Fall

Everything was seemingly almost perfect in my life. I had the perfect job, the perfect son, the perfect apartment, and the perfect guy – the perfect family. Everything had so much potential to be this illusion of perfection that I’ve built up in my head over the past couple of months. The ball has been sitting at the peak waiting for the right force to come along and give it that little push it needs to make everything fall into place. But perfection cannot be reached, because nothing’s perfect – and no one knows that better than I do. But a girl can dream, can’t she?

My nap was disrupted by the insistent humming coming from the top of the bedside table; without using much energy I flung my arm across the table to grab my vibrating cellphone and hit the answer button, whose placement I’ve memorized by heart.

“Hello?” I groggily answered as I rubbed my eyes to force consciousness.

The deep and calming voice I’ve memorized to heart over all these years rung through my eardrum and I perked up immediately.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to call you all day. Is everything alright?” The concern in his tone was more than evident.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” I reassured him. “I just came home and took a nap.” There was no way in hell I was going to tell him why, since napping was very uncharacteristic of me. No need to get Justin worked up over anything; he’d call in the troops to help me finish my work if he could if that meant I wouldn’t be stressed out anymore.

“Oh, how was school?” he asked to make conversation.

“It’s school,” I stated flatly.

“True,” he agreed with me. We both just sat in comfortable silence for a few breathy moments.

He was the first one to speak, “How’s Jay?” I could hear the smile in his voice as he thought about the little ball of energy lying next to me, his golden brown hair starting to cover his adorable round face.

“He’s good; he really misses you guys though,” I told him truthfully.

“We miss him too.”

“He’s going to be sick of me by the time you guys get back.”

“I’d be worried if he wasn’t,” he joked to try and lighten the mood. But then the aura of conversation changed to a soft, quiet, and sincere, “I miss you.”

I knew what those words meant; they were the eight letter substitutes. Sure he could have sincerely meant that he missed me, but I knew Justin better than that. Those three words, eight letters had a whole other set of meaning behind them that we solemnly use. I released the breath I was holding in,

“I miss you too.”

“7 weeks.”

“You’re counting?” I replied in disbelief.

“Yup”

“Lame.” By now I was sitting upright on our bed, idly playing with the threads on the comforter. “How’s the tour been?” I asked curiously.

“It’s been good,” he replied giddily like a little school girl, “We finished playing California and now we’re on our way to Texas.” I could just imagine him bouncing up and down in excitement, his gelled up hair staying in place as he disrupted the air around him.

“Nice.”

“Yeah. The fans are great; they’re showing MGF lots of love.”

“If they didn’t love you guys then you probably wouldn’t be touring,” I told him matter-of-factly.

In his best sassy woman voice he replied, “True dat, mamasita.” I could not control my laughter that then caused Jay to stir in his sleep and then finally arise from the dead that is a toddler’s naptime.

“Hold on, Jay’s up,” I said, as Justin was about to tell me something else. I turned to Jay, “Wanna talk to Uncle JJ?”

He nodded his head up and down rather enthusiastically before I handed him the phone on speaker. “Hi Uncy JJ!”

“Hey buddy! You taking care of your mama?”

“Uh-huh”

“Is she being a good girl?” Justin asked in joking concern.

Jay shook his head back and forth as if Justin could see him before he muttered the words, “No.”

Justin and I were both taken aback by that word. “No!?”

“Mo-ma won’t let me play geetar.” My heart slowed down a bit to rest back in its place since for a second there I thought he was going to bring up something about John.

“Impossible! I’m going to have to have a word with her!” And with that said I took back the phone and defended my motherly wishes and myself.

“I told him not until you guys come back and aren’t so busy. He’s got the rest of his life to learn guitar.”

“Fair enough.”

We talked for not much longer before it was Justin’s turn to drive the van so he had to hang up, and I had a missed call from Jess, and it was probably wise that I answer that if I didn’t want to die.

Instead of the normal “hello” that most people answer a phone call with, Jess decided to go with a more tasteful, “Woah, that’s weird, I was just going to call you.”

To which I replied with a strong eye roll, “Weird it’s not like you already called me and left a strongly worded voicemail. What’re you doing today?”

I could hear the pout in her tone when she said, “I was going to ask you first.”

“Well you didn’t,” I sassed her right back.

“Do you want to do something?”

“I would. What do you suggest?”

“Chill in town with the baby sound good?” she offered like we had no other options at our disposal – which was partially true, but still, she could have been a little more gung-ho about it.

“Perfect. Meet at In-N-Out at 12?”

“You got it, chicka!”
________________________________________________________________

After lunch Jess, Jay and I strolled through the park like any other beautiful day when there’s nothing else to do. Jay insisted on walking the whole day and not using his stroller because he’s a “big boy now.” I was holding Jay’s hand as we walked and Jess and I talked about big girl things such as life, and tour, and how I’ve been doing without the boys – just normal things.

I was in a heated argument on how my Economics professor hates me and is an unfair grader overall, when I didn’t notice Jay’s tiny, soft hand slip from mine and he went sprinting off in front of us.

“Jay!” I called after him, “Jay stop!” Jess and I ran as fast as we could after him but he already had enough feet on us. “Jay get back here!” I shouted after him. My motherly instincts kicked in and I panicked a bit when I saw that he was headed right for someone. He knocked into the tall, lanky, man, and he picked Jay up. My heart rate was able to slow down a bit when I noticed that, of course, that man was no one other than John.

“Hey, buddy,” I heard John was to him as I quietly approached them.

“Hi Jawn!”

Despite that slight smirk that I saw appear on John’s face when Jay hopped into his arms, he was perplexed. “Where’d you come from?”

“The park.”

“Oh yeah? Where’s your mom?”

I took that as my cue to make myself present.

“Jay, don’t you ever, ever run off again. Do you understand?” I scolded my son.

He simply nodded, fully understanding how upset I was with him, but I fully understanding that I have at least sixteen more years filled with him running away from me.

John took the slight silence to comment and hand Jay off to me, “You should watch him a little closer.”

“Thanks.”

John noticed Jess at my side and tried to make polite conversation with her. “Hey, Jess. How are you?”

“Hi, John,” she responded. “You ready to go, Nat?” she followed up, making sure John knew that he wasn’t welcome.

“Yeah.”

“Bye Jawn,” Jay waved to him over my shoulder as I carried him away.

John called back, “See ya, buddy.”

As we all walked in silence to get over the awkward encounter we just had, Jay decided to tell me; “Mo-ma you need to be nicer to Jawn.”

“I am nice.” He shook his head at me. On the defensive I replied, “Yes I am.”

“No,” he said sternly. “You need to be nice to him because he’s my fwand.”

Trying not to be mean and show my true feelings on the matter I simply responded, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’ll try harder.”

“Thank you.”

We reached Starbucks in record timing and settled down at a table by the windows; Jess was facing the doorway with her chai tea, while I was with my back to it with my coffee, and Jay seated in between us in front of the window with his chocolate milk. Much like in the park, Jess and I made conversation and Jay sat there in his own little world ignoring us like any other child would do.

Mid conversation Jess’s jaw dropped completely. “I can’t believe him,” she seethed.

“What?” I asked in confusion.

She jerked her head over in the direction of the counter where none other than John O’Callaghan was standing in line and waiting to order.

He saw us looking over at him and he waved, giving us his signature smirk. Once he ordered his drink he sat a few tables away, hopefully knowing how unwelcomed Jess would have made him if it sat remotely anywhere close to us.

I glanced over to Jay who seemed to have been staring at John ever since he walked through the glass doors. “Jawn looks lonely.”

“Jay,”

“Wat?”

“Do you want to go and sit with him?” I asked my son sincerely.

He studied my facial features and let the tone of my voice sink in before he nodded his head, realizing that this wasn’t a trap.

I jerked my head in John’s direction saying, “Go ahead.”

He slid his little plump baby fat body off the chair and jogged over to John. I watched as Jay weaved through people waiting for the beverages and John checking his phone not even noticing the little rascal coming towards him.

“Mo-ma said I can come and sit with you!” I heard Jay say excitedly loud as he pat John on his skinny little thigh.

“That was nice of her,” John eye’s locked with my concerned ones right before he lifted Jay up and put him in the chair next to him so Jay’s back was facing Jess and I.

We watched the two interact for a while.

“They love each other,” Jess said out of nowhere.

“Shh, don’t say that!”

She shook her head at me and in that moment I swear she did a complete 180 on her whole John mantra, and – could it actually be, she was a slight advocate for him?

“You can’t keep denying it.”

I’ve heard those words in so many variations over the past three years. I finally verbalized what I’ve been telling myself inside, “I know. But maybe if I don’t recognize it then it’ll go away.”

“It doesn’t work like that, babe.”

“Oh shut your face.”

She was right. And I knew she was right. But I’ve spent too much time putting up this wall and convincing myself that I live in this wonderful, fantasy life that I just want to ignore any negativity that enters it, and if it isn’t obvious, John is the biggest negativity of all.

“Do you miss him?” Why is she asking me if I miss John? She should know better than anyone that I’d rather be buried alive than have anything to do with John.

“Huh?” her question took me aback.

“Justin.” Oh. Whoops. “Do you miss him?” she asked again.

“Yes, of course. What type of question is that?”

“I was just wondering, Jesus. No need to be all defensive.”

I confessed, “I’m really lonely without them around all the time.”

“Wait,” she had to pause and clarify, “Are we talking about Justin or the band in general?”

I scrunched my eyebrows together, “Both?”

“No.”

“No?” What was this girl on, she wasn’t making any sense.

“You can’t do that.”

“Can’t do –“

“You can’t group them together.” Oh, okay, she’s talking about Justin and the band.

“Why not?”

“Because – wait,” she started to stop and get clarification again, “Are you two done dancing around the hat?”

By now Jess had finally confused the fuck out of me. “What are you even talking about, crazy?”

“Are you and Justin together?”

“No. Not officially.”

Her jaw dropped once more. “So he’s practically fathering your child and you’re not fucking?”

“Yeah…”

She shook her head side to side in complete and utter disbelief. “Damn. That’s commitment.”

“Uhhuh…” I agreed trailing off. “So how are you and Stephen?” I used her silence as a way to change the subject.

“I love him,” she piped up with the biggest smile gracing her features.

I gave her some of the grilling attitude she gave me before, “I asked how you were, not how you feel.”

“Well we’re perfect,” she stated. “We’re actually going out tonight.”

“Like an actual date?” I humored her like this was the 1600s and going out on a date was the oddest thing in the world.

She nodded her head over-enthusiastically, “Yup.”

“I didn’t think Stephen had it in him.”

“He’s got a lot of potential,” she said with a sly grin and a wag of her eyebrows.

“Uck, I didn’t need to know that.” The mental images, seriously.

She just shrugged at my repulsive state. “You asked how we were.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want to know how he was.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, we’re both active members,” she said. “One a little more than the other,” she eyed me up and down, “But still.”

Scrunching my nose at her I replied, “You’re nasty.”

“Stephen is great at the nasty.” Here she goes again…

“Stop talking. Right now,” I scolded her. “I do not need to hear this.”

“Oh come on, you know how great it is!” she coaxed, trying to get me to talk about my sex life, or lack there of, in the middle of this coffee shop with my son and ex-lover a few yards away. Jess didn’t care about the appropriateness of this conversation; she kept on running her mouth, “That intense feeling of connection you get when you get off.” She whispered low and seductively to get her point across, “Stephen is by far the best I’ve ever had.”

“Shut up, we’re in a public place.”

Jess’s face lit up and then she asked the question I was dreading this whole time; “Have you only been with one guy?”

“Shut your mouth,” I tried to scold her for the last time, but she took my defensiveness and reluctance as my answer.

“Oh my god, he’s totally the only guy you’ve slept with!” she screamed so loud the people at the tables next to us looked over to see what the fuss was about.

“Jessica, shut up!” I could feel the heat creep up onto my features and my face get as hold as the summer Arizona sun.

She realized what she had just done and apologized, “Oh shit, sorry.”

As if on cue John returned with Jay rested on his hip and John’s over-sized Ray-Bans sitting on his tiny button nose so that he needed to keep them on his face with both hands.

“Sorry to interrupt ladies,” John said as he came over t our table. “I’m just returning His Royal Highness.”

“His royal highness?” I scrutinized.

Jay piped in, “I’m a prince!”

I reflexively asked, “Of what?”

“Music,” both John’s said at once.

“Really?” I replied. Jess just sat idly by and took in our interactions.

“Uhhuh,” my boy reassured me, “I’m gonna inherit it all!”

“Did John tell you that?”

“Yup. We’re gonna be rockstars!”

I looked at John for a brief moment, our eyes locked and I could see the sincerity that he was actually trying to be a grown-up figure here. I turned my attention back to Jay to tell him with a wag of my finger, “There will be no rock starring until you’re at least ten and made it past kindergarten.”

“But Ma!”

I knew his response before he even whined it, he was beginning to become predictable and in the regards of music and school, he’d choose the music all the way.

I put on my best matriarchal voice, “No buts mister. Now you have to graduate high school.”

“No!” Jay cried. I noticed John stifle a smirk at Jay and my little exchange.

“If you’re good I’ll think about making it fifth grade,” I reconsidered.

He handed John back his sunglasses, pouting for a moment while mulling over my reconsideration. “Okay,” he finally agreed, putting his arms out for me to grab him.

Once in my arms Jay looked over my shoulder at Jess, asking, “Auntie Jess can you take me to the potty?”

Jess looked slightly confused but agreed anyway, “Sure, kid.” I put him down on his feet and then he shuffled over to Jess to grab her hand and have her lead him to the bathroom in the back.

John and I stood there in very awkward silence.

“He’s a great kid,” John broke the quiet, shoving his hands deep in his dark wash skinny jean pockets.

I nodded in awkward agreement, “I know.”

“He really loves music,” he noted.

“I know,” I said once more. “He’s been surrounded by it his whole life.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“He’s not going to be a rockstar.”

John looked a little taken aback, “He’s not?”

“No,” I clarified if it wasn’t obvious already. “It’s not a stable profession, nor do they make money.”

“Ouch.”

“Sorry, but it’s the truth.”

“Aren’t you in the business?” he countered.

“Yes. Which is how I know it’s hard. I don’t want to set him up for failure,” I told him truthfully. “He can turn to music once he has a degree.”

“You’re one tough cookie.” His eyes brightened and I saw the old John come through in his crooked smile and his light chuckle at his own comment. For a moment my mind wandered and what could have been and how this little encounter could have been different flashed before my minds eye, I had to shake my head to push it far away from my thoughts. Thinking like that was dangerous territory.

I said the first thing that came to mind, “You gotta be when you’re an only parent.”

“You don’t have to be,” he replied somberly.

“But I am.”