This Is Me and You Until We've Got Nothing Left

I found myself on the couch bawling like a baby. Everything was a blur after I had called my dad. I know that Pete left, and my dad had come over and was asking me all kinds of things that I ignored.

"Where's Lewis?" I had asked groggily.

"He's with Pete, Naomi," my dad said shortly, "Tell me what happened."

I had sniffed, and rubbed my eyes, "He's getting married," I said, "He got his girlfriend pregnant and now they're getting married."

"Who, Pete?" My dad asked; he sat down beside me.

I nodded slowly, crying again, "What was wrong with me, dad? Why didn't he want me? Am I that plain and unattractive?"

My dad sighed, "Naomi, you aren't ugly, and you aren't plain--"

"Yes I am!" I cried, "He was all I wanted and he...he made...he made me love him and he couldn't even love me back! He told me everything and he...got me pregnant and he never asked me to marry him. He never planned to marry me, I bet he never even thought about it."

"Naomi, I thought you didn't love Pete anymore?" My dad questioned softly; he was feeling sorry for me.

"Dad, you know that I do. I love that stupid motherfucker," I muttered, "But now I hate him. How could he do this to me?"

"Naomi, you aren't making much sense," he looked at me with a confused expression, "You have a boyfriend, you've got Rob, suddenly Pete's engaged and you're all broken up?"

"He got another woman pregnant!" I exclaimed, "He's marrying her," my voice cracked, "What makes her so special? Why is she better than me?"

My dad sighed, "I don't know, kiddo. I don't understand that idiot's way of thinking or why he does the stupid shit that he does, but you can't be hung up over Pete anymore. You've got to move on."

I shook my head, more tears built, "I can't, dad. It hurts too much...I know he's done nothing but torture me, but...he was the first guy I ever felt something for. He's broken my heart so many times, but...but..." I couldn't even explain myself anymore.

My dad wrapped his arms around me as I broke down again. My chest hurt, as did my head and I knew that my heart was literally ripping in two. I wanted to die, figuratively, and really never see Pete again, despite how much I love him.

"I'm so sorry," my dad expressed deeply, "I never wanted this for you."

I couldn't speak, saying anymore took too much effort and I was ready to hide away for the rest of my life.


The next morning, my dad woke me up; he had stayed with me that night, just to make sure I was okay. He came into my bedroom and shook me a little, waking me, "Hey, how are you?"

I rubbed my eyes, "Headache," I said softly; my temples throbbed but it wasn't bad, just irritating. I opened my eyes and saw my dad with Benji, I smiled, happily forgetting yesterday's mess; "Hey birthday boy."

Benji cooed and smiled; my dad handed him to me, "I expected you'd have one. I made you tea, like Amy makes it."

"Thanks, dad," I sat up and held Benji, "I'm kinda hungry."

"I had a feeling," he chuckled, "Amy's cookin' and I'm taking you and Benny home with me. I gave Benny a bottle, so he's good for a little while."

"Lemme shower after I drink some tea," I coursed my hair back, "I need to go get Lewy."

My dad sat down beside me, "I know, but right now you should let him stay with Pete, let Benny go over there, it is his birthday."

I shook my head, "He doesn't deserve my sons. Pete doesn't deserve one minute of time with them."

"You're upset, Naomi, and you know deep down that wanting them away from Pete, and out of their lives, is unrealistic and downright wrong."

"Then what should I do?" I snapped, "He's hurt me, and he's gonna hurt my kids."

"He ain't gonna hurt them, he's their dad. How would you feel if your mom had kept you from me?"

"She practically did, dad," my voice was softer this time.

My dad shook his head, "No, I told her to take care of you, especially when I moved from Peoria, when I broke up with whatsherface," he paused, "Remember? I felt like crap all the time and I didn't want to bring you into it, that's why you were with her for so long, and I assumed that she would take excellent care of you. I didn't know half the things you went through, but I was the one who wanted you with her, so I wouldn't drag you into hating me for how depressed I was."

"Then you understand," I said shortly, "Pete'll make promises and break their hearts, and I don't want that to happen to them. I know what it's like with Pete, I can't let it happen; not to my boys, I love them too much."

My dad inhaled and then exhaled deeply, "You really think Pete would do that, honestly, Naomi?"

"Yes, I do. He's a selfish prick. Let him go ruin his other kid's life," I grumbled.

"You can't be spiteful to his other child. They didn't ask to be here, they never did anything wrong."

I felt tears coming on, "I know that, dad. I know. But, it hurts, you don't understand--"

He cut me off, "No, I understand. I know exactly how you're feeling."

I blinked, confused, "How?"

"Whatsherface did the exact same thing Pete is doing to you. She cheated on me...she was cheating the entire 4 years we were together," my dad looked away, "She met this guy, said she was in love, said she was pregnant, by him, and she left me. She stomped on me, Naomi, like I was nothing, and it fucking hurt me...I didn't know a person could feel internal pain like that."

I felt horrible for my dad. He was usually this man who didn't seem to feel any emotional pain. He was tough, I knew that, and I also knew he had been through a rough breakup, I just didn't know the extent of it.

"I'm sorry, dad," I murmured.

He smiled slightly, "Kid, I've been okay with it since I met Amy. I got over it, but I know exactly what you're going through and how much it's gonna hurt to get over."

"You never have to see her again," I countered, "I let Pete continue to be in their lives, I have to relive it over and over again. He gets to be happy and I'm gonna be miserable."

My dad shook his head, "Pete ain't ever gonna be happy, Naomi, believe me. Life is like a race track," he used his index finger to create a circle in the air, "It goes around and around fast, and he's bound to crash. He's gonna hurt like you are, it's called karma...just deserts, kid."

"Well, what did I do to deserve this?" I questioned angrily.

"Nothing. These things happen, you learn and grow from them," my dad answered, "You learn not to do what Pete did to others. You learn not to deal with guys like him again."

"You're right, dad," I rubbed my forgotten tears away, "It just sucks. I...I thought...I dunno why I didn't expect it from him, I mean...it should've been obvious."

"Did you want to be with him, Naomi? Even after everything?"

"Yeah...I'm stupid."

He sighed, "You're not stupid, I understand being in love. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe it'll help you realize how much better you are without him."

"You could be right," I sighed, "Even with thinking that, it won't hurt any less than it does now."

"One day," my dad began softly, "You'll be very happy and this day will be a faint memory. You'll probably cringe at the way you cried and how angry you were."

"I hope so, dad."

"You love a lot, Naomi, and it sometimes backfires."

I could only nod, "It's the worse."

My dad stood, taking Benji, "It may be, but it isn't a bad thing."

"Should I let him see the boys?" I asked.

My dad thought for a moment, looking at Benji, then at me, "I'm sure he's gonna be gone for awhile, he's..." My dad trailed, "This'll be a goodbye in a way, you know what I mean?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

"Just let him see Benji and Lewy, even if he is an asshole, he is their dad and they love him, he loves them."

"It's hard to believe," I mumbled to myself.

"I'll take Benji over while you're in the shower. I'll even pick them up for you later, so you won't have to see him."

I stood, too, "Thanks, dad."

"No problem."

I kissed Benji's face, "Mommy loves you, baby boy."

He giggled, saying, "Hey," as soon I brushed his hair back with my fingers.

My dad got him ready while I got into the shower. I stood under the water for awhile, letting my mind go blank, forgetting about it all. Sure, it lasted for a bit, but I knew it would all come flooding back when I least expected it to.


All day long, it kept flooding back. God, his smug smile was imprinted in my head. I spent the better part of the afternoon keeping silent while watching TV. Even when my dad suggested going over to the Wentzs' to see Benji and eat cake, I refused and sat alone at their house. When they were gone, I got a call from Rob, asking me where I was.

I felt completely terrible for forgetting about him. I had told him I was at my folks and he told me he'd be over. I didn't tell him not to come, because I really did want to see him.

When he arrived, I immediately let him in and embraced him. He was taken by surprise, "Oh, wow," he chuckled, "I wasn't expecting this."

His arms enclosed around me tightly, "I just...it's hard to explain," I murmured against his neck.

"Are you okay, Naomi?" He asked curiously.

I breathed, "...My heart's broken."

Tears were building and I couldn't stop them. It was such a shame, me crying against Rob, over Pete. I wish it wasn't like this.

"What happened?" Rob questioned.

"It's dumb."

"Ain't dumb if you're crying about it."

"If I tell you, I don't want you to be upset."

"Is it bad?"

"I'm not sure, but it hurts."

Rob pulled back and placed his hands gently on my hips. His eyes scanned across my face, "You can tell me, Naomi."

I swallowed, "I care so much about you," I told him, "But there's just...something inside of me that'll--that's stuck on Pete."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

I shook my head, "No, Rob, I'm just trying to explain the reason I'm so...I'm all fucked up."

"What's Pete gotta do with it, then?"

My bottom lip quivered, "He told me he's having a baby and marrying someone else."

Rob blinked, "Oh...wow."

"And it...it hurts really badly," I sniffed as the tears rolled down my cheeks, "I don't know why I care as much as I do."

Rob brought his hands up to cup my jaw and wiped my tears away with his thumbs, "It's okay, Naomi, you told me about him. To be honest, I'd be surprised if you didn't feel a little upset about it."

"So, you're not freaked out?"

He laughed and shook his head, "No. I know your relationship wasn't just something small. Hell, you got 2 kids with that fuckhead."

I actually felt a little better. The dread seemed to slip away, "Thanks for understanding."

"It's cool, Naomi. I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you."

I hugged Rob again, "Thanks, because I'm gonna need some help getting over this shit."

He kissed my temple, "It's no problem, Naomi."

Rob stayed with me until my family returned with the boys. He left just after; he let me vent the entire time, which I really needed to do. I had cried a little more, but it wasn't to the point of me having a migraine.

My dad drove me home awhile later; all was quiet. Lewy was very unhappy about coming home, but he didn't throw a tantrum. My dad had helped me inside, settling Lewy on the couch, while I put Benji on my bed; he was already asleep. The presents Benji got were placed in his room; my dad talked with Lewy and then came over to me, towards the front door; "Lewy's upset, Pete told him he wouldn't see him for awhile, but he'd call him."

I rolled my eyes, "Sure."

"I told him not to bother you, I told him that if he wanted to talk to Lewy to call me."

I raised a brow, "How would that work?"

"It's simple, I'll pick him up every afternoon, or I'll call you on 3-way."

I sighed, "Geez, dad, you shouldn't bend over backwards for that jerk."

"I'm not doing it for Pete, I'm doing it for Lewy."

"Yeah, okay."

My dad kissed my head, "I'll check on you tomorrow.

"Alright."

My dad left, leaving me alone with the boys. I went to the living room, finding Lewis lying on the couch, watching the TV; "What's wrong baby? Do you miss daddy?"

He nodded, beckoning me to pick him up, which I did. He wrapped his arms around my neck, "He goes away lot," he mumbled.

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about it, bub."

He rested his head on my shoulder, "I sleep wit' you?"

I hummed, "If you want. Lets go put your pajamas on first."

I carried Lewy into my bedroom after he was in his pjs; Benji was asleep on one side of my bed, while Lewy and I got in the other side. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the back of his head, "I love you so much, Lew, you know that?"

He hummed, "Uh-huh."

"You know I love you more than anything on earth, you and Benji?"

"Yeah."

I felt myself becoming choked up, "And I love your daddy just as much...me and him are just...we're always mad at each other, you know what I mean?"

He shook his head, "No."

"We don't get along," I said, brushing his hair back, "But I love him just as much as I love you and Benji."

"Why?"

I sighed, "I don't know, I just do."

"You're sad?"

I nodded slowly, "Yeah," I felt the tears fall, "Yeah, I'm really sad, bub."

"Cuz daddy?"

"Cuz of daddy. He made me sad."

"How?"

"He's doing something I don't like and it hurts."

Lewy rolled over to look at me, "Where it hurts?"

I pointed to my chest, where my heart is, "In my heart. It hurts a lot."

"Do you wan' a kiss?" He asked.

I smiled and shook my head, "No, a kiss won't make it better, but thanks, Lew."

"'Kay," he snuggled against me, "Love you, mommy."

I kissed the crown of his head, "I love you, bubba."

I listened to both boys snooze softly, while my mind drifted. I was crying yet again, thinking about all I had gone through. It wasn't a major feat in making it along this far, but it felt like it. Like I had threaded through broken glass and was faced with hot coals.

Living without someone I considered my soulmate was the task of hot coals. I wasn't even sure what would be waiting for me on the other side, and I sure as hell wasn't looking forward to it. I just wanted the torture to stop, I wanted the road to be clear and easy. I wanted to make it out alive. If I did, it wouldn't be unharmed.

It felt like all the things he ever promised me weren't even real. He lied and it hurt, I believe, most of all. He always used to say that it would be me and him until he had nothing left; I know now that all of his fancy wordplay was just a bunch of lies.

But, he said it best: the best part of believe is the lie.