This Is Me and You Until We've Got Nothing Left

I had laid with Pete on the couch, lying behind him for a change. One arm was around his waist and the other was under his neck. When I had gotten home, I noticed there was something different about him. There was something behind his eyes and his demeanor that he was trying to hide from me. Pete should've known I know him like I know the back of my own hand.

But, I didn't say a word as we lay together like this. Pete slept, snoring a bit. I figured out what it was while we lay there; he had taken some pills. Whatever pills he took, usually Xanax or Adderal made him nap before he woke up and either be jittery or fatigued. You're never sure how to take Pete when he does drugs.

2 hours after I had gotten home, my dad arrived with Lewy. Pete had awaken, but was fatigued; it was Xanax he took. I got up and answered the door, letting my dad in; Abbey came in and ran to Pete, while my dad handed me Lewy, who looked excited to see me.

"Did you have fun with grandpa, bubba?" I kissed his cheeks.

He giggled and hugged me. I patted his back; "Did you feed and change him?" I asked my dad.

"Yep, just did. You kids alright here?" My dad looked around.

"We're good, dad."

"How was work?"

"It was alright, the days fly by," I replied.

"The kids like ya?"

"Yeah, they do."

"Daddy says I'll be in school with you soon, Navy!" Abbey exclaimed, "That true?"

"I think so," I answered with a smile.

Pete looked distant, his eyes wondered off. Abbey went on talking to him while he answered her quietly. My dad gave me a look, "So, how long is Pete stayin'? If he's here for business, I can watch Lewis for you."

"Oh, no," I shook my head, "Pete's visiting," I said nonchalantly.

"Alright," my dad looked over at Pete, "Hey, Pete, if you need me to watch Lewy, just gimme a call."

Pete responded with a lazy nod, "Uh, sure, Mr. V."

My dad turned back to me, "Do you guys need anything?"

I shook my head, "Nope, we're good dad."

"Okay, I'm gonna head out now," he gave me a hug, "Abbey, lets go, honey."

Abbey hugged Pete, who laughed and hugged her back. She skipped over to me and hugged my hips, "Bye sissy."

"Bye, Abbey," I rubbed her back, "Say bye to Abbey, bubba."

Lewy waved his hand at my dad and Abbey; they wave smiled and waved before leaving. I went over to the couch, sitting beside Pete and settling Lewy into my lap, "Do you feel better?" I asked Pete.

He nodded slowly, "A little."

"Yeah?" Pete looked at me, his eyes hazy, "What're you on?"

He let out a sigh, "Are you gonna yell at me?"

"No, I just wanna know."

He rubbed his eyes and looked away from me, "Xanax...some pain killers. I feel better though."

I bit at my lip, "Okay."

"It's not forever," he replied lamely.

"I didn't say anything," I said as I stood, "Uh, I'm hungry, are you?"

He shook his head.

"I'm gonna go cook, give Lew some food. You just lie down, don't worry about anything," I kissed the top of his head.

He gave me a look, "Who are you and what have you done with my Navy?"

I cocked a brow, "Hey, I'm trying to help you get better, Peter. I only want you here with me; happy and a little sane for the sake of Lewis. I don't wanna fight, and I'm not mad, honestly."

"Then what are you?" He questioned wearily.

I sighed, "I'm...I'm tryin' cope and be supportive in the best way I can," I shifted Lewy on my hip, "I love you, and whatever you do I'm endearing because I want to."

He had his pitiful look upon his face, but he didn't say a word. I tilted my head, "You okay?"

He nodded slowly, "Yeah."

I kissed him on his forehead, "Take it easy, we'll be in the kitchen, alright?"

Pete simply nodded and slumped back against the couch. The gesture reminded me a lot of how he used to be, whenever he was around all the time. The vacant look in his eyes, it worried me. I swallowed and decided not to pester him; I went to the kitchen and set Lewy into his high chair and I gave him a bottle of his favorite: strawberry milk. My eyes wondered back to the living room, where I could see Pete's legs, they didn't move, so I went back to cooking.

I gave Lewy some of his baby food, letting him try the mushy carrot sticks and went to see if Pete wanted to eat. When I went into the living room, he wasn't there; "Pete?" I went towards the bedroom and saw him on the bed, lying back.

"Hey, are you alright?" I murmured softly.

He let out a breath, "I don't know what to do anymore."

I went over to him, kneeling beside him, "Can't do what?"

He sat up and grabbed his phone; he dialed a number, which led to his voicemail and played the messages. "Pete, this is Terry, you need to get back to LA, ASAP. You can't have a vacation anymore, you need to help finish this album up. We scheduled a flight back here in the morning, you better be on it. You can't keep doin' this, you're not a kid anymore."

That was the end of the message; Pete looked miserable. I could see his face crumbling, just this overwhelming need to cry. I swallowed and immediately wrapped my arms around him; his hands grabbed me, holding onto me, tight. Tears swelled in my own eyes as he gripped to me for dear life. Pete was going to breakdown, he was practically losing it, just before he attempted suicide.

"Stay with me," I told him, "Please, don't hurt yourself, okay?"

Pete somehow pulled me tighter to him, my shirt balled in his fists. I kissed his head, his forehead, his eyelid -anywhere that my lips could reach. I rubbed his back, "Say something to me, Peter, please."

He sighed against my chest, nearly between my breasts. He slowly eased his grip on me, "I'm really fuckin' losing it, Naomi. I can't do this shit no more."

I cupped his jaw, making him look at me, "Yes you can. It's not as bad as you think it is. Please, don't think that."

"I can't do this. I-I suck as a dad, I can't do shit right."

"You're a great daddy," I let him go and took his hand, "C'mon, Lewy wants you."

"He don't need me," Pete grumbled.

"He needs, wants and loves you so much, Peter. You need to understand that, our son is the main reason you need to stay here."

Pete swallowed and stood up; he didn't speak, he just nodded, following my lead as I went to the kitchen. Lewy had eaten all the mushy carrot sticks and was playing with empty bottle. I let Pete's hand go, "Lew, who's this?" I asked as he looked over at us.

Lewy smiled, "Dad-dee."

I smiled and looked at Pete, who looked like a broken man. He just ran a hand through his hair and then over his face. Pete started to cry and then he shook his head, "I'm sorry," he said this to Lewy, who was frowning now.

"What're you sorry for?" I asked him.

Pete just shrugged, "The stupid shit I'm gonna do...the shit that'll make him hate me."

I went over and removed Lewy from his high chair and then handed him over to Pete. I rubbed his back comfortingly, "He loves you, Pete, just love him back."

"I do love him, Naomi...this shit scares me. It's real and it's...it's unbelievable."

"I know it's scary, it'll be scary until we figure out the dynamics of it."

Pete held Lewy and hugged him, to which Lewy returned it. Pete rocked him gently; his tears rolled down his cheeks. The sight tugged at my heart strings; I went over and wiped his tears away, sniffling my own away. I kissed his cheek, "It's okay, Pete."

I hadn't ever seen him this way, and I wasn't sure what to do. Pete didn't seem to know what to do either; I guided him to the couch, where he sat with Lewy and rocked him. Lewy yawned and cooed, murmuring baby talk to Pete as he began to fall asleep. Pete was just lost, this deep look was in his eyes, he didn't look like himself. "Pete, how do you feel now?" I had to ask.

He swallowed, "I'm tired."

"Let's go to the room then, alright? You can lie down and Lewy can lie down, too."

Pete nodded and stood again; he swayed a bit, but I managed to help him to my bedroom. Pete gave Lewy to me; he lay in the bed and then I climbed in with him, lying with Lewy. The entire hour was a confusing and trying one; it was a whirlwind of not knowing what to do and having the worst feeling in my gut.

Lewis was asleep between us, Pete's eyes were fluttering and he mumbled in his wavering sleep. I placed my hand in his hair, caressing his scalp; he let out a soft, satisfying groan, "I love you, Naomi."

"I love you, too," I whispered to him.

"I'm sorry," he said, repeating it, "I'm so sorry, so, so sorry."

"Pete, it's okay, you don't have to apologize."

"I'm going crazy," he choked out in a sob, "I don't know what's wrong with me."

My eyes filled with tears, because I felt frustrated and scared and just as clueless as him. Love couldn't save him, and he was drowning, love wouldn't and couldn't be a life preserver. I could only say that I loved him; "I'll do whatever you need me to, Pete. Whatever you need, want, I'll do it for you."

He swallowed, rubbing his eyes, looking at me tiredly, "I don't mean it in a harsh way...but, I want you to leave me alone."

I sat up, slipping my hand away, "You want me to leave you alone?"

He nodded, "I...I want to do this alone."

"Pete, are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he shut his eyes, more forgotten tears rolled away, "I love you, I just don't wanna hurt you anymore. You or Lewis."

I nodded too, "Okay. Okay, if that's what you want."

"I have to go tomorrow. I'm gonna get some help."

I felt some relief, nodding again. I didn't speak.

He licked over his lips, eyes still closed, "You aren't mad, are you?"

"No," I said quietly, "I only want the best for you."

Pete let out a sigh, and was quiet. I stayed silent as well, watching Pete's breathing steady until he started to snore. I got up, slowly, and covered Lewy and Pete; I made sure to be quiet as I went to the kitchen to eat.

My head was busy wondering what could be going on with Pete. I was afraid to leave him alone, I didn't want him to build the actual courage to end his life. I prayed that maybe he would think about Lewis and know how much our son loves and wants him around.

I wanted him in my life, I love him more than I had ever loved any person in my life. Without Pete I would be nothing, I would probably retreat so badly inward I would lose my mind, too. It hurt so bad that he hurt and there was nothing I could do.

Returning to bed, I curled up beside Lewy, making sure to stay silent. I fell asleep around 9; I slept pretty well, the fatigue from crying worked wonders. I was awaken at 4 AM by Pete; he shaken me, "Navy?"

I squinted in the dim lighting from the hallway, trying to see him, "Hmm?"

"I'm leaving," he said softly, "My flight leaves at 4:50."

I had looked at the clock and saw it was a little after 4; "Already?"

He nodded, "I'll call you when I land, okay?"

"Okay."

He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips, "I love you, Navy."

I sighed quietly, "I love you, too, babe. Have a safe flight."

He just smiled, "I will. Go back to sleep, beautiful."

I smiled back, "See you sweetness."