Fall

The boys came back Friday afternoon with good news of how the crowd loved them and how Jace would love for them to come back and play a showcase after they record their next EP. Naturally I was beyond excited for them.

Tuesday came by pretty quickly, and I was dreading going to my Literature class because I knew my essay on Antigone was a piece of shit since Jay pretty much prevented me from doing any work because he wanted to hang out with me and Justin.

“We doing anything tonight after school?” Justin asked as he propped himself up on his elbows to look at me getting ready.

“Well is Ryan taking Jay out?” I asked back as I put my hair up into a ponytail.

“He can.”

“Why don’t we kick Ryan out and have a nice family dinner?”

“You cooking?” he scoffed.

“Are you crazy?” I rhetorically asked him with an are-you-insane look upon my face. “I’d burn the complex down.”

He shook his head and smiled at me. “You’re a failure of a woman.”

“But I’m your woman.”

He finally got out of bed and came over to wrap his arms around me. “Olive Garden take-out good?” he asked as he kissed my cheek.

I leaned back into him and replied, “Perfect. You know what we like.”

“Mhm,” he mumbled as he started kissing my neck.

I looked at the clock and noticed it was nearing crunch time for me if I wanted to get to my first class on time. “School time,” I said before I turned around slightly and pecked him on the lips. “Bye.”

“See ya,” he called behind me as I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door.
__________________________________________________________________________

My day went rather quickly and I was in dire need of a coffee fix because my Accounting professor gave me hell for not showing my work on the homework assignment and just using the calculator to get the answers.

I walked into Starbucks and took notice that John was sitting there waiting for me. I wanted to turn around as fast as I could and make a b-line out of there, but I didn’t for two reasons. Reason one being that John spotted me and gave me a short smile and held up an extra cup which signaled that he already got my usual for me. And secondly, I figured that it would be better to talk to him about this sooner rather than later.

I sat down in my usual chair across from him and gave him a weak smile and a “thank you” for the beverage.

After a few moments John finally spoke. “Where’s Jay?”

“He’s with Justin,” I told him matter-of-factly as I took a sip of my drink. “He takes care of him mostly while I’m working and doing school stuff,” I added.

“That’s cool,” he nodded for a response.

“Yeah, he’s a great parent. He really loves the kid,” I mused, thinking about where I’d be without him and how much he’s been a godsend throughout the whole span of Jay’s existence.

After another few awkward moments John spoke again. “So, how is he?” he asked.

“Justin? He’s fine. Not much really going on with him other than the band. But you know all about that sort of stuff,” I answered.

“Yeah, I do,” he agreed, but then clarified what he meant, “But I was talking about Jay.”

“He was fussy this morning when I left, but he sounded like he was having a good time when I called after class. They took him to band practice. He really loves the instruments and music; just like his father,” I said pretty much all in one breath, thinking that I owed John at least this much of an explanation.

He didn’t respond, but instead just drank whatever it was that was in his cup. I could feel him staring at me and the wheels turning in his head as he tried to think of what to say. And the silence of it all was getting to me so I spoke up in hopes to put an end to this awkward topic. “Can we not talk about this? It’s just really awkward,” I told him truthfully and honestly.

He nodded his head once, and I wasn’t sure if that meant that he would put the subject to rest or not.

Some more silent filled minutes passed and I looked at my phone, playing with it and trying to come up with a good excuse to leave when John broke the silence once again.

“What does ‘Jay’ stand for?” he asked quietly, his beautiful green eyes staring at the white plastic lid upon the coffee cup.

“John, please don’t,” I begged him just a quietly.

His gaze finally met me as he whispered, “I need to know.” His eyes – those enchanting green eyes – held a mixture of emotions in them, a bunch of emotions that I couldn’t quite pick out other than my own interpretations of sadness, confusion, and regret.

“All you need to know is that he’s named after his father.”

“And that is?” Our eyes were boring into one another’s and I could tell that he was challenging me, wanting me to verbalize what he already suspected.

“Please don’t,” I replied weakly, falling beneath his challenge.

“Natalie, just tell me,” he practically demanded.

“It’ll ruin everything.”

“It’s just a name. What do you have to lose?”

“Everything I’ve built up for the past year and a half.”

“It’s just a name,” he said again.

This time I was the one to challenge him, “Then why does it matter? Everyone just calls him Jay.”

“I’m curious as to what it stands for,” he shrugged as he leaned back in his chair. “Is it Justin?” he asked as he stared me down and I could swear that I heard a hint of anger in his tone.

“No,” I spat at him, getting a little heated myself from all of this mind game shit. “It’s John,” I stated flatly with some pent up aggression. “John Cornelius O’Callaghan the sixth,” I confirmed once more. “Are you happy now?”

I stared at John through angry eyes. He was sitting there, leaning back in the chair with his mouth practically hanging wide open as he processed what I had just said.

He sat up straight and leaned over the table as he choked out, “He’s – He’s mine?”

“Yeah, whose kid did you think he was? Justin’s?” I nearly snapped.

His composure came back a little bit when he answered my question with a, “Well, yeah.”

“Wh-“

He cut me off. “I thought you lost the baby that night you fell, because you were unconscious for a while and hospitalized and everything,” he answered my unfinished question with his crazy explanation and rationale.

“Oh, yeah. I’m such a whore that right after I lost my first child I’d go and get knocked up by some other guy,” I visibly rolled my eyes at him. “I’m glad you think that highly of me, John, really.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he tried to take it back. “It’s just-“

“Save it,” I put a hand up to stop him from going on with his groveling explanations. “But, no, I didn’t lose him. Thank god. That boy means the world to me.”

“Can I meet him?” he asked with hopeful eyes, turning the topic around and taking me by surprise.

“You already have.”

“I mean, like, taking him on a play date or something,” he clarified, practically begging me.

“I don’t think he’s ready for that. He’s just finally gotten comfortable with going out with the guys without me,” I tried to make up an excuse. It was true that Jay was very fussy for a while when I first started school and left him with his uncle’s all the time, but just recently when the guys started bringing him to band practices and treating him like a little prince that he finally, well practically begged me to leave and go to school all the time.

“I don’t think you’re ready for that,” he called me out. “Face it, you want to keep him all for yourself and keep me out of his life. And if we never ran into each other I would have never gotten to meet my son.”

I was caught off guard and was ready to shut down in defense. I stared down at my lap as I spoke, “I told you it would ruin everything.”

“Letting me meet my own son would ruin everything?”

“Letting you know about him would ruin everything,” I clarified for him, trying to calm myself from getting hysterical because that’s the last thing I needed right now – balling my eyes out in the middle of Starbucks over my baby’s daddy. “Now you’ll want visitation rights and then we’d have to go to family court and get child support and shit and all that legal stuff that I really don’t want to do and then some person would have to come an make sure that him living with me is more safe than him living with you, and all that other shit. And I don’t think he’s ready for this,” I ranted and listed off things that would happen, all things that I went through as a child which by no means was a fun ride.

“As long as we can handle it ourselves, we don’t need to get lawyers or judges or anything involved,” he reassured me, leaning across the table to tuck my hair behind my ear as I now looked straight into his eyes. “Just let me get to know the kid,” he said, and I could see the devotion to that statement dancing all throughout his green orbs. “I have the right too since he is half mine.” He just had to ruin it with that reminder.

“Fine,” I agreed hastily. “The guys are going to go record in LA in a few weeks so I guess you can start bonding then,” I informed him, hoping that he got the jist that he wouldn’t be seeing him until then. “I just have one rule,” I stated, holding up my index finger for emphasis, “I have to be there because I don’t know how he’s going to react to you.”

A wide smile spread across John’s face. “Deal.”

I wagged my finger at him as I said, “But no funny business. This is strictly you getting to know Jay, nothing to do with you and I. Just you and John.”

John shrugged, that wide, brilliant, cocky smile still ever so present. “Fine by me.”

And I knew right then that this was going to be the beginning of my very own personal hell.