Endlessly

1998

"Jordan?" I shouted into the howling wind outside. I crossed my arms over my chest as I stepped out onto my porch.

He had called to say he was on his way over twenty minutes ago. I happened to know it took only eleven minutes to get to my house by snow mobile. I was starting to get worried that he had gotten stuck, but I could've sworn I had seen a flash of snow mobile head lights a few moments ago.

Bracing myself, I stepped into the snow, gritting my teeth as the cold bit at my arms and legs. "Jordan?" I called again, louder this time.

I heard a weird noise behind me and turned around, and screamed when a hooded figure reached for me. It jumped back, pulling their hood down. Jordan laughed loudly, before dashing up my steps. I chased after him, pounding my fists against his snowsuit-padded back, and the two of us tumbled into the front entry way of my house.

"You should've seen your face!" he cackled, rolling around on the floor, clutching his sides. Once again I crossed my arms over my chest, but this time I pouted. "Oh come on," he whined, "It was just a joke. And you'll forgive me as soon as you open your Christmas present."

"Present?" I asked, hopeful. He nodded, un-zipping his snowsuit and pulling out a small object, wrapped poorly. "You wrapped it yourself?" I couldn't help but smile, which in turn made Jordan's cheeks turn red, for some weird reason. He handed it to me keeping his eyes trained on his shoes.

I pulled back the paper, and took the lid off of the small box. In it was a charm bracelet, with only four charms on it; the head of a golden retriever, a blue sparkly letter 'R', a paint brush, and a hockey skate. "The dog is supposed to be your dog, Charlie. The blue 'R' is 'cause of your name and your favorite color is blue. The paint brush is 'cause I know how much you love it. And the hockey skate, is well, it's because-" he blushed furiously now, unable to finish.

"It's supposed to remind me of you, right?" He nodded, unable to meet my gaze. "Aw, Jordan, that's so sweet!" I threw my arms around him, hugging him tight. "You're the best!" I squealed in his ear.

"Yeah, I know," he said, still blushing. "Just don't tell my brothers." I giggled, and lead him the rest of the way into the house, where we spent the rest of the night playing board games, my new charm bracelet jingling and sparkling on my wrist the whole time.

Present

I had been watching Jordan and his dad chop wood from the tree house that was on the line of our families' properties, built back when we were kids. I had been going for a run when I stumbled across it, and feeling reminiscent, had climbed up the rickety old ladder, and spotted Jordan and his dad moments later. I found myself transfixed, watching Jordan's muscles ripple beneath his shirt as he swung the ax down on the wood.

His dad must of said something obscene, because the ax slipped from Jordan's grasp, falling to the ground. Jordan responded quickly, mouth moving at a rapid pace. My thoughts side-tracked unexpectedly, remembering when that mouth used to kiss mine, and the butterflies that followed, and remembering when it formed the three words that forever held my heart.

I ducked down as his dad began leaving, scaring me from my thoughts. I expected Jordan to follow, but he remained behind, and was swinging the ax with renewed intensity. I couldn't help but wonder what on Earth his dad had said to him to make him react that way.

I watched him for a few more moments, wishing things were the way they had once been, when I could've just walked up to him and told him about my day, and he would've made everything better. Shaking my head to try and clear Jordan from my mind, and clumsily made my way down the tree.

"You still love him, don't you?"

I yelped in surprise, and whipped around, hand on my heart. Chelsea's eyes were wide, like she hadn't meant to scare me.

I hissed at her, before yanking her to the ground. As we crouched there, I peeked through the foliage to where Jordan was. He was glancing around, head tilted to the side, listening to the forest. "Shit," I muttered, slowly dragging both of us along the forest floor. "He can't know I'm here, or was here, you understand? That will wreck everything. I don't care if he offers you a lifetime of season tickets, you will not tell him squat, got it?"

Chelsea nodded, eyes still wide. When I felt we were far enough away, I stood up, before hauling her up as well. "Why can't he see you? I don't understand why you deny it. He loves you, you love him. Why don't you just get together?"

"That's a really, really long story, that I have to be really, really drunk to share." I gave her a sideways glance before adding, "Don't get any ideas."

I was surprised when she rolled her eyes at me. "I don't really like David, but I hate to see you lead him on, like you're about to, when you clearly are just waiting around for Jordan to get on his knees and beg for mercy."

For a teenage girl, she sure had a lot of insight. I sighed in response. "He deserves it. Jordan, I mean. Not David. You don't understand what he did. He might as well have said that I was a worthless piece of shit that he didn't want anything to do with."

"I don't believe you."

"What?" I spat at her, annoyed.

"I may be young, but I watched my parents' marriage fall apart, and I've watched my brother throw away dozens of girls. But you can always tell when someone is lying. My dad said a lot of stuff to my mom that wasn't very nice, and even though she cheated on him, I could tell he didn't mean it, not one bit. He still loved her with his whole being. And judging from the way Jordan acted today, he has never meant a mean word he said to you in his life."

I gaped at her, before shaking my head, not willing to believe it. "Come on, let's get you home."

***

Four days later, I woke up to someone knocking on the door. I stumbled from my bed a and groggily pulled open the door to the barn loft apartment. Chelsea was standing there, bouncing up and down on her toes. "Wake up sleepy head, it's nearly twelve o'clock. Look what came in the mail," she practically sang.

She handed over an envelope, with my name carefully written on the front, and my address beneath it. I recognized the handwriting vaguely, but couldn't place it. "Do I really have to open this now?"

"Yes! I've been waiting for one of these since we moved in two years ago! It's a- well you should just open it," she finished excitedly.

I grumbled under my breath about more sleep, but tore open the envelope. I pulled out a piece of card stock, and something fell out and fluttered to the ground. Chelsea stooped to pick it up while I began reading the card.

You've been invited to the Staal's annual summer barbecue. The boys will all be-

I didn't get any farther before Chelsea gasped. "Oh. My. God. This is so beautiful, and adorable, and perfect." Her hand shook slightly as she handed me what fell out before; it was a photograph.

I gasped as well, recognizing it immediately. It had been taken at one of the Staal family BBQs, and almost the entire photo was taken up by Jordan and myself. When I thought about, it really was quite the shot. Whoever had taken it had taken special care not to disturb the moment Jordan and I were sharing.

The two of us were close, Jordan's face leaned in towards my ear, as he whispered something. His eyes were cast down, giving him a shy, bashful look. I had turned my head slightly to the side, towards him, and there was a soft smile on my face accompanied by a faint blush on my cheeks. I remember that we had been sitting in front of the bonfire, so our faces were lit, but the rest of the world cast in shadow, like we were the only ones.

We look so in love. Those were the only words crossing my mind. This is a photo fit for wedding albums and magazine ads about perfume or engagement rings. This isn't what real life is supposed to look like.

But it did. Oh man, did it ever. I suddenly remembered what had happened that night, not long after this photo was taken. Together, we had snuck off, back to his room, and made love for the first time. I remember it was awkward and uncomfortable and scary, but it was also perfect. Afterward, Jordan had held me tight and told me half a million times how much he loved me. Not long after we did it again, and it was better.

He was my first, and I was his. The days following that night were different. Jordan and I understood each other differently than before, and, when we were together, we moved together in unison, like a well-choreographed ballet. We had known the other before, but after that night it was different. We were official. And then, two years later, we weren't.

"Rae?" Chelsea whispered softly, laying a gentle hand on my arm.

Swallowing hard, I shook off her hand. I thrust both the picture and the invite back into her hands, before slamming the door in her face. I felt my shoulders shaking, and tears soon spilled over. It was all Jordan's fault. I hated him with a passion.

Bur at the same time, I felt myself wishing he were beside me, holding me in his arms, telling me everything would be alright. At that moment, all I wanted was Jordan. I hadn't missed him this much in ages, not so much that it hurt.

There was a soft scratching noise, and something slid beneath the door. Oh, Chelsea. Of course she would leave the picture and the invite, despite the fact that she wanted to go to the party so badly. I reached over, from where I had collapsed on the floor, and picked up the picture, gently brushing of the dust and dirt it had picked up from the floor.

As I looked at the picture, I realized Chelsea had been right about two things. One, was that I really was still in love with Jordan. And two, was that David had no chance.

But there was no reason either of them needed to be made aware of these realizations. They could remain a secret. At least for a little while longer.

***

I found David sitting in the kitchen, in the process of making pancakes. When he heard me come in, he turned around and flashed me what I imagined he thought was an earth-shattering smile. No going to work, buddy.

"Hi," I said, taking a seat.

"What's crack-a-lacking?" Wow, he has officially broken my cheesy-lines sensor.

"Well, since I do believe I owe you the pleasure of a date with me, I was wondering if you would want to go to this," I offered, sliding the invitation I had received, sans the picture.

His eyes, as they swept over the words, got progressively wider. "Holy- the Staals? Do you even have to ask?" he asked, totally beside himself with excitement.

"This counts as the date I promised," I reminded him.

He looked up, like he was just noticing me. "Our first date is going to be at your ex's barbecue?" He narrowed his eyes for a moment, before a shit-eating grin took over his features. "This is going to be fun."

"Glad someone thinks so. So, you'll go with me?"

"Of course. I get to go on a date with a beautiful girl and possibly piss off a few NHL players. It doesn't get much better than that." He winked before returning to his pancakes.

Glad that's settled.

Jordan isn't going to know what hit him. Serves him right. Chelsea padded into the kitchen, glancing between her brother and me.

"This," she pointed between the two of us, "Whatever this is, seems like a very bad idea."

David turned around to look at me, and we shrugged at the same time. "What's you're point?" I asked.

She groaned out loud, before pulling her hair away from her head and stomping away. What could I say?

If Jordan was going to make my summer a living hell, I might as well return the favor.