This Is Me and You Until We've Got Nothing Left

Another dull lonely month fell routine for me. Lewy was more cooperative with me, and he didn't cry every morning like before. Benji was a restless baby who didn't sleep well unless he was wrapped up tight and sleeping in my bed. I spent a lot of time really wanting to break of the mundane life I had, but I had chosen this and I couldn't just give my kids up because I was tire of knowing my routine without opening my eyes. I hated my job, I hated being alone, and I hated Pete. He got the easy part of our lives and I was extremely angry about that, and the fact that I did all the work while he had such a fabulous lifestyle.

I would see him on MTV talking about his damn band and his stupid lifestyle. I saw him on that Cribs show and I just wanted to strangle him. But, I didn't ever say it or become angry when he would call.

When Pete's birthday came, I had Lewy call him. They talked for a bit before Lewy said Pete wanted to talk to me. I had pressed the phone to my ear, "Yeah?"

"I'll be in Chicago soon and I got tickets for the tour, do you wanna come?"

I sighed, "Uh, no, it's okay."

"Hey, how about I leave you backstage passes and you bring Lewy to see me?" He sounded eager.

"I'll have Andrew take him," I said softly, "June 10th and 11th, right? I can't go, I have to work."

He was silent, "Oh, okay."

"Don't worry, Lewis will be there. I'll make sure someone takes him."

"Yeah, thanks," he mumbled.

"Happy Birthday, Pete," I said softly, "You beat the 27 Club."

He chuckled, "Yeah, everyone's been sayin' that."

"Have a great show."

"Thanks, Naomi."

"I'll talk to you soon."

We hung up and I went right back to what I had been doing. I could've gotten off to go take Lewis, but I didn't want to. I was too upset to even face him; I was just so mad and upset, envious of him that I couldn't stand to be around him.

I was becoming a hollow person and I truly just did not like myself. I may've looked like I had it all, but everyone and anyone can get depressed. I didn't eat regularly and I was down to the weight I was in high school, but it didn't even seem like it fit me well. I just didn't want to live the life I was living and I didn't know how to change it. I was alone and I was sick of everyone and everything.

I love my kids, I do, I love them more than I could ever love any person on earth. I wouldn't change them or give them up for the world, so I know it wasn't the fact that I was a mom. It was just how stupid I had been the past couple of years because of Pete, and that was my fault.

I never told anyone about it, because I shouldn't be complaining. I put on a fake smile and continued on as if I was okay. I wasn't okay, I just hated myself and lacked the real ideal to change myself and my life.


When Lewy went with Andrew to see Pete, I had gone into work and then returned home. Mrs. Wentz kept Benji, because the guys were going to come and see family after the show. I was happy to be by myself; I actually got to lie down and cry as loudly as I wanted. It's what I had craved; I needed a release and crying was all I could do. Nothing appealed to me like crying in the shower or alone did.

While I sniffled out on the couch, there came a rapid knock on my door. At first, I didn't want to get up and answer it, but I reluctantly did so, checking my face in the hallway mirror. I looked a little okay, but I knew whoever was at the door would question it.

I opened the door and saw Rob there, smiling faintly. My jaw slacked and his smile fell away, "Oh, Naomi, are you okay?"

I sniffled, rubbing my eyes, "Allergies."

"Oh," he said shifting on his feet.

I stepped aside, "Come in."

He stepped in, "I was kinda bored today...I was waiting for my gear to come in, but it's gonna be another day. I decided to come see if you were busy."

"I don't have any friends, Rob, I ain't busy," I replied, "Uh, you want coffee or something?"

"I was thinking we could go out," he offered with a smile, "I don't have friends here either."

"Sure...where?"

"How about some food? You've been lookin' a little on the thin side," he smiled again.

"Food doesn't appeal to me much. I could go for tea."

"Alright then, but I'd like it if you ate with me."

I couldn't help but to smile, "Okay, you win."

"Great," he grinned now, "I'll wait for you."

I grabbed my bag, slipped on my flip flops, grabbed my keys and followed Rob. I was a little surprised at how quick I had happily excepted his invitation. I figured I was subconsciously over my self loathing.

Rob drove us to a small diner, a new place by LSD. I followed his lead, unsure of what to do; I mean, I hadn't really been out with anyone in a long time. When we had lunch, we usually got fast food and ate in the office.

We got into a small booth, the two of us engrossed in a little awkward silence. I exhaled, "What gear are you waiting for?" I asked.

"My keyboard, some guitars and my 4-track recorders," he answered, "I've been sort of uninspired lately and I figured that having my stuff out here will motivate me."

"Where is your stuff being sent from?"

"LA," he said, "I lived out there, ya'know, and forgot that my friend had it all. I've been thinking about doing a lot, just been empty handed."

"You're lucky you've got something to do," I murmured.

Rob tilted his head, "I was thinking--"

He was cut off by a waitress coming over and asking for our drink orders and then pointing to the menu boards posted behind her. Rob and I ordered burgers and fries and then she went off. He folded his hands, "I was saying, ya'know, since you got fired for modeling, why don't you try modeling again?"

"Well, I've got stretch marks," I said, "Mommies like me aren't supposed to model."

"You don't look bad, Naomi, besides, who says you should model in lingerie? You look good in the pajamas."

I blushed slightly, "I never...used to like modeling. It was just for the money, sorta like a stripper, but less degrading and lots more clothes."

"I can help you," he said happily, "I've got connections, seriously. I mean, if you want to, I'm not pressuring you."

I shook my head, "No, I...I want to do something fulfilling, you know? I don't want to do it for the check, I want to have a job I like...I'm 23 years old, but I feel like I'm fuckin' 40 with no real reason to be alive."

Rob frowned slightly, "I'm sorry, Naomi."

I waved it off, "You don't need to apologize. I've got plenty to live for, I got my little dudes."

"Where are they, by the way?"

"Pete's mom has Benjamin and Andrew took Lewy to see Pete at the Honda Civic tour. He's gonna be here 2 days, so he wanted to see them."

"I think you needed this," he said, "A little outing."

I shrugged, "Maybe."

The waitress returned with our drinks and then went back off. Rob swirled his coffee while I sipped my iced tea; "You were really passionate about teaching weren't you?"

I nodded, "It was fun...nothing was constantly the same. The kids were good, the pay wasn't all that well, but I enjoyed myself. Now my degree is a big waste because I needed money."

"You shouldn't regret it, Naomi," Rob sipped his coffee, "You did it for your son, yeah?"

I nodded sadly, "Yeah, I did. I did everything for Lewis...Pete was always gone and he was living off of merch sales from tour...my dad had Abbey and he worried about me a lot..." I trailed, "It was tempting, but should I have been condemn for wearing a bra and underwear? They acted as if I was in a damn Playboy magazine, eagle spread as a centerfold."

Rob chuckled, "Well, to some extent, it was inappropriate. I'm sure they didn't want the parents to find out and come after you."

I exhaled, "A lynch mob wouldn't have been great."

"You should try for another school--"

"I did, the schools aren't close..." I sipped my tea, "I just feel stuck...maybe I'll go to a night school, find something else I like to do."

"What do you like to do?"

"I used to love to write, I just don't know what to actually write...people say the printed word is dead."

"It isn't dead," he smiled, "Ever thought about writing a book?"

"No. I've been been one to plot things fully."

"You should try it."

"Maybe," I hummed.

When our food arrived, I ate just a little bit. I wasn't all that hungry, my stomach felt in knots most of the time and I wasn't sure as to why. Rob kept me talking though; he was such a sweet guy, he made me forget the troubles I had up in my head.

When we left, he paid the bill after I had tried I split it. I relented and then we left; the ride to my house was pretty quiet. Rob came inside, the two of us sat on the couch; "Hey, you got any drinks?"

"No, sorry. My dad took all the booze I had," I chuckled.

"It's fine," he reclined back, "Can I ask you somethin'?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Was Pete the only guy you dated?"

I shook my head, "He's the only weird serious relationship I had. He was one guy I couldn't shake...even when I wanted to, I couldn't, still can't."

"Your love for him goes deep," he reflected.

"Yeah," I licked over my lips, "It's hard explain the last 6 years."

"You don't gotta explain to me, I was in a relationship like yours, minus the kids," he chuckled.

"Kids weren't planned, but I love them no less. They're my world, I'd do anything for them."

"What about Pete?" He asked curiously.

"He's a great dad, just the band needs him, they're at the height of their success in their careers and I can't make Pete give it up to stop a little tantrum."

"My dad was a film maker," Rob started, "He was gone a bit when I was growing up, he died when I was 12 and I miss him and I kinda wish he would've just made a little more time for me and my brother. We grew up in New York the entire time and I followed my brother to Los Angeles to fill the void I had."

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

"It's okay, I'm over it, in a way. I miss him, just wish I knew him a little better."

"Sometimes I wish Pete was around 24/7...I'm jealous of the life he has, because he can do whatever he wants and I can't. I wish he had to struggle just a little like I do."

"It gets better...one day, he'll see what you go through."

I licked over my lips again, "Sometimes I imagine if I had stayed with my mom and never met Pete...I get sad...I get angry and wish I could go back and warn myself. He's done a lot that's made me feel miserable, he's hurt me and I still love him to no end and I second guess going back in time and stopping myself. I love Lewis and I love Benji," I sighed, "So many what-ifs and it just makes me feel worse."

Rob scooted over closer to me, "You need to mediate," he said with a smile, "Channel all your negative energy."

I giggled, "What?"

"I could help you. I do it a lot."

I smiled, "For real?"

"Yeah, for real."

"Okay, but I swear, I'll be hard to teach."

He smiled, "We'll see."


Rob had gone by nightfall and I was alone in my bed, half asleep. I was right on the edge of it when my phone started to ring. I rolled over, looking at my clock; it was 10PM.

I grabbed my phone and saw Pete's name pop up, "Yeah?"

"I'm coming over to get Lewy's pajamas, okay?"

"Alright," I sighed and got up, "How far are you?"

"I'm about to pull up."

I went out to the living room, hanging up the phone up. I unlocked the door and waited for Pete; not long after, he came in, "Hey."

"Hey," I gestured for him to follow, "Where's Lewis?"

"At my folks, he doesn't have any clean pjs."

In Lewy's bedroom, Pete sat on his bed and waited while I got him the pajamas. I folded them up, got some clothes ready for the next day, too, and then gave them to Pete, "Tell him I love him."

Pete nodded, "Will do."

As he got up, I expected him to leave, but he didn't. I tilted my head, "What?"

He sighed, "Uh, nothing."

I maneuvered around him, shaking my head, "Lemme give you some of his pull-ups just in case."

"Yeah," his voice floated.

"How's Benji? Does he need anything?"

He exhaled, "Oh, uh, nah. Mom just went to the store and got him some fruits and stuff to make him baby food smoothies or something. They're really good."

I grabbed the pull-ups and handed them to Pete, "He isn't too fussy, is he?"

"Nah, he's okay. He's isn't like how Lew was though."

"Yeah, I know," I left the room with Pete following me, "You can bring him--have your mom bring him tomorrow before you leave."

"Yeah, okay," he nodded slowly.

I stopped in front of the hallway to the door and stepped aside for Pete to go. He went, but paused too, "Naomi..."

I looked at him, "Hmm?"

He turned, and came towards me, dropping the clothes, cupping my jaw and kissed me. At first, I allowed it, but then I remembered that this was Pete; I pushed him him away, our lips smacking as they parted, "What the hell are you doing?!" I snapped at him.

He inhaled, "I'm tired of not being able to do that."

"Excuse me? Do you remember what you did to me?" I wiped my mouth.

"What did I do?" His brow furrowed.

"You slept with Kate, you cheated on me, you--"

"You're still mad over me fucking Kate?"

"Yes!" I shouted at him, "That doesn't go away, Pete! Get that through you're fucking skull, you idiot!"

"I said I was sorry."

"Sorry will never cut it or suffice. You don't care about me, you just wanna fuck me."

"That's not true!" He spat out, "I would--"

"You're a liar, Pete. I know you more than you think I do. You don't want me, you just wanna fuck me because I'm convenient for you to. Is that why you came here?"

"No," he answered simply, "I came to get Lewy's pajamas. I just...I dunno, I saw you and I missed you and it's hittin' me how much I love you."

I rolled my eyes, "Did that take you the entire car ride to come up with?"

"Naomi, I'm being serious."

"You just wanna fuck. Go find yourself a groupie, or go call Kate," I bent down and picked up the clothes, "Go home, give these to your son."

Pete just stared at me, "You're really gonna be mad at me for something I did years ago?"

"Yes, I am," I shoved his arm, "Now get out."

"That's not fair--"

"Life will never be fair, Pete!" Anger rushed through me, "I have to work, I have kids to watch, dishes to clean, clothes to wash and bills to pay! You get to do whatever you want, whenever and whoever you want! Me, I have to do everything in my power not to blow my goddamn brains out and leave my kids here! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and grow the hell up, your life isn't that hard, now get out!"

Pete took the clothes from me and then left without a word. I inhaled and leaned against the wall; I finally let myself cry again.