Here We Go Again

Taylor had somehow managed to convince me that going for a walk outside in the freezing cold was a good idea. We had finished breakfast about a half hour ago, and were walking down the street towards a park. Our hands were joined, and I relished the feeling of his hand in mine.

As we reached the park, I looked around at the almost untouched surface; it had just snowed the night before. I had always thought snow was so beautiful. As we began to trudge through it, Taylor let go of my hand. I crouched down to examine the snow, picking some up in my hands and peering closely at the individual flakes. I was so enthralled by the intricacy that I didn’t notice Taylor sneak up behind me, and I let out a shriek when I felt something cold and wet being stuffed down the back of my shirt.

I whipped around, my mouth hung open in disbelief. I pulled my shoulders back and attempted to shake the snow out of my shirt, but it had melted by now and had left the skin on my back cold. Taylor was grinning, and he raised an eyebrow as I stared him down.

“Come on, Vee. We deserve a bit of fun, wouldn’t you say?” As he spoke, his face grew a bit more serious. I watched his eyes, and felt emotion begin to form in my chest as I realized that he knew I had to leave soon, and that he had been thinking about it, too. His eyes were sad, but he was smiling, and I nodded slowly. He pulled me in for a hug, and I closed my eyes. I was enjoying the warmth when Taylor’s arm reached up and he dropped a handful of snow on the top of my head. I jerked away. He was grinning from ear to ear, and he raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘well?’

I narrowed my eyes at him. After a split second, I bolted, running away from him and finding a nice pile of snow to start making snowballs with.

After about a half hour of running back and forth and attacking one another, I could feel my stomach begin to hurt from laughing so hard. It was a nice feeling. Seeing Taylor laughing brought a smile to my face, and for the first time in a while, I felt light-hearted.

I stopped to catch my breath, and began to laugh again as Taylor approached me. I was sure he was going to attack me again, and I let out a string of protests. He tackled me to the ground, and we both laughed for a long while until we settled down. Taylor was resting on top of me gently, and he lifted his thumb up to brush some snow off of my cheek. His blue eyes stared down at me, and he was still smiling as he bent down to press a soft kiss to my lips.

“It’s so nice to be able to kiss you again when I want to.”

At his words, my heart sank. I almost laughed at how quickly my mood could change. I closed my eyes, feeling the lump form in my throat. I could feel everything I’d been trying to push down begin to creep up, as a tear slid past my eyelid.

***

I sat on the couch, sipping a bottle of water and staring blankly at the TV screen. The boys had won the game in Ottawa, and I had been excited for them. But now, hours later, as Ryan Seacrest began to count down to the new year, I winced.

I couldn't believe that I was alone on New Years Eve. I wasn't really into big New Year celebrations, but not having Taylor there when I know he could have been sucked.

He had texted me when the clock struck twelve in Ottawa, wishing me a Happy New Years. He wasn't supposed to be up that late, but I knew he had stayed up just to text me that. Yet, despite his efforts, I couldn't help but feel incredibly sad as I was hit with memories of being alone when we had dated. During the two months after summer that we had been together, I had been alone for so many things. I had gotten used to it because Taylor had stayed in contact at first. But when the calls and texts stopped coming, I had felt so alone that I would sometimes cry myself to sleep.

Sitting there, watching the celebration as the clock struck twelve, I was hit with a huge wave of emotions.

I didn't like being alone.

***

"Vee?"

Taylor's voice brought me back to the present. He had sat up, pulling me up with him, and his arms were around me. He was gazing down at me, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. His gloved hand lifted to rest on my cheek.

"What's up?" he asked gently. I sighed, looking down. He knew what was up. After a moment, I looked up at him with a sad smile.

"I'm leaving soon," was all I said, and Taylor nodded. He understood, and I could see the frustration in his eyes as he pulled me even closer into him.

***

Taylor and I didn't speak about my departure for the rest of the night as we sat down to watch a movie. Jordan was out again, giving us some space, I assumed, and we sat in silence, cuddled together under a blanket. My mind was a jumbled mess. As the movie rolled on, I could honestly say I wasn't paying one bit of attention.

We had talked about marriage. Marriage. That was a big deal. But was this thing even worth continuing if it would just end again? How could we talk about marriage when we weren't even sure our relationship would last? I was torn.

I loved him more than anything, and I wanted us to work. The thought of marrying him one day made my stomach fill with butterflies. But were we stupid? Were we thinking about impossible things?

When the movie ended, we sat there in silence. After a while, Taylor's hand lifted to my face, and he gently turned my chin to face him. His lips met mine, and I could feel the emotion behind it. The kiss lingered, and after a few seconds, he kissed me again. He gently pushed me back so that my back was against the couch, and I lifted a hand up, placing it on his face. He kissed my palm, before kissing all the way down my arm, moving my t-shirt sleeve away so he could kiss up my collarbone. He reached my neck, and I closed my eyes. He kissed up my throat until he finally hovered above my lips. My hand found the back of his neck, and I pulled him down to meet my lips.

As we continued to kiss, I could feel my body growing hot. I hated the idea of doing this because I was leaving, but I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to be with him, and I wanted everything else to go away.

My hands slid under his shirt, and I let my fingers rest on his skin for a minute before I slowly lifted the shirt above his head. He paused for one second, looking down at me, before reconnecting our lips. In a swift movement, he stood up, pulling me up with him. He continued to kiss me as we slowly made our way down the hall. With my back against the wall just outside his bedroom, he lifted my shirt up as well. His hands slid around my middle and his fingers pressed into the bare skin of my back. As he pushed me into his room, my shirt came flying off.

I fell onto the bed, and he followed suit. My head was spinning as we kissed there for a few minutes, taking the time to slow down our breathing. He pulled away after a while and whispered, "I love you."

My heart sank for about the fifth time that day.

"Taylor, I can’t do this." I felt like a girl in one of those dramatic romance movies as I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back onto the mattress. I turned away from him as he slowly lifted himself up and off of me. I felt sick to my stomach.

I heard Taylor sigh, before saying, "Vee..."

I cut him off as I sat up and faced him, unable to stop myself from blurting out my thoughts. "It's just... I’m not sure if this is going to work out, and..."

"Why are we together if you’re not sure?" came his sharp question. I was taken aback by the tone of his voice. His face was hard. "Both of us have to be sure if we want this to work," he added. He had been frustrated by my mood swing, I knew, but now he just sounded mad.

"You have to understand," I replied, feeling myself grow irritated. "I was the one who was left behind last time."

Taylor looked at me in disbelief. His voice was raised when he spoke. “I was left behind too when you broke up with me. I thought we still loved each other!"

I stood up. "You hadn’t talked to me for three days!"

"I was busy," he retorted exasperatedly. I took a step towards him, my jaw tight.

"It would have taken you two seconds to write a text," I hissed. "You could have told me you were busy!" I couldn't believe what he was saying.

“I didn’t think you’d understand."

"You didn’t give me a chance to understand!" I cried. "I would have, Taylor. I would have! Do you think I didn’t know that I had to sacrifice things to be with you?" I could feel myself growing more and more upset with each word. "For two whole months I sat there wondering why it ended like that, why you couldn’t just talk to me. That’s all I wanted, was some communication, Taylor. Even hearing your voice for two seconds would have made things so much better. Do you understand that? That every time I would wonder about us, you’d call and I’d feel like everything was going to be okay, just because I heard your voice."

Taylor was silent. I took a sharp breath in, and my eyes found the picture of Taylor and I that I had given him for Christmas. I stepped forward, brushing forcefully past him, and slammed the photo face down onto the desk. As I stormed out into the hall, I heard the faint sound of Taylor setting the photo upright.