she chose and sat down waiting for her friends. I was nearly dozing of when I heard a voice that I can recognize miles away. The voice that I dream of a lot. I looked up and my eyes met hers. The most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. She then shook me out of my day dream with her greetings as she sat down with us and started chatting with Bonni. I sat there mostly watching them as they talked all through lunch. Till this moment I haven’t realized how much I’ve missed her company. Her playful spirit always left a smile on my face. Her smile had melted my heart which was one day crueler then stone. I wanted to jump over the table and hug her but I controlled myself knowing that she would’ve slapped me. The thought made me chuckle which in turn made the girls turn towards me. At that moment I had everything I wanted in my life. My sister, the girl I love, and happiness.