Endlessly

I was sitting on a fallen log when Eric, Tanya, Marc and Jared got back. Jared paused, and glanced around before asking, "Where's Rae?"

I nodded once in the general direction of my truck, which she had disappeared into five minutes prior to change out of her bikini. And all I could think about was her bare skin sliding over my leather seats. Keeping my friend downstairs in check was getting to be a real hassle.

"Ooof. Rough one bro," Marc commented, clapping me on the shoulder.

I turned away from the truck quickly as Rae stepped out, now clad in cut-off jeans and sweatshirt, bikini dangling suggestively from one hand. Before my mind could wander any further, I lept up to help Jared set up the tents.

There were three of them, and I had been waiting all week for someone to suggest sleeping arrangements. But so far, no one had so much as mentioned them. I assumed Eric and Tanya would sleep together, but that left four people, and two tents. Three guys, and one girl. I'd done the mental math, and discovered there was no way Marc, Jared, and myself could squeeze into one tent and give Rae her own. So, someone was going to have to sleep with her.

"Where are we sleeping?" I grunted quietly to Jared, as I forced down the tent stake into a small ring on the supports.

"In the tents?" I shot him a no-shit-Sherlock look. "Oh. You mean like-- Oh. I assumed I was with Marc and you were with Rae. Same way it's always been, right?"

He had a point. Rae and I had always shared a tent on camping trips. Why stop now? It would be an easy argument if she put up a fight. I mean, why try to fix something that was never broken?

-----

I spent all of dinner half listening, half plotting my way into Rae's tent. But, once again, Marc came to my rescue.

By midnight, the fire had died down considerably, and everyone was getting sleepy thanks to a long day and full stomachs. Eric and Tanya were the first to turn in, under a hail of inappropriate comments. Jared followed shortly, practically falling into a tent. That left Marc, Rae, and me all trying not to stare at each other in the semi-awkward silence.

"Well," Marc announced, slapping his thighs loudly for emphasis, "I'm exhausted, and if I plan on getting some tomorrow, I got to rest up. G'night." He gave Rae an affectionate hair ruffle, and me a not-so-affectionate slug to the arm.

The moment of truth came when he walked toward the only two tents with available space. I'm pretty sure Rae and I collectively held our breath, knowing the fate of our night lay in his hands. When he crawled in next to Jared, I didn't know whether to sigh in relief or for my heart to hammer away in nervousness.

I turned to steal a glance at Rae, who was staring at the fire, probably contemplating our current situation.

"You can go in first, get settled," I offered. "Take as much time as you need. Just let me know when I can join you."

She shot me an un-readable look before rising slowly and making her way toward our tent. Wow. I forgot what it felt like to actually have an 'our's.

I sat out there by the dying fire for what felt like an hour, before the tent unzipped behind me, and Rae whispered, "You can come in now."

I rose slowly, just like Rae had, and the weight of our situation sunk in. What I did tonight could very well determine whether Rae would ever let me back in her life. So, I decided to do just as I promised: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Rae was snuggled into her sleeping bag, lying on her side, curled towards my empty space. Her eyes were shut, though I knew she wasn't sleeping. Using all the self-control I could muster, I slipped into my own sleeping bag, and got as comfortable as possible on the bumpy ground. I took one last long look at Rae, to hopefully satisfy my dreams, before flopping over on my other side, away from her.

I shut my eyes, willing sleep to come before I lost control of myself. Thankfully, it slid over me, taking over me like a drug.

-----

When I woke, I was a little disoriented. An unknown source of heat was pressed against my side, and something had my arm pinned down at an awkward angle. As I cracked an eye to figure out where I was, someone whispered, "Shit!" a little too loudly, and there was a brief moment of rustling. Then everything was quiet again.

My eyes slowly relayed information back to my brain to process. I was in a tent, that explained the rustling. The camping trip, you dumbass. I turned my head, and my heart skipped at least four beats. Rae was pressed in close to my side, and my arm, which I must've thrown out to the side during the night, was now doubling as her pillow. Her face was still relaxed in a deep sleep, and I could feel her soft breathing through the cotton of my t-shirt. Oh boy. I was going to lose my shit right here, just from waking up next to her.

By the time I'd gotten myself(and my good friend downstairs) under control, there was more rustling from the opening of the tent. Eric poked his head in, grinning cheekily and holding a camera. He made a hand motion that was completely lost on me, so he hissed out, "I got some great shots of you two. Look like an old married couple." Rae made a soft noise, and Eric whispered, "Oops," before leaving us in peace again.

Rae let out an irritated sigh as her body slowly began to pull itself into wakefulness. She rolled closer into me, pressing her entire face into the crook my collarbone created next to my shoulder.

I stayed utterly stock-still. She remained relaxed for a few moments, before her entire being jerked into a frozen position. Slowly, she rotated out of her hiding spot in my shoulder, and turned her big blues up at me.

"Sorry," she said softly, jerking her head once, indicating her infringement on my personal space.

I just shook my head in response, and gave into my impulse to pull her close. Wrapping my arms around her back, I hugged her to my chest. Rae, either giving into my requests as a second chance (doubtful) or a little loopy from sleep (more likely), lightly traced the outline of my ear, sending erotic tingles shooting down my nerve synapses. "Don't be sorry," I whispered, "I haven't slept that well in ages."

"Mmm-hmmm," she agreed in a slow hum, seemingly content in my arms.

"I can't believe I survived three years without this."

She let out a soft sigh, her breath tickling my neck. Her hands curled into fists, twisting my shirt as she shifted into a more comfortable position, thankfully still in my arms. "I can't believe nobody else kidnapped you and held you prisoner until you agreed to marry them," she mumbled sleepily.

I couldn't help but chuckle, happy that she was satisfied enough to joke. "Guess what?" I said as I pressed my face into her hair, testing my limits, as well as Rae's.

"What?" Her fingers brushed along my jaw, gingerly exploring my two days' worth of stubble.

"I invited some teammates up to visit."

She tensed, and I knew she was with holding a fan-girl freakout. "Which teammates?" Failing incredibly at sounding nonchalant, she pulled back to see my face.

"Oh, you know. Sid, Flower, and Tanger. They-"

My words were cut off as Rae let out a shriek. "They're coming here? When? Oh my God. Wait..." her voice turned dangerously quiet. "I get to meet them, right?"

I let her sit in agony for a few moments, before responding. "Yes, ma'm."

She actually squeaked out some high pitch giggle-slash-scream, and then tackled me into a hug. "You are the best! I freaking love you!" Her grin faded in about two seconds, as her words washed over us. "Oh, I didn't-- uh--" she breathed.

Almost gingerly she peeled herself off of me, slowly backing away and giving me some breathing room.

"I, uh, maybe Tanya needs some help with packing for the day? Yeah?" I asked, trying sort through the awkwardness of the situation.

She gave me a painfully numb nod, and I got the sick feeling she was trying to erase any budding feelings she'd just had for me.

---

Somehow, we all made it through the day without any further incidents. Rae and I kept a little more distance, but other than that everything went smoothly. As night fell, us boys started the primordial battle over who gets to grill over the fire. I eventually won, somehow beating out my brothers through semi-fudged hockey stats.

Eric, Marc, Tanya, and Jared all set up a game of bean bags that had been hauled along. To my surprise Rae gave no objection, instead just mentioning that she was going for a walk along the water and calling her folks. I looked on longingly as she disappeared down the shoreline, while I was stuck roasting the stupid hot dogs I'd fought for.

Just as the hot dogs were getting done, Rae reappeared, slipping her cell phone into a back pocket. She picked her way past the bean bag game and over to the fire, plopping down onto a log with a sigh.

"Everything alright?" I asked cautiously, trying to over step the boundaries we'd so hastily crossed that morning.

She shrugged. "I don't know. My mom's worried. About me. Being here." She lifted her head to glance at me. "With you."

I automatically tightened my grip on the metal tongs I was holding, trying squelch the urge to jump to my own defense. Her parents had every right to hate me. I broke their daughter's heart and was part of the reason they had to leave their home. "I already told you, Rae. If you ever give me a second chance, I would spend the rest of my life making it all up to you. I don't care if your parents hate me."

Rae ran a hand through her hair, and stood up to pace closer to me, frustrated. "That's the thing. I know that. I knew that. And you still left, Jordan. What happens if we get married, and have kids, and you have to leave them behind all the time? You won't be able to just leave them because you decide it would be easier."

"What makes you think I'd leave you, let alone my own kids?"

"You did once, there's nothing saying that you won't do it again."

"I am! I'm saying it won't happen again! God dammit, Rae!" I flung the tongs to the ground in a display of anger that was way too dramatic for my own taste. I had no doubt my brothers and Tanya were now watching, but I didn't give a rat's ass. I grabbed Rae's elbows, pulling her closer, before letting my hands slide up her arms and neck, before finally coming to a halt on her cheeks. "I don't know what else you want me to say or do. I can promise you everything, anything. If you asked for a fucking unicorn, I'd make it fucking happen," I let my voice sink to a more reasonable volume.

"Jordan," she whispered, moving her hands to rest over the top of my own, and pulling them from her face. "You can make all the promises in the world, but nothing guarantees that it won't happen again. And I don't know if I can deal with no guarantees."

"There are no guarantees in life, Rae. Shit happens, people make mistakes. I don't want us to be a mistake."

She gave me sad smile, squeezed my hands once, before dropping them. "I think you should sleep in Jared's tent, and Marc can sleep next to me tonight. It will just be easier on the both of us."

All the air rushed from my lungs as she walked away, and I stood rooted to the spot until the smell of burning hot dogs reached my nose.

It's like for every one step forward, we take three steps back.

---

The night was quiet as I slipped from the tent I was sharing with Jared. Crickets sung softly, calling out to their companions. Somewhere, a wolf or coyote howled upwards, to the moon where it sat low and bright in the sky. The embers in the fire still glowed, and I winced as I thought of Rae sleeping besides Marc.

The water looked peacefully inviting, the moon reflecting outwards and basking everything in a gentle glow. I sat in the dirt just short of where the water lapped against the ground.

It may have been late, but I couldn't remember being this awake in awhile. Rae was officially putting me over the edge. If she didn't give in soon, I didn't know what I would do with myself.

A stick snapped over my shoulder, and I whipped around. Speak of the devil. Rae stood sheepishly besides the fire pit, the moon painting her skin a shade paler.

"Mind if I join you?"

I shrugged and turned away. I wasn't really all that surprised when she joined me a few moments later. But I was when she sat close enough to press along my entire left side. My heart jumped at the skin to skin contact, her spotted sleep shorts giving her legs a hell of a lot of purchase against my own legs. Adrenaline pumped, testosterone flaring, demanding I do something to make this woman stay.

Tying her up with hockey tape and smuggling her back to Pittsburgh wasn't a very reasonable option, so I took a stab at conversation.

"Couldn't sleep?"

She heaved a sigh, weighted by unspoken problems, but I had the feeling I was the unfortunate source. "Marc snores like a chainsaw."

"Runs in the family," I mentioned, and found my lips quirking upwards in a small smile.

"I like your snore. It's like a puppy's." She giggled for effect, and I melted like the chocolate on the s'mores we'd eaten earlier.

"Good to know I've got one redeeming quality. Snoring like a puppy. I'll make sure to add it to my resumé."

She bumped her forehead against my shoulder, a friendly, yet tender gesture. "You know you've got more redeeming qualities than that. You're a kick ass hockey player."

"But that's not a quality that counts." She shot me a look, saying she believed otherwise, considering she had witnessed all the opportunities the sport could give you. "In the grand scheme of things. Hockey can give me momentary joy or temporary release, but it could never give me what you do." Her eyebrows flinched into a questioning gaze, urging me to go on. "Peace. You give me peace. Even being in the same room with you fills me with something hockey never could, and never will. I feel whole."

She gave me another sigh in response, but laid her head against my shoulder. I shifted my arm supporting me further behind her body, to the same effect as wrapping an arm around one of her shoulders. I bit my lip, glanced down at Rae, and asked what I'd been wondering since I'd known her. Which was pretty much technically my entire conscious life. "Is that weird? Do you not feel the same way?"

"Jordan." She said my name in the same tone she used when my brothers and I argued over trivial things, like she could will me into seeing the reality of the situation. "Of course I feel the same freaking way. That's why I'm here. Now. With you. When I should be back at my old home, making out with David and plotting a thousand and one ways to torture you until you surrender." I opened my mouth to protest, but she spoke over me. "Life is different with you. It just works, for whatever reason. And, recently, as in the past day, I've realized two truths. For one, we need each other. Like air or water. As cheesy as it sounds, it's true."

She took a deep breath, and I braced myself for the ultimatum I was sure was on the tip of her tongue. "Second, is that being apart is nearly impossible. Once we know the other is in reach, for whatever reason, we decide we can't live without. And that's what makes me hesitate. If we really do this, for real, we're going to have to face the music and realize over half the year will probably be spent away from each other. And I don't know if that's going to work."

And then she said the words I'd been waiting for, the words I'd been longing to hear. "But I want it, so bad, Jordan. I want it to work."

Fuck it, I thought, and leaned my hulking frame over her smaller one, pressing my lips down on hers.