This Is Me and You Until We've Got Nothing Left

Lewy was happy to be dropped off at my dad's the next morning. I explained briefly, to my dad, that Pete had to get back to LA for a band emergency. He didn't question it, and let me go off on to work.

I was set to go retrieve the kids from the morning bell when my phone vibrated in my bag. I had to leave it, but I knew it was Pete, and it made me a little eager to answer. Leaving it there, I left the classroom and brought the kids from the playground in. Lita began taking roll while I began to get the spelling books out to pass out. I kept taking a glance at my bag, telling myself that Pete was okay and that I would call him at noon.

The whole entire 3 and a half hours were brutal. I kept looking at my bag, wondering if Pete was okay. Nothing had happened yet, everything was smooth sailing.

Noon rolled around; Lita took the kids to the cafeteria and I got to my phone. I had two missed calls, both from Pete, so I listened to the voicemail he left; "Hey, I got to LA, I'm fine, too. Uh, I didn't leave a message before 'cuz I know you're at work...I don't want to worry you, Naomi," he sighed, "I'm okay...I'm actually goin' to the studio today, workin' on something I wrote for you on the plane," he laughed now, "You'll love it, it's a secret that I'll have 'Trick send to you when it's done. I, uh, actually feel a little better, I got a picture of Lewis here taped on the back my bass...super cheesy. Okay," he sighed again, "I'm gonna go before this cuts off. I love you, call me if you have time between school hours."

The voicemail ended, and I smiled at his sudden change in mood. Though, I knew he may've been feeling good and alright right now, it wouldn't last. You wish it would last, but it doesn't and it's possibly the worst thing to have to experience secondhand. Like I said, not knowing how to help your depressed loved one is terrible. You don't know exactly what to do, how they really feel or what to say; saying one thing could trigger an onset of shouts and tears -from both ends.

I never felt like Pete has felt. I never blatantly wanted to kill myself because my thoughts suffocated me. I never dug my nails into my skin because my internal pain hurt worse than the outer pain. I never swallowed a bunch of pills to ease it away; I wish I knew how it felt so I could get where he's coming from. More so, I wish I could take it away from him.

I sat at my desk and called Pete, listening to the phone ring a few times before he picked up, "Hey."

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm okay," his voice was soft, trailing a bit, "Did ya get my message?"

"Yes, I did. What made you feel better?"

"I thought about Lewy...I have a few pictures of him I carry around in my wallet. They're all worn out, but I got some at my place. It's keeping me in a good place."

"That's great, Pete. I was a little worried, I'm sorry I couldn't pick up when you called, school just started and--"

He cut me off, "I know, it's okay, Nav."

I exhaled, "So, what's the song you guys are recording?"

He chuckled, "It's a surprise for your birthday. I figured since I'll be there in October I can give you the demo for your birthday and you can hear all the songs about you."

I was sincerely blushing now, "Such a sweetheart."

"You're my muse," he said in a faux snooty voice, "I just...ya'know, I write about you when I miss you."

"Mindless Naomi indulgence, huh?"

"Exactly," he laughed, "10 weeks and I can indulge in your presence again."

"Man, that's a long time," I said to myself, "Does it really take that long to record?"

"Not if we got Redbull and soda. But, you know how much of a perfectionist Trick is."

"When will the album be released?"

"Uh, we're thinkin' February. We're gonna tour, promote some of the singles until then. This Ain't A Scene is being released first, we're gonna shoot a video in September, or like in two weeks I guess."

"Whoa," I murmured, "You've got a lot of stuff to do."

"Yeah, I think it's a good thing, just so I don't have any down time to actually be down."

I was silent for a moment; "Are you gonna see someone, Pete?"

"I already talked to the guys about it, and I am."

I felt relief, "Good...that's really good, Pete. I only want you to get better."

"I know. I need to, for you and Lewis."

"I miss you," I told him softly, "that one day you were here sucked because it was so short."

He laughed, "Yeah, soon I'll be home all the time."

I smiled at the thought, "I can't wait."

I talked with Pete for a bit longer before he had to go. I made sure to let him know that I love him and that I couldn't wait to see him. Pete sounded a lot better than the night before; I only hoped that it would last until he got some real help.


Everyday I would talk to Pete, even if it were for a few minutes. His mood really tittered on good and bad; it was because he had been seeing a therapist, he was on meds and wasn't happy about it. He tried not to snap at me, when we spoke, it was almost like walking on glass. Things got to him; Andy told me he was more focused on music, though, he was more involved with helping finish up the album. I was happy to hear that, because I knew that was the only thing that helped Pete through his troubles.

Things with me were the same; I worked and took care of Lewis. When Pete had time, he would talk to him, and Lewy would cradle the phone talking baby talk to Pete. It was the cutest thing; Lewy was always excited to talk to Pete, so I was sure he couldn't wait to see him.

The third week of October arrived; Pete was due to arrive on a Saturday. It was the end of the afternoon, on a Friday, when I had started to feel a little dizzier than I had been feeling for the past week and a half. I thought maybe it was excitement, but then I felt a little sick as well.

The kids all seemed to notice, asking if I was okay; "I'm fine," I told them, "I just need to sit. You guys just finish up your math problems."

They went back to work, I rubbed my temples and drank some water. Thankfully, the day had ended and I was safe to get home. There was some nausea taking over as I drove to my parents to pick up Lewy; I had to pull over and puke on the side of the road.

I got myself together and got to their house. Inside, I went to the kitchen, dropping my coat on the floor and went to the sink to rinse my mouth and wet my face. I heard Abbey coming in, "Navy, what're you doin'?"

I sighed deeply, swallowing, "I'm a little hot and sick, Abbey." I turned and saw she was holding Lewis' hand, "Hi, baby boy."

"Hi, mama."

I knelt to him, picked him up and kissed his face, "Oh, I missed you."

He touched the droplets of water on my face, following it with his finger. I inhaled, feeling a wave of sickness come over me. I placed Lewy on my hip and looked to Abbey, "Did you guys have fun today?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded, "Daddy took us on a ride to pick up stuff."

I smiled and followed her to the living room; she went on to tell me about the trip out of town to pick up lumber. My dad was on the phone and was looking me over as I sat and tried to push away the sickness filling my stomach. I felt like throwing up, "Abbey, hold on," I set Lewy down beside her on the floor and bolted towards the bathroom.

I slipped inside, almost falling on my ass, and knelt over the toilet. I threw up just water and some remnants of food I had left inside. I flushed the toilet and went to the sink, rinsing my mouth again; I heard my dad call my name, "Hey, you okay in there, kid?"

I hummed, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Sure?"

I turned the faucet off and took in a deep breath, "Yeah."

He opened the door, "What's wrong? You sick or somethin'?"

"I think I ate something bad..." I mumbled, "Or I might be sick, I've been dizzy all week, it's just been gettin' worse."

"You wanna see a doctor?"

I shook my head, "No, I'll just pick something up at the drugstore, then I'll be fine."

"I'll watch Lewis for ya if you need me to."

"No, it's fine, dad. Pete'll be here tomorrow morning and he'll want to see him."

"Naomi, are you sure? You're lookin' green, kid. I think you should stay here too, lie on the couch."

"I'm okay now. I just needed to throw up, I'm fine," my head felt dizzy again, "On second thought, I should stay for a little bit. I don't think I can drive."

"C'mon, I'll call Amy, have her pick you up some medicine."

"Thanks, dad."

He hugged me sideways, "No trouble, kid."

Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in a afghan on the couch, while Abbey and Lewy watched cartoons in a little pillow pile my dad made them. I was in and out of sleep from the medicine, but I felt better; I sweated first, but then I got cold and managed to get comfortable by night fall. I didn't eat, I slept and tried to get better; Lewy was fed and slept in Abbey's bed with her. During the night, I got up to use the bathroom and saw him climbing out of her bed, and whimpering. He saw me and rushed over to me; I picked him up, "Hey, bubba."

He immediately buried his face into my chest, letting out a small cry, "Mama."

"Did you have a bad dream, love?" I pet his hair back.

Lewy shook his head, causing me to smile, "It's okay, bubba, mommy's here. I'll take care of you."

I carried him to the living room and wrapped up in the afghan with me. He sucked on his pacifier clipped to his night shirt, while I rubbed his back. I turned the TV on and flipped the channels until I got to MTV where late night videos were playing. I smiled when I saw it was the boys' new video; This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race. Lewy watched, clapping his hands when he saw Pete, "There's daddy, and Uncle Patrick, Uncle Andy and silly Uncle Joe."

He watched intently until it was over and then he fell asleep a few minutes after. I had shut the TV off and shut my eyes tight, feeling that dizzying feeling in my head. Lewy's breathing was able to get me to sleep within minutes of being in the dark.

In the morning, I caught him climbing off me. I opened my eyes and looked at him, "Mama, my butt."

I smiled, "Your diaper?"

He nodded; I got up, "Let's get you changed, love."

I picked him up and carried him to Abbey's room; she was getting up, too. She yawned, "Navy, I want pancakes."

"Uh, tell daddy, I'm changing Lewy's diaper right now, sweetie."

"Okay," she said cheerily and hopped out of the room.

I finished changing Lewy's diaper, my dad was already in the kitchen cooking. I inhaled through my nostrils deeply, trying to keep the nausea that was coming over me, away. I was starving, but I felt too sick to eat; carrying Lewy to the kitchen, my stomach rumbled upon smelling bacon and eggs.

"Hungry?" My dad asked.

"Yes, and no," I answered.

"Still sick?"

"Just a little," I sat down with Lewy in my lap, "Gimme some eggs for Lewis."

"Alright," my dad replied.

"What time is it?" I asked.

Abbey drew a breath and answered, "7, 1, 3."

"Thanks, sweetie. Pete should be here soon, I'll go home after I eat. Maybe that's what I need, to eat something good."

"You're in for a treat," my dad said placing a bowl in front of me, "Everything I make is good."

"I know," I said with a laugh.

Amy came in a few minutes after and helped my dad. I ate a few pieces of bacon, my stomach settled, and I managed to eat a piece of toast, three pancakes and nearly a pile of eggs. I felt so much better; "You look good, kid," my dad had said.

"Thanks, dad," I got up with Lewy, "I'm gonna get dressed and then I'm gonna go home, but I'll be back."

"No rush," my dad told me, "Make sure you feel better before you leave anywhere."

"I will, dad."

I got dressed and bundled up Lewy and then got into my car to go home. Thankfully, I arrived without a problem, and turned up the heat, not wanting to get any sicker. Lewy sat with a bottle and watched cartoons; my relief only last a bit; I started to throw up 20 minutes after getting home.

I was in the bathroom when I heard the front door open and shut. "Dad-dee!" I heard Lewy cry.

I flushed the toilet, went to the sink and began to brush my teeth. My heart fluttered when I saw Pete in the reflection of the mirror; he smiled at me, "Sup there, Navy?"

I spat out toothpaste, "I'm sick."

Pete came in fully, with Lewy on his hip, "One of those kids cough on you?"

I shook my head, "It's just a little flu," I continued to brush my teeth.

"You're okay?"

I nodded.

"Will you be able to have drinks for your birthday?" He smiled.

I shook my head and spat out the last of my toothpaste. I rinsed my mouth, toothbrush, and turned the faucet off; "I am not drinking. Not even a beer, I can't imagine throwing up anymore."

"What about cake?"

"Maybe," I shrugged, "I just feel like shit right now, Pete."

He looked worried, "Have you been eating good?"

I turned to face him, "Look at me, I've been eating. I'm a little less than when after I had Lewy, and I'm maintaining it. Kinda wish I was 110 again."

Pete shook his head, "I like chunkier Naomi."

I frowned, "I am not chunky!"

The color drained from his face, "I don't mean it in a bad way."

"You're a jerk," I pushed past him.

Yes, I'm very sensitive about this. I know I've gained an significant amount of weight since Lewis was born, having Pete point it out and actually call me chunky bothered me. It would've made me laugh before, but it stung a little; it's always in the back of my head.

"Navy, I didn't mean it in a bad way!" Pete called to me, as I entered the bedroom, he was right behind me.

"Shut up," I mumbled.

"I love you no matter what you look like," he said, setting Lewy on his feet on the floor, "It sounds cheesy, but I'm serious."

I crossed my arms over my chest, "Shut up, it is cheesy, and you're an asshole."

"Well, how much do you weigh now? I don't even care."

I sighed, "135," I answered in a whisper.

"That's not bad," he sat beside me.

"I've gained like 5 pounds since July," I dropped my arms.

"You can't even tell. You look amazing," I knew he was being sincere.

"I didn't mean to flip out, but I'm sensitive, okay? I'm sick and I'm annoyed as well."

Pete wrapped his arm around my shoulders, "It's okay, I've been like that for the past month."

I licked over my lips, seeing Lewy step over towards me, "How've you been?"

"I'm living, you know that. Nothing other than that. I missed you guys, too."

I picked up Lewy and kissed the top of his head, "We missed you, too, didn't we, bubba?"

Lewy looked up and nodded happily. Pete grinned and laughed, "I hope he understood that question."

"I'm sure he did, he missed you so much."

Lewy nodded again, making us smile and laugh.

Pete kissed his forehead, "I missed you so much, too, little dude."