She's Got a Warped Frame of Mind
Back In The Swing of Things
“I sat,
On the railing,
Looking up and over my shoulder at the huge stage to my right.
A huge crowd of people, mostly teenagers were in a crowd directly in front of me, all dancing, singing, moshing, making noise, having fun.
Blessthefall played their set, singing and screaming their hearts out. Jumping around as their fingers gripped a pick and it flowed down on the strings, hands constantly in motion as they whacked drum heads and cymbals, hands flailing and heads flying as their screaming voices growled throughout the air all around.
People walked by the set, glancing over as they past. Some even joining into the growing crowd.
I just sat.
It was June 26th and about 89 degrees in Pamona California, but here I was still wearing my Vans, black ripped up jeans, a camisole and a long sleeved Hurley v-necked shirt, to top it all off my long now back to normal hair was down as well. The end curly as the blong and sky blue highlights peaked through the majority of black.
I hadn't seen one person all day who wore long sleeves. What was the “normal” attire?- Tank tops or short sleeves with shorts of some kind, sure there were a few jean wearers but not too many. I was kind of the odd one out.
Too bad I really don't give a shit what people think of me.
“Hey.” I turned slightly to see my recently closest friend, and drummer, Dustin about 2 feet from me. His hand briefly found my hips as he leaned forward to kiss my turned cheek and looked me up and down. It was honestly something he always seemed to do as of lately; I didn't even care about it anymore, though at first it was extremely annoying. He then proceeded to jump up on the opposite side of the wooden plank they used as a railing. His back was to the crowd and he was between me and the stage now. “You okay, how do you feel?”
“Fine, why?” He just looked at me like he was in doubt.
“Well...okay then. We're rehearsing in 10. I have to go find Jasper and Jesse...” He sat a water bottle on my lap and then hopped down. Jesse was our bassist. “Meet us at the stage in a few minutes?” I nodded and he left going further away from the main area of the venue. Sighing, I turned my head back to the stage noticing there were at least two guys sort of inconspicuously watching me off to the side as the music was paused while the band drank bottles of water in between songs.
Rolling my eyes I stood up, balancing on the rail and walking down it towards where it ended. My pass, keys and ID all jingled from my belt hoop, hitting my side as I quickly got out of the place. I just didn’t feel like going through the crowd, shoving my way through; so why not go this way? Much easier that's for sure. The booming sound of the singer’s voice, I found out was named Beau a few months ago, filled my ears as he announced the next song. I hoped down not too gracefully and walked off towards whatever stage we came to earlier this particular morning.
I looked down at my feet as I walked, just out of habit. I bumped into a few people that came out of nowhere but other than that... it was a walk. Minus the few exchanges of “hellos” to people I seen and knew as I walked past. Nothing more to say, it wasn't too eventful. I would pass stage after stage. The music being clear then fading into a mix and then clear with a different band and song, sometimes genre and so on until it became quiet and I reached the destination.
That's when the itching in my veins started. My stomach turned nauseous and I felt like I had the flu. Of course I didn't, I was just terrified of being up on stage in front of people...this many people. It’s the first time since being in rehab that I’ve been on stage. Sort of like a comeback thing… Of course I was only a guitarist now. No one singing, no more taking center stage alongside Jasper. And it was only a trial thing.
Jasper had been singing and playing lead guitar while Mark sang and did backup; they had to redo and change around every single one of our songs to accommodate 2 guitars instead of one. The new songs are more leaning to screamo too; so Jasper and Mark split vocals leaving me out from my original position.
I went around back and up the steps onto the stage, gulping I put my strap over my shoulder and walked towards the far side, to the right if facing the crowd. Jasper stood to the side talking to a tech, Dustin at the drums going crazy drumming the air like a mad man, Jesse adjusting his bass, and Mark the same with his mic and a guitar lay unmoving on his shoulder and to his side. Looking out, it wasn't terribly bad. No one was watching... yet. No one knew I was back yet. I was like the “surprise-” Not sure how people would like me being back in Black Rose Dying...
I gulped down the remaining contents of my water bottle, like it was the last bit of water left. After I tied my hair up into an extremely messy knot type bun and began playing a few random cords of an equally random song... whatever came to my mind. It just happened to be “Face Down” by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Don't ask why? It was random...remember? I quit when I realized what I had been playing, looking up to see everyone on stage looking at me suspiciously.
Dustin broke out of the trance first and came over to me, leaving his drum set behind for a moment.
“You know, you can change into something cooler. No one is going to care or notice Han. You're going to be on-stage playing, not being examined in some fucking florescent room. No one will see... Plus you're going to be shit ass hot a few minutes in.”
“I'm fine.” I mumbled sharply not really caring whether he was right or not. I still wasn’t changing, couldn't...wouldn't. People would see the mess that is my body. It wasn't just my arms that I was worried about though either, that was only the beginning.
It was as if people could read me like an open book; always criticizing and examining me like crazy. All they cared about was finding out what happened to me, seeing if their assumptions and the rumors were/are true or not.
I left as one person and came back another. I wasn’t the same girl without the drugs. I am different. Quieter, more reserved. And not to mention still hurt inside about the replacement thing... Sure I was back but-
I wasn’t sure how people; fans, would respond to the change.
On the railing,
Looking up and over my shoulder at the huge stage to my right.
A huge crowd of people, mostly teenagers were in a crowd directly in front of me, all dancing, singing, moshing, making noise, having fun.
Blessthefall played their set, singing and screaming their hearts out. Jumping around as their fingers gripped a pick and it flowed down on the strings, hands constantly in motion as they whacked drum heads and cymbals, hands flailing and heads flying as their screaming voices growled throughout the air all around.
People walked by the set, glancing over as they past. Some even joining into the growing crowd.
I just sat.
It was June 26th and about 89 degrees in Pamona California, but here I was still wearing my Vans, black ripped up jeans, a camisole and a long sleeved Hurley v-necked shirt, to top it all off my long now back to normal hair was down as well. The end curly as the blong and sky blue highlights peaked through the majority of black.
I hadn't seen one person all day who wore long sleeves. What was the “normal” attire?- Tank tops or short sleeves with shorts of some kind, sure there were a few jean wearers but not too many. I was kind of the odd one out.
Too bad I really don't give a shit what people think of me.
“Hey.” I turned slightly to see my recently closest friend, and drummer, Dustin about 2 feet from me. His hand briefly found my hips as he leaned forward to kiss my turned cheek and looked me up and down. It was honestly something he always seemed to do as of lately; I didn't even care about it anymore, though at first it was extremely annoying. He then proceeded to jump up on the opposite side of the wooden plank they used as a railing. His back was to the crowd and he was between me and the stage now. “You okay, how do you feel?”
“Fine, why?” He just looked at me like he was in doubt.
“Well...okay then. We're rehearsing in 10. I have to go find Jasper and Jesse...” He sat a water bottle on my lap and then hopped down. Jesse was our bassist. “Meet us at the stage in a few minutes?” I nodded and he left going further away from the main area of the venue. Sighing, I turned my head back to the stage noticing there were at least two guys sort of inconspicuously watching me off to the side as the music was paused while the band drank bottles of water in between songs.
Rolling my eyes I stood up, balancing on the rail and walking down it towards where it ended. My pass, keys and ID all jingled from my belt hoop, hitting my side as I quickly got out of the place. I just didn’t feel like going through the crowd, shoving my way through; so why not go this way? Much easier that's for sure. The booming sound of the singer’s voice, I found out was named Beau a few months ago, filled my ears as he announced the next song. I hoped down not too gracefully and walked off towards whatever stage we came to earlier this particular morning.
I looked down at my feet as I walked, just out of habit. I bumped into a few people that came out of nowhere but other than that... it was a walk. Minus the few exchanges of “hellos” to people I seen and knew as I walked past. Nothing more to say, it wasn't too eventful. I would pass stage after stage. The music being clear then fading into a mix and then clear with a different band and song, sometimes genre and so on until it became quiet and I reached the destination.
That's when the itching in my veins started. My stomach turned nauseous and I felt like I had the flu. Of course I didn't, I was just terrified of being up on stage in front of people...this many people. It’s the first time since being in rehab that I’ve been on stage. Sort of like a comeback thing… Of course I was only a guitarist now. No one singing, no more taking center stage alongside Jasper. And it was only a trial thing.
Jasper had been singing and playing lead guitar while Mark sang and did backup; they had to redo and change around every single one of our songs to accommodate 2 guitars instead of one. The new songs are more leaning to screamo too; so Jasper and Mark split vocals leaving me out from my original position.
I went around back and up the steps onto the stage, gulping I put my strap over my shoulder and walked towards the far side, to the right if facing the crowd. Jasper stood to the side talking to a tech, Dustin at the drums going crazy drumming the air like a mad man, Jesse adjusting his bass, and Mark the same with his mic and a guitar lay unmoving on his shoulder and to his side. Looking out, it wasn't terribly bad. No one was watching... yet. No one knew I was back yet. I was like the “surprise-” Not sure how people would like me being back in Black Rose Dying...
I gulped down the remaining contents of my water bottle, like it was the last bit of water left. After I tied my hair up into an extremely messy knot type bun and began playing a few random cords of an equally random song... whatever came to my mind. It just happened to be “Face Down” by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Don't ask why? It was random...remember? I quit when I realized what I had been playing, looking up to see everyone on stage looking at me suspiciously.
Dustin broke out of the trance first and came over to me, leaving his drum set behind for a moment.
“You know, you can change into something cooler. No one is going to care or notice Han. You're going to be on-stage playing, not being examined in some fucking florescent room. No one will see... Plus you're going to be shit ass hot a few minutes in.”
“I'm fine.” I mumbled sharply not really caring whether he was right or not. I still wasn’t changing, couldn't...wouldn't. People would see the mess that is my body. It wasn't just my arms that I was worried about though either, that was only the beginning.
It was as if people could read me like an open book; always criticizing and examining me like crazy. All they cared about was finding out what happened to me, seeing if their assumptions and the rumors were/are true or not.
I left as one person and came back another. I wasn’t the same girl without the drugs. I am different. Quieter, more reserved. And not to mention still hurt inside about the replacement thing... Sure I was back but-
I wasn’t sure how people; fans, would respond to the change.