Fall

That night I couldn’t sleep; my mind was racing. Jay, Justin, and John were flooding my mind. Everywhere I turned and every thought I had revolved around them; one of the more often than others, though. I can’t help but think about the decisions I’ve made and how it got me to this point – I got myself to this point. I may not want to admit any of it, but in the end I believe my rash decisions have ultimately screwed me over.

We were doing well – we were getting along at the coffee shop, but I guess that’s all we could be. We were something short of elevator music – the repetitive, friendly score that would never change unless tampered with by an outside force. What is this outside force? Well, it could be Justin, Jay, or maybe just John’s constant nagging and hovering. I don’t know. I don’t know what his deal is and that scares the shit out of me. There is something inside of me that doesn’t want him mingling with this aspect of my life. It was fine before but now – now he’s messing with Jay’s life.

I was finally able to fall asleep around three in the morning, a few hours before the boys left, normally I would have bid them goodbye but I was in a comatose slumber. What woke me up was Jay bouncing on my bed at 9:30 am.

“Mo-ma look what Uncy JJ left me!” he was chanting as he waved a much too large box in the air as best he could. He was so happy and the wide smile on his face let me know that today was probably going to be a good day.

I took the box from him to inspect what Justin could have left him. It was a transformer; Optimus Prime to be exact. “Aw, baby, that’s just what you wanted.”

“Open!” he demanded, reinforcing the fact by bouncing up and down again.

“I’ll open it if you go get dressed,” I bargained with him.

“Okay!” And with that my little boy skipped out of my bedroom with the brightest smile plastered on his face. Justin is much to good to him.

I decided to pull myself out of bed and make Jay and I some breakfast – and by breakfast I mean a bowl of Cheerios. Hey, they lower cholesterol!

As we were finishing our breakfast at the island counter there was a light rapping at the door. Jay, being the nosy little busy-body that he is, hopped off of the chair and sprints over to the door waiting for me to look through the peep hole to see who was there.

“Mo-ma someone’s at the door!” He yells as he stands in front of the door, getting antsy with every moment that passes by.

“Okay give me a minute baby,” I reply back as I put the used dishes in the sink to be washed later.

“I think it’s Gamma,” he says knowingly when I make my way over to him.

“Do you think or do you know?”

“I tink,” he answers as I pick him up into my arms.

I looked out the peephole and inwardly cussed to myself. “Take another guess,” I say, rolling my eyes even though I know Jay wouldn’t be able to pick up my lack of… excitement.

Jay’s mouth drops at the sight of the tall, gangly figure and he blurted out, “Mo-ma it’s the giraffe!”

“Shh,” I scolded him, putting my index finger to my lips to demonstrate. I couldn’t hide the smirk that found its way onto my lips at the thought of Jay as only knowing John as that guy who resembles a giraffe. “I told you not to tell anyone!”

“I sowwy,” he apologized with his signature puppy-dog pout and big green eyes that made anyone fall under his spell in an instant.

John raised his brows at me. “I see you’ve told him about me.”

“Not really,” I responded with a shrug, “Just that we used to call you a giraffe.”

“That’s reassuring,” he joked with a dry laugh. I couldn’t tell if there was some sort of hurt behind his statement, or if it was just the awkward tension between us because of this situation we were in.

I rolled my eyes at John and decided it would be a good idea to let him into the apartment. “Jay, you remember John,” I introduced the two once again.

Jay smiled and waved his little hand, “Hi, Jawn.”

“Hello, Jay.”

Jay quickly continued on the friendly conversation with, “We have the same name.”

“That’s because it’s such a fu- really awesome name.”

I rolled my eyes and mumbled, “Good save.” I started moving Jay off of my hip and placing him down onto the floor and suggested, “Why don’t you go get your transformer.”

Jay’s face lit up at the thought of playing with his new toy. “O-tay.” And with that he bounded off to retrieve his toy.

With Jay out of earshot I turned to John and told him sternly after letting out a sigh of relief, “I don’t want to tell him you’re his father just yet. I want him to get used to you first.” Well, in all honesty, that was part of the real reason; Jay doesn’t warm up to people that easily, that’s one thing he got from me – his skepticism.

“Are you sure that’s the only reason?” John questioned with a knowing glare.

“And I want to wait because I’m not sure how I feel about all this,” I sighed once more.

“At least you’re being honest.” He flashed a smile before walking past me and letting himself in.

All I could do was shake my head and close the front door because before I could come up with a witty remark, Jay was running back into the foyer with his Transformer.

“I’m gonna go do the dishes so you guys can go play in the living room,” I told the two of them. I looked down at Jay and pointed my finger at him, “You got that, bud?”

“Yup,” he nodded is head up and down excitedly, before grabbing John’s hand in his. “C’mon Jawn.” He pulled John over to the coffee table in the living room, where the two were going to play with his new toy.

If it were any other unfamiliar person to Jay that was coming over to play with him, I would be sitting on that couch watching the two of them interact. But, because this is John – Jay’s father – I figured I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and have some alone time to get to know his son. Also, I really didn’t want to be in the same room as the two of them because it would probably have thrown me into an emotional frenzy, and I just didn’t need or could afford a breakdown right now.

As I was cleaning up from breakfast, I heard the two chatting.

“Do you like tranformners?” Jay asked.

“I’ve never played with one.”

Jay seemed shocked by this and questioned, “How do you survive?” I could only imagine how far my boy’s jaw dropped when John replied.

“I play music,” John said nonchalantly.

Again Jay was taken aback, “No ways.”

“Yeah, way.” I detected a small chuckle in John’s voice, and knew that he was smiling at Jay’s reaction.

“What you play?” Jay continued.

“I sing in a band.”

Next I heard, Jay was screaming at the top of his lungs to get my attention. “Mo-ma did you know he’s in a band!”

I laughed to myself at my son’s reaction, and decided to humor him and play dumb. “He’s in a band?” I questioned faux unknowingly.

“Yeah!”

“What band is he in?” I questioned back.

“We’re called The Maine,” I heard John tell him.

“Mo-ma it’s Da Mayne,” he yelled back to me. Then, in typical Jay fashion, he got off topic and said, “My Uncy’s are in a band.”

“Really?” John tried to sound like he didn’t already know this, and it was pretty convincing too. As much as I’d hate to admit it, John really knew how to brighten spirits. “That’s cool.”

“They’re in Da Summer Set.”

“Oh cool, I know those guys,” he told Jay like it was a complete coincidence.

“No!” Again, Jay was shocked beyond belief.

“Yeah, we were on a couple tours together.”

“Woah!”

John had enough of this small talk and decided to toot his own horn. “I also play piano and guitar.”

“I play geetar too,” Jay told him. Jay desperately wanted to learn to play guitar so that he could practice with MGF. They boys even bought him a learner’s guitar for Christmas.

“Jay, don’t lie,” I scolded him from the kitchen.

“O-tay, I’m learning to play,” he told John truthfully, and I could tell he was probably looking at the floor when he spoke because he was caught in a lie.

“My dad taught me to play when I was ten,” John told him.

“I don’t have a daddy to teach me. But Uncy J.J. said he’d teach me.”

“I could teach you,” John offered. “But you’d have to ask your mommy.” Why would he do this? He barely has time to see is mother and brothers, let alone teach a child how to play guitar? He’s just going to get Jay’s hopes up and then crush him when he has to call the lessons quits because he needs to leave the state.

“Mo-me, pwease?” Jay yelled to me again.

“I –“

“Yeah, mommy, please?” John butted in.

“Jay, baby, I don’t know. It’s kind of crazy around here right now,” I yelled back as I dried the dishes.
The next thing I knew, Jay was standing next to me and tugging on my jeans pant-leg. “Mo-ma,” he begged with those huge, green eyes and signature pout of his perfectly pink lip.

I melted at the sight of him and couldn’t bear to disappoint, “Okay.”

“Yay!” he exclaimed and ran back to John, his little feet pitter-padding on the wood floors as he ran. “Let’s start now!”

“Actually I have to get going. I have band practice,” John told him, getting up from his place on the couch.

I saw Jay’s face falter for a second before he beamed, “Can I go?”

“No, baby. It’s almost naptime.”

“But, Ma!”

“No, Jay. Naptime,” I stood my ground. I would not let this adorable little buggar get away with something else. “Maybe some other day,” I promised, getting down on his level to move his lengthy hair out of his face. “Now say goodbye to John.”

“Bye Jawn,” he waved goodbye to him.

John got down on his knee and ruffled up the hair on Jay’s head. “Bye, Jay,” he said. “See ya later, Nat.” he gave me one of those weird head nod things that boys do before he made his way to the door.

“Bye,” I replied.

After John left, Jay and I made our way to my room to take a nap. The lights were off, the room completely dark; he was lying in my arms as my fingers ran through his dark, dirty blonde hair to soothe him to sleep.

After moments of silence Jay spoke, “I like him.”

“You do?”

“Mmhm. Do you like him?” he asked simply.

“He’s my friend,” I told him half-truthfully.

“But you’re not fwendly with him like Uncy J.J.” Damn his perceptiveness.

“Uncle J.J. is different,” I told him, praying to God that he wouldn’t press the matter further. But instead he changed the topic almost completely.

“Jawn looks like Uncy Ro.”

My jaw nearly dropped as shock ran through my bones at my son’s clever analysis. Thanking god it was dark, I pulled myself together and asked, “Really?”

“Ya.”

“I’ve never noticed.”

“They could be brubbers,” he told me. “I want a brubber,” he added as he burrowed himself in closer to me and wrapping the covers around him further.

A sad smile crept across my face. “Maybe in a few years, kiddo,” I told him, smoothing his hair down.

“I need a daddy first.”

“Someday, baby, someday.”