Endlessly

I slammed the door of my truck so hard I heard the axis rattle, and stomped up the steps and into my house. I was so frustrated I was surprised I hadn't punched anything yet. But my brothers always had that sort of charm on me, so it was bound to happen in the near future.

I was close, so damn close, to kissing her. She had wanted it too, I had seen it in her eyes and felt it in the way her body gave way against mine. I couldn't remember a time I had ever been this furious at the fame (and the fans). The stupid kids just had to wreck it.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Marc chided as I stormed past the living room.

"Unless you want to die today, I suggest you shut your fucking mouth," I growled, my fists balling automatically at my sides.

"What happened?" Eric's head popped out from the doorway to the kitchen. His happy-go-lucky smile fell when he saw the snarl etched on my face. "Easy there, big guy. Whatever happened, its not worth a fight..." He took a slow step towards me, hands out in front of him, like I was going to attack him or something.

"Jesus, Eric. I'm not a fucking crouching tiger. I just... Rae was... We almost..." I grunted in exasperation, unable to find the right words. "She almost let me kiss her," I admitted.

Both him and Marc formed little 'o's with their mouths. My parents, Tanya, and Parker had suddenly made themselves very scarce.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Marc asked carefully, still giving me the crouching tiger look.

"Some fucking kid's fucking phone fucking went off, and it was fu-"

"I'm going to stop you, bud, before you say something you'll regret later," Eric interrupted.

"What are you-" I stopped halfway through my sentence again, as I saw Rae step out of her car. "God dammit," I muttered. I gave my brothers a mournful look. "Can you please cover for me? I can't deal with that right now."

They both nodded and I booked it up to my room. Sighing, I dropped onto my bed, then fell silent, straining to hear the muffled conversation down stairs. My brothers respectively kept the conversation strictly on the trip for most of it.

That is until Rae asked, "Where's Jordan?" My heart gave a painfully squeeze at the betrayed tone of her voice.

"He... couldn't be here," Marc answered, doing a horrible job of covering.

"He's upstairs isn't he?" Her voice drifted up through the air ducts, rejected and lonely.

Silence followed, until I heard the screen door swipe shut and the crunch of gravel under tires as a car pulled away. I rolled my face into my pillow and let loose an anguished yell. Why was she so damn frustrating? One second she wants to chew me out, and the next she sounds depressed because I don't want to talk to her. I was starting to get whiplash; although God knows I'd go through a hell of a lot more than whiplash if it meant being with her.

The house gave familiar creaks and groans, but all sounds of human activity were gone. I shut my eyes, recalling my stolen moments with Rae at the rink. The soft smile on her face as she looked around, and the blush that had crept up her neck when I'd mentioned the bleachers. The way she'd leaned against me in a hug as I talked about my first goal. The surprise in her eyes when I'd tugged her against me completely, and the desire that followed it. My body shuddered involuntarily, the feeling of her breath so real it was like she was right next to me...

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4:30 AM was not an appropriate time to be awake during the off season.

The road stretched on in front of my truck as I battled with sleep, struggling to keep my eyelids from closing. Rae's house might've only been a half mile away, but it felt like hours until I pulled into the driveway. Jared was already snoring in the back seat, fast asleep, so he was no help in rousing in the last of our troops.

The two of us hadn't talked since the... incident... and I was hoping this wasn't going to wind up being super awkward, like being at the same club as the team you just beat, awkward.

Stepping out of the pick-up, I walked on autopilot, my feet knowing the precise route to the barn, and up the loft steps. I didn't even bother knocking on her door; I was too exhausted to be polite. Barging in, I let my eyes adjust to the surprisingly dark space. Go figure. She's still fucking sleeping.

I shuffled my way around various pieces of furniture, cursing loudly every time I stumbled over something. Practically splitting her door in two in the process of getting it open, I burst into her room, irritated.

However, the irritation was quickly subdued as I took in her sleeping form, curled up under a pale purple comforter. Her hair was a wild mess, blonde locks sticking up at random angles. Her lips were parted in a perfectly kissable way, and her breath left them in hushed whispers. For a moment, my mind wandered, wondering if this was what I would have woken up next to everyday had I not had my head up my ass. I let my mind wander to the idea of coming home to her after a long road trip, and spending the entire night wrapped up in each others' arm.

Literally shaking the thoughts from my head, I glanced around the room until I found what I was looking for; her duffel bag. I slung it over my shoulder, before making my way to where Rae slept.

"Rae?" I whispered, gently brushing my fingers over her bedhead. A soft, grumbled moan answered, and she turned her face into the pillow. "Babe," I said, automatically, and jerking when I realized what word had left my lips. If Rae noticed, she didn't let on. Thank God.

"Come on, I'll carry you to the car," I compromised, bending closer to her ear, blowing a gentle stream of air against it. I smiled when her shoulder hunched up, protecting her ticklish spot. "You got three seconds to make up your mind before I throw you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes," I growled playfully, my breath still tickling her ear.

"Fine!" she spoke suddenly, and surprisingly loud. Flopping over on her back, she lifted her arms up to me, eyes still closed. I didn't hesitate as I scooped her up in my arms. Her face burrowed itself against my neck, and she gave a single shiver against the chilled morning air. I felt my entire body give a collective sigh of relief, content to be reunited with Rae's, if only temporary.

I muscled my way through her little apartment, and grunted, "Shoes?" when I reached the door, looking at the sneakers sitting on the floor.

She shook her head, her hair caressing my cheek. "Duffel," she mumbled.

Satisfied with her answer, I shut the door behind us with my foot, not bothering to lock it. When I finally made it down to my truck, my arms were only vaguely achy, a reminder of how much I'd changed since Rae had last been in them. I strapped her into the passenger seat, before tossing her duffel in the truck bed and climbing in myself.

Three hours to the lake, I can make it.

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Around two hours into our little road trip, I caught up to Eric's truck and boat trailer on the highway. I matched my speed to his, before engaging cruise control. Finally, I could zone out and just drive on instinct.

I glanced over to where Rae was curled, and started slightly when I found her gazing back at me. We sat in silence for a few moments before I had to glance at the road again, for fear of killing us all. When I brought my eyes back to her face, I found it turned away, her eyes staring out the windows.

And that's the way it is when you break someone's heart.

I let the silence stretch, not sure if Rae had fallen back asleep, or remained awake. I didn't really want to check, in case she caught me staring again. It's not like the silence was uncomfortable, either. It was filled with the familiarity that comes when two people have shared everything they have to give. But, it was also filled with a lonely sadness, echoed with memories of unanswered phone calls, empty beds, and everything we lost.

"Rae," I started, my voice thick with emotion I rarely showed.

"Jared's faking it."

My eyes found the rear-view mirror at her suggestion, and sure enough, Jared stared guiltily back at me. I nodded, and turned on the radio to fill quiet and drown out the loneliness.

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By ten that morning, everything was unpacked; the tents laid out, awaiting set-up; food stashed away from prying animal noses; the boat floating near the shore, tied to a tree; and an impressive mound of fire would piled near a makeshift pit.

The girls had changed into bikinis half an hour ago, but covered up in t-shirts and refused to reveal them. Now, they sat in my truck bed, packing enough food for a day on the boat. We had a free weekend at the lake, and we weren't about to waste it.

Us boys preferred to go shirtless, for various reasons. First, we took freedom from restrictive clothing when we could, seeing as we spent three-quarters of our lives in some form of spandex. Second, we were guys, and it was summer. Third, a reason really for me and only me, I was hoping to remind Rae what she was missing. I hadn't been scrawny when I left, but I'd bulked up a hell of a lot since then.

So, our little campground looked like a photo shoot for ESPN's Body Issue. Between the four of us, there wasn't a moment when at least one of us wasn't flexing, trying to exert dominance.

"If you boys are done showing off, we figured we should get out on the lake," Tanya teased, earning bashful smiles from the lot of us.

I untied the boat as everyone clambered into the boat, trying to remain as dry as possible. Which, I might add, was not very much considering the amount of splashing going on. Rae was the last on, and I tried not to stare as she wiggled her ass and hauled her long legs into the boat.

In a practiced movement, I shoved the boat from the shoreline, pushing off with my legs, and launching myself into the bow. I lifted my head just in time to watch Rae peel her T-shirt off, and my mouth went instantly dry. I hadn't realized how much skin a bikini actually showed until now. It was a mint-colored little number, with an embroidered lace pattern that drew the eyes along her cleavage and the top of her ass. Eric hit the throttle, and the wind sent her hair flying back behind her.

"Holy shit," Jared breathed from beside me. I turned instantly, my hands moving automatically to his chest, shoving him down.

"You wanna repeat that?" I threatened, my vision a haze of red. Rae was hot, yes. Not just hot, actually. Smoking hot. But she was mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.

I saw Jared swallow as he shook his head, so I released him, warning in place. I turned around to find Rae lounging on the bench seat of the back, eyes hidden behind reflective aviators, but smirking nonetheless. She had seen the whole exchange, and seemed very pleased with herself.

"Who's up for a little beach action?" Eric shouted over the howl of the wind.

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The boat had been anchored off a 'beach' on the lake shore for well over three hours. We had already drank through a six-pack of beer, and my brothers and I had consumed our fair share of food. The sky was cloudless, and the sun warm enough to make the water enticing.

Eric and Tanya had wandered off down a wooded trail, probably to go make out. Jared and Marc had convinced me into the water and to race them towards shore, leaving Rae to hold down the fort. The moment we stepped on the beach, four girls approached us, eying us up. Marc did most of the talking, with Jared looking on, while I slowly let myself fade into the background. After the girls' fifth round of high pitched giggles, I was done.

After I bid them a brief farewell, I wandered back into the water, wading thigh-deep. I could make out Rae sunning herself on the back of the boat, looking like a magazine ad for swimwear or summer, or both. I took my time swimming back to the boat, enjoying the feeling of having no where to be and all day to get there.

When I was close enough for her to hear me, I splashed my feet loudly once, to warn her of my approach. She turned her head my way, and shot back a small smile. Her fingers dragged through the water, sending a small, friendly wave of water at me. "Hi," she mumbled quietly, sounding drunk on the sun,

"Hi," I replied, equally content.

"Not your type of girls?" she asked, her face remaining neutral.

So, she had been watching us on the beach. "Nah. I got the only girl I want right here," I said as nonchalantly as possible, flicking a few droplet of water at her to keep the mood light.

It earned me a real smile this time. "You gonna tread water all day?"

At her invitation I pulled myself up onto the boat deck by her feet, before standing up and moving so I was dripping on her sun-soaked skin.

"Jordan!" she squealed, trying to move away but having no where to go but the lake.

"Come on," I begged, "The water feels great."

She shook her head, still trying move away from my drip-zone. Grinning, I reached down a grabbed ahold of her elbows, locking her in close. She gasped. "No! Absolutely not!" She began to struggle, trying squirm from my grasp. "Jordan Staal, let me go this instant or I'll- I'll- I'll tell your mother!"

"Will you now? I think I'll risk the punishment." I gave her my best Big Bad Wolf grin before taking a step closer to the water.

Her tactic changed with her face. Her fingers drew soft circles on my biceps, and I fought off shudders. "Please Jordan, don't do this." She took of her sun glasses and hit me with her very best puppy-dog eyes.

I groaned, before rotating us so my back was facing the water, and hers was facing the boat. She let out a sigh, her body relaxing. That's when I struck.

Wrapping my arms around her waist, pulling her close, I launched both of us over the side of the boat. She gasped exactly a second before we hit the water.

I let us stay suspended in the water for a few moments, relishing in the feeling of Rae's mostly naked body pulled against mine. Through the water I heard her let out a frustrated yell. I chuckled, gently nudging her away so we could ascend without kicking each other. No doubt out of spite, I felt Rae land a soft blow to my abdomen.

I broke the surface laughing. She held onto her frown for all of three seconds, before she started giggling as well. Kicking her feet, she floated up onto her back. I followed suit, drifting nearby.

We were quiet for quite sometime, and when Rae spoke it was surprisingly somber. "How many girls like that have you slept with?"

My eyes went wide, and I tried to turn my head to look at her, but wound up sinking into the water. "Jesus, Rae," I sputtered.

"I just want to know."

I sighed, but figured I owed her an answer. "Honestly, I lost track. But it's not for the same reasons you think it is. Is it okay if I'm completely honest here? Even if you don't want to hear it?"

She made a soft noise that sounded like an agreement, so I pressed on. "I suppose I should say it first, so, here it goes. The sex is nice sometimes. Takes the mind off of everything that's screwed up in life. But, mostly, for me at least, I just really hate sleeping alone. My apartment is so quiet at night, and my bed so empty... sometimes I just can't stand it anymore and decide to take a girl home. I know it's the same for some other guys too. Being in the NHL, it gets pretty lonely when you never have anyone to come home to."

"Is it different, with those girls? How can you just let them leave in the morning? Don't they ever stick around?"

"Easy. They aren't you. I know what it's like when it's with someone you love, and so everything else is so... incomplete. Not quite right. As for the girls, a few stick around for a little while, but most figure out pretty fast that I'm missing a few pieces. Not a complete set anymore. They leave because despite the money and the fame, I'm still someone else's leftovers. Your leftovers."

She was quiet again, so I asked my question. "What about you? Were there any guys after me?"

She huffed in annoyance. "Yes. There were a few. But it's only been five years. And it's not like I was working the corner or anything. But I still know their names and can see their faces." I cringed, knowing this was an insult directed at me. "They were all nice. Really nice. But, it was kind of like what you said earlier. Just for companionship. After all, they..."

I never got hear the rest of what she was going to say, because Marc bellowed from the beach, "Hey, lover birds! Would you mind hauling the boat back to the site? We're going to walk back and pick up some supplies on the way!"

I grumbled, before shouting back my agreement. Rae had already begun swimming back to the boat, and our stolen moments drifted away.