Crazy Beautiful

Me and the girls sat around the large wooden table all planning out our trip to Palm Springs in a couple of days. I felt my recently plucked brows pull into a frown as I attempted to focus on the details. My mind kept drifting back to how distant Brian had been recently since I had decided upon leaving. I trusted Brian, but something inside of my gut made me think there was something else going on. I smiled though just not to worry him exactly.

I mean he’d even said he wanted to spend a little more time with me before me and the girls left. I wanted to go boxing and learn how to protect myself for when Brian isn’t around or on tour. He agreed but of course promised he’d always be there. I liked that he was protective, but I didn’t want to be the fragile girl always. I used to defend myself and I want that kind of power back. I mean before I ever left I was notorious for throwing things and hitting people for any snarky comment made my way. It was something Brian fell in love with.

“Riley, you want to go to the spa while we’re down there right?” I hear Val ask and I smiled her way and nod my head.

I turn back around to see Brian and Matt whispering harshly while the other guys sat around looking more than awkward. My brows pulled together as I watched Matt got angrier and started to raise his voice enough for me to know that Matt wasn’t happy with Brian, but I couldn't imagine why. Matt and Brian hardly have ever fought and it’s concerning that once I’m back inside the picture the tension runs high. Sometimes I do feel responsible and don’t know if I should be around, but they are my only true family.

“Hey, Val, do you know what the boy’s problem is?” I asked and she draws her attention to the boys always frowning before walking over there to handle it.

“The two of them never fight.” I hear Lacey comment and it hits me inside somewhere unfamiliar.

I turn her way and then I shake my head as I felt my heart and blood run cold before grabbing my belongings and head quietly out to my car and drive it down to the beach. I needed to clear my head I guess and my spot was calling out for me. I wasn’t feeling too great about myself and I haven’t once Brian started to distance himself away from me. I parked in the lot and left everything in there and headed out towards the sand. I was warmer but the air was cooling. I smiled and thought about everything I had around me and for moment I was completely happy. Everything was in harmony.

The waves overlapped each other in a pattern and it amused me to some degree for the act they reminded me of myself. I was happy then upset and happy then again upset. I couldn’t ever have some sort of still evening where nothing shakes me. I needed that for once. The sun set was beautiful and I lay back against the sand looking up at the stars. I had missed this when I was stuck in New York.

At the thought a chill runs down my spine and I sit up quickly and search for him out in the dark. I squint my eyes when I thought I had seen something out in the distance move. I sighed and pushed my hair back gently from my face and threw myself back into the sand. I allowed my thoughts to run in circles fast. I shut my eyes and sit up before heading back to the car. I knew I’d need to go home soon regardless of what I was thinking. I got into my car and silently I drove home not really looking forward to going there.

I had been partying that night and had been sticky with sweat and liquor. My dress even had a tear in it now and it was hard to make a coherent sentence. I giggled as my friend helped me into a cab to take me home hell to Adam. He said he was going to be out late anyways and I wanted to have some fun. It was my birthday and hardly anyone did anything for me that day. It had made me miss Brian more so because a year ago I had been in his arms on my birthday. He’d taken me out to dinner and bought me a necklace. Then he and I had sex, but very different from other times. I was loved and wanted and now here I was covered in bruises and smeared make up.

I sat in the cab soaked in tears dreading to go home back to the monster that wouldn’t let me go back. I sighed and paid the driver before getting out and stumbling up to the door. I walked into the apartment and finally found myself standing in this cold apartment. Then I heard him from behind me as I walked down the hallway towards my room.

“Have fun you little whore?” He asked and I heard the footsteps.

He grabbed hold of me and pushed me down and I just fell without trying to stop it. I could tell he was hitting me but I pushed myself far back into the memory of Brian and me. I laughed a little bit while Adam stood over me abusing me. I spat up at him and he was shocked that I had even fought a little bit. I stood up and glared at him.

“You’ll never have me the way Brian did and it kills you every day that you hit me I just think of him and in that you can never have nor touch me.” I said and turned to walk away and although that had enraged him it was every ounce of true and I took the beating and rape for the words I said.

I don’t know if it was the alcohol or just me finally having enough, but I never had felt so strong and untouchable.

I smiled and knew that as long as I stood strong nothing again could ever hurt me again and knowing that made me decide that I didn’t want to go home to an angry Brian at the moment. I didn’t feel like having that feeling that Brian is more like my parents instead of a boyfriend. I didn’t need another person disappointed in me over something that I felt or did. My own family had covered that. I could feel the anger and shame build up inside of me.

I went back to the beach and headed out towards the water and let the waves wash up onto my legs. It was cold but I loved it and it made me smile. I never wanted to leave. I fell back against the harder wetter sand and just starred up at the sky and closed my eyes. I didn’t really want to be anywhere else. I felt like dying and the thoughts just filled me up until I closed my eyes for what I believed was the last time.