Here We Go Again

We stared at one another, and I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me. I had to clutch the door handle for stability.

He looked the exact same as he had the last time I had seen him. Blond hair tousled naturally to perfection, blue eyes that always melted me on the spot.

"Hi."

The voice that I missed so much.

It didn't seem real to me as he spoke. I couldn't comprehend why he was standing in the snow, on my front step, on Christmas Eve.

"Veronica?" I turned clumsily as I heard someone call my name from behind me. I met my mom's eyes, and they widened as she looked behind me. She raised her eyebrows and I shrugged helplessly.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. P."

My mom's attention turned back to Taylor and she plastered on a smile. "And to you, Mr. Hall."

My mom had been so fond of Taylor that I had left out any details of the breakup. The only thing I had told her was that I had broken up with him, and it was because of distance. That part wasn't a complete lie.

My mom gave a wave and disappeared around the corner, leaving me stranded. I didn't know what to feel as I turned back to the man in front of me.

He searched my eyes before asking, "Can we talk?"

I paused, my eyes widening. Was this actually happening? I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. After making a split second, inevitable decision, I stepped outside. I knew I wasn't going to slam the door in his face, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise. I just wasn't capable.

I closed the door behind me. Every step seemed forced, every movement made me more and more self-conscious. Taylor walked beside me, his hands in his coat pockets, and we headed down my front walk.

I could say that I had wanted to say no to Taylor's ridiculous request. But, if I was being honest... I didn't actually want to do any of that. What I really wanted was for him to pull me in his arms, for him to tell me that none of it had happened, for him to tell me that he loved me and for him to continue holding me forever.

But neither of us said anything, and the silence was just plain awkward. It made my heart ache, knowing that only weeks before we would have never been like this.

"So, uh," Taylor spoke up as we turned onto the sidewalk. My heart began to speed up without my consent. I refused to look at him. "Merry Christmas," he offered.

I bit down on the inside of my lip, hard. He was going to play the game this way? "You too," I responded, emphasizing my sarcasm.

Taylor was silent, and I took a step forward, only to realize he had stopped. We were halfway down my street now, and I stopped, too, turning to face him. I tilted my head back and looked up at the sky, where snow was beginning to fall again. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Taylor's hands were in his pockets. He removed one to scratch his jaw before he spoke up.

"I miss you... A lot."

I let out a small laugh that came out sounding strangled. I closed my eyes, inhaling a deep breath, before letting it out noisily. In the same breath, I exhaled one word. "No." Taylor was quiet, and I looked down at the ground, shaking my head. "You don't get to say that to me," I said quietly. There was an edge to my voice and it pierced the cold air.

"You broke up with me, Veronica," he stated harshly.

My heart squeezed. Veronica. So formal. So cold.

I wasn't doing this.

"I'm going home. Have a good Christmas." I took quick steps to brush past him, but his arm grabbed mine, turning me back to him. I felt anger flare up in me. Our eyes met for one second; mine filled with quiet fury and frustration, Taylor's filled with something I couldn't quite place. A split second, and my eyes were on the ground again. I pulled my arm out of his grasp, but I stayed put.

"Don't you... Don't you miss me - us - at all?"

I winced. My anger faded just as quickly as it had come. He had hit a sensitive spot.

"Taylor..." my voice was quiet, and I couldn't bring myself to answer.

"What?" Taylor's voice was strained.

"I miss you every day," I admitted frustratedly. I reached a hand up to brush at my nose, which was freezing up from the cold.

"I don't understand."

"I don't want to talk about it," I shot back, my lips beginning to chatter.

Taylor paused, and I felt him looking at me. He shrugged off his jacket, holding it in both hands as he stepped forward. He came closer to lift the jacket up and around my shoulders, and I began to protest.

"It's just a jacket," he said, and I was going to protest again but the truth was... I was freezing. I hadn't brought a jacket outside, and... And it smelled like him. The smell I had used so many times for comfort. The smell I used to associate with security.

The mere thought nearly broke me.

"Can you look at me?" Taylor spoke softly, as though I was a deer that would run at a sudden movement.

"I can't," came my timid reply.

"Why not?" He took a step forward, and his fingers gently brushed my chin. I pulled away, shaking my head.

"Because you'll do that thing where you make me forgive you and I can't... I can't forgive you right now."

Taylor was silent except for a sigh. I bit my lip, taking a step back and removing the jacket from my shoulders. I held it out for him to take, and he hesitated before prying it from my outsretched arms. Instead of just putting it back on, he reached in the pocket, pulling out a tiny wrapped present. I stared at it as he held it out for me, making no move to take it.

"Please take it." I didn't reply and he continued, "I bought it for you... I can't give it to anyone but you. I don't want to."

I chewed the inside of my cheek before gingerly taking the gift, making sure not to touch his hand in the process. "I'll open it later," I said. I looked up to meet his eyes timidly before saying, "Merry Christmas, Taylor." With one last glance into the blue eyes I had often found myself getting lost in, I turned and headed down the snowy walk, back to where I would pretend everything was okay.

But inside, in my heart - things were not okay.