Crazy Beautiful

I could feel the tears spill over my cheeks as I placed my items into bags. I couldn’t bear to hurt anymore; I couldn’t pretend to not feel the pain. I flinched every time I heard the shattering or crashing sound of an object from downstairs. I knew Brian was hurting but I couldn’t go down there and console him if I was hurting on the inside just as much. Brian punched a wall somewhere in the house and I squeezed my eyes shut. I heard the shuffling of feet up the stairs. If he was coming up here I’d just refuse to make eye contact and maybe he’d leave me to my packing.

I heard the bedroom door being pushed open and I heard the heavy breaths of Brian from behind me. I tried to ignore them, I tried to ignore him, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn't want him to though. He came over to me and I felt my heart pound hard in my chest. I loved Brian, I really did, but he just got caught kissing his ex-fiancé. How else was I supposed to react? The items I was trying to pack into a bag were just being unpacked by Brian. I sighed loudly and finally gave him my attention.

“What the fucking hell do you want?” I screamed at him as he stood above me

“I want you to stay with me, Riley, I love you.” He spoke quietly and slowly

“I can’t. You were just kissing Michelle downstairs while I sat up here sobbing.” I started to feel the same anger from earlier

“I’m sorry.” He said and it only made things worse

I shook my head standing up and looked away as I went back to packing up my things again. I couldn’t look at him and fall for his apologies again. I couldn’t forget all the pain he caused me time and time again. I wasn’t the right girl for Brian Maybe, or possibly time just wasn’t on our side. The tears welled up in my eyes as I threw more things into the bag.

Brian grabbed hold of my elbow and made me face him. I wanted to so badly kiss him and tell him I wasn’t going to leave. I wanted to say that we’d be okay, I’d be okay. That we could have a future, a bright and happy future, but I couldn’t even trust him.

I drifted my eyes from him to other things and kept my eyes glued on the other things in the room. He finally gave up and grabbed my face and made me look at him. I held my breath as I felt like my world had come to a stopping point. Brian was truly the love of my life, I knew this, and I always did. Since I was seventeen I knew he was, but it was like he never saw that.

I looked up at Brian and he rubs his thumb across my cheek. I sigh in content and he tried giving me a smile as I leaned my face into the palm of his hand which rested gently on my face. I can see in his eyes he’s really, truly sorry, but what does a simple word mean anyways? He already said sorry before and I believed it and then he went and did this to me.

“How do I know you don’t want her?” I say quietly and he simply pulls me into his strong arms and holds me

“Because you’re the love of my life, Riley.” He says and rubs my messy hair down and kisses the top of my head

“Swear?” I ask and I pull away to look at him

He nods his head and shuts his eyes momentarily as I did the same. I tried blinking away all the pointless tears that so desperately want to be shed. I find myself back in Brian’s arms and I’ve never felt so at home before. I kiss his chest gently and he chuckles at me gently which causes a smile to form on my face.

He kisses my temple before tipping my head back and placing his thin lips on my plump ones. His lips mold against mine for moments, then his tongues glides itself across my lips and I allow him to gain access. I moan into the kiss and when I pull back I see that infamous smirk Brian wears best.

I've never been the girl who loves cocky, but with Brian it just looked best. I had never been so in love with someone and I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing that I felt that love for Brian. I could get easily hurt if I wasn’t careful, but I didn’t want to protect myself from him either. I always felt safe with him and I didn’t want to ruin it. I could try my hardest to keep Brian out of my life, my head. But I know in the end I’ll always have him stuck to me. He may be cocky, he may get angry, but he’ll always want me there. And I’ll always be there.

“How about we just settle this in the morning?” he says sweetly before kissing my forehead

“I should probably put all my stuff back away.” I argue but in a reasonable matter

“No need to now,” he says kissing my lips “you need to sleep because I know how you get headaches after crying.” I nod my head

He picks me up and carries me to the big king sized bed and gently puts me on it. I roll onto my side looking opposite of Brian’s side of the bed and bite my bottom lip. I feel the weight of the bed shift as Brian gets in next to me. He sighs as he rolls me over and wraps his arm around my stomach before pulling me closer to him. I feel horrible for just giving up so easily on us. I felt sick to my stomach actually. It’s twice now that I have been able to just throw my hands up and quit. He kisses my forehead again and I eventually roll over facing Brian and scoot closer to him.

I didn’t ever want to be anywhere else in my life. I placed my head on his bare chest and could hear his heart beat thump loudly throughout his body. When we were teenagers that was how I’d fallen asleep plenty of times. I lift my hand up to his arm and trace aimlessly against the tattoo’s he has gotten over the years.

“What were you two talking about?” I ask quietly, but loud enough for him to hear me

“Honestly Riley, I don’t know really. She was over here rambling about something that doesn't seem right, but you need to sleep baby.” He says and kisses me

I let it end after that, I wasn’t in the pushing type of mood. I knew if Brian wanted to tell me he would, he was a horrible secret keeper. And he wasn’t very good at hurting me in the process of keeping a secret either. I had to learn to trust him again, but I knew I would. There wasn't a doubt that I wouldn't.