When It Became Over Powering

His hard work had failed. He turned to drugs again so quickly that it was all he knew. But he can’t let that happen. He cut himself off from everything. Drugs, alcohol, people, even food. That was it. He lies motionless in bed and has been like this for over a week. This was all because of running into Brendon and Spencer. They knew how much of a failure he was and they were probably going to tell him that. All he was now was a motionless, un-showered, starving mess. This is it, this is how I’ll die. He tells himself staring up at his ceiling. He rolls over onto his side and hugs his pillow close to his body. He is weak, weaker than weak. He is unsubstantial. The only sounds he hears is his phone going off, his breathing and the screams coming from his stomach begging for food. He told himself not to be his father, yet look at him, a failure.

He knows he can’t stay in bed forever. He pulls the blankets off of his body and forces himself to sit up. Step one, get out of bed. Ryan, you can do this. The voice inside his head tells him. He sits on the edge of his bed not feeling up to this just yet but he does. He pushes himself up and out of bed. He stumbles over to the wall for support. Sharp pains go through his head and something inches up his throat. He covers his mouth and gets himself to go as fast as he can to the bathroom. Once inside he hunches over the toilet gripping onto the sides of it. He feels it coming. He is about to lose everything in him that was keeping him living, if this can even be called living.

He picks himself up and rinses out his mouth then brushes his teeth. He looks over at the shower like it was a long lost friend. Step two, shower. He goes over to it turning on the water waiting for it to become hot. He strips out of his t-shirt and boxers before easing himself into the shower. He rests his body against the cool shower wall letting the water completely cover him. He makes this into the longest shower he has ever taken before in his life. Not so much because he smelled, but because he let his hand explore his own body. Even the simplest feeling of a hand touching him had been completely erased from his memory.

He turns off the water and wraps himself in a towel. His slowly makes his way to his room. Once inside he drops his towel and finds himself touching his body against aimlessly. Step three and four, get dressed and leave the house. He walks into his closet and looks around at all his options. He settles on a brown suit, white shirt and blue striped tie. No matter where he was going, he always had a sense of dressing somewhat formal. It was just who he was. He walks to the main hall of his house grabbing his keys off of a small hook on the wall and he puts on his sunglasses before leaving. He didn’t want the sun to burn his eyes like it has so many times in the past. He blasts the AC once inside his car. It's not that it was even warm out, but faint sound made him feel less lonely. He drives himself to the coffee shop/book store that he hasn’t come to since the run in with his ex band mates.

Step five, consume something. As he opens the door he feels like he rips his arm off of his body. The ringing of the door’s bells doesn’t leave his head even as they stop. He slumps all the way over to the counter where you order food. He gets himself his usual only with a second order of the blueberry scone. His stomach needed this. He needed to shove as much food into him as possible. He doesn’t bother walking to his usual chair and sits himself at a table not too far from the counter to eat. He eats the two scones slowly, chasing every bite with a sip of his black coffee. It was already making him feel better. He wasn’t as light headed.

From the corner of his eye he catches the cashier girl fix a pile of books then goes over to the front counter. He doesn’t quicken his pace, and continues to eat slowly. Every step his mind has set for him, has gone according to plan. He waits a few minutes before getting up and throwing out his trash. He stares over at the girl at the counter and takes a deep breath.

Step six, make a friend. The final step for now. He needs someone in his life to keep him on path. She always stared at him whenever he came here but kept to herself. Come on Ross, let someone into your life. Grow a pair! He takes another deep breath and keeps a steady pace while walking over to the counter. She looks up at him at the sound of his footsteps. She smiles to herself then looks down at the book in her hands. “Hi,” Ryan looks at her name tag, “Emilia,” he says confused as he reaches her. He taps his hands on the counter.

She closes her book and sets it down. “What can I do you for?” she smiles leaning against the counter.

Ryan finds himself looking down at her chest that is exposed due to her v-neck. He closes his eyes tightly and shakes his head. “Never mind, forget I even came over here,” he says and goes to walk away from her. One look at her made him crave her body. He wanted to explore someone elses body other than his own. Maybe he should just give up on everything and call Z. She’d say yes to anything.

“Hey, I get off work in a few minutes. I’m going to a show. Want to join? We can grab something to eat first too,” she calls after him. Ryan shakes himself from his thought and looks back at her.

“I would really like that,” his breathing becomes uneven. For the record she came to him. This was how it needs to be remembered. The pretty blond book store cashier came to him. “Should I meet you there?” he asks sounded confused with his words as if he spoke a different language.

“Would you mind just waiting around till I’m off?” she smiles shyly looking away from him.

Ryan nods, “Sure.”