Here We Go Again

I didn't want to leave the confines of the bedroom the next morning. After yet another sleepless night, I wasn't ready to face the day.

I was supposed to have booked a flight back by now. I had questioned many times while I had been in Edmonton just exactly what the point of this had been. I had enjoyed the time there, but I didn't know what was happening between Taylor and I. Friends? 

As much as I tried to convince myself that that's all it was, deep down, I didn't believe it. I knew the truth.

I was still completely head over heels in love with Taylor.

The way he looked at me made me want to kiss him and jump into his arms and stay there forever. I had been trying to split my feelings into the categories of 'then' and 'now', but... Had I ever stopped loving him? Even throughout those months apart, I knew I loved him. But what was I supposed to do?

***

I glanced at the clock on the stove as I stirred the Kraft Dinner. I sighed as I watched the numbers change from 6:59 to 7:00. The game had started.

I hadn't exactly told Taylor I wasn't going. He had assumed, and I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise. 

I just couldn't go. I had needed some time alone - although that hadn't been proven successful thus far. I didn't know what to do. Should I leave? I wondered. And break his heart? My chest filled with pain at the thought. Blue eyes, as sad as a puppy's, not knowing what he'd done wrong. I couldn't bear it. 

I didn't watch the game. I took a long shower, attempted to call back home - to no avail - and sat on Taylor's bed. I had found myself staring at the clothes in his closet, my mind filling with memories as my eyes latched onto a familiar grey sweater. One he had let me wear on a rare, chilly, Windsor summer night. I continued to stare at it, before slowly standing up and taking cautious steps forward. 

My hands reached out to grab onto the soft fabric. I hesitantly pulled it down from it's shelf, and slipped it over my head.

It smelled like him. Every part of it omitted his scent. I was overwhelmed and comforted in the same moment. I wrapped my arms around myself, and fell back on the bed.

After what seemed like hours lying there thinking, I finally managed to get up. I walked aimlessly, before settling on doing the dishes.

I had lost track of time, and I jumped nearly three feet in the air as I heard the front door open. My heart and my mind began to race in sync.

I heard footsteps shuffle into the kitchen and stop. It was silent, and I could hear his light breathing. I didn't turn around.

"You're washing the dishes." 

Simple. To the point. Full of confusion. 

"Yeah," came my barely audible reply. 

Pause. "You're in pajamas." I waited. He hesitated before asking, "You didn't come to the game?"

I closed my eyes. "...No." 

Silence. 

"Why?"

I inhaled a long breath before letting it out shakily. "Taylor..." my voice was barely audible.

My hands gripped the counter as he took a few steps closer. I turned to him, my eyes brimming with tears. His eyes searched mine, concerned, and I let out a light laugh as I looked down. I took in a shaky breath before meeting his eyes again and saying quietly, "I love you." Taylor's eyes widened, then looked at me the way he always did when he was concerned. It made my stomach lurch. I shrugged, biting down on my lip. "I didn't wanna break up with you," I confessed, looking down at my hands again. I took another slow breath before continuing. "It was just so hard, and then..." I paused, sniffling. "You forgot my birthday, and..." I inhaled slowly before letting it out with a loud sigh. I was silent, and I didn't know what else to say. I felt a tear slip past my eye, and I hastily reached up to brush it away. 

My eyes flew up to meet Taylor's in surprise when he took a step closer and lifted his hand to close around mine, pulling it down from my face. He took my other hand in his and pulled me closer, his eyes searching mine.

"Vee..." My heart skipped a beat. Vee. He had called me Vee. I bit down on my trembling lip as he continued, "I'm in love with you." His eyes continued to search mine, and I looked down. His fingers threaded in between mine and his thumbs drew circles across the backs of my hands, sending goosebumps up and down my arms. "Do you understand that?" 

I let out a quiet sob, and Taylor pulled me into his arms. I collapsed into his chest, closing my eyes and holding onto the front of his shirt. His arms held me tight into him and I began to cry silently. It felt surreal to be this close to him again. He pressed kisses to the side of my head, and I held on for dear life.

"When I realized I had missed your birthday, I wanted to kick myself," Taylor murmured into my hair. His grip on me became stronger as he squeezed me and whispered, "I know I forgot a lot of things, and I'm sorry." 

We stood there like that for a moment before he gently pried me out of his arms, his hands resting on my hips. He leaned forward so that our foreheads were touching. I felt his breath on my cheek, and I knew my own breathing was staggered. Just like the first time he had kissed me. Slowly, he tilted his chin upwards, and pressed his lips to mine. We broke apart, and my head fell info the crook of Taylor's neck.

"You're wearing my shirt."

I smiled a bit at the happiness evident in his voice. I nodded without looking at him, and his grip on me tightened.

We stood there in the kitchen for a long time, wrapped up in each others arms. Finally Taylor gently pulled me away from him, lifting a hand up to my forehead before softly tracing the side of my face down to my jaw.

"We should get some sleep."

I nodded, biting down on my lip. Taylor's hand ran down my arm before taking my hand in his. 

We walked hand in hand until we reached Taylor's room. I turned to face him, and he smiled. His blue eyes gazed at me before he pulled me in by the waist and kissed my forehead. I rested my head against his chest, listening to his heart beating. 

"Taylor?" I looked up at him. He nodded, encouraging me to go on. I bit my lip. "Can you... Can you stay? With me?" I wasn't sure how he'd react. 

To my pleasant surprise, he simply pulled me into the room. We crawled underneath the covers, and Taylor pulled me in against his chest. We were silent.

I watched him as he lay there, eyes closed. I traced every detail of his face with my eyes; all of it was so familiar. His arm traced up and down my side, giving me goosebumps. I reached forward, my hand gently grazing the scruff that he had let grow on his jaw. His lips turned up, and after a moment, his eyes opened. 

We stared at one another. Taylor's hand rested on my hip, and he pulled me closer before whispering? "Vee?" I nodded with a smile. He smiled back and finished, "I love you."