Fall

After my encounter with John so many thoughts flooded my mind and stayed with me throughout the night, so much so that I couldn’t get an ounce of sleep. I mean, seriously, who does he think he is? He makes me so mad all the time, there’s not one memory I have that couldn’t be tainted by him and his stupid overzealous confidence. Like seriously, what is his problem? Why is he so adamant about all this, and why now? I’m only trying to protect Jay. I don’t want him to break Jay’s heart like he did mine. Why can’t he see that? Why can’t John see that I have a life with Justin and I’m happy and he’s threatening everything? Why couldn’t he stay away? Why did he have to start crashing my coffee breaks? Can’t he just leave me alone? Why doesn’t he understand that you can’t just infiltrate someone’s life, break their heart, disappear for two years, and then come back like nothing happened at all! Life doesn’t work that way.

A week later Jenny was watching Jay while I was at school like usual. During my Business 210 class my phone started to vibrate frantically signaling that I had a call coming through. It was Jenny. Paralyzed with fear and every possible distressing thing that could happen flashing before my eyes, I grabbed my backpack and phone and bolted out of class to answer the phone.

“Natalie, I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

Frantically I responded, “Jenny, what’s wrong.” My heart started to beat faster as I tried to get my bearings.

“I’m really sorry,” was all she could say from the other side, which was not reassuring in the slightest.

My heart was racing out of my chest as if it was going to compete in the Indy 500. “What happened? Is Jay okay?” I asked, fumbling with the keys in my pocket.

“He’s fine,” she reassured me. I had to stop in my tracks and let her words settle in before I could let out a sigh of relief. “But Shane broke his arm and I’m rushing him to the hospital, so I had to drop Jay off on short notice,” she explained and I could hear the uncertainty and hesitation in her voice.

“Okay, where is he?” I asked. “I’m coming home early.”

“Natalie, don’t cut class,” she scolded me. “Jay’s fine,” she said once more. “He’s with John.” She finally said the words she was regretting to say since she made the call.

“Of all people…” I trailed off more to myself than anything. It was a gut reaction, really.

“I know, I know,” she apologized, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I really am. But he was the only one I knew that was around and willing.” It was a Thursday; of course John would be around. He was always around on a Tuesday or Thursday to infiltrate my coffee and study breaks. And of course he would be willing to watch Jay. God, this is some pickle Jenny’s gotten me into.

“No, it’s fine,” I reassured her as best I could as to not add to her stress. “Where would they be?”

“Patrick’s most likely. It’s practice day. Would you like John’s cell number?”

Reluctantly I responded, “No, I have it. Thanks anyway.”

As per Jenny’s request I didn’t skip my last class of the day, I couldn’t afford to anyway. Just because I was in class didn’t mean I paid attention to what was going on, my thoughts were once again consumed by my predicament with John. It’s as if we were a long married couple going through a nasty, bitter divorce. The both of us were pushing – me pushing him out, and him pushing every button I had until he got what he wanted.

***

Sighing, staring at the tan painted garage I used to frequent on more than an weekly basis in the past, sitting there like it was some elite club that I had no right to attend, it took all I had to walk in. I entered through the side door. The garage hadn’t changed one bit – all that was different were the new instruments that the guys had and the second leather couch that sat beside the older one. The guys in The Maine were plugging in their instruments and getting ready to practice, Max and Tim were seated on the older couch, while Jay and Halvo were on the newer one.
Eric was the first one to notice my presence.

“Natalie, hey,” he greeted me, getting up to give me a long awaited hug.

“Hey, Halvo,” I responded. I felt all eyes on me – all expect one pair.

Jay waved from the couch, “Hi Mo-ma.”

Letting go of Halvo I went over to Jay. “Hey, baby,” bending down to his level I kissed his forehead. “You ready to go?”

In typical fashion Jay whined, throwing his little fists up and down, “They just started!”

Kennedy chimed in, “Yeah, Nat, we just started.”

“And you didn’t say hi to any of us,” Pat whined in agreement from his drum set towards the back of the garage, “So you have to stay now.”

Looking down at Jay, pointing to my ears I asked him, “Do you have earplugs?”

“I thought you liked our music, Nattie, I’m hurt,” Jared joked as he plugged his guitar into the amp.

I rolled my eyes. “They’re for Jay.”

“They’re in his ears already,” John chimed in. “I’ve got it covered,” he added as he finished setting up the mic stand.

“Good.”

I took the open seat to Jay’s left with Halvo on his right. We sat there and made casual conversation while we waited for the guys to start since Jay was completely enamored by the guys setting up the gear.

“Alright, this one’s called Right Girl,” John introduced.

As he sang, John’s eyes were directed towards Jay and Jay’s matching orbs were glued to him as well. By watching, I felt like I was intruding on the most scared of all moments the two could have shared – the moment when father, son, and the music all become one.

Got caught running up a tab
Couldn't drive home so I had to share a cab
Introduced herself by her last name
The kind of girl you steal from the football team

Brought up a silver spoon mess
Always trying to tear off her Catholic dress
Told me she's over this place
Needs to feel the mid west wind in her face
But the alcohol made its way down
She was the last thing that I saw last night before I hit the ground

Oh god I did the wrong thing to the right girl
My mind was only in it for a minute
Had a bad fling with a good girl
I was stupid and dumb not giving a
The blank stare out the window
If I could just sober up I could just admit
I did the wrong thing to the right girl
It was your world, baby and I just lived in it

Leaning over Jay to get to me Halvo asked reminiscently, “Brings back the good old days, doesn’t it?”
“They were good?” I tried to joke.

Eric wasn’t amused by my efforts to deflect so he countered, “You know you miss it.”

I did. I’d never admit it, but I missed being here with them and watching the guys and their music grow each and every day.

I've never been the best with my mouth
Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out
Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car
Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far
And I got my stand-bys waiting on the line
But the hardest part is knowing that it won't be her this time

Oh god I did the wrong thing to the right girl
My mind was only in it for a minute
Had a bad fling with a good girl
I was stupid and dumb not giving a
The blank stare out the window
If I could just sober up I could just admit
I did the wrong thing to the right girl
It was your world, baby and I just lived in it
It was your world, baby and I just lived in it
Please, please, baby come back
Please, please, baby come back
Please, please, baby come back
Please, please, baby come back

She came back
Thought she had it all planned out
Went to marry some guy she had talked about
A tear in her dress and a tear in her eye
And just like that her whole life flashed by
She won't remember what you said last night
That if you ever needed someone to pick up the pieces in your life

Oh god I did the wrong thing to the right girl
My mind was only in it for a minute
Had a bad fling with a good girl
I was stupid and dumb not giving a
The blank stare out the window
If I could just sober up I could just admit
I did the wrong thing to the right girl
It was your world, baby and I just lived in it
It was your world, baby and I just lived in it
Oh, it was your world
All yours
Please, please baby come back

As he sang the last verse John’s eyes peeled away from Jay and chose to latch themselves onto mine. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t look away. He was hypnotic; his songs were his heart and soul that he chose time and time again to rip out and put on a silver platter for everyone to examine and fawn over. As he sang the last two lines his demeanor softened, he was begging – pleading, inviting me in. I had to get out of there, if I didn’t I would break into a million pieces and get sucked up in the emotional vortex that is John O’Callaghan.

“‘Scuse me.”

Eric was the one to call after me, concern ever laced in his tone, “Nat? Hey, where you goin’?”

All the while I exited the garage John was still pleading,

Yeah, it was your world, baby and I just lived in it
Please, please baby come back
Please, please baby come back
Please, please baby come back

I was pacing outside the entryway to the garage, the little paved open area between the main house and the garage, trying to compose myself. I reassured myself over and over again that they were just words – words thrown together to tell a fictional story that went with the new albums theme. But I knew John and I knew how he worked; there’s a meaning to everything he does, a metaphor within every breath he takes. Stupid, fucking, John! He’s so fuck –

“Hey, you okay?” he asked, closing the garage’s side door behind him.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reassured him, although my arms were crossed over my chest and I kept avoiding eye contact. “Let me just get Jay and we’ll get out of here.” I tried to side-step him but he spoke.

“What if he doesn’t want to leave?”

“He’s two, he doesn’t have a choice.”

“He’s having fun,” he stated the fucking obvious. “Stay a little while.” The sincerity in his eyes almost killed me.

“I have things to do today,” I lied, trying to get out of here as fast as I possibly could.

“Then pick him up later.”

“No.”

“I’m not a bad dad. Just trust me, will you,” his voice rose half an octave. “My mom obviously does if she left him with me.”

“I can’t, John,” I said. Just as well, I started to get frustrated and my voice rose. “I have no ounce of trust left for you in my body.”

“That was two years ago. People change.”

“And some people don’t.”

We paused our semi-quiet argument to stare at each other. John was being typical John down to the T; skinny jeans, a V-neck, confidence, and a cocky, self-righteous attitude. He towered over me, searching for any fault he could pick at and get under my skin. I stared up at him in my jeans, a t-shirt, and my walls built higher than John could reach, scowling right back waiting for him to give up and let me go already.

“Why do you have to be so goddamn difficult?”

I lost it. I wasn’t going to dance around the hat any longer. “Because that’s my baby in there,” I began my heated rant, “I carried him, I gave birth to him, and I’ve been taking care of him. And I intend to be the only person that makes decisions about his wellbeing until his 18th birthday.”

John’s voice was lighter than my own, almost an even whisper to distract any lingering ears, “He knows, you know.”

I was completely taken aback. “What?”

“He knows I’m his dad,” he started to clarify, “He asks me about Ross and Mom and Shane all the time. And it kills me to have to lie to him and pretend that it’s all just a casual coincidence. You need to tell him.”

“He’s just a baby,” I replied doubtfully.

“He’s smarter than you think he is.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” I questioned rhetorically. “I know he’s smart; all he does is hang out with adults. He’s bright, and he’s musical, and – fuck. Damn it all to hell.” I could feel the tears swelling up in my ducts, ready to take over at any moment. “That little boy in there reminds me of you every fucking day. He’s a spitting image of you. He has your eyes and your hair and your talent and the shape of your face and sometimes I think he’s you because he talks of things that I only could imagine you talking about. The only thing he gets from me is his love of learning. He’s outgoing and confident in himself just like you. He’s my little boy, but he’s you. He’s all you. And that kills me.”

I felt three tears drip down my cheeks. John extended his long lanky arms across the empty space to wipe them from my reddened cheeks. I gave him a small smile, the only thing I could do in this situation, really. Before I knew it John closed whatever distance was standing between us. Our frames less than an inch apart and his big callous tipped hand was still resting on my cheek.

John started to lean in.

“Please don’t,” I whispered as audibly as a tick of a watch.

With that one kiss everything came rushing back. Every feeling I have ever had for the boy became present as I pressed my lips against his harder and more forcefully than before. All that boiling sexual tension was released and, God, it felt so good.

Once we finally broke for air John wasted no time in intertwining our fingers.

“Come on,” he said, tugging on my hand and leading me towards the group of cars.

“Where are we going?”

“My place.“

“We can’t just leave.” I stopped following him, our hands still locked. “Jay’s in there.”

“The guys can watch him,” he coaxed, pulling me along by the loops in my jeans, “Come on, I know you probably want it as much as I do.”

“No,” I scolded him, planting my feet firming on the pavement, refusing to move on more step. “Parenting 101: Jay comes first. He always comes first. You need to learn that.”

Realizing what he’d just done John started to grovel, “I’m sorry. I’ll get the hang of this parenting thing eventually.” It was actually really cute, I’d like to see the dummy grovel more often.

“You better,” I smiled up at him. “Because you really don’t have a choice,” I pecked his chapped lips once more. “Now get back in there and practice so you can support and amaze your son.”

As we walked back into the garage, John a full two steps ahead of me, I began to think,

What was I getting myself into? I got caught up in the moment and there’s no going back now.

***

“Welcome back you two!” Jared greeted us happily with a slight knowing glimmer in his eye. “Now John, get your ass up here. We’re playing Dreaming.”

I couldn’t help but scold him, “Language, Jared.”

“Sorry, Natalie.”

I took my place on the couch, pulling Jay onto my lap.

“This one’s my favorite,” I whispered to my son as the familiar tune started to resonate off the walls.

“Mo-ma, we listen to this before bed!” Jay observed.

“Yeah, we do.” I couldn’t hide the smile that was ever present. I finally had my happy little family, even if it was just for the day.

After two more songs I told Jay it was time to go. I let Jay go and say goodbye to the guys on his own while I talked to John.

“You play my songs before bed?” he inquired with an eyebrow raise.

“I’ve been playing that song for him to fall asleep to for two years now,” I told him truthfully. “I wanted him to know his father’s voice. It sounded like a good idea at the time. And I guess it worked because he’s overly comfortable with you.”

“I’m his dad. He better be comfortable with me,” John stated.

I nodded, unsure of how to really answer, so as usual I deflected. “Come on, Jay. Time to go home,” I picked him up. “Say goodbye.”

Jay waved, “Bye Uncys!”

“Uncles?” I questioned, glaring at John.

“Sorry,” he mouthed.

“Mo-ma can we go back tomorrow?” Jay asked as I buckled him into his car seat.

“I don’t think so, baby. I think John has other things to do.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can he come over?”

“We’ll see.”

“Mo-ma,” Jay started.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Uncy Gare is scared of me,” he said with the proudest of smiles.

“Why’s that?”

“Don’t know,” he shrugged. “Uncy Kenny said he’s afraid of lil kids.”

“Sounds like Garrett,” I chuckled at the image of Garrett refusing to hold the kid. “So who’s your favorite?”

Jay responded without hesitation, “Uncy Eric, he’s fun.”

“What about John?” I questioned just to see what he’d say.

“Jawn’s not my uncle,” he said like I was the one missing information here.

“Oh?”

Shit.